My ongoing therapy dilemma

[David Baxter PhD]

I just don't like how much I like and miss him.

But that's a different issue, and it's different from what your thoughts often "tell" you about how unimportant you are, etc.

 

[gooblax]

I guess but I wouldn't care about being unimportant if he wasn't important to me, though. When it comes to most people it doesn't matter much to me at all. So it's still interrelated.

I tried going out with colleagues tonight but messed up by accidentally confusing someone else's order for mine. I ordered a drink with a similar name to the drink that someone else ordered and I took theirs not even realising the difference until the one I'd ordered came out. But they were very obviously different to anyone with half a brain paying attention. Offered to buy the guy a replacement but he declined and just had the drink I'd ordered, then I offered again when he was nearly finished it but he'd had enough. So of course now I'm more upset with myself and slightly self harmed in a way I haven't used in ages and feel like I shouldn't exist so that was just a fantastic decision to accept that invitation.

 

[Daniel E.]

Offered to buy the guy a replacement but he declined and just had the drink I'd ordered, then I offered again when he was nearly finished it but he'd had enough.

That's more than what most people would do. As demonstrated by your prosocial behavior, these less-than-perfect experiences can be a way of getting closer to people (unless they are jerks).

Ideally, I try to find the humor in some of my mistakes. Or the mistakes of others (like the server).

So of course now I'm more upset with myself and slightly self harmed in a way I haven't used in ages and feel like I shouldn't exist so that was just a fantastic decision to accept that invitation.

That is sad since it makes me wonder what you put yourself through for a serious mistake. Self-blame, guilt, and shame are common components of depression, anxiety, OCD, perfectionism, etc:

"Blaming occurs when the person takes their attention off the actual problem and blames themselves or others for the situation."

A lot of self-blame involves "I should have known," but you don't know what you don't know: "There are also unknown unknowns—the ones we don't know we don't know." There's also the tricky role of memory in assigning blame. For one thing, memory is not like a recording. It is malleable and based on one's beliefs. So when someone with OCD compulsively "replays" their memories, they are playing with fire for self-blame.

Just as there are usually six or seven factors in an airline disaster (bad weather, tired pilots, a late departure, lack of a sterile cockpit, task saturation, etc.), there are that many factors in everyday mistakes. And people make mistakes even with lots of experience because it is impossible for humans--even well-trained pilots--to do everything perfectly every time as a biological entity. Most commercial pilots admit to having slept on the job. Most doctors have committed some level of unintentional malpractice/negligence:

Doctors Make Mistakes. A New Documentary Explores What Happens When They Do—and How to Fix It

"To Err is Human" looks at the consequences of medical errors

time.com

In the film, Dr. Ashish Jha, a professor of medicine and healthcare at Harvard Medical School, admits to prescribing medication to the wrong patient after confusing him with another with a similar name. “I felt terrible, I felt incompetent, I felt a little ashamed,” he says. “My first instinct was not just to fix the problem, but not to tell anybody.”O

Of course, the healthy alternative to self-blame is self-acceptance, which can be amazingly difficult. So it's a matter of practice over a lifetime.

 

[gooblax]

I know that what you're saying about it being only a minor mistake is true but it's also the perfect reason to keep beating myself up, which I feel like I deserve for general reasons.
I swapped to a different spot for self injury this morning. Assuming therapy goes ahead this afternoon I'll see how self sabotaging I am then.

 

[Daniel E.]

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[gooblax]

Seeing my psychologist helped a bit. It might continue to improve if I try to apply what he said about letting it go.
But now I'm also sad about having been mopey in session rather than making my psych feel happy (I know that's not why I'm there, it's just that I want him to be feeling good).

 

[gooblax]

Last session my therapist explained that his focus for helping me overcome the self-destructive stuff that sometimes comes up is for me to build my sense of self /identity and to be happier about me so that I'll not want to do things that are harmful. It's reassuring to know that he has a more sophisticated understanding of it than "just a habit" but it's still hard to make progress on.

Thinking about what I'd like my future to look like is kind of scary, because when I look I either see things that are a lot of effort (more effort than I think I can put forth), anxiety-provoking, or I just see nothing and that's the worst of all.

 

[Daniel E.]

[Video] Past, present or future?

Past, present or future? Health Psych Monday, April 13, 2009 Anxiety often comes from the future, of not knowing what is to come. When that's the case, it's often helpful to bring ourselves back to the present. After all, we often have limited control over the future, we certainly can't change...

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Affirmations for the Depressed

15 Affirmations To Say When You?re Depressed by Therese J. Borchard January 21, 2014 The self-defeating thoughts that accompany depression are among the most painful elements of the illness. When I?m in the thick of the darkness, I can?t see anything remotely positive about myself. I...

