My ongoing therapy dilemma

[gooblax]

The thing is fundamental to how I am as a person (or imitation thereof). I don't see how I can possibly change it.
I'm still going to attend the session and try to talk about why I think the thing can't be changed. But i can't see anything good coming out of the discussion.

 

[Daniel E.]

But i can't see anything good coming out of the discussion.

I think therapy can be almost inherently good at building resilience.

 

[GaryQ]

David and Daniel are right.

ill just add that some things in life are worth fighting for; some a little bit; some a bit more and some with everything you have.

I feel you deserve to give it your all and fight with everything you have to give because you are worth it. Doesn't matter if you believe any of us on this subject just fight the fight and see where it leads. Don't forget there's now 30 years of distorted thinking and self destructive thoughts... it's a pattern that will take a lot of effort, hard work, time and patience to overcome.

and you might fall on your face way more and for a longer period than when you learned to walk. You get up you brush it off and you keep on fighting FOR YOU and your future.

I know this part is hard (hell I can't seem to be able to do it at all) but stop looking at what you haven't achieved and start counting everything you have succeeded in and at. Look at your victories and get back up and learn from your failures. There's more victories than defeats except defeats seem 100 times bigger and worse.

P.S. Watch out for swooping magpies too While you're at it

 

[GaryQ]

The thing is fundamental to how I am as a person (or imitation thereof).

i understand and respect how you feel it you are who you are and your are a person like everyone else. YOU ARE NOT AN IMITATION THEREOF. Therefore as a good friend il have to do this :smack:

 

[gooblax]

If I'm going to keep at it, there has to be a way to move on from this topic and have sessions that don't lead to such ridiculous sadness. I don't think I've cried this much since 2006. This might even be more than then.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Crying during or after a therapy session is fairly common. It's not like a chat. You are addressing issues which you suppress and don't normally talk about at all. Having an emotional reaction to that is arguably a sign that you're doing what needs to be done, or in other words that therapy is working as it should.

 

[gooblax]

I understand that on a theoretical level, but having it going on and off for almost four weeks after a session seems a bit much.
Edit: I also think this level of suckiness could've been prevented by some different word choices of what my therapist could have said, so there's that to bring up too.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I also think this level of suckiness could've been prevented by some different word choices of what my therapist could have said, so there's that to bring up too.

You absolutely should bring that up. In all likelihood, he was unaware of this.

 

[GaryQ]

Somehow I don’t thing there’s a defined term, time or even definition for what is a bit much...

what’s that saying “nobody said it’d be easy but it’ll be worth it” I think this is one situation where it’s relevant. One of the things I really hate about life is no pain, no gain. Sucks but that’s life. Can’t appreciate the victories without the challenges.

i also agree that if some chosen words on his behalf aren’t appropriate or helpful that you should make a point to address it ASAP. The quicker and easier if it’s stopped in it’s tracks it’s too late otherwise in becomes a pattern that is hard to break.

Its encouraging to read that you’re keeping at it even if it’s hard and probably emotionally draining. I do honestly see victory over many obstacles. Maybe not the perfection you would like to reach but a balance between what it’s been and what you would like is within reach.

 

[gooblax]

The thing that makes me hesitant to bring it up (aside from the risk of being emotional trying to say it) is that it was an honest/truthful thing to say and I don't think it would be helpful for him to lie instead. It's like getting upset about being told that the sky is blue. Rationally it makes sense so it shouldn't be a problem, but emotionally it's a giant ****ing problem even though there's no need for it to be.

Edit : removed extraneous detail

 

[GaryQ]

The. Express that fact. Tell him what and why it troubles you. It’s therapy no politically or socially acceptable policy rules involved.

You’re paying for a service and it’s ok to discuss what troubles you be it blue sky or not. So don’t worry about it. If it troubles you analyze why it does and try and explain it to him. The more he understands your triggers the more he can be helpful

 

[David Baxter PhD]

it was an honest/truthful thing to say and I don't think it would be helpful for him to lie instead

Something can be honest and truthful and still unnecessarily harsh.

Your comment reminds me of the term "brutally honest". Being honest is often helpful. Being brutally honest is usually being unnecessarily harsh and tactless. There is almost always a less hurtful way to phrase something.

 

[gooblax]

Yeah I'm planning on telling him that his point was still clear and he could have omitted the last part of a particular sentence without losing any meaning (and with the benefit that I wouldn't have a direct quote to taunt myself with afterwards). It's in my unstructured "list of things in case I don't want to talk" so the plan is to just say them regardless of how I'm feeling about it at the time (which could be sad/angry/ok-to-suck-it-up since I've felt all 3 ways about it today).
At least 'just saying it anyway' is one thing I'm better at compared to 2009.

The session is tomorrow after work so tonight I might try to put my list into a structure for ease of reading if it comes to that. There's a few different ways to approach the convo so depending on how I felt about it was how I wrote on the list, but I don't want a choose-your-own-adventure to look at during the session.

 

[GaryQ]

It's in my unstructured "list of things in case I don't want to talk" so the plan is to just say them regardless of how I'm feeling about it at the time (which could be sad/angry/ok-to-suck-it-up since I've felt all 3 ways about it today).
At least 'just saying it anyway' is one thing I'm better at compared to 2009.

Sounds like a good plan. That way it gets expressed regardless of how your feeling at that moment.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: sadness

"Sometimes, feelings of sadness and grief, once the distortions have been eliminated, are are the experiences that can wake us up, and provide the profound sense of meaning we are craving in our lives. The highest human experience, perhaps, is the compassion we sometimes feel for ourselves and others who are suffering. In fact, this may be the true meaning of spirituality."

~ David Burns

 

[gooblax]

Internet was no good on his end, had to reschedule for tomorrow when he can be at an alternate location.
Felt sad as soon as I saw him on (laggy/choppy/freezing) video so that's gonna be fun. :facepalm:

Also now means I don't get to find out yet whether my all-day mild stomach ache has been from anxiety about the session or something else.

 

[GaryQ]

At least the pain is gone

what i find funny is way back when we had dial up video was lower res but never had any issues back then using MSN messenger video chat. Just the thought seems weird though... Microsoft and working without issues in the same sentence.

 

[gooblax]

Mild stomach pain is back a bit today but not as bad as Tues. Maybe I'm accidentally poisoning myself with something out of date that I haven't noticed yet. Or maybe just not eating well, although I didn't think I was doing too badly.

Therapy session went well, mercifully. We've set next session's date and briefly talked about how the old scheduling system wasn't working. There's more I could probably say to him about that to explain but doesn't have to be all at once.

I mentioned that I found the particular comment unhelpful, and he gave me some more context around what he was trying to say. Apparently it didn't quite come out the way he meant it. So maybe after the discussion I'll be a bit closer to letting that go.

Also talked a bit about why last session was so hard. There's quite a bit left for me to try and say about that, but again no need to get through it all at once.

Cautiously optimistic about it for the moment (until my thoughts decide to skew again lol).

 

[GaryQ]

Awesome Possum

Thanks for sharing. Glad you were able to raise the issues you wanted to with him

 

[gooblax]

The "I should cancel" thoughts were pretty much under control until yesterday.
I've got a thing I need to send to my therapist which I'd almost finished writing (and on-and-off have been mostly ok with sending the main bits with the not-ok bits off in a separate section that won't get sent), but the document is now sitting in a box of "because of how I'm feeling about having my next session, I should cancel the session" tied with a nice big red "I can't say that, I can't say anything, shut up" ribbon.
:computer: