New therapist

[Banned]

I met with a new therapist today to see if we'd be a good match to work together.

The first thing I saw when I entered her office was TURTLES everywhere!!! I wondered if it was fate, lol. We are both turtle fanatics.

It went pretty good. She has experience working with bipolar. I asked her if it was possible I'm just a moody bitch instead. She said no...I definitely sound bipolar. Oh well, it was worth a try.

We're going to meet again in a couple weeks. I told her that quite frankly I'm not really sure what I need from therapy, or if I need therapy at all. I gave her the run-down on my life over the past 12 months, which has been nothing short of a disaster. I feel like my life fell apart last year on July 4 and it's never recovered or been brought back together.

Anyway, I'll give her a chance...see how it goes. I told her about bipolar and ocd...I left out borderline...it's probably safer that way, at least for now.

 

[Banned]

Since I got home today I've had lots of thoughts going through my mind. I'm really not sure if I want to go down this road again. What if I end up getting burnt? What if it's a disaster again? I'm notorious for having disasterous relationships all through my life...I just leave a trail of destruction behind me.

My thoughts are starting to get skewed too...I'm starting to have thoughts of suicide, and thinking that I'd rather be dead than have to deal with this. I just don't feel like I'm up for the challenge...I don't want to get hurt again, and I just feel like I'm so broken that not only am I not fixable, but I'm not worth fixing.

It just sucks.

 

[kelsischanging]

Turtle,
I'm not an expert so take what I have to say with a grain of salt. I would suggest that you stick with this new therapist for at least a few more meetings. It's hard to judge how a theraputic relationship will develope in just one meeting.

I think some of the reasons starting with a new therapist is scary is because there is the fear that maybe this person can't help me or sometimes an even bigger fear is maybe they can help. Even a positive change can be a scary change.

Stick with it at least a little while longer. You can do it!! You have the power to change your life (with a little help that is
Good luck!

 

[Banned]

Thanks, kelseym. I'm still really grieving the loss of my last therapist. In a perfect world I'd go back in time and have him, but that's not going to happen. I just don't want to hurt like this down the road again.

I felt retarded today, saying "I'm not sure why I'm here...but other people think I need to be." Going to therapy for other people is not going to help me...I wish I could go back to "running"...but I know better, so it's hard.

I'm just really feeling down right now, and the dark thoughts are setting in...I need to find a way to deal with them...I just don't know anymore. My life is like a loop...almost completely predictable in how I'm going to cycle. With every passing day I'm more and more convinced that I'm doomed...I may as well end it...it's hard. I need to snap out of it...I need to find something else to do. I just hate being triggered watching my favourite TV Shows - Law & Order SVU, Untold Stories of the ER, Crossing Jordan...of course the solution is to not watch them, but...a part of me wants to be able to conquer my triggers...some days I'm successful...some I'm not. I have a feeling that today I won't.

 

[kelsischanging]

Turtle,
I can understand that you are still grieving the loss of your last therapist. You're right about how going to therapy for other people is not helpful but sometimes what we start for other people becomes something we continue for ourself.

Please hold on...I know how difficult the cycle that is bipolar disorder can be, but you are totally worth holding on through all your triggers and difficulties! Hold on, Turtle! We are here for you!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not really sure what I need from therapy, or if I need therapy at all.

I'm starting to have thoughts of suicide, and thinking that I'd rather be dead than have to deal with this.

I'm just really feeling down right now, and the dark thoughts are setting in...I need to find a way to deal with them...I just don't know anymore. My life is like a loop...almost completely predictable in how I'm going to cycle.

Are you still questionming whether you need to be in therapy?

 

[Banned]

I'm assuming that's a rhetorical question.

I did mention how when things are good I forget about what I'm like when they're not, and vice versa.

I just don't know anymore, David. I'm so lost and confused.

 

[Always Changing]

Hi Turtle,
I am guessing here that what you are experiencing is the aftermath of meeting a new therapist for the first time.. fear and anxiety are (imho) what is driving your current mood. I know when I first met with my therapist I was riddled with anxiety and afterward I did exactly as you are doing.. Questioning it all and if going was really going to do me any good etc etc . That first meeting raised so many thoughts and feelings in me that I wasn't even aware were there until I got home. What I found helped me some was breaking it down into single sentences or thoughts and trying to answer some of my own questions.. (I had no one else to ask had I!) The next apointment was a little easier and we spent some time talking about how I felt after the first one.. we still do that actually.

I hope you will give your new therapist a chance and not only that but give yourself a chance to help you.

 

[Banned]

Are you still questionming whether you need to be in therapy?

I feel like, even when I get "like this", there's nothing to talk about. I've been down the road before, I know it'll pass, I know it's a product of bipolar...what's to talk about?

I just feel like I'm constantly at a complete loss for words. I mean, I've been in therapy for what...five years now? Six? I don't know that there's anything I haven't heard...that's why I struggle with going...for me, it's all about "been there, done that, got the t-shirt". Even when I'm suicidal...what haven't I heard? What's to talk about?

 

[Daniel E.]

What's to talk about?

You can always talk about medication compliance until it's no longer an issue.

 

[Banned]

I did mention to her today that I have trouble sticking with meds...but there's not much more to say about it.

I'm not a talkative person by nature, and when you're paying $170/hr, it's probably good to have something to talk about.

I don't know...we'll see...this might be a short venture...time will tell.

 

[Into The Light]

if you're not talkative, maybe you can draw instead?

 

[Banned]

I do like both writing and drawing...and did alot of both with my previous therapist. I think that's part of the reason I'm enjoying doing these papers so much for school too...I just love to write. I'm not saying I'm actually good at it, but I don't have to be good at it to enjoy it .