My ongoing therapy dilemma

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm still undecided about what to do cause I don't think I can change in a way that fixes my personality to that of a real person rather than a poor excuse for a robot. Or fixes the stupid feelings I have about things. Which means what's the point in trying, especially when it means inflicting my unlikeable robot self on people who could do anything better with their time than that...

So much negativity and self-criticism, destructive repetitive intrusive thoughts that demoralize you and drag down your mood and self-esteem, and none of them even close to realistic or accurate self-statements.

Read that paragraph again: Everything in what you wrote there is why you need to continue in therapy.

 

[gooblax]

Maybe I just can't do it though. If I can't change what needs to be changed then therapy is pointless, and I just don't think I'm built right for some of the things to be any other way. Even if I go through separating the truth from the exaggeration in the paragraph, I don't think I can fix the truths. And those truths make me unpleasant to talk to so it's 2 points against.

It's almost time for my annual tradition of questioning why I didn't off myself when I turned 18. Sure some things are different and better but I'm not sure if the minor achievements are enough to justify the rest. At the centre of it I haven't changed much and I can't imagine this fundamental thing ever being any different.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Maybe I just can't do it though. If I can't change what needs to be changed then therapy is pointless, and I just don't think I'm built right for some of the things to be any other way. Even if I go through separating the truth from the exaggeration in the paragraph, I don't think I can fix the truths. And those truths make me unpleasant to talk to so it's 2 points against.

There are no truths in that paragraph. Just worries and distorted self-perceptions.

It's almost time for my annual tradition of questioning why I didn't off myself when I turned 18. Sure some things are different and better but I'm not sure if the minor achievements are enough to justify the rest. At the centre of it I haven't changed much and I can't imagine this fundamental thing ever being any different.

Another very good reason to continue with therapy.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

gooblax... You seem to be getting more and more down... Is this anything you might feel like whenever you have any houseguests?

Or does this sort of thing happen only when certain people are over?

I could be reading into this, but do people normally stay in a hotel or Bed & Breakfast so you have some gooblax time to recoup/re-energize?

I get the feeling that when people/certain people come to visit that you might feel more anxious/depressed.
For example: In the past I could have people stay overnight. Nowadays, it’s too stressful. It feels like an invasion into my safe haven. It would be easier if my company could stay with someone else or in a hotel.

When it came to my unchosen family (family of origin) I felt I had no choice when they came to visit. It was my house but it felt like I wasn’t respected, and for some reason I felt I couldn’t be in as much control of things. When I spoke to my psychologist he opened my eyes: just because they’re your family, it doesn’t mean you have to put up with their toxic ****. You have a right to feel safe, respected, to have boundaries, and not feel like your emotions are going to take a beating.

So it doesn’t matter who is coming to the house. You can be in control, or tell them to leave. Your psychologist could help you come up with strategies, and if you need them, reasons why you should feel safe in your own home.

Again, I might be reading into things. But I’ve felt more down and hopeless in the past when my parents/certain people came to visit from afar (sometimes from near) for those reasons. Because I dreaded the visiting but felt I had no choice in the matter.

And I’m not the only one in the family who felt that way about my parents, it turns out.

And if I’m totally wrong: *huggles* because reasons.


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[gooblax]

Nah it's not about the visitors yet, or at least mostly not. My parents aren't coming until next week but my concern about it at the moment is just that I need to be able to be a certain way when they're here (eg. not randomly crying from thinking about stuff, having a certain level of energy /motivation /mood especially with respect to the fact that they're visiting for my b'day which to me has long been a day based on other's expectations rather than my own).

Things aren't good independently of their visit, independently of my b'day, as a result of my last therapy session and what led into that and came out of it. I guess they're just non-helpful things to have on the horizon when I'm already having problems and maybe the pressure in putting on myself to handle the therapy thing so it won't affect the horizon things is leading to the bad-okish-bad progression.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Well, is there a reason you feel you have to act “normal” in front of your parents? Usually if a child has a mental health issue, then it’s possible either of your parents or their siblings/your uncles & aunts and possibly some cousins may also have some kind of mental health issue.

I always felt like I didn’t have a choice. Maybe not this time, but perhaps the next time you have visitors while you are discussing plans to visit you, tell them something very very general like you aren’t feeling well and need lots of space to rest. If they ask more you don’t have to go into detail, you could say “I would prefer not to discuss it,” or again, generalize and say you have chronic pain (you don’t have to tell them the chronic pain is mental not physical) and you need to take care of yourself before you can enjoy their company.

Maybe next time you see your therapist you can ask him about this. If he helps you lay down reasonable boundaries for yourself, you’ll get more used to it. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself by acting the opposite of how you feel. I’ve done that, but it’s really hard on you. I hope you can still accept how you feel and have time to mindfully journal what it is you feel, where you think the feelings are coming from/why they’re being stirred up, and what you can do to self-soothe or protect yourself.

What is “normal” by the way? Sometimes the “normal” you know in your social groups, such as your family aren’t really “normal” to someone else’s point of view. What is “normal” for you and how’s that working for you?

You sound really nice, and this might be way out in left field, but if you allow people to do what they want and try to please them all the time instead of being yourself, trust me, that alone is enough of a good reason to talk to your therapist. [emoji3590]


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[gooblax]

Thanks H011yHawk.

There's no way I can say anything like that to my parents. It's so much worse when they try to be helpful with stuff like this than when they don't know anything about it. If I can actually be feeling alright then there won't be a need to pretend, and it will 100% be better for everyone including me.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for therapy. I can't be sufficiently objective about it and it's just too hard to have all these feelings about it all the time, but neither continuing or stopping can put a stop to the stupid feelings. Both options just make it worse.

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW, some requisite Psychology Today spam:

Therapy is not a linear process. It's actually more like the stock market--you can count on some progress in the long term, but there will be short-term peaks and valleys. Unlike the stock market, however, you may not know whether you are experiencing a peak or a valley! Frustration and pain does not necessarily mean you're not doing some very good therapeutic work. You might want to stick with it and give your therapist a chance, trusting him or her to know what to do. On the other hand, your feelings might be an indicator that it is at least time to take a break from therapy. In either case, you have the right to initiate the discussion of suspending or ending your work. For example, you can start the conversation off with, "I've noticed that at times it seems like I take two steps forward and one back. I think I've learned some useful tools in our work together and I want to take a break from therapy. That will give me an opportunity to try out what I've learned."

Two More Good Reasons to End Psychotherapy | Psychology Today

Decision Making Process

• Talk about your feelings with your therapist including whatever concerns you might have about leaving, staying, the therapist, or your treatment. This might sound like a “no brainer”, but is sometimes difficult for patients to do.
• Evaluate therapist’s reactions and subsequent actions. Have changes been made that have addressed your concerns? Or do you just feel like you are being “blamed”, and the therapist is being defensive?
• Sometimes a patient and therapist might disagree about whether it is the appropriate time to terminate. As honestly as possible, try to determine if you are getting close to some uncomfortable feeling or realization that is making you want to stop prematurely. Ultimately, it is your decision. If in doubt, seek further consultation with a different therapist.
• A therapist might suggest a patient work with someone else to get a different approach or perspective.

To End or Not to End Therapy: That is the Question | Psychology Today

If you are confused about staying or leaving, you can give it more time, or, alternatively, take a vacation from therapy. Either route may give you the information you're seeking.

Should you Stop Therapy or Counseling? 7 Simple Guidelines | Psychology Today

The process of therapy is intense and powerful. Often, when people find their symptoms are (temporarily) alleviated, they feel incredible relief, and this feeling of relief allows them to feel the possibility of wellness. Typically, as they continue in therapy, they then begin to feel uncomfortable. The therapy process begins to take a deeper look into the person and his or her life. Unpleasant feelings can emerge, such as feelings of dependency, or a deeper unhappiness. More subtle thought distortions, relationship patterns, or acting out can begin to be revealed, and all of this can be frightening, or make the patient feel worse. This is a common time when people have the urge to leave.

When Is Therapy Done? | Psychology Today

 

[GaryQ]

Hi @gooblax , ( and David, and Holly and FMN and whoever be lurking just reading LOL)

I see you're still troubled and confused about therapy which is good because it means you haven't given up yet

I'd like to point out a few things that stood out in this thread and take it or leave it interject my Canadian 2 cents

1 - Therapy causes you to question your perceptions of reality vs distorted thoughts.

2 - It might help it might not. Sure it sucks to dish out that much money to talk to someone and if you read my post that I'll be posting after this one not to highjack your thread you'll see that when you least expect it, **** can happen but so can good stuff.

3 - Mentioning your B-Day being somewhere in this timeframe I think ours are close Mine be on the 11th. So whenever yours is I wish you a big happy B-day from (GUESS WHAT: Someone who CARES about you and your wellbeing!)

4 - You may disagree and maybe just not realize the fact but from what I have read in your posts over the years I can see a sh*tload of psychological trauma. You and your parents may love each other dearly and there is a strong family bond but they don't understand you and your mom has trouble with your clothing ad identity and I can recall you quoting some comments that I would not consider kind or respectful of who you are and that can cause unrealized trauma because it's been like that forever.

