It's really a nickname but I figured it would do for the forum. Also since I'm 18 (19 soon, I feel like I'm ten when i say "soon, heh, wierd) So technically No matter my problem I fit into the Young Adults category. Sorry I'm sort of rambling, Tug why are you here?
For as long as I can recall I sort of realized, in some way I was different. I grew up in many homes, see my father is a Thuroughbred Horse Trainer so for some time we moved with the race track seasons and I never really was able to meet freinds in my childhood, or stay in a school to develope that community ideal I read so much about. I suppose for this reason i grew up a quiet child, I have been told for one summer and fall I didnt talk once and my parents sent me to a few child doctors who didnt really know why I wasnt talking. Frankly all I can remember is i didnt feel like saying all too much.
I have had three friends in my life, one in each place i stayed in for more then a year, and always hated groups of kids, or large places full of people. I still do to this day. I dont know what you call that, but I can come back to it, theres more to this explanation still (sorry if it is long, but hopefully someone out on this forum doesnt mind reading.) My Father during my childhood was also an alchoholic, yes he drank to get drunk and there is no mistake in this fact. For a great part of my life I lived in complete fear of him, but at the same time tried so desperaretly to love him that it hurt my enitre being, thinking of it to this day brings undescribed feelings. But there was, no mistake for it, a monster in my home.
When i was 14 he quit drinking, mainly because he became ill, cancer, a very rare kind that grew in his pancreas for about 13 years, as the experts have said. And in this time, the last four years I have been raised by an actual father. Think of it as being raised in 4 years where I should have been in 14. Since frankly he did nothing but hate when I was younger.
What I am slowly getting to is one simple fact about myself since I was young. My constant changes in feeling which only recently I have come to realize are a sort of depression I suppose, but I am no doctor so I do not know. The only person I have ever talked to about my constant, complete lows is a teacher i had in my senoir year who noticed, finally, that i was different from the rest of the kids. Him and I shared alot of deas since his father was an alcoholic as well and told me to seek some help after I got done highschool. But I still dont know (and i have been done school now for a year)
I cannot stand most people but try to live with them in the same world. I cannot, in most cases go to malls for the fear of so many people whom I cannot trust. See, I cannot, CANNOT trust anyone. A friend I have had now for four years puts hit hand up to give me a "hi five" and i think he is going to hit me. I cry sometimes each night for weeks, when I was sixteen I locked myself in a room with no food because I couldnt stand myself or the ways of the world around me.
I completely disgust alcohol, I have a girlfriend of one year who drinks and I can not go out with her when she goes to parties. The smell of it , the way people get when they drink, it overcomes me with this hate, a pure hate and resentment of my past. In the same way i don't really trust her, often think she is cheating ro will cheat, that she doesnt care for me and si with me for my looks or some other reason. I put on masks when I go to work (I work in a retail wharehouse) to try and cope with most days.
I find myself so tired, constantly, from everything...everything.
The only ways I have found to get by is running, I love to run. Four, five times a week I will just run for hours in fields and isolated places where I only have myself to think of and worry about. When I run I feel perfect. As well I write, poetry mainly, since I was incredibly young and it helps me to figure out some things that would else be fogged by my constant states of low.
My name is Tug, and I feel so completely alone, afraid and desperate for someone who knows who I am.
For as long as I can recall I sort of realized, in some way I was different. I grew up in many homes, see my father is a Thuroughbred Horse Trainer so for some time we moved with the race track seasons and I never really was able to meet freinds in my childhood, or stay in a school to develope that community ideal I read so much about. I suppose for this reason i grew up a quiet child, I have been told for one summer and fall I didnt talk once and my parents sent me to a few child doctors who didnt really know why I wasnt talking. Frankly all I can remember is i didnt feel like saying all too much.
I have had three friends in my life, one in each place i stayed in for more then a year, and always hated groups of kids, or large places full of people. I still do to this day. I dont know what you call that, but I can come back to it, theres more to this explanation still (sorry if it is long, but hopefully someone out on this forum doesnt mind reading.) My Father during my childhood was also an alchoholic, yes he drank to get drunk and there is no mistake in this fact. For a great part of my life I lived in complete fear of him, but at the same time tried so desperaretly to love him that it hurt my enitre being, thinking of it to this day brings undescribed feelings. But there was, no mistake for it, a monster in my home.
When i was 14 he quit drinking, mainly because he became ill, cancer, a very rare kind that grew in his pancreas for about 13 years, as the experts have said. And in this time, the last four years I have been raised by an actual father. Think of it as being raised in 4 years where I should have been in 14. Since frankly he did nothing but hate when I was younger.
What I am slowly getting to is one simple fact about myself since I was young. My constant changes in feeling which only recently I have come to realize are a sort of depression I suppose, but I am no doctor so I do not know. The only person I have ever talked to about my constant, complete lows is a teacher i had in my senoir year who noticed, finally, that i was different from the rest of the kids. Him and I shared alot of deas since his father was an alcoholic as well and told me to seek some help after I got done highschool. But I still dont know (and i have been done school now for a year)
I cannot stand most people but try to live with them in the same world. I cannot, in most cases go to malls for the fear of so many people whom I cannot trust. See, I cannot, CANNOT trust anyone. A friend I have had now for four years puts hit hand up to give me a "hi five" and i think he is going to hit me. I cry sometimes each night for weeks, when I was sixteen I locked myself in a room with no food because I couldnt stand myself or the ways of the world around me.
I completely disgust alcohol, I have a girlfriend of one year who drinks and I can not go out with her when she goes to parties. The smell of it , the way people get when they drink, it overcomes me with this hate, a pure hate and resentment of my past. In the same way i don't really trust her, often think she is cheating ro will cheat, that she doesnt care for me and si with me for my looks or some other reason. I put on masks when I go to work (I work in a retail wharehouse) to try and cope with most days.
I find myself so tired, constantly, from everything...everything.
The only ways I have found to get by is running, I love to run. Four, five times a week I will just run for hours in fields and isolated places where I only have myself to think of and worry about. When I run I feel perfect. As well I write, poetry mainly, since I was incredibly young and it helps me to figure out some things that would else be fogged by my constant states of low.
My name is Tug, and I feel so completely alone, afraid and desperate for someone who knows who I am.
)
