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when everything seems okay and you feel just right she comes back you can't just feel okay that is not permitted when you have this disorder.. when you sit down alone in you're house minding your own business in complete calm she strikes you can't be okay that is just not normal... with her.. yes that is how i see my bulimia cause when i am most happy she is there i can't allow myself to be happy.. it is like she knows .. she reminds me that i am bulimic and that i should not be happy.. then the flashes come of my most vulnerable moments and then it happens the need to fill myself up to after purge.. although anorexia is far more deadly the struggle that comes with being bulimic is far more damaging according to me.. cause you don't obtain anything as a bulimic although with anorexia you have the instant gratification that the weight loss gives you sure bulimia has made me feel liberate in some ways but only for a small moment and when that moment is gone you have to start over.. as a bulimic/anorexic.. i live both realities although i noticed only when i struggle in my bulimic phase i reach out for help and want out and mostly i want to be anorexic.. i have never dreamed of being ,.just plane normal.. because the only pattern i lived in was anorexia bulimia or self mutilation at time so of all the one the most deadly is the one that made me feel the most alive.. anorexia .. the one that no one could make me escape .. and now as i sit in front of my computer i can only think once that phase comes back i am lost once again and the chances of my escaping her are slim why do i feel so mixed up in so many lives..
yours truly ashley
 
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Ashley, you put into words a lot of the thoughts that go around in my head. Especially this part:
as a bulimic/anorexic.. i live both realities although i noticed only when i struggle in my bulimic phase i reach out for help and want out and mostly i want to be anorexic

the chances of my escaping her are slim why do i feel so mixed up in so many lives..

I believe you can escape with a lot of hard work, most of all with some help from your doctors and nutritionist and therapist. I understand it is hard, but don't give up.
 

foghlaim

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I believe you can escape with a lot of hard work, most of all with some help from your doctors and nutritionist and therapist. I understand it is hard, but don't give up.

I agree with Janet.. Ashley.. while it's feels so hard and difficult, hang in there and reach out to the help that's there for you.

hope you feel better soon.
best wishes ,
nsa
 

Halo

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Hi Ashley-Kate

I don't have any miracle answers for you but just wanted to say that I hope that things get better for you and are you not going to see a new nutrionist and therapist this week? I may be wrong but I thought that you posted something along those lines.

Anyway, I hope that you take care and that the help that you need and want comes through for you.
 
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well yes you are right nancy i do have an appointmet this week and that is what is keeping me going i think that i have the assurance that someone will be there to listen and understand somewhat what i am living
thanks ashley
 

ThatLady

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I'll be looking forward to hearing how your appointment goes, Ashley! I'm really proud of you for the efforts you're making toward getting better. :)
 

Halo

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Hi Ashley-Kate,

I was pretty sure that your appointment was this week and I have to agree with TL that I too am proud of you for the steps that you are taking to get better.

I look forward to hearing from you after your appointment, or before if you are anything like me and start to get really nervous and need to vent a bit. Either way, talk to you soon.

Take Care
 
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hi hi hi yeah nancy i guess i am like you io was just comming on to tell everyone that i am really nervous i only met the nutritionnist in a hospital i don,t know what they are like out in out patient treatment what will she say will she judge me will she lose hope will she trust me and ultimatly will she understand and be able to help me get through this like i am soo completly nervous i am seeing her in less than 27 hours like really i am sooo nervous i guess this is a good time ot go to the gym and blow of steam instead of going to burn off energie i will finally have a good reason to go... lol.. little joke there i get sort of carried away when i am nervous but at least i have not entered the irritating part of my being nervous .. i don't know what to expect i hate doing things without knowing what will happne
yours trully ashley
 

Halo

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Hi Ashley-Kate,

I know how the nerves can take over as I was recently in the same position about seeing a new psych and to tell you the truth the lead up to the appt with the anxiety was much worse than the actual appointment. Once I was there I was still anxious but not as much as the lead up to not knowing what to expect. I know that you are nervous and that is okay and I am pretty sure normal. I think that coming on here and letting some of that nervousness about is a good thing.

I know that you will do fine and don't worry about the person judging you as I am sure that they see many, many people just like you and their main goal is to help you get better...which you will with hard work. I believe that.

Anyway, yes maybe going to the gym to work out the anxiousness instead of for other reasons would be good. Also, don't forget your suggestions to TLC about going for a walk/run. That is good as well.

If I don't talk to you before you go, take care and good luck. My thoughts will be
with you.
 

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