Need advice please

[momof5]

Last year my 19 year old was diagnoised with aspergers syndrome. I always knew something was different about him from birth, but when I would question my pediatrician, who was supposed to be one of the best in the area, I never received any answers about what was so different. Even with explaining how he was with different things.

He stays in his room, and seems to be shutting down right now even more. He told me that he didnt' want to go to church anymore. This after teling me that he wanted to be baptized.

He feels no self worth, calls himself worthless and a failure and that his life should not have been created. He isn't suicidal.

Also when he was in 11th grade he had done some LSD and also pot. He got caught with a pot pipe and we went through probation with this. During the probabtion he had purchased some bad pot that has left him with the feelings that he had when he smoked the pot.

He talks about a light body feeling, and that he can't concentrate or remember things.

There is so much more I could go on about, but it would take me forever to post. He does have panic attacks and I sit through them with him.

 

[forgetmenot]

Must be so very hard for you hun to see your son struggle so. I do understand and it is hard not knowing who to reach out to for help Is there any groups your son can sign up with that will help him understand his illness more. Groups that will take away some of the isolation he is feeling. The mental health services in this area run many free groups one can attend I hope you can find some groups you can attend to ones that will help you give you the skills to help your son. Try not to do everything on your own ok get as many services as you can to support your son the more connection he has to others that better hugs

 

[momof5]

I would attend a group, but I can't even get him to even come on here so that he can interact with others that have what he does. He is so socially isolated. He can't get a conversation going with people that he doesn't know.

 

[forgetmenot]

That is hard hun The thing to do hun is to look after you ok you go to the groups ok You gain the skills needed to cope to help your son maybe by seeing you go he will be more incline to go with you at some point in time All you can do hun is to let him know you care and will be there and when he is ready you can help him by getting him to the groups. Is there anything your son loves to do art or music that may help bring him out of the shell he is in

 

[momof5]

fmn,
It seems though as if he doesn't want the help. Like he has given up. I feel as though he is only going through the motions just for us. Emotionally things are hard for him, he can't express them, which is typical. On occasion he will give me a hug just out of no where. I treasure those hugs greatly. Anyone going through this will understand how valuable those hugs are.

Just Sunday night I had to go to my mom;s house to stay overnight since she had an early dr appt that she needed to go to. After church when I dropped him off, he just reached over and hugged me.

I know that we can just put him on SSI and just let him be as he is, however, I want him to go through the DVR program (Division of Vocational Rehabilitation) and be able to work.

He worked for McDonalds, but he was having a bad day, one where he just didn't want to go to work I had to call him out, and sadly I had told them he had the aspergers syndrome. Well when I let them know he was having an attack, his hours dropped to nothing a week, and then they let him go. Saying poor performance. I don't understand this because I had found one of his evaluations on the floor in his room and he had all excellent and good reviews.

How do you help someone who keeps saying, I give up, and what is the sense in helping me, I'm only going to fail, I am useless etc....

 

[forgetmenot]

oh hun He is young and what this corporation did to him is wrong They are prejudice and if you had to you could bring charges if you still have the evaluations but that won't help your son really.
My girl has struggled with her illness like you son pulling away from everyone and everything I stood by her even when others said to walk away i stood by her and it is so important because they need to know that there will be someone always in their corner.

He sounds depressed and maybe hun medication would be the best option if he would take them I think talking to his doctor for sure letting him know the change in his personality in his affect see what doctor suggest.
He hugs you hun because he knows you care and you are worried he knows you will not give up on him even if he is giving up on himself.

Just listen to him ok get him talking about anything with my daughter it was art i kept introducing new colors new art supplies at first she did not touch them but then each day i would bring in something new and one day she started to use the art again
It is hard hun somehow you tap into what they do enjoy or use to enjoy and keep introducing it
I also introduce music she loves music can repeat any song back to you word for word kept putting it in front of her the things that use to bring her joy and eventually she grabbed onto them

What is it you son loves to do hun
what use to bring him joy music art walks sports whatever use to bring him laughter keep putting it forward to him

I know your pain hun your sadness they are not the same as mine but i feel for you
YOU need support a therapist for YOU to help you cope to give you options as well.
I eventually decided to get help so i could help my daughter and it is working hun

I don't know if i am helping much here but i just want to tell you to reach out ok for YOU get some help so you can help your son
Talk to any mental health services that are available get all the information you can. ok

For now if your son is depressed and turning inward that needs to be addresses be it with meds or therapy he needs help and it is difficult if he chooses not to get it but tell him you are concerned and you will go with him to start

Take care of YOU hun tell you son i hope he reaches out my girl is getting stronger and so can your son hun tell him that for me ok hugs to you both

 

[momof5]

Hi forgetmenot,
Sorry so long to write back to you.

He knows that I am here for him as I tell him when I try to talk to him. Most of the time he just wants nobody around him.

He did stop church. Though if my husband is out and might be back in time he says that he will go. Not sure if he is saying it because he wants to go, or because he knows that we would still have to eat dinner etc when his dad does get back.

He won't take his meds, or rather any meds. The only one that he has is the one for panic attacks. He went through a few of them when my dad passed, and I think that is because he doesn't process emotions. He is always saying that he feels hollow inside.

I'm glad that I have you to talk to because I don't have anyone else. Hubbie won't read up on this at all. I think that Joe has a bit more autistic tendencies then what is normal for aspergers syndrome.

He also loves music and art, and is really good at art. He hasn't really done too much with it. I think that he would be so good with computer art, but I just can't seem to get him to move in that direaction.

He has a job coach, so we are working on trying to get him a job. And as I am sure you are aware of, there aren't too many jobs out there that are asperger friendly.

 

[forgetmenot]

I am glad you are talking hun I wish there was a aspergers group you could attend so you could talk with other parents hun in the same situation. They could give you some ideas on how YOU could cope.
I am glad you son has a job coach as this alone gives him someone to talk to and maybe connect too.
Music and the arts even if you keep introducing something to him small even in this area he may just one day pick up on it again.

It took me a long time to get my girl back into trying again.
I would take her to art store and let her chose anything she wanted i even set up music lessons for her with violin

It was hard hun i do understand how helpless you feel but just kept introducing the topic everyday new colors new songs and hewill come around

My daughter does not have aspergers but she has some autistic attributes isolating hun god that broke my heart

Maybe get him interested in a course of computer arts hun just keep setting literature in is room where he sits so he can read up on it Just persistence
Let him know he will be ok tell him for me ok that my girl is going to college now and she is doing well some up and down days but she is surviving so can he tell him ok hugs to him and to you hun


Please hun remember to look after YOU ok don't get burn't out like i have done You reach out to whatever supports there are in your community to help you help your son ok
and to help YOU as well hugs

 

[MHealthJo]

Wow, I just wanted to say I am so happy Forgetmenot for the strength and persistence and resourcefulness you've had, that has paid off so much for your daughter. So proud of you and thanks so much for these hopeful thoughts for Momof5.

Momof5, I have a friend with Aspergers, who is now in his thirties. For the sufferer with these conditions and their family it is certainly a life full of ups and downs, and such thorny longer-term challenges. It requires so much patience and resilience of a family member. You have been so resilient to keep coping with this.

I must say my friend has gone through very difficult phases, lasting a long time, and then come out the other side into better times. It is certainly so difficult to stand by and watch and wait, when someone feels so very deactivated and hopeless. I cannot pretend to know how to help the person to get to the other side of that. But as Forgetmenot says, sometimes that is where groups or support for family can come in even if the person themself is not currently interested.... just to be a possible source of that bit extra strength to keep going and possibly find new ideas and perspectives.

It is strange how much more creative and resilient the mind can be when we get support that we need and when we feel a little stronger.

Wishing strength to you. xx