My mum

[AmZ]

My mother is a strange one. She also, like me, had a mental breakdown in her mid-twenties. Anxiety and depression. But seeked no professional advice. Somehow got through it by time just passing.

She was an anxious and depressed mother and wife. She hated her body and the way she looked, lacked in self-confidence, always wanted more and more - seeking for something in life which doesn't exist.

Until a man actually turned up after she'd been married to my dad for 18 years. Can you believe it? He had a red sports car and owned a cottage in the countryside. It's all she ever wanted. So she started seeing him (a family friend who also had a partner) behind everyone's backs.

The goings on were strange but not strange enough to guess that they were having an affair. They'd get Chinese take away and go and collect it in his car and there was always a delay for some reason. Up until now, I don't know how long it was going on for, but my guess is, many months.

I was 15/16 when this happened and it screwed me up. She left the family home to live with this guy a couple of hours away. Leaving me and my sister
In the end, after promising she'll live nearby.

There's more to the story. Traumatic events and suchlike. But I won't go in to it all.

It's been a rocky 11 year relationship with her since then. I didn't speak with her for months here and there and she'd reappear and I'd have the faith in her that she was genuinely interested in my life and what was going on.

I hadn't spoken to her since the beginning of my breakdown (June 2010) until a couple of montgs ago and now she's doing the concerned mother act, as it appears to me, and it's kind of like a fake game. Like she knows what her responsibilities are and she's half-heartedly trying to fill in this missing part in our relationship.

But she thinks she's entitled to be allowed back in my life and wants to 'save me' from the mental health issues I have been dealing with. But she's a lot to do with them herself!

She's made so many broken promises in the past that I don't think I can trust in her now. She says about coming out here at the end of the year and I know it's going to be very surreal and not sure if it's a good thing because I'm scared of her rejection again.

There are so many issues three.

 

[Retired]

I am of the mind that everyone deserves another chance to set things right, even if they have mis-stepped in the past.

You may have to re-orient your expectations of what form this relationship might take going forward, but keep an open mind, set boundaries and be willing to hear what she has to say.

Chances are you may be pleasantly surprised, and if it doesn't work out, there's nothing lost...as long as you keep your expectations low and realistic.

Don't look back at what might have been, but look forward to what could be.

Just see the meeting as a reunion of old acquaintances that may or may not develop into something more.

 

[GDPR]

she thinks she's entitled to be allowed back in my life and wants to 'save me' from the mental health issues I have been dealing with.

That doesn't sound too bad to me. And maybe it's something you need right now. Sure, you would be taking a chance on being rejected again, but you also may not be, and this could be the turning point in your relationship.

 

[AmZ]

Yeah. I see what you mean. Maybe you're right. But rejection is tough and she's a very black and white thinker. Like its all or nothing. So with my and my sister living abroad doesn't help matters.

But in having said that, I still agree with you that it could be the turning point in our relationship.

 

[Banned]

My mom and I went through a period where we didn't speak for over six months. Eventually we had to put the past behind us and move forward as adults and today we are best friends.

I could "blame" her for a lot of things in my life, or everything according to my therapist. I can't change the past and no one is perfect. As adults we need to make adult decisions and have an adult relationship. Although we live together now I still have boundaries. Healthy adult relationships do. If you can have someone help you learn about how to set adult boundaries and have an adult relationship with her there's every possibility that going forward you can have an immense support person and a great relationship. It might take time but so what?