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Parents, adolescents, and false assumptions
by Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D., Psychology Today
June 27, 2011
False assumptions by parent or teenager cause lots of conflicts
Much misunderstanding and many hurt feelings between parent and adolescent are caused by false assumptions -disturbing explanations created about the other person that prove to be not so.
These assumptions attempt to figure out what is probably going on in the other person's mind or life. Starting in a state of ignorance, they are usually developed and distorted by feelings of insecurity, anxiety, distrust, worry, or suspicion. They are mind reading, and when this guessing wrong is believed and acted on, they can really upset the relationship.
Most commonly they have to do with questions about what the other person is thinking, feeling, or intending. Consider an example of how this misguided kind of communication can cause more problems than it seeks to solve.
It might happen like this. The single parent arrives home later than usual from work frowning like thunder, doesn't return a friendly greeting, doesn't even look at the teenager, but goes directly to her bedroom and closes the door.
Seeing unmistakable signs that something wrong, the teenager wonders if it's him. In search of an explanation, his mind runs on like this. "Maybe she's thinking about when I ran her car out of gas last week. She's probably still feeling angry at me for that. I bet she's intending to refuse me the car for my date this weekend!"
Now his mother comes out of her room, but before she can say anything he explodes: "You never let go of anything! You hold everything against me! And now you're planning to yank the car when it really counts! You are so unfair!"
Thrown back on her heels after receiving this unexpected barrage, she gathers herself for a counter attack. "What are you talking about? What's the matter with you anyway? All you ever want to do is get angry at me! Well, just get over it!"
Now one set of false assumptions has created another. Her mind has been running on like this. "All he ever thinks about is car, car, car, that's all I'm good for! It's been three years and he still wants to get back at me for the divorce! He intends to use my choice to leave a rotten marriage against me for the rest of my life! Well, I'm not going to take it!"
Notice how parent and teenager are reacting to their own false assumptions, not to whatever is actually going on in each other's life. They are both treating worst imaginings as probable truth.
There's a fascinating area of psychology called "attribution theory" that describes how people's best guesses about what is going on in relationships are often based on their worst fears, fears that are founded on ignorance about what is really going on with the other person. The causes they attribute to explain each other's behavior, and the erroneous assumptions that are made, can create a lot of unhappy encounters that take a while to sort out.
Thus, after the mom and teenage son have had their blow up with each other, and they are ready to talk about what is really going on, attribution errors and false assumptions are revealed for what they are. Now, after the fact, they can unravel what went on.
Explains the son: "I figured your storming into the house not speaking to me and going straight to your room meant you were still upset me with me over last week."
Responds the mom: "I was upset, all right, but not at you. We've just been reorganized at work and everyone is back into chaos again. I was upset about that, and rather than take it out in you, I just wanted to lie down for a few minutes of quiet to get myself back together. I had completely forgotten about last week."
"I assumed you were angry at me over the empty gas tank and then jumped to believing you were planning to ground me from the car this weekend," adds the son.
"Well, I did my own assuming," admits the mom. I figured you were you were attacking me over the divorce that you still held against me."
"Mom, the divorce is history. I'm not holding onto that. Besides, it was you and Dad, not just you."
So the lesson to consider is simply this. Whenever you are feeling insecure, distrustful, or otherwise disturbed by whatever may be going on in the other person - what they might be thinking, feeling, or intending -- before committing to that attribution and reacting to your unhappy assumptions, take the time to check them out. Ask the other person if what you are imagining is true. A lot of unhappy encounters can be avoided when you do.
Attribution errors and false assumptions are good examples of how it's often not what parent and adolescent actually know or don't know about each other that gets their relationship in trouble; it's what they "know" that isn't so.
Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D., is a psychologist in Austin, Texas. His most recent books are: The Connected Father: Understanding Your Unique Role and Responsibilities during Your Child's Adolescence, The Future of Your Only Child: How to Guide Your Child to a Happy and Successful Life, and Stop the Screaming: How to Turn Angry Conflict With Your Child into Positive Communication.
by Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D., Psychology Today
June 27, 2011
False assumptions by parent or teenager cause lots of conflicts
Much misunderstanding and many hurt feelings between parent and adolescent are caused by false assumptions -disturbing explanations created about the other person that prove to be not so.
