My parents hate me and I don't know what to do

[savethegame]

I am twelve years old, normal kid. I get A's in school, sometimes B's. But i keep getting that feeling that my parents hate. Not just once or twice, but everyday. And i am hating them more and more every day. Here is why

1. Everytime i do something wrong, my mom slaps, like ten times a day. and 90% of the time i didn't do anything wrong! If i combined all her hits into one, i would be dead in this life and for my next three lives.

2. They call me something bad all the time. whenever i didn't get something done in time they would call me a lazy bull. If i got an 85 on a test (which i rarely do), they will think i am losing concentration and make me work on math or whatever it is a couple extra hours every day.

3. If i take long to do something, they will just start calling me bad stuff and saying "you're not putting any effort into this(slap)" or "come on, even your 5-year old sister could do better than this!" everything i do, they just think i am not putting any effort in to it. And i keep telling them that i am, but they don't listen.

4. They find a way to blame anything and everything on me. If my sister loses to me in a game, they get all mad and say that i should have let her win. When my mom knocked over a glass of water at dinner, she blames me for putting it there, and makes me clean it up.

every time i do something "wrong" they have a talk with me, and every time, it makes me cry, with their insults and punishments. I try hard not to, but in the end i do. They say stuff like "what should we do with you" and "i can't believe you were born to us".

They are probably the worst parents a child could have.

I think of running away all the time, but if i did, where would i go? What would i do? I cant do anything, so i stay at home.

I don't have the courage to stand up to them, thinking of what they will do. If i ignore them, they just make me talk and punish me for ignoring. I am living out of fear for them, not respect.

Please, i dont know what to do. Help needed!

 

[Meg]

Re: My parents hate me and dont know what to do. help!

:hug::hug::hug::hug:

It must be really confusing and upsetting for that to keep happening. Do you have any grandparents, aunts, or uncles you could talk to about this? It sounds like you have some pretty heavy expectations on your shoulders. Sometimes parents push hard because they want the best for you, but this sounds more harmful than helpful and it would be so good if you had someone to help you. Parents sometimes need help to know the best way to look after their child, and perhaps if you could tell another adult family member how much this is hurting you they might talk to them. Another option is to talk to your school counsellor. They will know about helping you with your feelings and with knowing how to take care of yourself. They might also get in touch with your parents - not to get angry at them, but to offer them support too so that you can work together to make things better.

 

[savethegame]

In reply to Meg's post.

Do you have any grandparents, aunts, or uncles you could talk to about this?

Yes, i do have people i could talk to. But my parents act all nice in front of them, and if i told my aunt, grandparent, etc., they would just think i am exaggerating way to much, which i am not.

As for the counselor, i don't think we have any in our school and also, everybody in my class will think i have problems or something if we do have one and i go to it. Also, my parents will probably get mad at me if they get a call from a counselor, and ask "why did you tell her that" and "we aren't anything like that!!!"

Any other suggestions?

 

[CarlaMarie]

There is a school counselor at your school. Every school has a school counselor. Their job is to help kids just like you. If you don't want them to tell your parents then that is what you need to tell them. They also know all about what it is like to be a twelve year old and how important your privacy is. You seem like a bright kid I challenge you to go snooping around your school and find out who the counselor is who talks to kids. Maybe try the school website or talk to the kids who get in trouble. Do you go to church? You could talk to the Pastor or Priest? Your going to have find a way to access and trust an adult. Other options are you can call child protective serives yourself and file a complaint and they will come interview you and your parents separately and maybe some others? By law they have to listen to you. You can call 911. You have choices and you have options. You could sit down and have a heart to heart with your parents and tell them they need to figure out a different way to parent you because you don't deserve to be hit, your doing your best. You can tell them you feel like they hate you. It could all be a misunderstanding.
I have a thirteen year old and she thinks I am evil. I think an alien has invaded her body. I love her and sometimes I wish I could scoop her up and hug her just like I did when she was a baby. She won't let me come near her. In the mean time I parent her the best way I know how and that is to keep her safe and in the right direction toward adulthood. I hope it helps.

 

[savethegame]

Thanks, i will try to talk with my parents. I just don't know what they'll think of me if i say i don't deserve to be hit, since i've never had a talk like that with my parents before. What will they do? I doubt much will change, but if it does, i'll be happy. I am just nervous about what to say and stuff. But i will give it a try soon. Any tips?

 

[CarlaMarie]

Since this is the option you chose. My guess is they are going to love you no matter what. Kids don't come with handbooks we do our best. Most of the time parents parent the way they were parented when we know better we do better. If I were you I would practice by writing letters. Write and rewrite just like a paper. Focus on how it makes you feel when...make I statements. Talk about the pressure you feel.They can't argue with how you feel. Be very careful not to blame that will make them defensive. Give them suggestions on solutions like: when I do something wrong it is enough to tell me with words I understand. It is humiliating to be hit I am twelve...speak from your heart. Tell them what you told us. We heard you. You are very articulate. Be couragous, you deserve to be happy! I can't wait to hear how it goes. Oh a couple more things. Give them a warning that you want to talk to them about how you have been feeling, it may be rocky with lots of emotions and that is ok, they will probably need some time after to process it, then they may come back to you with a warmer response.

 

[savethegame]

CarlaMarie,

Thanks for the help. I want to talk with them, i am not getting the courage to. I don't know how they'll respond, what they'll think, if they will punish me... etc. I am just not up for it yet. dont know when it's going to happen, i am way too nervous. Also, today wasnt a good time, since i had a talk, and i was crying again. Mom said that if i cry again, she will punish me. Like it's my fault i'm crying.

 

[FireFly]

Dear savethegame

Your post saddened me. I hope relief is somehow fast-tracking it's way to you right now. I'd like you to realize, that your smarts and ability to advocate for yourself will get you through this really tough stuff. Give yourself a pat on the back right now ... you have a lot of strength to try and protect yourself. Even if you feel like you're dealing with this alone, you are not. Many people are living in painful situations. ...and luckily there are also many people who's job it is to help kids in your very situation.

You are 12 years old, and I understand it's difficult to ask your parents to change their behaviour toward you, and to take you seriously. They might not listen. I do think it's great to have a conversation with them if you can ... no parent is perfect. It definitely doesn't mean they hate you, but they might have personal problems of their own. Problems that make it hard for them to see how profoundly they are hurting you. Lots of mums & dads have things they need to work on, to be better at their job. On the other hand savethegame, it's not okay that their way of dealing with their frustration, is to slap you. You need help and understanding, and I don't think you can handle this kind of problem on your own. I would like to see you create a support system for yourself. Asking for advice here on the forums, is a great first step!

A safe place to be heard whether it's a counsellor/therapist, a group setting, the internet, or the telephone, will help you feel less isolated in your problem at home. It can really help. There is usually a number in most cities/towns dealing with crisis, where you can call and talk to someone. Because you are a kid, they could help you get in touch with a resource that deals just with kids problems. Here, we call it The Distress Centre. There may be one in your area also.

In Canada where I live, we have something called the KidsHelpPhone ... a free 24/7 number set up to offer kids an ear, give them advice, and get them access to resources. They can help with lots of issues from dating, abuse, bullying, family stuff, and so on. If you are in Canada the number is 1.800.668.6868. Even if you are not in Canada go to their website, Kids Help Phone - free, anonymous, 24/7 telephone and online counselling | Kids Help Phone[/url] They have lots of good stuff on dealing with abuse, and tools for dealing with your situation like "Letters Written Never Sent". Or SelfQuest where you can explore your personal story from another perspective... privately. Profiles can also be created where you can express yourself with other ppl your age, going through problems of their own. KidsHelpPhone.ca also has info on how to stay safe online ... always a good refresher for us web-trawlers.

Here is an similar American number 1-800-4-A-CHILD they can talk to you and give you advice.
Or call 1-800-RUNAWAY if you are thinking about leaving home. I understand how you feel, but please talk to someone before making this kind of decision.


I would like your effort here to result in some concrete options for you. At the very least, the universal information on these sites can help, or serve as a gateway to finding assistance in your immediate area. Most offer an "Ask online" link for addressing specific questions. If you feel comfortable posting just the city or country you live in, I would be happy to make some general enquiries about services in your area, if you haven't been able to do that. I will post them here for you, and for anyone else who might need them. [Edit: Unfortunately this forum will not allow me to include these website links for you, or anyone else it seems. :/ Plx contact me directly if you have difficulty finding them online, and I will resend you this msg in it's entirety. ty.]

Many kids your age need someone to help them tackle big problems in their lives. Crying is a natural response to your sadness, frustration ... and your hurt. You're a normal person to react this way. ... and you're demonstrating massive courage here, asking for guidance. You're saying what you are dealing with is not okay, and that is a very positive and healthy sign coming from you. Don't lose heart, and don't give up until you find the support to make things better. Someone nearby, (a professional) is waiting and listening. You also have all of us here on the forums, listening. ... willing to help.


:grouphug:

 

[forgetmenot]

It really saddens me to hear how they see your tears your sadness and refuse to acknowledge them I do hope you call one of the help numbers You should not be facing this alone
I think if you could even call your doctor and talk to him or her about your emotions perhaps the doctor then could talk to your parents. Someone should be aware about what is happening okay take care of YOU hugs

 

[CarlaMarie]

I really like the information firefly supplied. See if you have the courage to reach out and do any of the the things firefly suggested. You say you are afraid of your parents but when you talk about it specifically the mean stuff seems to be coming from your Mom. Has she always been like this or has something happened to make it worse. What is your Dad like?
Here is what happens. Adults have problems and are stressed out. We feel angry, sad or whatever and have children. Instead of having the ability to say "hey I'm in a bad mood right now" I need space. What happens is some parents get wrapped up in their stuff and forget you are human and have feelings. It sounds like although I am not there and this is only online something is up with your Mom. What was it like before?
How about for now you notice and observe what is going on. We already know it isn't your fault, it isn't about you, so what is it that is causing so much stress and conflict. Just notice.

 

[FireFly]

I'm really glad CarlaMarie added this, and I think it bears repeating so you don't misunderstand ...

"We already know it's not your fault" Please remind yourself this.

Regardless of what you are told, or whether you get an F on your report card.... your ill-treatment is not your fault no matter what your parents are going through. It really is not your fault, savethegame.

 

[savethegame]

I guess lots of it IS my mom, but my dad is also doing stuff. Here is an example with my dad-

I am in a program/competition called First Lego League, you might have heard about it. It is where you build robots out of legos and program them to do missions. My team had 6 other members than me, and my dad was the coach. Every day even if the team was there, he would say things to embarrass me, like if i was taking too ling on building, he would just coming and say"you're not concentrating! put more effort!", even if i am putting as much effort as i can. When i worked on a program once, after everybody left, he had a talk saying that "(other team member) is doing much better than you- he already got 4 programs done! you've just finished one! i am ashamed of you." That is fine, but i just told him that what i was doing was really hard, and all (other team member)'s stuff was all easy. Dad did not care at all, he said that he knows how hard it is, and it's not hard at all! At that time, i was thinking, well if it's nor hard, why don't you go try it yourself?, but i couldn't say that out loud, so i just went up to my room and started reading, crying.

But overall, i think my mom is the meanest one of them both, cause my dad does some nice stuff for me once, and mom says"he doesn't deserve that!" or "he already has everything. you are just ruining him!" then my dad won't do it

How about for now you notice and observe what is going on.

yeah, i think i'll do that. i will reply soon when i find out.

Thanks!

 

[CarlaMarie]

Ok, you do that. Keep us posted. The Lego stuff sounds cool.

 

[Yuray]

Have a look at this link. There are few answers, but you will find stories like your own, and how others deal with it.
I am being emotionally abused by my parents!

Here is another link closer to home
http://www.google.ca/search?num=100&hl=en&newwindow=1&q=my+parents+hate+me+and+I+don%27t+know+what+to+do&btnG=Search&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=&gs_rfai=

 

[savethegame]

CarlaMarie, this was your post-

I really like the information firefly supplied. See if you have the courage to reach out and do any of the the things firefly suggested. You say you are afraid of your parents but when you talk about it specifically the mean stuff seems to be coming from your Mom. Has she always been like this or has something happened to make it worse. What is your Dad like?
Here is what happens. Adults have problems and are stressed out. We feel angry, sad or whatever and have children. Instead of having the ability to say "hey I'm in a bad mood right now" I need space. What happens is some parents get wrapped up in their stuff and forget you are human and have feelings. It sounds like although I am not there and this is only online something is up with your Mom. What was it like before?
How about for now you notice and observe what is going on. We already know it isn't your fault, it isn't about you, so what is it that is causing so much stress and conflict. Just notice.

In reply to that-

It hasnt been too long and i have been noticing, but i cant say much now cause it hasnt been long. but i do remember some things.

1. This has mainly started when we moved to our new house in the third week of second grade, I don't know why. Before that, I used to love my parents-we played together, they were proud of me for being in lots of advanced stuff at school, and let me do a lot of things. But then, in kindergarten, my sister was born, and for a couple years, everything was fine. But once my sister got into preschool, something just happened to them, and their strictness level went from 1 to 1000. I wasn't allowed to watch tv or play video games on weekdays, not allowed to read any fiction books on weekdays, even if i finished all the work they gave me(especially my mom). I guess that's the main problem between us-studying. Nowadays, the moment i get home from school, i have to do piano, do my homework, do extra work that my mom gives me, practice for all this other extracurricular work i am doing, and read an hour of non fiction book before i do anything else, which isn't anything. The maximum break time i get is about ten minutes, sometimes less. Once i am done with all my work, it is about 9:30, and i read for 5 minutes, then go to bed. I have tried to do something about it, but it never worked.

2. For all the small things i do, mom hits me, like if i forget to change into my pajamas a couple of times before bed, or if i spill a glass of water.

All of the reasons are posted in the original post by me, you can see them.

But i will keep noticing on whats happening.

Thank you everybody, especially carlamarie for all the help youve given me. Now i am not feeling that bad anymore.

And i do guess that my parents love me and are doing for me, but like Meg said in the first reply, they do love me, but push me way to hard. And i am starting to like them more. But I still didn't have a talk with my parents yet, but i hope i do it soon.

 

[CarlaMarie]

I'm so glad your feeling better. Keep noticing. Keep sharing. I am so glad you are feeling your parents love. I can't figure out what's not to love about you. You seem like a precious child to me. :lol:

 

[savethegame]

But still, They are angry at me and making me cry everyday. But they've gotten a little(and just a teeny weeny bit) more nice, since i got a 100% on this big project we had to do. But they are the same as before, and my mom made me sit in the garage for half an hour because i cried. I cant tell her that i just can't help it!

 

[CarlaMarie]

You have shared some important information. I appreciate what you have shared. It sounds like your parents have a tremendous amount of expectations of you. That is alot of pressure for a kid to maintain for a long period of time.I have been thinking about a few options. I am wondering if you have had an opportunity to take a look at the depression stuff on the board. Do the symptoms apply to how you are feeling?
Is all the pressure is getting to you.Do you really want to do well but you need help. My thinking is you might want to just talk to your Dad. Tell him how you feel. Explain you want to do well at school but the pressure is too much but it wasn't before you think something is wrong. You are very emotional it could be depression, your thiroid or something. You really need to see a Doctor. It sounds like your parents are thinking it is a dicipline problem and you just need more dicipline they see you as being rebellious. I don't think that is what your doing. You have to tell them your not feeling well so they understand and can help you.
Do you think what I am saying fits what is going on?

 

[savethegame]

no, i looked at the forum, it doesn't look like i have depression or anything. Also, i had my physical just a short while(a couple weeks) ago and he didn't say anything was wrong. But can you tell me some stuff i can say to my parents to decrease the workload and their expectations and to let me do more stuff? I really don't know how to approach them, and i don't know what to say. I think that if i get this sorted out, lots of things will get better. And then i could ask them to be a little less strict and stuff. It would get back to normal(like before second grade), hopefully if i do this.

I just want to know what i can say to lift their expectations on me.

thanks again carlamarie

 

[CarlaMarie]

My guess would be to talk with your Dad whenever you can get him alone. I think that is the best way to do it. Ask him if their is a way that you all can work something out so that you don't have to be "punished" all the time. Explain about the pressure you feel and how you really want to please them but for some reason you keep disappointing them. I would tell your Dad what happens when he is not there. Ask him for help. Then he can bring it to your mom and they can come up with a plan. Use your own language focus on how your feeling explain what you liked about 2nd grade. Do you think you could do that?