New here and need someone who can understand/listen

[Addlepate Girl]

I'm really not sure where I should start. There's just so much and I've never put it into words. So it could get long and hopefully not too confusing. I really just need someone to talk to and get suggestions from. It just can't all stay and exist in my head anymore. *takes deep breath*

I guess I should start with my dad. My dad is paranoid schizophrenic (and in all likelihood bi-polar). He's never got him self treated and has always denied that anything was/is wrong. He thinks that all of psychology is "quackery" not really anything but BS made up for the weak of mind. He is has a tendency towards violence and was abusive to us kids when we were small and my mom, both physically and mentally. He never left marks on us kids but I remember plenty of times when he would get angry and beat up on my mom he did leave bruises on her. As a result of the paranoid schizophrenia my dad also believed people were out to get him or he was being poisoned, or stalked. That lead us to a life of basically being nomads. We moved more times then I can count. As a kid I believed that his perception was reality, besides if it were questioned we were "in on it".

The older I got the more I realized that something was wrong. I couldn't bring friends over because they would eventually become the enemy. And since I was a girl I wasn't allowed to go anywhere (his younger sister got into a little trouble as a teen so he assumed all girls needed to be kept on a short leash) It got even worse when puberty started. When I started my period I was drilled about having had letting a boy mess with me, it took the better part of the night to convince him that I hadn't done anything wrong. Once there was a boy unlucky enough to ask my dad if he could go out with me and we had to move because he was (suppose to be) stalking and making threats toward my dad. My dad had even said many times how he would kill the kid. This was a place I could have called home had we been there long enough, my band teacher was already talking college scholarships in 8th. grade. In the end I felt like leaving was my fault we left.

To make a story that could get impossibly long shorter I now, as an adult and with a husband and kids, am dealing with anxiety and social issues. I don't have friends and and totally inept at making them. If I do make a friend I feel so awkward that I often get panicky. I don't know how to (and in some cases am unable to) express much emotion because growing up it could get me in trouble. which is a problem because people expect it sometimes. I worry about my own sanity sometimes. I don't know what behaviors are things I learned from growing up and which ones I should be worried about.

Thanks for listening. Any support or advice would be helpful.

 

[Atlantean]

For different reasons, I never had friendships in school either. I have found that this manifested hand-in-hand with general/social anxiety disorder as I got older, and even just a few days ago when we went to my boyfriends daughters boyfriends birthday party, I was nervous though I ended up handling the situation quite well and had a great time on top of it all.

I know our situation are different, but if your anxiety is deeply disturbing you or interfering with your day to day life or intimate issues, I would seek out a good therapist or counselor as well as a psychiatrist or C.N.P. who can perhaps start you on a medication regiment that may be helpful to you (If you are interested in going that route).

The bottom ine is you arent alone, and you will find many good listeners here. Welcome to the forum.

 

[Retired]

Hello AG, and thank you for visiting Psychlinks. You are in a safe environment here, and we hope you will find information and insights that might help.

Sorry to hear about the difficult childhood you experienced which has obviously taken a toll on you.

Have you ever received any counseling or been in therapy, or consulted any mental health professional?

Feel free to explore the resources of Psychlinks, and join in any ongoing discussion or start some of your own.

:welcome2:

 

[Jazzey]

Definitely welcome to psychlinks AG.

I was going to ask you some of the same questions TSOW has already asked you - as to whether or not you've ever sought counseling or therapy of any kind?

 

[white page]

Hi Addlepate Girl ,
First welcome to Psych links , I am so glad you found us .
Your story particularly moved me and I am very sorry that you had to experience such a distressing childhood , my mom is also a paranoid schizophrenic , my experience is very close to yours apart from the moving around , the rest is the same, as are the concerns you feel for your own mental health .

I worry about my own sanity sometimes. I don't know what behaviors are things I learned from growing up and which ones I should be worried about.

You are very sane quite simply because you are conscious that you have issues in certain areas .
I shall be very practical now , and suggest that you consider therapy , in order to understand and disentangle the inappropriate and parasitic messages you recieved from your parent in childhood , I had exactly the same concerns as you and thought that I was very odd as I found great difficulty in the outside world, it was as if I didn't know the rules and didn't know how to be socially , I still have difficulty at times , but it is now reassuring to know that it is not me but the background climate I grew up in and that I can be myself without any abuse or manifestations of rage .

It is possible to heal from such a difficult start in life , you have been successful in forming a couple and founding a family , this in itself is so positive for you , you are also aware that there is a difficulty for you emotionally , as far as trust and friendship is concerned , this again is very positive , you already have the foundation for healing ,and with therapy it is possible to rewrite your script .

my very best wishes wp

 

[Addlepate Girl]

I've never had any kind of thearpy or counsuling. I've thought about it (more and more as of late) but I won't be able to pay for it.

 

[NicNak]

:hithere: Addlepate Girl :welcome: to Psychlinks.

I will assure you as well, you are indeed safe here.

Glad you joined us

 

[Atlantean]

I've never had any kind of thearpy or counsuling. I've thought about it (more and more as of late) but I won't be able to pay for it.

AG, there are many resources available to you in most areas, even in smaller communities. You could call your local hospital and ask to speak to the psychiatric unit and ask them who the local community mental health outreach center is there locally. They should be able to point you in the right direction, but if all else fails you can go through the local ER and they will help you start to develop a mental health care network.

Many if not most of these places have sliding scale fee rates, for an example before I got on my disability I was paying $6 for an hour consultation with a counselor I positively adored.

There are always options, sometimes you just have to do a little digging, but i hope I have pointed you in a helpful direction.

 

[forgetmenot]

Welcome to the forum AG I am sure you will get all the support you need and advice on how to get help. mary

 

[ladylore]

Welcome

 

[Budoaiki]

Welcome Addlepate Girl

---------- Post added later and automatically merged ----------

I also grew up with a schizophrenic parent, my mother.

As a result of that and other things, from a very young age I adapted my behavior to protect myself while growing up in a very harsh environment. Those behaviors became a pattern, as I got older and started to understand just how different my childhood was from others I started to worry how I might be judged by other people.

I would often keep people at a distance and shy away from socializing because of those fears. I thought I was protecting myself and others from the knowing the pain that I carry which caused me to miss out on a lot.

I have been in therapy for a while now and I am working on changing my concept of trust, understanding my past and in doing so I have gained a better understanding of myself. The reasons I developed those patterns are a result of the traumas I endured and by understanding that and how they effect me I change.

It's not easy to afford therapy but as others have said there are free sessions available at your local hospital. I also found a great deal of support, understanding and strength from attending schizophrenic society meetings. There are people there who grew up with family members with schizophrenia and even some who are living productive lives who actually have the disorder. I would definitely recommend checking to see if there is one in your area I was pleasantly surprised by how much they taught me.

 

[SoSo]

Welcome AG, glad you found this group and hope something will work out so you can get into therapy.
SoSo

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You might also contact your local NAMI chapter at NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness and see what services they have to offer or suggest.

 

[texasgirl]

Wecome to Psychlinks, AG! I think that you are incredibly brave to have written so eloquently about your life. People here are very supportive - we are glad you joined.

TG :wave:

 

[HBas]

:welcome2:

I agree with White Pages ... "You are very sane quite simply because you are conscious that you have issues in certain areas."

Welcome to a wonderful Forum!

HB

 

[Meg]

Welcome to Psychlinks