Obsessions ruining my life and relationship

[Steven_v]

while iam at work as its not a particuly brain demanding job (iam a window cleaner) all I do is think and get worried about my girlfriend thinking all the time "is she cheating on me, is she gona finish with me, am I keeping her interested enough" its driving me mad and its putting a real big strain on my relationship as it worries me so much even though I know its stupid and it just doesnt go out of my head that I keep getting jealous around my girlfriend when she goes out with friends and I keep asking really stupid questions we've almost split up 4 times this past week because of it. and whats more because iam not regully going to work (cause of another problem ive mentioned in one of the other forums on this site) I cant afford to by her things or take her out much to apolagise wich in turn worries me more that she's gona get bored of me cause I know she really likes going out. so i just dont want her to get bored.
and she mentioned to me the otherday that i and 2 other blokes she's been out with are the only ones she's been faithfull to. when i asked her why she said cause they treated her bad and she got bored, i asked her if she ever would and she said no not with you then i asked her if she ever did i rather she told mecause if she ever got that miserable id rather know. cause the last thing i want is for her to be unhappy in anyway. i think what also worries me is that iam 19 and she's 26 and used to party alot and has had alot of partners where as she's only my second sexual partner. i dont know wether iam being stupid reall parnoid or if theres something wrong with me but i need some advice if i carry on like this one of us is gona end up finishing it. thank you for any help

 

[comfortzone]

Re: Just cant stop worrying about my girlfriend

Hi Steven,

All that you can ever be is yourself in any relationship. If someone is going to love you, you have to be open to their love. I have a friend who sounds much like you. He learned that he "thinks too much." He worries that he is going to lose his girlfriend. In the process of worrying and other concerns, he has pushed his girlfriend away. I think you have to focus on what you DO have instead of what you think you are about to lose. Be yourself with your girlfriend. Stop over analyzing your actions, thoughts or interactions with your girlfriend. I wonder if you have found yourself outside of your comfort zone? Our comfort zones are much larger than we give ourselves credit. Comfort many times is just a thought that leads to a comfortable feeling. Be comfortable with yourself wherever you might find yourself and others will feel the same. Keep us posted.

 

[ThatLady]

Re: Just cant stop worrying about my girlfriend

I don't think you're stupid, hon. However, I do think you're allowing yourself to worry so much about what MIGHT be that you're losing sight of what is and what CAN be. Money isn't what makes a relationship. Understanding caring, and communication are much more valuable contributions in that respect. If you can just relax and let things flow naturally, I think you'll find you'll feel better and your relationship will benefit.

 

[Steven_v]

Re: Just cant stop worrying about my girlfriend

i think my bigist problem is just being able to relax i worry all the time especial if things are going ok, and the worst thing is i dont know how to stop

 

[JA]

Re: Just cant stop worrying about my girlfriend

Are your worries specific to your relationship with your gf or do you think you worry preaty much about everything?

 

[Steven_v]

Re: Just cant stop worrying about my girlfriend

depends what my minds on, but just lately my minds always on my girlfriend so its that that i worry about

 

[jwfoster32]

Re: Just cant stop worrying about my girlfriend

Steven...

I'm in a similar situation...where I over analyze!! Don't get me wrong, I do feel that regular assesments are necessary. But over analysis creates pitfalls where there are none. I speak from experience!! I have projected what i "THINK" the situation, when in fact it is nothing near that. Unless your girlfriend gives you any legitamate indication that there is a problem...be comfortable and confident with what you have. She's with you because she see something in you that she is attracted to. You are you ahve done something that has retained her emotions to this point...keep it up. Keep being yourself . You can't expect anymore of yourself than that. One can only hope that they are partnered with someone who will have enough respect for them to discuss any issues that may arise. If they are not, than you know this is not the person for you.

