I don't know if this is the right way to go about this, or even if I'm posting in the correct place. If I'm not, then I do apologize.
I'm a 34 year old male living on Vancouver Island.
I was the victim of a sex crime when I was a kid, 11 or 12 I think. I don't remember much. I recall small things like the guys hair and the fact he was wearing shorts, but nothing else. I didn't know him either. After that things are mostly fuzzy. I don't remember much of anything from my youth except for small clips that come back every now and then.
I did a lot of drugs and drank a lot as well, I guess they call that self-medicating. It really screwed me up though, I did too much acid and remember when things started looking different. I am trying to keep some kind of timeline but it may not work. I was very angry growing up and was arrested more times than I can count for violence and being under the influence. I spent time in London Psychiatric hospital when I was about 17 and was told that I had major depressive disorder. I didn't tell them about what happened when I was a kid though, I kept that to myself. I tried taking my own life later on {details removed} on a golf course late at night but it didn't work because someone saw me and called the police. I spent more time in psychiatric wards after that and was taken into custody by the special tactics unit of the KW Police department. Not something I'm proud of but I guess it was bad when they came, I don't remember much of that either.
Around then I was diagnosed with major mood disorder. I told a psychiatrist then about the attack when I was a kid and when I was beaten badly by a group of people, and even when I was set on fire accidentally, he said I might have post traumatic stress but I never went back to see him so I don't know. I never really got help for what happened and it grew and grew and now I don't know whether I'm coming or going.
I was asked by another doctor what I thought was abnormal about my behaviour and I don't know what is normal or what is not. I get extremely agitated around crowds and strangers. I don't really like being out in public because I don't trust people and it's not paranoia either because sometimes people just don't like the way I look and think I'm a skinhead or something, or they stare me down because they want to pick a fight.
I'm writing this because it's really all I can do and I think it might make me feel better. I don't sleep well and I hate bright lights and high pitched noises which scare the crap out of me if I'm not expecting them. I don't like the daylight and feel much more comfortable at night. I know that we're supposed to learn things when we're here on earth, but I have no idea what I am supposed to learn from all this. But I'm not crazy, I know I'm not. I just think that there is something wrong in my head because I didn't get it fixed when I was a kid. I only really like being around animals, dogs especially, I like how they calm me down and I can trust them and their assessment of people and things around them. They know when something bad is around.
I take Zyprexa, but I stopped taking it awhile ago because I have to go through this, it's my responsibility to find the gifts in my condition, which apparently there are. I've been told it's compassion and sensitivity for others, which I do have. I don't like seeing innocent people hurt, and I don't like less fortunate people being looked down upon, and if I take those damned pills then I'm afraid I'll lose what I've been given. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm not. I have heard things, but they're not negative, they're very positive and if someone doesn't believe in them, then how the hell can I NOT feel like I'm nuts? I acknowledge the fact that there might be something wrong, so that means that I can't possibly be crazy if I know that I might have something going on right?
I just don't know who I should talk to or what I should talk about, I have no idea where to begin. I don't know what's wrong and what's not. I'm not afraid of death any more because it is kind of like going home, getting the hell out of jail, but there's no way I'm going to end things by my own hand, no suicide whatsoever and I would never harm an innocent person, so I'm not a danger to anyone. So what the hell should I do?
The last doctor I spoke to didn't even look at me when I tried explaining things to him, he just wrote things down and nodded every now and then and that kicked the **** out of me. The next doctor I spoke to looked at me like I had two heads when I explained things to her, that was the end of the whole office visit thing for me. I don't even know what things are supposed to be like, I have no idea. Sorry for rambling, it's just been awhile since I've been able to write things out. Again I'm sorry if I put this in the wrong spot. Thank you for listening.
---------- Post Merged at 03:05 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:27 AM ----------
I also forgot to add that in the past year or so I have been having problems understanding people. It is almost like English suddenly loses all meaning for me, I don't understand what somebody says and I have to ask them to repeat it. The words get jummbled in my head and I can't focus on what they're saying. It happens when I read as well. There will be kind of a quick flash almost and I'll have to go back and read whatever it is again.
