Panicking about therapy

[poss]

Hi All,

I'm feeling scared about my therapy relationship. I have just made the transition from seeing my therapist through the national health system to seeing her privately and I wasn't expecting to have to sign a contract and I'm not happy about some of the things in it. She says that she is going to take 10 weeks holiday per year (which I find quite alarming) and that I am only allowed to take 4 weeks and if I take more than that, she will charge me for it!!! I find that really unreasonable. Not that I'll need any more time off than that, but why should she have so much holiday and me so little?

She also emphasized how this is her business and her livelihood etc. and I felt almost offended as it sounded as if it's firstly about the money and secondly about the client. I asked her if I could pay her monthly (I meant paying upfront for the next month) and she said no, in case people run off without paying. And again I felt almost offended at her answer.

I have been seeing her for 2 years and she has been really kind to me and I have seen her as a mother figure and feel quite dependent. The problem is that now I feel resentful of her contract and I feel intimidated that I am on her territory, in her house and I have just found her to be quite harsh, which she never was before. Now I'm feeling wary of her and like I don't trust her like I used to. And if I lose this therapy, I'm going to be stuck with all my dependency issues to deal with on my own. I'm terrified now. I never thought I would get into a situation like this but I feel like I can't leave because I feel too attached and I crave the nice things she has said to me in the past but on the other hand I feel so intimidated and wary now that I'm wondering if it can really work.

Anyone had anything similar? Any advice would be really gratefully received.

Thanks for listening,

Poss

 

[sister-ray]

Hi Poss,

If your not happy with your contract then I would discuss it with the therapist concerned. I must say the holiday thing doesnt sound right, especially the charging you for taking more than 4 weeks holiday that sounds very unfair. Did you see her in her house before or was it at hospital? Im in the UK to and I know the NHS is useless most of the time Im assuming that they have run out of funding for your treatment and that is why your having to pay? Are you working or on benefits because if your on benefits I think paying is unfair.

 

[poss]

Hi Sister-Ray,

Thanks for replying.

I was seeing her at the hospital before and it was a fixed term of 2 years. They were useless really at letting me know what was going on, as at one point my therapist said we could extend our time if it would help me, then she never mentioned it again and when I finally got the courage to ask her, she said it could be extended by a month, which was hardly even worth it. So yeah, I'm having to pay because they can't let me go on any longer and the therapist was also there on a 2 year contract. So either I go back to my GP and start all over again and end up with someone else, or continue to see the same therapist and pay.

I'm not on benefits, I'm at home looking after my daughter at the moment.

I just feel so afraid to bring up things I'm not happy about in the contract because I don't want her to be angry with me or annoyed with me or think that I'm being difficult. I'm just really disappointed and disillusioned really that she had to come up with a contract like that. I didn't expect it of her. And I don't want our relationship to be spoilt over this.

Poss

 

[sister-ray]

Hi again

I wouldnt worry about her being angry with you, your paying now and in my view you have the upper hand, your paying for her services and your not happy so you have the right to complain, its your therapy, dont pay her anything till your happy, why dont you put it in writing to her, set out what your not happy with and tell her want you want and hopefully come to some agreements which your happy with. Do you know if shes a member of any professional organisation that maybe could help if you dont get anywhere with her? Would it be worth going to see your GP and telling him, maybe he could have a chat with her put your feelings across, even though your paying she/he should still have some involvement in your well being. I dont know what else to suggest really, talk to her first and see what happens from there.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm feeling scared about my therapy relationship. I have just made the transition from seeing my therapist through the national health system to seeing her privately and I wasn't expecting to have to sign a contract and I'm not happy about some of the things in it. She says that she is going to take 10 weeks holiday per year (which I find quite alarming) and that I am only allowed to take 4 weeks and if I take more than that, she will charge me for it!!! I find that really unreasonable. Not that I'll need any more time off than that, but why should she have so much holiday and me so little?

I have never heard of such a thing. I would question whether it's even legal. It's certainly not ethical.

Maybe it's time to look for another therapist....

 

[poss]

Good point David about it probably not being legal, I hadn't even thought of that. I'm really surprised at how strict she seems to be. That's not how I thought she would be.

Thanks for the suggestion Sister-Ray about professional organisations. She is a member of the BACP and I'm thinking about calling them and not giving her name but just asking if that is normal or ethical. The annoying thing about her taking 10 weeks holiday is that there is nothing I can do about it. There's no point in me saying I don't like it as she will surely say, take it or leave it. So I don't want to upset things by saying it for the sake of it even though it makes me uncomfortable to sign the contract because of it.