5 - The funny twists on your username made me laugh. Holly's was good but must admit the roo (took me a second to click) was pretty good.

6 - Really happy to read you rode your bike to work and didn't push it by riding back home. I think once you can get back to using those 2 wheels to let off some built up energy you will probably feel a bit if not a lot better. Someone that has followed even a small portion of your posts would have to be clueless not to realize how much you love riding a bike.

7 - When you write stuff as David mentioned you' re not writing with the goal or intention of publishing a best-seller or winning a Pulitzer. You spilling your guts out and that's they goal. Sure there will be all kinds of conflicting thoughts and stuff but that's what's happening in your mind.

8 - Humility is a humble characteristic to develop and it's very conflicting with pride. Don't need, shouldn't need etc... are all distorted thoughts that need to be tamed. Everyone needs help for many things in their lifetime and get ready for it because the older you get the more you will most likely have to depend on others and accept (hardest part is acknowledging the fact) help. We are societal creatures wether we feel we belong or not. You need them for a job, to sell you vegemite, to heal you when your sick and to help you learn to grow and deal with your issues.

Final note dear friend: Therapy ain't about fixing what can't be fixed or changed it's about gaining understanding and tools to work through and live with the issues/disabilities and what nots. Someone who loses both legs doesn't get help to walk again but help to deal and adapt. Stop thinking you need to FIX yourself. And learn to accept who you are and how to deal and cope with your issues so that you may enjoy all the good and great things in your life rather than stuck focussing on fixing what you might not be able to. (Like that Serenity prayer part... to change what I can and to accept that which I can't... )

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Very well said, @GaryQ!

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

What Gary said! [emoji3590]


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[gooblax]

I guess the only way out is through. :facepalm:

I've emailed to ask for a session next week, because I know I'll still be constantly thinking about it if I don't. Not to say that I won't still be constantly thinking about it now that I've emailed, but this way the constant thoughts have the possibility of a slight positive spin to them rather than the doom gloom other thoughts.

At the start of the session, whenever it is, I'm also going to ask him if we can either set up a regular schedule or spend the first few mins at the start of each session (at the end might not be a good idea) deciding when the next one will be. Using between-session emails or even calls to reception to schedule each session is just feeding my problem at the moment. Maybe ad hoc sessions via reception work fine for him and his other clients but they're not working for me.


Thanks for the CAD$0.02 Gary. Apparently that's about AUD$0.022 so an even better deal for me

 

[GaryQ]

I like your idea of scheduling. Put you in a routine of probably just complaining about having to go through the sessions and might cut out some of the humm and haw around scheduling or not. (Probably not lol. But we must try and be somewhat optimistic and positive right? After all you're still going through with the sessions After all the mixed emotions revolving around it)

Glad you made a profit on my 2 cents CAD. :rofl: Better than being told to put them where the sun don't shine

 

[gooblax]

Who wants to take bets on whether my therapist will reply to my scheduling email this afternoon? I've bet myself an icecream, so either way I win. Got 3 more icecreams to bet if anyone else wants to try their luck...?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

His track record for speedy replies is not exactly stellar.

 

[gooblax]

Haha nope it is not. Looking forward to my Drumstick.

 

[GaryQ]

Happy food/treats the best thing I’m life lol

I’ve been dying for some chips... but it’s only been 4 days since my extractions. I had bought 3 big bags (you have to buy 3 to save at “WallyWorld”) knowing I wouldn’t be able to eat any until I get some choppers to chew with. Had 3/4 of the last bag the night before but my gums were too sore and stopped... which means I have some left taunting me... ugh

I extremely rarely have ice-cream but I’m thinking Maybe a gallon of REAL chocolate ice cream could be somewhat comforting tomorrow as a bday treat. With some brain freeze to boot lol

 

[gooblax]

I'm just imagining if someone tried mushing the chips up into a "pre-chewed" paste and how that might be enough to put anyone off the idea of eating them for awhile.

The chocolate ice cream sounds like a good idea, although maybe not all in the one sitting. How's the instant pot been going? Any soft foods you can make in that?



As mostly expected, no reply from therapist yesterday about booking a session so maybe I'll hear back Thursday. I'm still just sad and it really ****ing sucks.

 

[Daniel E.]

Does your therapist answer phone calls faster than e-mail?

BTW, there's a lack of research about the antidepressant effects of homemade vs. store-bought ice cream, so I am trying my best to find out

 

[gooblax]

Does your therapist answer phone calls faster than e-mail

No idea, I've never called him. He was quicker the one time on sms but it could have been a coincidence. He replied to one email quickly too for my last session booking.