Not sure if I did the right thing, and I am having a bit of a panic attack

[Auburn]

Can things not for once, be better at this time of year?? Seriously. I don't know if I have done the right thing and I am really freakin out about it.

Our kids do not know the details of their Papa's death. They do not know he took his own life.

Tonight, my eldest came to me and told me she needed to ask me something but wasn't sure how. I asked her why she wasn't sure and she told me that she was certain it was something I didn't want her to know. And then she came right out and asked me if he had done this to himself. She has hinted in the past, but I was always able to lie. We didn't want the memory of her Papa spoiled or tainted in any way. The man that did this to himself was not the same man.

I couldn't lie, I just couldn't look her in the eye and lie to her. So, I confirmed her thoughts. I asked her why she asked me that, and she told me that quite a long time ago, she found a letter on the computer, and in it was mentioned about Papa doing this. The only thing I can think of is the one I wrote to Dave's insurance company, but I had deleted everything afterward.

I feel so bad, and now I am worried that she will somehow not feel the same.

And I know Dave is going to be so upset about her knowing. Our kids meant everything to Dave's dad, and especially our oldest.

I apologized for lying to her in the past, but this child looked at me and let me know she understands the difference between someone lying to hurt her and someone lying so that she doesn't get hurt!!!!

I don't know what to do or say, I am worried and starting to panic a bit. i didn't tell Dave before he went to work, cause I knew it would upset him very much. I will have to find a way to tell her tomorrow.

Have I done the wrong thing?? Gawd, someone let me know if there is anything else I can do. I want to make sure she knows it was the bi-polar, and not really her Papa. Is there something else I should do?? Should I have lied to her?? I just don't know

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't think you had any choice, really.

One of your children asked you a direct question. How could you answer with a lie? Especially since she saw the letter and thus clearly pretty much knew the truth already.

 

[HA]

Auburn, how difficult this must have been for you. But, you know what....she would have to know at some point because you could not hide it from her forever. The fact that she asked means the time had come. I would have done the same as you.

Here is a booklet titled When a Parent Dies by Suicide: what kids want to know Although not exactly the same situation this may give you some information to continue the dialogue at some point or to answer further questions.

Scroll to the bottom of the page and see the series of booklets about depression, bipolar etc done in the same format of What Kids Want to Know. They may be able to help you explain the condition that caused your father-in-laws death.

Se also links to sort through about talking to children about suicide from Google here

:hug:

 

[Auburn]

Thank you both. It killed me to lie to her before. She and I have such a special relationship. I was always afraid that by lying her, if and when she found out that she would be so angry with me. I never want to lose her trust. I have never lied to her before when asked a direct question. But last night, after she and I talked I had such a friggen attack, I started to second guess myself. She and her Papa were sooo close. We wanted that to remain for her. It near about broke my heart when she told me she understood why we hadn't told her the truth.
I am sorry to have just went off like I did. Now, I am not looking forward to today when Dave gets home. This is going to rock him to his core, much like it did me. I was so exhausted after she and I talked. But, it was almsot like a relief as well. We have to hide so much when this month arrives, and that is so hard. Maybe this will help a bit. SHe has no clue what he did to himself and I told her I could not tell her, and that is was not a detail that she needed to know. But, she does know that Dave and I were there when it happened.
Thank you again. For everything.

 

[Halo]

Auburn,

I too think that you really didn't have much choice in whether to tell her the truth or not. She asked you a direct question for which she pretty much already knew the answer. I do think that you made the right decision in not needing to reveal actual details to her...that in my opinion would have been way to traumatic for a child to hear.

I hope that now that she knows, it may be easier for you and Dave to express some of your feelings around this time of year. Good luck with talking to Dave and remember we are here for you to support you anytime.