These assumptions attempt to figure out what is probably going on in the other person's mind or life. Starting in a state of ignorance, they are usually developed and distorted by feelings of insecurity, anxiety, distrust, worry, or suspicion. They are mind reading, and when this guessing wrong is believed and acted on, they can really upset the relationship.
Most commonly they have to do with questions about what the other person is thinking, feeling, or intending. Consider an example of how this misguided kind of communication can cause more problems than it seeks to solve.
It might happen like this. The single parent arrives home later than usual from work frowning like thunder, doesn't return a friendly greeting, doesn't even look at the teenager, but goes directly to her bedroom and closes the door.
Seeing unmistakable signs that something wrong, the teenager wonders if it's him. In search of an explanation, his mind runs on like this. "Maybe she's thinking about when I ran her car out of gas last week. She's probably still feeling angry at me for that. I bet she's intending to refuse me the car for my date this weekend!"
Now his mother comes out of her room, but before she can say anything he explodes: "You never let go of anything! You hold everything against me! And now you're planning to yank the car when it really counts! You are so unfair!"
Thrown back on her heels after receiving this unexpected barrage, she gathers herself for a counter attack. "What are you talking about? What's the matter with you anyway? All you ever want to do is get angry at me! Well, just get over it!"
Now one set of false assumptions has created another. Her mind has been running on like this. "All he ever thinks about is car, car, car, that's all I'm good for! It's been three years and he still wants to get back at me for the divorce! He intends to use my choice to leave a rotten marriage against me for the rest of my life! Well, I'm not going to take it!"
Notice how parent and teenager are reacting to their own false assumptions, not to whatever is actually going on in each other's life. They are both treating worst imaginings as probable truth.
There's a fascinating area of psychology called "attribution theory" that describes how people's best guesses about what is going on in relationships are often based on their worst fears, fears that are founded on ignorance about what is really going on with the other person. The causes they attribute to explain each other's behavior, and the erroneous assumptions that are made, can create a lot of unhappy encounters that take a while to sort out.
Thus, after the mom and teenage son have had their blow up with each other, and they are ready to talk about what is really going on, attribution errors and false assumptions are revealed for what they are. Now, after the fact, they can unravel what went on.
Explains the son: "I figured your storming into the house not speaking to me and going straight to your room meant you were still upset me with me over last week."
Responds the mom: "I was upset, all right, but not at you. We've just been reorganized at work and everyone is back into chaos again. I was upset about that, and rather than take it out in you, I just wanted to lie down for a few minutes of quiet to get myself back together. I had completely forgotten about last week."
"I assumed you were angry at me over the empty gas tank and then jumped to believing you were planning to ground me from the car this weekend," adds the son.
"Well, I did my own assuming," admits the mom. I figured you were you were attacking me over the divorce that you still held against me."
"Mom, the divorce is history. I'm not holding onto that. Besides, it was you and Dad, not just you."
So the lesson to consider is simply this. Whenever you are feeling insecure, distrustful, or otherwise disturbed by whatever may be going on in the other person - what they might be thinking, feeling, or intending -- before committing to that attribution and reacting to your unhappy assumptions, take the time to check them out. Ask the other person if what you are imagining is true. A lot of unhappy encounters can be avoided when you do.
Attribution errors and false assumptions are good examples of how it's often not what parent and adolescent actually know or don't know about each other that gets their relationship in trouble; it's what they "know" that isn't so.
Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D., is a psychologist in Austin, Texas. His most recent books are: The Connected Father: Understanding Your Unique Role and Responsibilities during Your Child's Adolescence, The Future of Your Only Child: How to Guide Your Child to a Happy and Successful Life, and Stop the Screaming: How to Turn Angry Conflict With Your Child into Positive Communication.
