My ongoing therapy dilemma

[gooblax]

I figured I'd better just create a thread for this because I keep coming back to the same issue so I should just try to contain it in one place.

I've decided that once I get my head around booking another session, when I email to request an appointment I'm going to attach a summary of stuff about the semi-obsessive thoughts and attachment stuff that I'm struggling with. In the email I'll ask him not to read the attached file until we go through it together in the session, to head off any new problems I would think up for myself in the meantime.

I think this is the only way to address it because I'll never be able to articulate it verbally. And I guess I won't have to worry about it being too long if I'm only expecting to look at it during session time. And if he decides it's too weird/crazy to work with me anymore then it's best to know ASAP and rip that bandaid off.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Excellent idea.

 

[gooblax]

Even while deciding what things to say in the document (about how knowing that I need to help myself leads to thoughts that it's not ok to ask anyone else for help, not ok to want help, certainly not possible for me to need help etc), I started thinking that I should just cut to the chase and not send any document or have another session because [insert circular reasoning here]. :facepalm:
I've re-escaped that little trap for now but still have yet to type anything up to send.

Dear gooblax's brain,
Plz stop it.
Kthxbai.


One thing that's been interesting (although I can't say if I'll be able to make use of the information to be able to change the rigidity of my belief in this set of thoughts) is noticing some things about how my parents have spoken about stuff related to my dad's recent operation, and how that relates to views about not needing help or support with anything.

 

[Daniel E.]

but still have yet to type anything up to send.

There's always the existential/psychodynamic/journaling approach of just writing what comes to mind in the moment -- not necessarily using the writing for anything. And seeing what comes out -- sometimes the solution has nothing to do with the problem.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

There's always the existential/psychodynamic/journaling approach of just writing what comes to mind in the moment -- not necessarily using the writing for anything. And seeing what comes out -- sometimes the solution has nothing to do with the problem.

That's similar to the advice I've always given people (including myself) regarding writer's block or writer's paralysis:

The hardest part is getting started. So let's get that way. Just sit down and start writing anything. It's fine if it's crappy. It doesn't even have to be stricty on topic. Just write.

Once you get the flow going, you'll be on your way and on topic.

I always found, even before I discovered this strategy, that I often ended throwing away the first page or two or three completely, or at a minimum significantly rewriting it, once I got going. Once I recognized that I realized that stressing to write "the great American novel" in the first few pages was silly. Not gonna happen.

So... "just do it".

I suppose another way of characterizing this is fake it 'til you make it... and then chuck what you don't like.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

And if he decides it's too weird/crazy to work with me anymore then it's best to know ASAP and rip that bandaid off.

Hey, the email idea is terrific! I have brought notes or emailed my psychologist many times when I felt I couldn’t talk about it. He still doesn’t want to get rid of me.

I think you’ll be okay, my friend.



Sent from my Hollycopter using SlappaSquawk

 

[gooblax]

Thanks everyone but I'm not sure how this can happen. I've got a dozen bits of scrap paper with some thoughts of what to write but there won't be a way to make it coherent no matter how much gets cut away at the end. My usual writing has a structure but there never seems to be a way to structure this properly.


But even if I magically made it into the best explanation/summary possible, my therapist wouldn't care what's in it. It wouldn't matter to him if he never heard from me again. And I know it shouldn't matter to me that it doesn't matter to him but I'm not ok with that on an emotional level. I realise that I'm back in the same thought pattern and need to challenge a bunch of those thoughts but I don't know how to write the summary without thinking the thoughts and because I still believe most of them most of the time I think it's going to keep coming to this.

Maybe the trick will be to do two exercises at once - write the thing, and separately write the thoughts and try to challenge them. Except there's always the argument that if I can't come up with a way to believably challenge them it's because they're correct so I have no need for therapy, and if I can challenge them it means I can handle things without therapy... Which is clearly wrong because this convoluted mess wouldn't be happening if I was thinking normally.

My mum's flight got cancelled today so she's not going home until tomorrow. I can't really pull out my stuff to write anything while she's here anyway.

 

[Daniel E.]

. And I know it shouldn't matter to me that it doesn't matter to him but I'm not ok with that on an emotional level.

Maybe this is one of those "time heals all things" kind-of things??? where it may be easier to deal with the issue indirectly (rather than "staring at the sun") -- such as through personal growth on other levels or just giving more time to build up trust with your therapist.

(With OCD at least, the mind gets stuck on different "gears" and it is like manually having to shift gears quite often while other people are driving with an automatic transmission. Having to redirect attention/behavior so often to maintain one's course can be a pain in the *** but it's better than getting stuck in OCD land.)