I don't know if I'm going to have the courage to talk to her about it. But I am reconsidering the whole thing now. Maybe I need a break from it, maybe it just can't work out, which leaves me in total despair and hopelessness as this was my one last shot at it...

Poss

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Maybe I need a break from it, maybe it just can't work out, which leaves me in total despair and hopelessness as this was my one last shot at it...

It's never your last shot, poss. She can't possibly be the only therapist in your area.

I know it's difficult to change therapists but staying with one who's making you feel uncomfortable is worse.

 

[Jazzey]

Hi Poss,

I agree with everything Sister-ray and Dr. Baxter have suggested. I'm not convinced that this type of agreement is ethical at the very least.

I know it's hard to change therapists, but I'm hoping you'll keep that as an option for the time being. You don't have to act on it immediately. Or, you could even start seeing someone new as you're still seeing this one until you figure out what you want to do.

At the end of the day, if she's made you uncomfortable you can either try and fix it with her or move to someone else. Typically, in agreements the two parties to the agreement discuss its terms and agree to them...it doesn't sound like this happened here. And you are now paying her as Sister-ray said.

I'm sorry you're going through this right now.

 

[poss]

Hey,

Thanks Jazzey and David for your comments. It's much appreciated. I need all the advice I can get right now.

And the thing is, it's the kind of advice I would give to other people and believe it to be true. But it's always so much different when you're in that situation yourself. I know there is no way around it except to either talk to her about things or leave but I am so terrified of either option that all I can think now is, I just won't go next week. Which was easy when I wasn't paying, but not so easy now. I don't think I can even face seeing her now...

Poss

 

[Into The Light]

poss, i don't think what she did is right. the whole situation feels very wrong to me, and i get the feeling that she's just in it for the money.

how would that work anyway - if you can't miss more than 4 weeks per year, yet she's gone for 10 weeks - does that mean you pay for 6 weeks when she's not even there?

my personal reaction is run and find someone else.

 

[Halo]

Poss,

I definitely say don't sign the contract and run for the hills. I know that paying private therapy is difficult at times but if you are able to afford to see her then I am sure that there are other "better" therapists in your area. You are paying and therefore have the choice of who you want to see and feels like a good fit.

Good luck and take care

 

[poss]

Hi again,

Thanks Halo and Into The Light. I hate being in this position where my head agrees with you but my heart says something else.

This has happened all the way through this therapy. At times along the way it just hasn't felt right. We had some problems at the beginning of the relationship where my therapist was being quite harsh on me and she called me manipulative and said I had no empathy for my husband and it's all me me me. I talked to her supervisor at the time who told my therapist about it. I then had to see her again and she got very defensive and accused me of quitting things when they don't go my way. I was very hurt and very angry but her supervisor said she really wanted me to come back. So I went back and she apologized and her supervisor told me it would be good for us to work through it. So we did and things got better and she became like a mother figure to me. She was so kind and caring and often said she had strong feelings that she wanted to mother me and she wanted to wrap me up and take me home and make me some porridge! I felt overwhelmed by her kindness and that's why I have got so dependent. And now no matter what else she does or says, I cling to those nice things she said and long for her to say them again.

If I had met her now in her private practice with all those rules, I probably would have run in the other direction. But I'm already hooked. And now I don't know how I'm going to get out of it. She seems to have changed. I don't want to see her as this business like person who only cares about money and takes ridiculous amounts of holiday and is unfair about me taking holiday. That's not the person I knew.

I feel like I'm about to lose everything. It's a particularly bad time in other areas of my life and I had waited a month to see her again and now if I don't have her, I feel really alone.

Thanks again for listening,

Poss

 

[Halo]

I know that changing therapists is a really big deal and it is scary...been there myself a couple of times however if something doesn't feel right and you have tried to resolve it with her than maybe it is time to move on.

What would you think of trying to find another therapist that you have a good fit with while still keeping your regular therapist and only terminate once you have found a new therapist? This is what I did when looking for my current therapist and it worked great...the transition wasn't as difficult either and I never felt alone.

Also, please remember that you are never alone because you always have us on here to listen and support you...anytime.