Jeff

 

[Steven_v]

Re: Just cant stop worrying about my girlfriend

thanks jeff i think i have to keep that in mind and also think about what i say before i say it as ive really offended my girlfrien twice this week cause ive said something that as soon as i said it i wish i hadnt

 

[Steven_v]

Re: Just cant stop worrying about my girlfriend

got into another argument last night, basically the past few weeks my girlfriend has come out the to me that she thinks she's bisexual, and says that she wouldnt mind sleeping with a women however i cant see how thats any different then her saying she wants to cheat on me. anyway that argument was a week ago the one last night was that she got some sex toys and some porno vidios in (we're both quite sexual and adventurios) so she put the prono on next thing i know she asking me things like "is getting hard babe" and "is it making you horny" well i didnt really feel in the mood anyway (plus i was thinking well she's probably getting more turned on by this then me) so i said no iam not in the mod. she turns around and after alittle bit of tring to get me to "be in the mood" just says fine then and get out a vibrator. so i say do you mind if you dont do that infront of me right now how would you feel if you wernt in the mood and i just pulled it out and started to have a wank. anyway she seemed really of with me after that so we had a bit of an argument then she said the reason she went in a bit of a mood was because she thought she done something wrong and thats why i wasnt in the mood. so we kinda sorted that still a bit of a heavy atmosphere in the air later on we played with the toys and then while we were laying in bed she say"iam sorry that you dont get me that wet i wish you did" so i said do you think you might be fully lesbian and she said maybe. anyway another big discusion and we came to the conclusion that she really loves me and i her and that we want to be together, and that if it bothers me so badly she really wouldnt want to sleep with a women. but i know that thats something she has to try but i cant be with her if she does do that cause under any cercumstances i think thats cheating but i dont want to finish with her and i dont want her to be unhappy.

So is it me, is it her or is it both of us? and what do i do about it?

 

[jwfoster32]

Re: Just cant stop worrying about my girlfriend

Steven...

I think you both need to be COMPLETELY honest and CANDID about what it is that you:
1-? Want for yourselves
? ? ?a. If you're feeling that her sleeping with another woman to explore her potential bi-sexuality (or lesbianism) is a form of cheating.? That is a valid feel, primarily because that is something that is "tugging" at your moral values.? She needs to be made aware of these feelings...in a tactful, but truthful way.
? ? ?b.? If your girlfriend is in fact a lesbian, she needs to acknowledge that and deal with it in a healthy way.? Coming "out of the closet" is not an easy thing...TRUST ME, I know of what I speek!? It also should NOTbe ignored just for the sake of keeping you happy.? If that is done, you can pretty much be assured that the issue will ariase again and NOT in a good way.? This may very well present itself as resentment towards you directly.? I'm sure you don't want that.
2-? Want for the relationship
? ? ?a.? Discussing and defining some goals for your relationship can be a good thing.? Some times necessary.? Some examples:? What is it that you are each looking to get out of the relationshipfrom the other?? Is this a serious...long term thing?? Is this just a casual relationship??
? ? ?b.? You mentioned that the two of you were "sexually adventurous"... would bringing a third party (another woman) into the picture, to explore be a possibility?? I feel I need to clarify a bit on this last one:? This is something my ex and I would do occasionally/rarely (though it would be a third guy) but we talked about it ahead of time.? We decided that there needed to be "rules" to it.? :! 1- We ALWAYS asked if the other was in the mood to play...meaning; is that something they wanted to do at the time.? If "YES"...fine.? If "NO" the subject was dropped with no ill feelings. 2- The "thrid" was a mutual decision? 3- We NEVER played without the other...that would be cheating! :!
? ? ?c.? What if your girlfriend is in fact a lesbian?? Ho wdo you intend to handle it?? Keep in mind (though it may be tough at the moment) that her being a lesbian...IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!? Yes, it would be a blow to your ego and even hurtful to think that she may not need to be with you (as a man).? But in the long run, if you do in fact care for her as much as you allude to...you need to be understanding of the circumstances.? Steven...this is NOT to say that it may not hurt to deal with this epiphany...but it is one you will survive!!