 

[Daniel E.]

Similarly, one of the paradoxes in mental health:

"By trying to get control, you’ve actually given up control!"

The Passengers on the Bus Metaphor

 

[Daniel E.]

I still believe most of them most of the time I think it's going to keep coming to this.

2-cent psychology: With things that provoke anxiety, it may be easier to expect the worst case scenario (resorting to avoidance, rumination, or other old coping mechanisms) than accept uncertainty/vulnerability.

 

[gooblax]

Perhaps I just need to counter that "doesn't care" thought with the fact that I'm sending stuff for a session so we can both pretend that it matters a bit for that hour for $190.

 

[Daniel E.]

That is $129 USD, about the going rate in the U.S. My insurance pays for 80% of the cost to see a psychologist. But when I didn't have insurance, I used to think psychologists overcharged until I realized my 40-something psychologist was probably still paying student loans. The cost to acquire a PsyD is now something like $200k USD.

I had an older psychologist who worked for 30+ years and, even with me living on disability from the government, I had a car much nicer than his

Though a number of psychologists do quite well, few are rich. And the stress level is much higher than other professions since they are caring professionals who have to worry about suicide risk, child endangerment, spousal abuse, etc.

 

[gooblax]

Obviously I don't know much about my therapist's financial situation but assuming he got his qualifications here under our education system and based on what I do know, I don't think he's struggling financially. With the way I'm seeing him I can't get insurance or medicare to subsidise any of it.

Anyway, my point isn't that his work doesn't deserve the fee, or that the fee means that he necessarily doesn't care.
I just mean that for the hour I'm paying to see him he can pretend to care about a giant wall of convoluted text that I'll be writing (some of which will be on the topic of getting hung up about this "doesn't care" thing). And maybe that thought will be enough to let me write it.

 

[Daniel E.]

Would you feel better about your therapist if you knew your therapist offered a sliding scale to clients with limited income? Or has a history of doing pro bono work?

 

[Daniel E.]

some of which will be on the topic of getting hung up about this "doesn't care" thing

Cool

 

[gooblax]

Would you feel better about your therapist if you knew your therapist offered a sliding scale to clients with limited income? Or has a history of doing pro bono work?

That would be cool but it wouldn't help in a way that addresses this problem I'm having. The problem isn't "he doesn't care" it's more like "I would like for him to care about my stuff but that's disgusting/pathetic of me to want that" and "my stuff isn't a real problem so of course no one cares about it" and "thinking that he might care about my stuff is incorrect, unsafe and is a trap that my thoughts are playing on me which will only end up hurting me, which would be what I deserve for thinking incorrectly in the first place".
As I said, it's convoluted and I can't easily separate one thing from the rest of the things... which is why the document will be a mess no matter what perspective I write it from or how I try to conceptualise the problem.

 

[Daniel E.]

As I said, it's convoluted and I can't easily separate one thing from the rest of the things...

BTW:

"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.” - Najwa Zebian

"Real obstacles don't take you in circles. They can be overcome. Invented ones are like a maze." ~ Barbara Sher

"Verbal knowing rests atop non-verbal knowing so completely that an illusion is created that all knowledge is verbal." ~ Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An Experiential Approach to Behavior Change

"Words are ubiquitous in our lives. They play a critical role in shaping every aspect of what we do, how we view ourselves and our world, and how we feel. Defusion teaches us how to step back from the words--and thus, from the thoughts--that cause us problems; how to take those words and thoughts less seriously. It teaches us how to break free from the verbal corners our thoughts paint us into and how to use our thoughts as tools rather than being used by them, thereby enabling us to live meaningful and vital lives even when our thoughts and feelings are telling us we can't." ~ John T. Blackledge, Cognitive Defusion in Practice

“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.” ~ Deepak Chopra

“Be vulnerable! It is not someone else’s responsibility to break down your walls to get to you. It is your responsibility to let them in. This is crucial. Be more vulnerable with people in your life today. Know that being vulnerable is not a weakness – vulnerability means you are strong and secure enough within yourself to walk outside without your armor on.” ― Alaric Hutchinson

 

[gooblax]

I'm going to try to write and send this thing tonight after work. Even if it's a long set of out-of-order but repeating dot points. Even if it's every single thought about this that I have, uncensored and 10 pages long. It's got to be better than all this wasted energy repeatedly thinking about it and trying to solve the unsolvable. I've wasted 2 hours of work time this morning on it, let alone how much all the other days.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Totally agree!

 

[gooblax]

I've sent it/something. Couple of hours and a few extra tears later, mostly when it came to hit send.