Not so comfortable with what the future may look like

[Banned]

I've been reading quite a bit on bipolar, and the more I read, the more scared I get. I get scared about the future, reading about how symptoms get worse as you get older, and the body doesn't respond as well to medication....is this true?

I'm scared I'm not going to make it. Most days I want to, but occassionally, I decide it's too much work with too little payoff. I feel really discouraged right now and scared about what the future looks like for someone who has bipolar.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I just don't knowmuch about bipolar. I like to read stuff too, but sometimes it can be overwhelming and depressing. Maybe you could try to just focus on one day at a time. (I need to do that too). It's good to see you.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I've been reading quite a bit on bipolar, and the more I read, the more scared I get. I get scared about the future, reading about how symptoms get worse as you get older, and the body doesn't respond as well to medication....is this true?

Not that I'm aware of. Where are you reading this? On the net?

 

[Daniel E.]

reading about how symptoms get worse as you get older

I think the opposite would be true.

For example:

http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx?id=482

 

[Banned]

Not that I'm aware of. Where are you reading this? On the net?

I read An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison and Clickety Clack - My Bipolar Express by Joy McDiarmid.

They are both first hand accounts of living with bipolar, what they've experienced, how it affected them, etc. I was looking for hope, but felt completely the opposite by the time I was done.

 

[Daniel E.]

But I don't know of any memoir

on bipolar disorder where the author's condition gets worse over time or even stays the same. And my impression was that you did like the book Beyond Blue, though maybe for different reasons.

Another book I liked (eventually) was Tom Wootton's book The Bipolar Advantage.

 

[Banned]

Kay Redfield Jamison speaks of it numerous times - I'll try and dig back through the book to find some quotes. She has a PhD in Psychology and her research is completely about mood disorders. And, she's married to a psychiatrist.

I only got to bed at 5am so I'm pretty much a zombie right now, but I'll go back and dig out the quotes from the book and and post them later...and I'll check out that book you posted. Why do you say you liked it 'eventually', Daniel?

 

[Daniel E.]

And, she's married to a psychiatrist.

As stated in the article I posted, her husband later died. You may want to read the article (again). I found it hopeful.

Why do you say you liked it 'eventually', Daniel?

He goes against the status quo, so it wasn't until I started listening to his talks that I realized he wasn't romanticizing symptoms.

 

[Banned]

That was a good article (I just read it now).

She mentioned in her book that her husband had been diagnosed with cancer; I hadn't realized he passed away so long ago.

One thing I'm trying to figure out for myself is how to exist outside of "death" mode...it's all I can think about...and it's been like that for years, but it seems to be getting worse, not better. It's frightful. Really, really frightful.

 

[Daniel E.]

My suicidal thinking has gotten less intense and less frequent over the years. But when it comes back to a significant degree, it can seem as it if never left.

One of the best things I have gotten out of this forum is realizing that other people have suicidal thoughts as frequently as I do. So, for me, normalization helps, as can treating suicidal thoughts as obsessive thoughts or seeing them as a habitual strategy of avoidance (rather than as something showing a poor prognosis).

And part of the reason I was initially attracted to DBT self-help was because suicidal thinking is expected and therefore normalized. (DBT was originally targeted towards highly suicidal patients.)

Also:
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/suicide/22796-habitual-suicidal-thinking.html

 

[Banned]

I saw my therapist today, and am feeling a bit better. We talked about how the only card I have in my back pocket to "cope" with anything is the suicide card, and it's getting old. She said she's not going to take that away, because I don't have anything else, but we need to create more "cards"...find other things I can do to cope. Things like go for a walk, teach the dog a trick, etc.

She's not a CBT therapist, but she's very practical, which I really like. She found a lot of positives in how I've been coping so far, which I hadn't seen.

I told her that I've spent the majority of my life not even wanting to be alive and just wanting out, but I thinkI came to the conclusion yesterday that I want to live, but not like this. It's getting tired, old, exhausting, and it's not working for me. I also told her I'm a very black-and-white thinker; for me, there is no grey. So...so far it's been either suicide or not. Obviously I've chosen not, but I'm just going in circles, doing the same thing every time. I'm not growing...

So...it seems like the focus of what we're going to do for now is find other things I can do to take my thoughts off of suicide when I crash, or just find my mind going there. It's a start, and I have to start somewhere. It's also beats all the weird "where do you feel that in your body" and "hug yourself and you'll feel better" crap. It's practical. I can do something with it.

And I like that she gets that unless you have bipolar, you can't even begin to pretend you know what it feels like. She acknowledged that right off the bat. She hasn't experienced what I have and do every day, but she might be able to help me none-the-less.

 

[Always Changing]

Sounds like you had a very good apt. Glad you were able to talk about your suicidal thinking, its hard to talk about and it will take a bit of work to learn to recognise when you are going down that path and how to either steer clear of it or change the direction you are going, You can do it with her help and ours here too of course. :hug:

 

[Banned]

Thanks AC. I did feel significantly better and slightly more hopeful when I left. I think she'll work out pretty good in the long run. I did warn her I'm "quite the project" though :lol:. I have so many issues but I guess you may as well go big or go home . One day at a time though, right?

 

[Always Changing]

Exactly! One day at the time.

It is good that you felt more hopeful when you left, it gives you something to hold onto. :hug: