Occasional caregiver to abuser who now has Dementia

[ChattyPenguin]

My physical abuse ended many decades ago, therapy occurred once I was on my own, and went on for decades as well (various therapists) and as a woman of 50, I thought it was all in my past.

Now he has dementia and needs care.

My family expects me to help; my Mom has no idea what took place but at least one sibling does.

Although only a few times a month and only for a few hours at a time, I'm expected to help feed him, help with his bodily functions, let him hold my hand, rub his arms when they are sore, tell him how much I love him . . .

Once when I was traveling to the facility he was staying in, I was expected to sleep in the now available bed in my parents house - the bed where he had abused me. It was not a good night and I've managed to avoid it since.

You get the idea.

Sometimes while sitting beside him I think about how much power he is exerting over us all. He's not a dumb man so sometimes I wonder if during his lucid moments he relishes in how he is once again messing with me. Sometimes I want to confront him, something I never did. His abuse went on for many years but although he seems to know who I am most of the time, he treats me differently now than he ever has.

Is the only solution to wait this out ?

 

[forgetmenot]

Oh god no you do not owe this man anything nothing. You suffered greatly at his hands how dare anyone expect you to reach out to your abuser and care for him I would say for your own mental health to just say no and stay away Get on with your life get care for you healing for you He does not deserve any care dimentia or not he is not your responsibility just say no and walk away from it all.

 

[Yuray]

Hi Chatty

How you deal with this situation now, at this time, may govern how you feel about yourself in the future. I think it's admirable that your conscience at this time allows you to assist in caregiving for someone who brutalized you. Not many would willingly do so. It shows a great depth of character not to seek revenge at this critical time in his life, where you obviously now have the power, and reason, to make this time more difficult for him.

Sometimes while sitting beside him I think about how much power he is exerting over us all. He's not a dumb man so sometimes I wonder if during his lucid moments he relishes in how he is once again messing with me. Sometimes I want to confront him, something I never did. His abuse went on for many years but although he seems to know who I am most of the time, he treats me differently now than he ever has.

You have survived, with scarring, and fears, but you live on, a wiser person, and again, your conscience runs deep enough to allow you to bury your feelings, and assist. He is only a shadow from the past now. You have the power, and you are using it wisley. I am not suggesting forgiveness, but I do see a need for you to watch this man as he diminishes in stature. Whether he is aware of what is going on or not is neither here nor there at this point. He is helpless. Confronting him with the past may only result in a failed memory from him.

My hat is off to you for taking the course you are on. It shows great control. and compassion, albeit unearned by him. I have a great respect for people who take the 'high road' in situations like this. Whatever you choose to do regarding him, I trust your choice will be heartfelt and honest, as you see it.

 

[forgetmenot]

I think that if you choose to do so it must not be from pressure or out of guilt because right now it is your health that matters. This man who abused you thought nothing of the pain he caused. I think if you choose to take care of you in this instance no one would judge you for it. The caregivers that are there looking after this man will take care of him and you have no obligation what so ever to do so. He is not of his mind but there are probably lucid periods that he is aware i don't know why anyone would expect you to be able to do this You are still suffering the pain and i say you need to look after your needs first and foremost His needs will be looked after with out you having to put yourself in pain again

 

[ChattyPenguin]

Thank you all. It is constructive to hear different views of the same situation to help me put my feelings and actions into words.
How my family (at least most of them) and my father's caregivers perceive me is through distorted glasses; they do not have the insight that I've allowed you (this forum) to have.
How my father's caregivers perceive me is of no importance to me. My siblings are fully aware that the relationship between my father and myself has never been close and also have not put any pressure on me.
My only concern is my mother. What I do is for her benefit; to give her a day away from visiting the care facility. She was not there for me, even when I believe she knew at some level that things were going on that shouldn't be. That is a small sin to forgive when compared to the larger sin. I have forgiven her this small sin as I recognize during that era and living in a village, her slightly submissive nature did not allow for many options.
With my dad's dementia he spends most of his time living in a world before I was born. But . . . could he say something to the wrong person some day that will bring things out into the light ? As the abuse was probably not something he ever talked about to anyone, were they retained as the type of memories that are likely to appear during dementia ? So far, his talking seems to be focused on events that occurred early in his life : collecting eggs from the hens, someone getting lost, going dancing.
Can I somehow cross link this discussion over to the one on Alzheimer's D. and Dementia ?

 

[busybee]

Hello, I have worked in the aged care industry for 21 years and as such have a lot to do with residents with Dementia. First and foremost, when I am conducting education for staff members I remind them that the person/resident before us now is this Older person who appears frail, confused and are only a glimmer of the adult and person they truly are. I also discuss with them family dynamics and that making assumptions is not our domain. We did not experience the resident in their roles, as mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle. They may have been abusive or pedophiles. I say this as in the time I have counselled many family members who have suffered harm at the hands of their loved ones. I suppose with understanding his dementia, if you have a need for this then there is much information available to you. A simplistic way that I use to educate staff is by comparing the brain to an onion. If you have a healthy onion when you peel it layer upon layer all the tissue is interconnected and becomes a whole. If the onion has areas in it which are bruised or bad the tissue connectivity doesn't function as well. If added to this chewing gum was added in different places (read plaques and tangles) then the electrical current cannot travel effectively and may bounce from one area to another. This is why they may start one thing, head off to another, and then much later complete something. This is often when dementia shows itself as a physical abnormality. Also like an onion the memories are peeled back. Short term memory fades. Therefore asking repeatedly for the time, or who are you. The present they live in is like loosing decades at a time. In the reality your father is currently living in he is young, he may have not ever be able to have any recollection of the harm he visited on you. Does he refer to you by your mothers name or if he looks in a mirror does he say who is that old man. In his minds eye in his reality .........
I have always believed and heard it said by many older people that at least they have their memories, this is something that defines them and most live in horror of not being aware of who they are, because with dementia the very essence of the person of who you are is lost.

You need to do for you what is the best for you at this time. This is a difficult role you have set out and many conflicting emotions including anger, hurt at both parents, especially if you choose for it to remain an unspoken minefield.

Be safe.