Old Habits Die Hard

[Straitjacket]

To be frankly honest, life sucks right now. I'm trying really hard to not show people that I'm upset, but it's really difficult. The other night I spent the entire day crying because I just couldn't deal. There's no one there to help. I don't want to bother anyone. The one friend I have is in such a good place, I don't want to ruin it. And my mother already has too much to worry about.

I've been hurting myself again, which I hate, but I also feel like I need to. Like if I don't do this, then I'm just going to explode into a million little pieces and never be put back together again. I keep panicking over stupid things. I nearly broke down because I put my brush down and couldn't find it. I hate myself for being so sensitive, for getting so upset, but I can't help it.

The biggest issue is that I don't know if I want to stop. I spent nine months without it. I completely changed. My boyfriend dumped me. He doesn't love me anymore. I'm just not the same person without it. I'm not happy. I'm numb. I'm nothing.

Is it really so bad if it makes me a better person? If it makes me tolerable to be around? I don't know how else to control myself and my behavior. I don't know how else to feel anything.

 

[Jazzey]

Re: Old Habits Die Hard.

See: self-help ideas for people who-self-injure

&

the ten forms of twisted thinking

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Is it really so bad if it makes me a better person? If it makes me tolerable to be around? I don't know how else to control myself and my behavior. I don't know how else to feel anything.

It doesn't make you a better person. If it "makes you tolerable to be around" it's at a great cost to you. And what you've adopted as a coping strategy is at best a short-term distraction only.

You need to be talking to your doctor, first, and a qualified counselor to address the sadness and anxiety you feel, and the reasons you feel that way. You may benefit from medication as opposed to self-injury. You could certainly benefit from acquiring more effective skills to manage your stress and distress.

 

[Dragonfly]

The biggest issue is that I don't know if I want to stop. I spent nine months without it. I completely changed. My boyfriend dumped me. He doesn't love me anymore. I'm just not the same person without it. I'm not happy. I'm numb. I'm nothing.

Straitjacket - your pain is palpable. I know it probably doesn't help, but change of any kind is hard for most people. and lots of times its also hard for the people around the person who changes. But, (please understand that I am being very gentle here) why would you want a boyfriend who needs you to hurt yourself? You changed for the better and he walked away because he couldn't ... change.

df