Not sure what to make of this

[twinturbo]

I want to understand this situation. Here it goes:

I've been chatting with this woman online and the phone for about 7months now.

Heres a little bit of backround on her: shes 35, 3 kids, common law husband who she doesn't even share a bed with, but is faithful and has never been with anyone else or even thinks about it according to her (but I've got her thinking a little differently).

Backround on me: Im 24 single never married, no girl friend still in University.

Okay now what happend a few months back was her husband caught her talking to me on the computer. So then he took her computer privileges away from her. Then we started talking on the phone, and once a month on the computer when he would go out of town on business. Then after a couple months of this she would log on after he would go to sleep (most of our conversations were always around 11pm till 4am in the first place) after a couple weeks she got caught again and he now takes the modem and hides it and only brings it out when the kids need to use the net.

What the both of us can't figure out is why do we keep on talking to each other and why we like it. She tells me that she doesn't ever want to stop talking to me. She told me she had got togather with her common law when she was 15 and he was 19, and a few years down the road they had a kid. She said life came at them so fast that they didnt take time out to see if they actually liked each other. I told her I think she is talking to me because she wants to talk to someother guy (other then her husband) because maybe she wants to get a little crazy, but she is scared that something might turn physical.

Since we live 1500 miles away from each other there is no chance of this happening. I know some people will say its wrong of me to be talking to this woman, but she assured me that I didnt cause any trouble, and that she has not "liked" her common law for a while now.

Also when I started talking with this woman I didn't have any intentions to get involved with her as much as I have with such emotions. She told me she tells me things that she has never told anyone else, and the same goes for me.

I feel guilty and sad after I talk to her because I know nothing can come of this but i keep doing it anyways.

I dont know if she "in love with me" or if she is using me as an emotional crutch. She said she not using me as a crutch though because has others to talk to such as sisters and friends etc etc.

What can I make out of this situation?

thanks

 

[Retired]

Re: Not sure what to make of this.

A couple of things come to mind:

1) a casual flirtation has turned into an online affair, and the mystery of the distance and anonymity has heightened the attraction.

2) Since the affair is going on under the husband's nose, behind his back (if that's possible) the intrigue and chance of getting caught heightens the thrill.

3) the last possibility is one you will probably reject, although it must not be ruled out. Could this be a scam? Has the woman (assuming you are indeed communication with the woman that you think) ever asked you for money or suggested that your funding her escape might be her only way out?

OTOH, assuming the scenario is true..common law relationship, love-less relationship, unsympathetic husband etc....the one fact that jumps out is that he has "caught" her communication with you and has taken away her computer privileges using your words.

You didn't mention the husband's age.

One has to wonder if this is an abusive relationship, and what kind of relationship requires that the wife have "computer privileges". The extension of that rationale is this woman requires permission from her husband for certain aspects of her life.

Do you know if there is some kind of cultural domination going on here?

In my view, and it's probably the last thing you want to hear, is you are heading into a disastrous situation, where you are probably setting yourself up for a lot of heartache and disappointment not to mention potential financial disaster.

Do you see yourself ultimately saving this woman from her entrapment?

What steps do you see would be required to accomplish that?

What steps have you taken to verify this woman is who she is and that the situation is truly as she describes it?

 

[Lana]

Re: Not sure what to make of this.

My take on this is a bit different than Steves.

As a former chatter, I know how things can evolve from something harmless into something harmful. Thing about chatting is that it is not reality based, no matter how honest or sincere you are. It is all about our own perceptions and how we paint the other person with them. So, for example, if you are an angry person, chances are you will think and receive others as angry also. If you are a happy person, you will probably see, and receive, others as generally happy. And if you need someone to talk to, to share things you've never shared with anyone before: well, they offer that also.

In a way, chat can be like a mirror where you can assign your own "demons" to other chatters and "deal" with them. But therein lies a problem: you're dealing with other people, not your own demons and chances are, you're someone elses demon also.

The other problem with chat is that anonymity often allows us to open up a bit more then we normally would. It's not necessarily a good thing because it makes us vulnerable to predators. Another problem is that there is never a shortage of those that know how to take advantage of others. These chatters will tell you anything you want to hear to get under your skin. And then they...well...get under your skin.

In short, you can't make anything out of chat because for the most part, it is not real and you have no way of authenticating anything you read on the screen. I know of a woman that had an online relationship with a man, only to find out the man was a woman. There are plenty of stories where a man had a relationship with a woman, only to find out it was another man. I know of a man that invested himself in a relationship with a woman who told him she was terminally ill then died. Few weeks later he found out that she was alive and well and in a relationship with another man under another name. I have witnessed scandals where a woman shared pictures of herself only to find them on some not-so-flattering site of the man who was promoting his...well...love-skills, which effectively put her anonymity and livelihood at risk. I have know of several persons that have lost custody of their children because of their involvement in chat. So you see? A new chatname = new life = new person = new problem, and so on.

I think the important question here is what brought you both to chat in the first place? I know for me it was a form of escape from reality and a way of making my own reality. Instead of applying myself in the real world, I spent time and energy on make-belief. I have built friendships that crossed over into real every-day life. But, none of us chat anymore. And I probably never will again.