Ashley-Kate
MVP
when everything seems okay and you feel just right she comes back you can't just feel okay that is not permitted when you have this disorder.. when you sit down alone in you're house minding your own business in complete calm she strikes you can't be okay that is just not normal... with her.. yes that is how i see my bulimia cause when i am most happy she is there i can't allow myself to be happy.. it is like she knows .. she reminds me that i am bulimic and that i should not be happy.. then the flashes come of my most vulnerable moments and then it happens the need to fill myself up to after purge.. although anorexia is far more deadly the struggle that comes with being bulimic is far more damaging according to me.. cause you don't obtain anything as a bulimic although with anorexia you have the instant gratification that the weight loss gives you sure bulimia has made me feel liberate in some ways but only for a small moment and when that moment is gone you have to start over.. as a bulimic/anorexic.. i live both realities although i noticed only when i struggle in my bulimic phase i reach out for help and want out and mostly i want to be anorexic.. i have never dreamed of being ,.just plane normal.. because the only pattern i lived in was anorexia bulimia or self mutilation at time so of all the one the most deadly is the one that made me feel the most alive.. anorexia .. the one that no one could make me escape .. and now as i sit in front of my computer i can only think once that phase comes back i am lost once again and the chances of my escaping her are slim why do i feel so mixed up in so many lives..
yours truly ashley
yours truly ashley