Hello everyone -
I just found you all via a Google search on "adult daughters of narcissistic mothers." I honestly don't know if my mom is really an "N" or suffers from BPD, or what, but I look forward to gleaning some wisdom and support as I hope to offer someone here the same.
A brief bio: I'm the only daughter and have one younger brother, who is the golden boy. My mom is controlling and can be manipulative but under the guise of Southern charm. As she has aged (now early 70s), I see the veneer cracking. I grew up hearing that, while I didn't have the ability to really do much other than get married, I should "be the apple at the top of the tree - the one all the boys want but none can have." Her only expectations of me growing up were to be well-mannered, charming and attractive.
She questioned every decision I ever made, making me feel like I didn't know my own self. She ran the show, and my enabling dad lived on the golf course. If I were in a sad mood, she'd hen-peck me with, "Are you depressed?" questions 24/7. Then she'd say that so many people she knew needed "some good counseling," - except for her, of course. I wasn't allowed to show any emotion other than happiness. She constantly pelted me with, "You just don't love your mother," or "You just act like you don't like me anymore."
I wasn't allowed to lock my bedroom door, and once she snooped around for my journal, read it, and then had my father beat me for writing my negative feelings about her in the journal. She kept photos of my old boyfriend on the "family photo wall" for 25 years after I'd married my husband and had to be stiff-armed by both my husband and me to remove it. I grew up hearing from my dad, "WHATEVER you do, don't make her mad! And don't EVER tell her she's wrong!!!" She would offer to let me wear an item of her clothing but then get angry when I'd actually take her up on the offer. She constantly updated me on any gossip regarding my old boyfriends, and I never asked for the info.
And with each of my pregnancies, she would say, "WHAT??? Now how in the world are you going to handle this?" or, "Well, if YOU'RE happy, then I'm happy." (My husband and I planned all our pregnancies and have beautiful children). The long-and-the-short of this is that she raised me to feel incompetent, compared me unfavorably to her friends' daughters, never once told me she was proud of me, or that I looked nice - could not support me when I stepped up to the helm of a large ministry but actively criticized me, even to the women over me in that ministry.
I finally wrote my mom a long letter telling her that she had hurt me so much over the years, and I even shared the ways she hurt me, and I told her I wanted an authentic ADULT relationship with her and asked for her cooperation. I assured her that I loved her. She wrote back TWO WEEKS later, saying that she'd not had time to respond because she was busy hosting bridge club at her house. Then she shot me to bits in the letter. She claimed to not recall most of what I'd accused her of. Then she turned the tables on me and called me an unforgiving grudge-holder. But she has been like an ICE QUEEN ever since she read my letter - nearly a year ago - and has stopped phoning me or asking any questions about me when we do chat. Now who's grudge-holding????
mg:
I need help and support. I despise her, and I feel guilty. Last Thanksgiving here in my home, she told my young son that he had a fat stomach. My husband confronted her later that evening, and she apologized to our son only after he demanded that she apologize. She'll be here again for Thanksgiving, and I dread it.
How do I move on? How do I not feel guilty, like I'm somehow a lousy daughter?
Thank you all so much.
I just found you all via a Google search on "adult daughters of narcissistic mothers." I honestly don't know if my mom is really an "N" or suffers from BPD, or what, but I look forward to gleaning some wisdom and support as I hope to offer someone here the same.
A brief bio: I'm the only daughter and have one younger brother, who is the golden boy. My mom is controlling and can be manipulative but under the guise of Southern charm. As she has aged (now early 70s), I see the veneer cracking. I grew up hearing that, while I didn't have the ability to really do much other than get married, I should "be the apple at the top of the tree - the one all the boys want but none can have." Her only expectations of me growing up were to be well-mannered, charming and attractive.
She questioned every decision I ever made, making me feel like I didn't know my own self. She ran the show, and my enabling dad lived on the golf course. If I were in a sad mood, she'd hen-peck me with, "Are you depressed?" questions 24/7. Then she'd say that so many people she knew needed "some good counseling," - except for her, of course. I wasn't allowed to show any emotion other than happiness. She constantly pelted me with, "You just don't love your mother," or "You just act like you don't like me anymore."
I wasn't allowed to lock my bedroom door, and once she snooped around for my journal, read it, and then had my father beat me for writing my negative feelings about her in the journal. She kept photos of my old boyfriend on the "family photo wall" for 25 years after I'd married my husband and had to be stiff-armed by both my husband and me to remove it. I grew up hearing from my dad, "WHATEVER you do, don't make her mad! And don't EVER tell her she's wrong!!!" She would offer to let me wear an item of her clothing but then get angry when I'd actually take her up on the offer. She constantly updated me on any gossip regarding my old boyfriends, and I never asked for the info.
And with each of my pregnancies, she would say, "WHAT??? Now how in the world are you going to handle this?" or, "Well, if YOU'RE happy, then I'm happy." (My husband and I planned all our pregnancies and have beautiful children). The long-and-the-short of this is that she raised me to feel incompetent, compared me unfavorably to her friends' daughters, never once told me she was proud of me, or that I looked nice - could not support me when I stepped up to the helm of a large ministry but actively criticized me, even to the women over me in that ministry.
I finally wrote my mom a long letter telling her that she had hurt me so much over the years, and I even shared the ways she hurt me, and I told her I wanted an authentic ADULT relationship with her and asked for her cooperation. I assured her that I loved her. She wrote back TWO WEEKS later, saying that she'd not had time to respond because she was busy hosting bridge club at her house. Then she shot me to bits in the letter. She claimed to not recall most of what I'd accused her of. Then she turned the tables on me and called me an unforgiving grudge-holder. But she has been like an ICE QUEEN ever since she read my letter - nearly a year ago - and has stopped phoning me or asking any questions about me when we do chat. Now who's grudge-holding????
mg: I need help and support. I despise her, and I feel guilty. Last Thanksgiving here in my home, she told my young son that he had a fat stomach. My husband confronted her later that evening, and she apologized to our son only after he demanded that she apologize. She'll be here again for Thanksgiving, and I dread it.
How do I move on? How do I not feel guilty, like I'm somehow a lousy daughter?
Thank you all so much.