I'm a 34 year old male living on Vancouver Island.
I was the victim of a sex crime when I was a kid, 11 or 12 I think. I don't remember much. I recall small things like the guys hair and the fact he was wearing shorts, but nothing else. I didn't know him either. After that things are mostly fuzzy. I don't remember much of anything from my youth except for small clips that come back every now and then.
I did a lot of drugs and drank a lot as well, I guess they call that self-medicating. It really screwed me up though, I did too much acid and remember when things started looking different. I am trying to keep some kind of timeline but it may not work. I was very angry growing up and was arrested more times than I can count for violence and being under the influence. I spent time in London Psychiatric hospital when I was about 17 and was told that I had major depressive disorder. I didn't tell them about what happened when I was a kid though, I kept that to myself. I tried taking my own life later on {details removed} on a golf course late at night but it didn't work because someone saw me and called the police. I spent more time in psychiatric wards after that and was taken into custody by the special tactics unit of the KW Police department. Not something I'm proud of but I guess it was bad when they came, I don't remember much of that either.
Around then I was diagnosed with major mood disorder. I told a psychiatrist then about the attack when I was a kid and when I was beaten badly by a group of people, and even when I was set on fire accidentally, he said I might have post traumatic stress but I never went back to see him so I don't know. I never really got help for what happened and it grew and grew and now I don't know whether I'm coming or going.
I was asked by another doctor what I thought was abnormal about my behaviour and I don't know what is normal or what is not. I get extremely agitated around crowds and strangers. I don't really like being out in public because I don't trust people and it's not paranoia either because sometimes people just don't like the way I look and think I'm a skinhead or something, or they stare me down because they want to pick a fight.
I'm writing this because it's really all I can do and I think it might make me feel better. I don't sleep well and I hate bright lights and high pitched noises which scare the crap out of me if I'm not expecting them. I don't like the daylight and feel much more comfortable at night. I know that we're supposed to learn things when we're here on earth, but I have no idea what I am supposed to learn from all this. But I'm not crazy, I know I'm not. I just think that there is something wrong in my head because I didn't get it fixed when I was a kid. I only really like being around animals, dogs especially, I like how they calm me down and I can trust them and their assessment of people and things around them. They know when something bad is around.
I take Zyprexa, but I stopped taking it awhile ago because I have to go through this, it's my responsibility to find the gifts in my condition, which apparently there are. I've been told it's compassion and sensitivity for others, which I do have. I don't like seeing innocent people hurt, and I don't like less fortunate people being looked down upon, and if I take those damned pills then I'm afraid I'll lose what I've been given. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm not. I have heard things, but they're not negative, they're very positive and if someone doesn't believe in them, then how the hell can I NOT feel like I'm nuts? I acknowledge the fact that there might be something wrong, so that means that I can't possibly be crazy if I know that I might have something going on right?
I just don't know who I should talk to or what I should talk about, I have no idea where to begin. I don't know what's wrong and what's not. I'm not afraid of death any more because it is kind of like going home, getting the hell out of jail, but there's no way I'm going to end things by my own hand, no suicide whatsoever and I would never harm an innocent person, so I'm not a danger to anyone. So what the hell should I do?
The last doctor I spoke to didn't even look at me when I tried explaining things to him, he just wrote things down and nodded every now and then and that kicked the **** out of me. The next doctor I spoke to looked at me like I had two heads when I explained things to her, that was the end of the whole office visit thing for me. I don't even know what things are supposed to be like, I have no idea. Sorry for rambling, it's just been awhile since I've been able to write things out. Again I'm sorry if I put this in the wrong spot. Thank you for listening.
---------- Post Merged at 03:05 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:27 AM ----------
I also forgot to add that in the past year or so I have been having problems understanding people. It is almost like English suddenly loses all meaning for me, I don't understand what somebody says and I have to ask them to repeat it. The words get jummbled in my head and I can't focus on what they're saying. It happens when I read as well. There will be kind of a quick flash almost and I'll have to go back and read whatever it is again.