 

[sister-ray]

Poss,

I understand how hard it is for you both on a personal level and also with the funding situation with therapy here in the UK, but after reading yourlast posts I do think it would be better trying to find another therapist. If you can afford to pay you have more choice, have you looked online for other therapists in your area? Also maybe going back to your GP and discussing it with him/her. I had a therapist only for 8 weeks once on the NHS and she did some stuff that I felt wasnt right so I stopped seeing her, I honestly think theres no point in in staying with someone your uncomfortable with in this way. Been as I am in the UK if there is anything I can do to help please ask, but I would go and see your GP and see what he can do to help he may be able to find you another therapist and then you wont feel so alone.

 

[white page]

I know that changing therapists is a really big deal and it is scary...been there myself a couple of times however if something doesn't feel right and you have tried to resolve it with her than maybe it is time to move on.

What would you think of trying to find another therapist that you have a good fit with while still keeping your regular therapist and only terminate once you have found a new therapist? This is what I did when looking for my current therapist and it worked great...the transition wasn't as difficult either and I never felt alone.

Also, please remember that you are never alone because you always have us on here to listen and support you...anytime.

:agree: with Halo ,
This statement from your therapist , would have made me feel very uncomfortable , as my experience of therapy is that my therapist kept very neutral and never expressed anything remotely similar ,

She was so kind and caring and often said she had strong feelings that she wanted to mother me and she wanted to wrap me up and take me home and make me some porridge!

Therapy is all about you , we go because we need help to function , not to make a therapist feel better . :hug:good luck wp

 

[sister-ray]

Heres a search thing for therapists in UK theres no harm in seeing if theres anymore in your area, you could ring up and go and see them, see if you get on with one,, see what you think, I would assume all of these are private and cost money

BACP Seeking a Therapist - Quick Help

 

[Jesse910]

Hi Poss:

I once had a shrink who encouraged me to become dependent upon her. I was her "sick" patient and she wanted to "heal" me. When I attempted to ask questions, she told me not to worry about such things. When I went to my regular doctor to ask questions, the doctor called her and she lashed out at me for seeking help outside of her. I did not have a contract to sign. However, when I finally dared to see another shrink for a second opinion, and discovered that she had misdiagnosed me, she got livid. I never went to her again. Long story short, if your gut is telling you that this doesn't feel right, then it's not. I'm with everyone else, it sounds like it's time to go in a different direction. I don't know the laws in Canada, but in the US, if you're not satisfied with your doctor, you can request another one. This doctor would scare me.

Good luck.

 

[amastie]

Hi poss,

my first reaction was the same as David's - that it doesn't sound legal much less ethical. I would go ahead and contact the BACP to find out about the legality, and medical ethics involved. I'd also tell your doctor and, as hard as it is to deal with the issues in changing therapists, do you really see yourself trusting this one again? Your doctor may be able to help support your through any such transition.

Be gentle with yourself at this time :hug:

 

[poss]

Thanks alot everyone for your support and advice and thanks Sister-Ray for offering your help. I know that there are alot of therapists in my area so I could contact another. I will really be struggling to pay for it, the only reason I thought it was worth the money and worth the struggle was to be able to keep the therapist that I had rather than have to start again with someone else.

I still don't think I can face starting again though. I just can't. This is my second attempt at long-term therapy and I have seen various counsellors and psychologists briefly along the way. I'm tired of trying to get someone to understand.I never feel like anyone quite gets it.

Thanks Jesse for sharing your experience. It does sound a little bit similar although my therapist has been fantastic to me most of the time, which keeps me going back. I do think she has actively encouraged my dependence on her but I thought that was part of the process. I have Borderline and the theory was that if I could learn to realise that someone could 'love' me, then other people could too and I could learn to love myself. And I believed in that. But I did express to my therapist right the way through the therapy that I was afraid of getting in too deep and not getting out again and feeling worse than I did in the first place and I feel that's what's happened now. When I started to open up more and trust in the process, I only did it believing that I would be able to see it through to the end. I'm just gutted that I feel like this having waited a whole month to see her again...it's just not how it used to be.

Poss

 

[Jesse910]

Hi Poss:

Bottom-line, no one can make the choice for you. You have to do what is right for your situation. I do understand the bond that develops in therapy and it is part of the therapeutic process. However, when it's no longer providing you with the means to heal and you're concerned about what's happening, then perhaps, you need to rethink your options. The particular shrink I had literally blew me out of the water. She started out nice too. However, when I started to doubt her opinion and turn to her solely, things became uncomfortable. I took a break from all therapy because I didn't feel that I could trust anyone. It took me several tries before I found a therapist who understood, helped me move forward and on with my life. You have to advocate for what you need and want. If this person isn't helping, then you need to figure out what's the next step. I'm sure that others have been in this holding pattern.

Please be good to yourself.