I am 29 years old, with two wonderful kids. We have fought through many things together, lived with an abusive man for way too long. I have fought hard over the years to survive as a child, finding ways to get by the violence, shame, hurt, fear that I lived with from as little as I can recall. I stood in a court room, without representation, to fight for my kids and what I believe in. I have done hours of research in regards to law, regards to my son's illness, prepared book reports for the school, his teachers, for anyone that needs to understand what HE goes through everyday of his life. I have stood up to the man that abused us for years only to be threatened and knocked down by him, but no, I got back up and fought. I won, not really won though....I stood by my children, never stopped believing that they deserved better. And I still fight for them. I stand by my ground and have never stopped in helping my son receive the medical care he deserves....and after years of battling, he is now getting this much needed care.
I have put aside my feelings and gone several times to my parents home to help them while my mother was so ill. I helped build their recent home, didn't matter that I was just in the ER department, two days earlier, with a serious chest infection, fevers, etc, which landed me on IV's for a week after I returned home.I kept painting, hammering down floors, staying up until all hours to get finished what they needed help with. I stayed up doing house work for my mom. I tried to do all possible, I thought we were going to lose her. And as hard as it was to even be around my father, I stayed as I could not leave her when she was so ill. The entire time I was helping them, it was constant: not good enough, or "look at this mess!" Next thing I knew something was flying towards my head. The maddening part was it was usually his mistakes, I had nothing to do with it. I just got used to ducking or disappearing when he came around. I mean a piece of wood can hurt when it hits. Why I stayed, my mom. As much as I wanted to throw it right back at him....I was scared and still am.
And now, this person that fought through all of this....she is this cowardly sick woman who acts like a little lost kid. How can I be so afraid of going to a hospital? Past experience? Maybe. I don't know but I feel ill. I mean this anxiety is making my stomach ill. And my head is throbbing, I have no idea how to calm down and look at the big picture. What am I so afraid of, who am I afraid of? My doctor said I was hiding....but from what?
So where did this girl go anyway? I don't think I should get a hero cookie or anything....but suddenly these walls have crashed down. I can't hide the hurt anymore. Whats happening to me?? I worked so hard to build up these walls, and they have been torn down. Is it maybe that all of these hands that are reaching out to me have grabbed me so hard that I can't pull away? Does this mean that I do have something inside that wants more than this for us? And it scares the hell out of me: my walls have crashed and everyone can see me. NOOOO, I don't want everyone to know whats inside. Will everyone hate me, blame me? My happy mask isn't working, can't fool everyone any longer. This is such an uncomfortable feeling. Its like being wide open for anyone to take a shot at. What is going on, why am I losing control? Anyone...please??
Haunting
I have put aside my feelings and gone several times to my parents home to help them while my mother was so ill. I helped build their recent home, didn't matter that I was just in the ER department, two days earlier, with a serious chest infection, fevers, etc, which landed me on IV's for a week after I returned home.I kept painting, hammering down floors, staying up until all hours to get finished what they needed help with. I stayed up doing house work for my mom. I tried to do all possible, I thought we were going to lose her. And as hard as it was to even be around my father, I stayed as I could not leave her when she was so ill. The entire time I was helping them, it was constant: not good enough, or "look at this mess!" Next thing I knew something was flying towards my head. The maddening part was it was usually his mistakes, I had nothing to do with it. I just got used to ducking or disappearing when he came around. I mean a piece of wood can hurt when it hits. Why I stayed, my mom. As much as I wanted to throw it right back at him....I was scared and still am.
And now, this person that fought through all of this....she is this cowardly sick woman who acts like a little lost kid. How can I be so afraid of going to a hospital? Past experience? Maybe. I don't know but I feel ill. I mean this anxiety is making my stomach ill. And my head is throbbing, I have no idea how to calm down and look at the big picture. What am I so afraid of, who am I afraid of? My doctor said I was hiding....but from what?
So where did this girl go anyway? I don't think I should get a hero cookie or anything....but suddenly these walls have crashed down. I can't hide the hurt anymore. Whats happening to me?? I worked so hard to build up these walls, and they have been torn down. Is it maybe that all of these hands that are reaching out to me have grabbed me so hard that I can't pull away? Does this mean that I do have something inside that wants more than this for us? And it scares the hell out of me: my walls have crashed and everyone can see me. NOOOO, I don't want everyone to know whats inside. Will everyone hate me, blame me? My happy mask isn't working, can't fool everyone any longer. This is such an uncomfortable feeling. Its like being wide open for anyone to take a shot at. What is going on, why am I losing control? Anyone...please??
Haunting
