Online support forums and me

[braveheart]

I'd appreciate some help untangling this.

There's two major factors that are leaving me feeling somewhat 'homeless' in the internet forum world.

One being that my presenting factors aren't what fit into the 'typical' groups

- My symptoms are a complex mix of things. For a start I have a lot of dissociative issues, but I don't have DID. Nor do I have the typical background of someone presenting on a DID/dissociation forum - I've never been sexually abused, nor suffered ritual abuse.

I have borderline traits, but borderline based forums are unhealthy for me, surrounded as they are with usually pretty extreme dysfunctional behaviours which can trigger me rather than make me feel connected.

I suffer from anxiety, but ditto to that - spending some time on an anxiety forum recently triggered health anxiety, something which I'd mostly recovered from.

I rarely self harm - and when I do, what I do is 'mild' compared to cutting, and I certainly have never overdosed, and I'm certainly no longer a teenager, even though I may feel like one at times, due to past abuse.

I don't abuse substances - never touched alcohol, tobacco, or drugs.

I have social anxiety, but have found my issues/threads sidelined and ignored on social anxiety forums.

I see a complementary health practitioner alongside my psychotherapy and conventional medical treatment. It really is helping to shift some deeply entrenched patterns that have been around for years. Not everyone agrees with this, I know, but it works for me, so great. But the kind of forums for this I find ungrounded.

And, on the other hand, very orthodox medical based forums I find too restrictive and

I'm at a point in my recovery, a turning point, where I find abuse survivor communities unhealthy for me, for the most part. Recent interactions on such a forum have really made it clear to me how entrenched in and feeding of the victim mindset they are. And, whilst this appeals to part of my mind, for the most part, I see how this is really unhelpful for me. I've reached a point where I can be compassionate and understanding of the mind states of my abusers, having seen reflections in myself. I'm aware of the tragic spiral which is the abuse dynamic, and abusers aren't a separate species, aren't monsters - although their behaviour may be monstrous at times, true. But they are not sub humans. And victims aren't the chosen race, or perfect. Life just isn't that black and white.

I'm a writer - as yet not published, but online writing forums are very unfriendly places, and not respecters of the vulnerable in any way shape or form.

As I become more social, after decades of isolation, I find online forums valuable in - apart from getting me through difficulties in between therapy sessions - helping me practice social skills, assertiveness, and keeping my mind active.

For some time I've had periods where one or two forums have been my online 'home' but once again, like a while ago, I'm hopping between 4 or 5 forums as one satisfy my needs on their own. This may be a good thing, but.. it feels very disparate.

I did start my own forum, for abuse survivors to express themselves and find their voice through creativity. It had a good start, but it's faded now as those small forums do.

So, I'm wondering if anyone has any thoughts, personal experiences....

Thanks...

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: online support forums and me

I'm hopping between 4 or 5 forums as one satisfy my needs on their own. This may be a good thing, but.. it feels very disparate.

That does seem similar to my use of self-help books, with each book having a different focus or at least a slightly different perspective.

 

[white page]

Re: online support forums and me

Hi Braveheart;
There is much in your post that I relate to, and your personal growth and evolution is a wonderful example for the members here, it appears from what you are saying that you are traversing one of those major threshold passages.

I like what you say about increased compassion and leaving behind the victim role, I know how much work this is and the sense of freedom felt when we reach this stage of insight.

Personally I think it is healthy to have different places on the net that you can visit, the net to a great extent is a reflection of real life, there are different places to visit in relation to your interests and needs. I agree that it maybe tricky to stay in forums where you no longer feel comfortable, this again is like real life, our needs evolve and the places which were helpful and filled a need at one point may no longer be relevant now.

I think I know what you mean about the creative forums, I had a look at one or two for my
discipline and felt that they were rather scary places. (but I'm scared easily )

Are you looking for real life contact or are you still to shy for that?

Have you tried any of the online social networks?
I know nothing about them so I can't offer any help there at all.

I'm sure other members can give you the benefit of their experiences, I don't have much experience with social life on the net.

 

[ladylore]

Hey Braveheart,

The online forum thing is only one tool for me. It's a part of my life but definitely not it. I think as we change and become healthier we need different things. I need a combination of things for my emotional health.

It's a great thing to notice when your needs are changing. :2thumbs:

 

[Jackie]

Hello Braveheart,

Theres nothing wrong with being on different forums. I think its a very good thing. I'm on quite a few too as I haven't been able to find one were I can discuss everything about me. Psychlinks proberly comes close as theres quite a varied number of boards within the forum about different things, however I still feel the need to go elsewhere for other things about me.

In real life you just don't go to one place to meet people or socialise you go to many which is what your doing, which is fine.:hug:

 

[braveheart]

Thanks everyone.

I'll reply properly tomorrow.

 

[braveheart]

I forgot I never replied to this.. Sorry.

I've been thinking.

Does anyone ever feel sidelined by the ever growing "popularity" and online forum 'status symbol' of multiple mental health diagnoses, especially in young people?

I am 'Multi Layered' and indeed a trauma-abuse survivor trying to find her way in the world. But the fact is, my official diagnosis is "only" depression, anxiety and "other problems" - I should have asked the psychiatrist more what he meant by that, the 'other problems'. Too late now though, unless I end up referred back for any reason, and I ain't a planning on that!

I'm tired though of navigating the 'sprinklies' that come with my depression - a mixed bag of pick n' mix personality disorder and trauma and dissociation stuff. It doesn't feel that it gives me a hell of a lot of credibility online when everyone else seems to have well defined and distinct diagnoses. Although I know the human psyche isn't like that, and my treatment team don't see it as helpful for me to be defined/packaged/labelled in that way.

I mean. It makes total sense I'd have a whole mix of stuff, what with the very early trauma, the dysfunctional parenting, the abuse, the severe protracted bullying and then whatever else. I had stuff go wrong in each of the developmental stages, so no wonder I'm a bit of this and a bit of that. And at heart I know that I'm a human being, not a list of diagnoses. But just now and again I wish... or maybe I don't...Hmm. Some days I do indeed crave to know.

I just... there's Complex PTSD, which my therapist has verified, along with the "borderline"-attachment disorder stuff, which includes a lot of dependency and avoidance, along with paranoia which is basically very severe anxiety and hyper-vigilance. I've also recently been looking in my therapeutic work at narcissism traits within me.
Plus there's the whole dissociation *thing*.

I'm just tired of this. I wish I could just say on forums that "This is me, Katie, I had a ****ty past and it's caused some pretty deep emotional scarring which I'm working through safely with my treatment team." But everywhere a BIG diagnosis seems to be the only way people are taken seriously in certain quarters.

I know also that traumatised me wants a BIG diagnosis so that she knows who she is, because she is so insecure and unsure, she needs something solid to define her.

In my adult mind I know that it is most helpful to explore and work with what I deal with in the context of being complex defence mechanisms I developed over the years to help me survive, and which cause dysfunction in my life now.

But then I reach out for connection and support online, and I don't feel wholehearted acceptance in some online communities unless I could say *hand on heart* "a psychiatrist [not a therapist] has diagnosed me with this and this and this." My trouble is that the psychiatrist wasn't terribly interested in defining what I struggle with beyond the primary needing medication one.
Or is this just my skewed perspective?

I mean, I've even started doubting the PTSD, because I've been told over and over that therapists cannot diagnose. Doesn't take away the fact however of my dissociative flashbacks, the periodic panics, the episodes of defensive rage when my space feels invaded, my fear of men and authority figures, my inability to cope in crowds or with people walking or sitting behind me. All of which are slowly but surely improving, true. But they're still there, they're not my creations or figments of my imagination.

These thoughts are another aspect of the 'picking and choosing' forums and not feeling I have an online 'home'. I don't even fit within the regular mental health diagnostic title lists of standard forums - apart from depression, and I'm not as severely depressed as I was, either.

It may be that my symptoms aside from the depression confuse medics too. They aren't quite sure where to categorise me. So they don't.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I know also that traumatised me wants a BIG diagnosis so that she knows who she is, because she is so insecure and unsure, she needs something solid to define her.

This is the part I've seen at Psychlinks, braveheart. We don't emphasize diagnoses, at least not in most cases. But I have seen you do that here more than once.

I've been told over and over that therapists cannot diagnose.

That depends on the relevant legislation in your specific geographical location and the type of therapist. In Canada, only physicians (including psychiatrists) and licensed psychologists have the legal authority to diagnose.

It may be that my symptoms aside from the depression confuse medics too. They aren't quite sure where to categorise me. So they don't.

I doubt that. I think it far more likely that they don't feel a need to categorize you.

There are some clients in my practice where the issue of diagnosis (differential diagnosis) is important. But in most cases, the only time I construct a formal diagnosis is when I'm required to, e.g., for documentation for insurance claims or disability applications, or for the courts, or when a client specifically asks me for my opinion as to diagnosis. The rest of the time, I'm just treating the client as an individual human being sitting in front of me with issues, symptoms, and/or problems and asking me for assistance.

 

[Grace]

Hello Braveheart

I'm new here - and seem to be spamming the threads - but I've been lurking for a while, knowing THIS forum would be right for me at a future time (which seems to be now). For what it's worth, I've been quite impressed by your own development ...

I tend to forum-hop. I don't think this is a bad thing in any way. I try to put something back into the forums I take from (and, of course, by posting our own issues, we're already contributing). I know you do the same thing.

It's an exact reflection of the way we interact with different people, and various groups, face-to-face throughout our lives. As we change, and our lives follow their individual trajectories, we naturally gravitate towards appropriate people as they do towards us. This is not wrong, it's normal social behaviour.

You seem to put high emphasis on belonging - and of feeling disloyal if you 'leave' a forum. You get this in physical life, too, especially where the groups you're interacting with are defined by their vulnerabilities. That element of your thread resonates with me.

For a long time I was pretty much housebound. The first forum I joined became extremely important to me; my status there mattered hugely. It was almost my only social life, and felt like a means to credibility when I felt worthless. I did help others there, and forum regulars would spring to my defence when I was attacked. It was immensely valuable in that it gave me a line back into social interaction - which, at that time, I could not handle in person. It helped to rebuild my confidence. I'm grateful for it. But I moved on. Had I remained there forever, defined by a certain set of problems, I'd be a failure for that forum - not a success!

Given that forums are, in fact, groups of REAL people interacting in real time, it's unsurprising that they display all the characteristics of any group of humans.

The advantages, as I see it, are:
1. The ability to duck out as and when we want to;
2. The absence of prejudicial factors like age & appearance;
3. Access to a wide & disparate, international pool of sympathetic minds: you'd never get that down your local pub!

The disadvantages are all the same ones you get when linking up with any group of people, anywhere

I'm a writer, too, Braveheart (sometimes paid). It's a tough call, but - whenever you find a place where your work WILL be read, and where you'll get feedback - please try to accept comments & criticisms as they come. To read another's work is a generous act. To comment on it might sometimes be more of an ego trip for your critic than pure selflessness. This, too, is real life! We have no right to expect selflessness of others, and there's something to be learned from every comment if you're willing.

I seem to have waffled quite a bit. Sorry! Put it down to my honeymoon period on psychlinks

In short, I feel you're worrying too much. There! Rule One of writing: be concise (oops)

Cheers,
Grace