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[Auburn]

Today is just not a good day. I did tell Dave this morning, and I was worried that in some way, he might be upset with me. I know how silly that sounds, but it was how I was feeling. But, of course he wasn't. He agreed that I had no other recourse. But now, that day is so close to the surface. I keep getting flashes, not full on flashbacks, but just moments. And I am so tired. I know I slept last night, but the nightmares kept waking me up. Fitful sleep I guess. And today it is just hammering me. I have to go to work, and just leaving the house is making me a bit anxious. I know I will have to get through it, but that makes the anxiety worse.
I am also wondering how my girl is absorbing the news. Is she ok?? Is she angry?? With me, with her Papa. It is all so much.
Thank you all, I know I say that alot, but it is all I can say. Just know how very much I mean those words.

 

[Laurie1407]

My heart goes out to you and your family.

:grouphug:

 

[Auburn]

I am at work and I am struggling. I know I will cry the minute someone asks me what is wrong. I know they all care, but I don't want to end up in tears. And the flashes are coming too often. It is hard to shake them off. My co-workers are great people, but they are used to me a particular way, and it is hard when I am not myself.
I just needed to type for a bit.

 

[Halo]

Venting on here is a great way to let some of the feelings and thoughts out that you are unable to do while at work. I have also been taught to yell the word "STOP" over and over which seems to help with keeping the overwhelming feelings and tears from coming up. I often have to actually picture a stop sign in order for it to work. Another thing I find helps is to get out and get fresh air if possible, sometimes that helps with clearing the head and being able to pull yourself together at least temporarily until you can get home.

I know it is hard when being at work and all you want to do is breakdown and cry but you are a strong person who can make it through. I am sure of it. Try telling yourself "Not now...I can't feel this now, maybe later....STOP.

I hope something like this works as all I have is what has worked for me in the past.

Take care...keep venting here too if you need it...we are here to listen.
:hug: :hug:

 

[Into The Light]

auburn, you did what you had to today and i agree also that telling her the truth was the right thing to do. i think if you had lied to her at this point she might have lost trust in you because she knew the answer. you've preserved her trust in you.

you are wondering how she's doing and if she's ok. i think it might help to talk to her about her feelings, and to stay connected with her about this. i also think the links heartart gave contain a lot of valuable information.

many hugs. :hug: :hug:

 

[HA]

Type away, Auburn, if it helps you. I have been in a position at work where I would have to go to the bathroom to cry because I could not hold it in. I often thought there should be a cry room...sound proof with a cot to lay on. On days when it was so bad I could not concentrate....I just went home (and cried on the way).

:heart: :hug: :heart:

 

[Auburn]

I made it though the day, but it was awful. I let my Manager know what was going on, I felt it was only fair to give her a heads up. Talking about this has just brought it to a nasty nearness, and I am not coping as well as I had hoped. I did talk to Katie tonite, and she is worried about her Dad and I. She told me that it doesn't change her feelings for her Papa, that he is and will always be her special man. They were so close and I was very afraid I might have destroyed that for her. She understands about the flashbacks, and I told her I will be fine, but that for right now, it has brought the day back and that I am not doing great. Ok, but not great. She and her Dad talked earlier today too, and he made sure she understood that it is a constant battle and that there are times, he doesn't do as well, but that there are good days too. I hate that she has to see me this weak. And I found that I started to get angry again. I really don't want that, but it just seems to come. Logically, I know it wasn't Dad, but at the same time, when I am in the grip of this damn thing, it makes me feel so weak and small, and then angry. I so want it over. My girl is so special she is such an amazing young woman. I want to just "be fine" for her. I am hoping that her knowing will somehow, help with the healing.
I have a funny feeling I will be in often each day. I am checking out the links you have given me, and my girl and I are going to go through them.
I am exhausted, but had to type for awhile. Thank you all.

 

[Laurie1407]

Glad you made it through your day,:hugne day at at time.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I hate that she has to see me this weak.

She's not seeing you weak. She seeing you human. And the message that gives her is it's okay to be human, to feel things, to be sad when you feel sad, to express what you feel.

 

[Auburn]

Thanks David. I know that we are doing well, and that we are not weak, but I think it is when we are in the midst of a "crisis" or a meltdown as I like to call it. Nothing seems logical in that moment. My heart hurts, just knowing that my daughter now shares this with us. I know I have rambled the past few days but, I do still find that typing helps with the anxiety. I am so grateful for you all.