All and all, the key to any successful relationship ( on any level) is communication.? You need to find a constructive and non-threatening way to discuss these withyour girlfriend.? You cannot keep them bottled up or just between you and us here at the "Forum".? Whatever the outcome of these discussions is, examine the facts FULLY before reacting or resolving yourselves to a solution.? Always keep in mind, there are two of you in this relationship, these decissions need to be made together.

Cheers;
Jeff

 

[Steven_v]

Re: Just cant stop worrying about my girlfriend

may have pushed it to far today. yesterday we kind of sorted things out i told her my problems and she agreed to reasure me every now and again, that its something she fantasies about but doesnt need to do and that i get her as turned on as anywomen. anyway this morning came along and my o.c.d paranoid little mind had had a little nigling thought building up in it that (as the only way i know how) to stop it was to keep going on and on about it (id basicaly ask if she wanted just a monogomus relationship, and she said she doesnt know) so i went of on oneand she explained that she ment it as she doesnt know was gona happen 5 years down the line so how can she promise me. and that all she knows is she wants to be with me. anyway i dont know why but i still couldnt drop it and it basically ended up with her walking out. i went after her we went back to the flat i stayed quite while she talked, then i explained how my mind gets the thoughts in it that just dont go away and going on about them even when the problems been sorted is the only way i know how to get it out of my head. anyway i appolagised and told her that i'll try to find other ways of doing it, but she said she just doesnt now how or even why she should put up with. so she went of to work with a kiss on the cheek and a very unheartfelt i love you, and i wont see her till 6pm tonight know if at all.

how can i stop these obssesive thoughts taking over my mind how do i stop myself needing to go on about them and being reasured every five seconds just to feel secure. and the big one how do i get her to believe i really am sorry and really do want to change when ive done this exact same thing atleast 3 times before over different things. why should she beleive my appolagie and how can i prove to her that i know what iam doing is stupid and i really am trying to sort it out?

please help

 

[jwfoster32]

Re: Just cant stop worrying about my girlfriend

Steven....

It is uncanny how simailar your current situation is to mine. I'm right there with you!!

I too have gone through the experience(s) of being paranoid and insecure about my relationship. Also, I am a "talker"...menaing I feel the needto discuss whatever issue is my head at the time. No matter if the surroundings are appropriate or not. This has caused a GREAT deal of trouble with myself and Steve (my ex). I would get STUPID ideas in my head and and completely project them onto him. Starting arguements aout of the blue.

As for dealing with "it", there are a number of possibilties...so you can at least be assured by that. I've been doing couseling for the past several weeks and it does seem to be helping. Also, I have rejuvinated my interest in a few hobbies that have fallen by the way side. One of these being my gym membership!! I am finding this is a HUGE stress reliever for me. After a GOOD workout my endorphin level is so high that my insecurities fall to the wayside. I LOVE IT. Also, I have been talking with Steve about issues we had. Yes, we're not together...but i feel fortunate that he is still willing to discuss this stuff with me. It is very helpful.

I would be lying if I told you there is a quick fix available at the local pharmacy or something. God knows, I waish there was. It will take time. You have to retrain yourself as to how to handle your emotions. It can be a tricky thing. Another helpful thing...don't put yourself in the situation where the insecurities are being fed. Remove yourself, gain your "sanity" back. If the feeling is still there in a few hours or the next day. Talk about it rationally with your girlfriend.

 

[JA]

Re: Just cant stop worrying about my girlfriend

I used to worry alot about my relationship with my bf... I think the reason why I worried so much was that I felt so lucky to be with him, I liked him so much, that I couldn't bear the thought of losing him. He, obviously, felt uncomfortable being with someone so attached to him. This caused problems in our relationship until I realized that my life was too centered around him, that I needed to have things that I really cared for besides him. Because I thought losing him would be unbearable, I created problems in our relationship and almost lost him! Paradoxial... So I basically decided I needed more hobbies of my own. I started belonging to my student union and volunteering at many, many places. I also became closer to my friends (and made new friends) and started to see them more often without my bf. I basically started to have such a full life that I could see losing him would not be the end of the world. I still loved him, but he might have occupied 10% of my life instead of 90%... My happiness was no longer dependent on our relationship. As this happened, we started to be happier together. He felt more comfortable in the relationship and became more attached. I have to say this is a problem we don't have anymore, and we haven't had it for many years now. We're now very happy together, but I also know we could be very happy appart...

This is not to say that you should do what I did or that doing it will save your relationship. Everyone is different and it's preaty impossible, to me anyways, to predict for sure if a relationship will last or not. I just wanted to say it's possible to get better with this... Either way, I don't think making a relationship the center of your life is the way to go, if you can help it in anyway. It's just too risky... My goal is to have many centers in my life... I feel that my mood is more stable that way, because if one important thing goes bad, at least I have many other things to rely on...

Good luck!

btw I tried to change many times before I actually succeded...if you're posting, I think it's a sign you really want to change. It's just not that easy, and it may take many tries. Don't give up!

 

[jwfoster32]

Re: Just cant stop worrying about my girlfriend

JA!!

That is a WONDERFUL posting!! You just described EXACTLY what I have been attempting to do!! YOU ROCK!!

Jeff

 

[Steven_v]

Re: Just cant stop worrying about my girlfriend

thanks guys

 

[JA]

Re: Just cant stop worrying about my girlfriend

Thanks Jeff, you made me feel so special! Glad it could help! Good luck!

 

[Steven_v]

Obssesions ruining my life and relationship

basically cant stop obssesing that my girlfriend is gona cheat in me or something, and cant stop getting her to reasure me that she wont. yet i know the more i do it the more likely it is that she will cheat (if i think she's gona cheat she may aswell do it anyway). how do i stop these thoughts building up from a little nigling dought way in the back of my mind to a major paranoid obssesion that i cant stop going on about?

also how do i repair the damage already done? how do are draw her near again when all ive been doing is basicaly pushing her away?

please help. :frown:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The best advice I can give you is to find someone who is experienced in working with obsessional thinking and/or OCD.

I have doubts that you can be successful in overcoming a problem with obessional thinking on your own. I think at the very least you are going to need some assistance from a therapist and in most cases, at least for a while, you will also benefit from medication to help you to break or "short-circuit" the obsessional sequence when it begins (rather like interrupting a "fixed action pattern").

 

[Steven_v]

ive asked my psyc doctor several times to refere me to a therapist, but they never do. iam on fluoxatine but that only really seems to help the obssesive thoughts when i take very high dosages (wich then give me erectile problems). ive been taking zopiclone at night to sleep and i noticed it stops my obssesive thoughts, so on day i took it during the day and it worked fine for hours, i wasnt even drowsy. yet when i told my doctor this he told me to come of zopiclone and take on diazepam twice a day (i.e. at night to help me sleep aswell). but the diazepam doesnt do anything but make me light headed for about 20-60 secs (plus ive heard its higly addictive). if zopiclone works for my obssesive thoughts during the day why wont my doctor let me take it, and how to i convince my doctor to refer me to a therapist. it just seems like iam banging my head against a brick wall some times, and iam a shy person anyway so opening up fully to my doctor i find hard at the best of times let alone when they dont really seem to be interested.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I doubt that zopiclone actually does anything for your obsessive other than perhaps to lower your stress a bit by helping you sleep better.

Ask your doctor about Luvox (fluvoxamine) as an alternative to Prozac. This works best for obsessional thinking for many of my clients (but be sure to get your doctor to specify the brand name version, not the generic, which for some reason seems to be less effective). It's also less likely to have the unwanted sexual side effects.