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Affirmations for Reducing Self-Sabotage

Some of these affirmations by Wayne Dyer (who has appeared numerous times on public television) are kind of "new age" Excuse 1: It will be difficult. Affirmation: I have the ability to accomplish any task I set my mind to with ease and comfort. Excuse 2: It's going to be risky. Affirmation...

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[gooblax]

I've got some big "missing my psych" feelings today.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That's not a bad thing.

 

[gooblax]

That's not a bad thing.

It doesn't feel like "not a bad thing" though. I resorted to looking at a photo of him this morning.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

He's an important person in your life right now. You need that sort of connection at various points in therapy.

 

[gooblax]

I guesssssssss. It seems wrong and like he wouldn't want that happening though.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think more therapy clients do that than you would expect. And I doubt that he would be terribly surprised if he knew (which of course he doesn't unless you tell him).

 

[gooblax]

I did briefly tell him ages ago about the photo thing but he might not think it's still happening and I don't plan on saying it again any time soon.
I tried mentioning how much I would miss him if I stopped having sessions but couldn't even get the words out without choking up so I abandoned that line of conversation.

It's just messy and weird because I don't normally have such obvious strong feelings about people except in weird sorts of circumstances, and I don't like it.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I did briefly tell him ages ago about the photo thing but he might not think it's still happening and I don't plan on saying it again any time soon.

I don't think there's any need to tell him.

I tried mentioning how much I would miss him if I stopped having sessions but couldn't even get the words out without choking up so I abandoned that line of conversation.

It's just messy and weird because I don't normally have such obvious strong feelings about people except in weird sorts of circumstances, and I don't like it.

It feels "weird" because it's a new and unfamiliar feeling for you. That doesn't make it messy though, nor does it mean it's a bad thing.

In fact, I would view it as a good thing and a sign of important progress for you... something I hope will give you more self-confidence and a greater sense of belonging in the future.

And perhaps one other good thing about it is that these feelings, albeit confusing and sometimes distressing for you, have helped you continue in therapy even when you thought you should quit.

I know both Daniel and I have expressed doubts about him in the past but despite his quirks I think he has helped you and will continue to help you. And who doesn't have quirks, after all? It's quirks that make people interesting.

All that said, do not underestimate your own perseverance and courage and all of the hard work you have done in therapy that has brought you this far. I'm proud of you, gooblax. Keep going — it's working!

 

[gooblax]

Thanks.

I think he and I have learned how to better work with each other, especially over the last year. Pity it took a big painful rupture to kick off the improvement but I'm hoping it'll be worth it.

He's behind on billing again but I'll cut him some slack there with his injury and the long lockdown stuffing up the new combined practice he'd just entered. But because my old card expired he'll need the new details - if he'd billed promptly then it would've been fine on the old card and I could've just told him during next session. I decided it was important enough for me to email him to let him know, just in case he's tried billing the old card or was planning on trying in the next few days before the session. Of course now I want to throw my phone (where I check emails, rather than on my desktop) off the 3rd floor balcony so I won't have to deal with it anymore.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

He's behind on billing again but I'll cut him some slack there with his injury and the long lockdown stuffing up the new combined practice he'd just entered. But because my old card expired he'll need the new details - if he'd billed promptly then it would've been fine on the old card and I could've just told him during next session. I decided it was important enough for me to email him to let him know, just in case he's tried billing the old card or was planning on trying in the next few days before the session. Of course now I want to throw my phone (where I check emails, rather than on my desktop) off the 3rd floor balcony so I won't have to deal with it anymore.

That's really not your problem, injury or new practice or lockdowns notwithstanding. He'll figure it out and in any case you can give him the new details when you next see him.

No need to throw your phone away.

 

[gooblax]

It's not something that I want to be his problem either. Hopefully he didn't try to catch up on billing over the weekend and therefore didn't already run into the problem.

I still might want to throw my phone away though - I just checked the email I sent and it did its typical trick of omitting my name from the bottom of the email (like where you typically sign off an email, I wrote my name and it deleted it... Which is something that always seems to happen with Gmail for me if I recover a saved draft unless I go back and write it in a second time.)
At least that's the only mistake on the email as far as I'm aware.

 

[gooblax]

He hasn't sent any bill/receipt/email-reply yet so I assume he wasn't in any rush to bill me for the 2 sessions.

While I have a list of topics to choose from for my session today (assuming no cancellation from his side), I'm thinking of giving him the option of picking a topic that he thinks might be helpful. Caveat being that if it gets unhelpful then I'll move to a new topic.

Just to add, my phone has predictive text when typing. When I type "while I have a" it predicts that the next words will be "new gecko" 🤣