So, I never do anything for New Year's Eve, but this year I decided to MAKE myself be social. I have very few friends to choose from, and only one asked me if I'd like to hang out with him and some people I used to work with. I didn't want to at first, but I thought hey, at least I know these people. As I'm getting ready, my mother starts freaking out. It's very hard for me to explain, but she made me feel so awful. She was making very cruel comments, and then starts criticizing the few friends I have. I was shaking a little because of her as I was trying to fix my hair, and put on some makeup. All the while, I'm anxious about going out where people might be drinking, etc. I called my friend, and left a message that I was on my way, trying to get out of the house as fast as I could. When I get to his house, he tells me that the group cancelled, so we are going to go to his family's house instead. I thought, "Oh great, I don't know any of these people, and I'm going to be so out of place." And I was. My friend is hispanic, I'm white. For such a shy person who is terrified of standing out, this was not a comfortable situation for me. Also, whenever people are speaking in a language I can't understand, I always feel like they are talking about me. Even if they are not actually speaking, I'm sensitive enough to pick up on what people are thinking/feeling. And then of course, someone has to comment on how flushed I am which happens when I'm upset, nervous, or tired. And THEN, everyone will turn to look at me, and that makes it even worse.
Anyway, after that, he wanted to stop and say hello to his friend who I know too. While we're there, I volunteer to deal cards for a game just so I have something to do instead of looking uncomfortable. Our friend snaps a picture of us, and jokes, "Oh, man, I caught a white person in the shot....it's a ghost!" They were also calling me Snow White for some reason. Normally, I wouldn't care, but my mood had been crushed by my mother earlier, and I had just spent a few hours sitting with a bunch of people I don't know. On top of it, I ended up being a chauffer driving on slippery streets, and unfortunately with some drunk drivers. As we get in the car (I'm so ready to drive him home) he asks me if I could do him a favor. He asks if I could pick up his friend at another house and drive her home too. It bugs me a little because this friend is his ex-girlfriend, but he wasn't planning on telling me that. I figured it out, and told him, hey, you can tell me who it is, I don't care. I've known this guy for 2 years, and he's always telling me how much he likes me. I was trying to give him a chance to be more than just friends because I do like him, but I don't think it will happen now.
Anyway, I know this story is way too long, but I don't understand why I can never be where I really want to be, with who I really want to be with. It always seem to feel like I have to take what I can get. Settle, I suppose. And, now I feel like I try to be social, and open to new experiences, but what I get is not what I want. Does anyone else experience this? Does anyone know how to be in the right place at the right time with the right people? Or am I expecting too much? Maybe, I just took in too much tonight, I don't know.
Anyway, after that, he wanted to stop and say hello to his friend who I know too. While we're there, I volunteer to deal cards for a game just so I have something to do instead of looking uncomfortable. Our friend snaps a picture of us, and jokes, "Oh, man, I caught a white person in the shot....it's a ghost!" They were also calling me Snow White for some reason. Normally, I wouldn't care, but my mood had been crushed by my mother earlier, and I had just spent a few hours sitting with a bunch of people I don't know. On top of it, I ended up being a chauffer driving on slippery streets, and unfortunately with some drunk drivers. As we get in the car (I'm so ready to drive him home) he asks me if I could do him a favor. He asks if I could pick up his friend at another house and drive her home too. It bugs me a little because this friend is his ex-girlfriend, but he wasn't planning on telling me that. I figured it out, and told him, hey, you can tell me who it is, I don't care. I've known this guy for 2 years, and he's always telling me how much he likes me. I was trying to give him a chance to be more than just friends because I do like him, but I don't think it will happen now.
Anyway, I know this story is way too long, but I don't understand why I can never be where I really want to be, with who I really want to be with. It always seem to feel like I have to take what I can get. Settle, I suppose. And, now I feel like I try to be social, and open to new experiences, but what I get is not what I want. Does anyone else experience this? Does anyone know how to be in the right place at the right time with the right people? Or am I expecting too much? Maybe, I just took in too much tonight, I don't know.
