I've been battling depression for the last 10 years. It also comes as no surprise that I'm a mess by now. When I was 12, I saw a suicide counselor because I had begun admitting to my family that I didn't want to live. From the age of 12 to 17, I was seeing a school counselor as much as I could. Sometimes 3-4 days a week. When I was 18, I stopped seeing the counselor. My moods became worse and when I was 19, I was diagnosed at the Hospital (psychiatric wing). Depressive Personality Disorder. I still feel like the doctor didn't care, and wasn't thorough. When I looked it up later, I found that DPD is not an actual disorder. It's still being talked about between doctors. That made me feel like... even when I'm crazy I don't fit in. (Not saying people who deal with this are crazy, but i myself... i do feel crazy sometimes.) Where do I fit?
So I haven't sought help since I was 18 and I'm now 22. I just don't know if this is depression or if I'm just... weird. I don't know. Everyone around me just blames it on me being lazy, irresponsible, and a hermit. Really, I have no energy to go do anything. When I do, my mind stops me and I can't figure out why. I lost all my friends cause I kept flaking on plans cause I just couldn't do it anymore. I just have a hard time leaving the house. When I do, I'm a big ball of anxiety. Lately it feels like my depression "episodes", or whatever you want to call them.. they get closer and closer and worse and worse. When I'm in them, it's like quick sand. I can't get out and I can almost feel myself losing my sanity. The rational smart part of my brain just goes out the door and it's getting harder to get out of it. I used to pride myself on being smart and not letting myself think those thoughts. But the more I have these things, these moods, the more I just don't want to exist anymore.
I'm surrounded by people who write off my thoughts and feelings. And I feel like no doctor has ever really cared to help me figure this out. Because I really honestly don't know what's wrong with me.
So I haven't sought help since I was 18 and I'm now 22. I just don't know if this is depression or if I'm just... weird. I don't know. Everyone around me just blames it on me being lazy, irresponsible, and a hermit. Really, I have no energy to go do anything. When I do, my mind stops me and I can't figure out why. I lost all my friends cause I kept flaking on plans cause I just couldn't do it anymore. I just have a hard time leaving the house. When I do, I'm a big ball of anxiety. Lately it feels like my depression "episodes", or whatever you want to call them.. they get closer and closer and worse and worse. When I'm in them, it's like quick sand. I can't get out and I can almost feel myself losing my sanity. The rational smart part of my brain just goes out the door and it's getting harder to get out of it. I used to pride myself on being smart and not letting myself think those thoughts. But the more I have these things, these moods, the more I just don't want to exist anymore.
I'm surrounded by people who write off my thoughts and feelings. And I feel like no doctor has ever really cared to help me figure this out. Because I really honestly don't know what's wrong with me.