IAmStillHere
Member
I am starting treatment for personality disorder NOS with borderline features next week. I'm so scared as i don't know what to expect and I'm terrified of failing and of being a disappointment. I have a meeting with the psychologist running the group to go over rules and overall functionning, then I attend group. the next day i have a meeting with the psychiatrist for individual therapy. he is a well known expert on BPD and Bipolar dispoder and I feel afraid to open up to him on an emotional level.
Right now I feel really depressed. I just woke up form a nap, and when I do I often feel a lot of anguish. I feel afraid and alone. I haven't spoken to my family for a couple of weeks cause I feel angry and ashamed. My sister called and I sent her an email saying I wasn't well and felt I couldn't talk and she didn't reply. I got into a fight with my mother a few weeks ago and I feel it's too hard to talk. I'm too hurt and angry.
Never has my family attempt to REALLY help me get better. Now that I had a diagnosis from 2 different specialists (I saught help alone), they still don't really try to be more present or to better their communication skills or read up on borderline traits on the internet, etc.... My sister will make fun of what I wear, for example. my mother will pretend like everyhting is ok, even if it isn't.
example, 2 weeks ago I had a fight with her about this:
I went to visit my mother and her husband in Mexico last winter (they spend their winters there) and her husband kept teasing me. he does this ON PURPOSE becasue he knows I get easily hurt. He told me "you have funny hair", then "oh, you have spots (pimples)", then at night, we were walking around downtown and he was rushing everybody from shop to shop (I found this really hard), and all of a sudden he stops, puts his hands on my shouldres quite harshly and pushes down, looks me dead square in the eyes, and says: "YOUR HAIR LOOKS AWEFUL!"... I felt SO HUMILISTED AND HURT.. I said: "well, *I* need to like my hair, not YOU". then he walked away and I stated CRYING, it felt so PAINFUL (BTW I had a verbally / emotionally / physically / possibly sexually (for SURE there was some emotinal incest) abusive father). I was STUCK in Mexico and I wanted to go home. My mom tried to console me somewhat, told me he was a BULLY (something she will rarelly admit to) and ended up confiding in me on how much of a bully he was, and also tiptoeing from my appartement to theirs. That week I decided I would NEVER attempt emotional colseness with him again. I wrtoe him a short note, saying what he did hurt me, and that I didn't want to hold grudges but I also didn,t want to be close to him anymore. He threw a tantrum that lasted 3 days, stomped around, yelled, and now I am afraid to call my mother cause when he answers he is cold and unpleasant to me. I just try to be polite and pleasant, but he doesn't.
My sister and brother go to their cottage but I cannot because of what happened (above). my mom says she supports me but she never puts me first. then my sister comes and tells me how my mom told her husband her children come first. How come my mom doesn't tell ME about those conversations?
I also feel really incompetent and scared for my future. every single little thing scares me right now and I feel really out of control and ashamed and different. I think of every little insecurity I have. I think of every little fear and apprehension I feel. I feel so incompetent and scared and ashamed that I cannot feel like I can move foward in my life.
I wanna go back to school, but I am SO scared. I studied to be a teacher and now I don't want to do that. I did that cause I thought it would be a key to getting better in life. My mother used to tell me, "get a degree and then you can do whatever you want in life". NOT true. I can be a teacher with my teaching degree and I don't enjoy it and it is VERY stressful. I feel like a failure for not being able to handle stress. My mother feels she supported me because she paid for my tuition, and now I feel like I owe her something. I feel like she hasn't supported me much, because she has always invalidated me (my feelings and experiences).
I have another job that I got training for (*I* paid for it) and I have clients on the side and love it but I have little self-confidence. My mother has showed very little interest or pride for this trade that I do. It hurts me. I haven't advertised much cause I'm scared and up and down a lot emotinally. Plus, since I work as a substitute teacher to pay the bills, I am often exhausted.
I feel that because I have borderline traits, I must be just looking for someone to blame and making it all up. My mother told me all my life how this and that is "just" my perception of things. I have pretty much no friends at this point cause I cannot trust relationships and people and it usually goes bad (arguments or just drifting apart). I am so lonely and confused. I'm tired of feeling afraid and confused.
Right now I feel really depressed. I just woke up form a nap, and when I do I often feel a lot of anguish. I feel afraid and alone. I haven't spoken to my family for a couple of weeks cause I feel angry and ashamed. My sister called and I sent her an email saying I wasn't well and felt I couldn't talk and she didn't reply. I got into a fight with my mother a few weeks ago and I feel it's too hard to talk. I'm too hurt and angry.
Never has my family attempt to REALLY help me get better. Now that I had a diagnosis from 2 different specialists (I saught help alone), they still don't really try to be more present or to better their communication skills or read up on borderline traits on the internet, etc.... My sister will make fun of what I wear, for example. my mother will pretend like everyhting is ok, even if it isn't.
example, 2 weeks ago I had a fight with her about this:
I went to visit my mother and her husband in Mexico last winter (they spend their winters there) and her husband kept teasing me. he does this ON PURPOSE becasue he knows I get easily hurt. He told me "you have funny hair", then "oh, you have spots (pimples)", then at night, we were walking around downtown and he was rushing everybody from shop to shop (I found this really hard), and all of a sudden he stops, puts his hands on my shouldres quite harshly and pushes down, looks me dead square in the eyes, and says: "YOUR HAIR LOOKS AWEFUL!"... I felt SO HUMILISTED AND HURT.. I said: "well, *I* need to like my hair, not YOU". then he walked away and I stated CRYING, it felt so PAINFUL (BTW I had a verbally / emotionally / physically / possibly sexually (for SURE there was some emotinal incest) abusive father). I was STUCK in Mexico and I wanted to go home. My mom tried to console me somewhat, told me he was a BULLY (something she will rarelly admit to) and ended up confiding in me on how much of a bully he was, and also tiptoeing from my appartement to theirs. That week I decided I would NEVER attempt emotional colseness with him again. I wrtoe him a short note, saying what he did hurt me, and that I didn't want to hold grudges but I also didn,t want to be close to him anymore. He threw a tantrum that lasted 3 days, stomped around, yelled, and now I am afraid to call my mother cause when he answers he is cold and unpleasant to me. I just try to be polite and pleasant, but he doesn't.
My sister and brother go to their cottage but I cannot because of what happened (above). my mom says she supports me but she never puts me first. then my sister comes and tells me how my mom told her husband her children come first. How come my mom doesn't tell ME about those conversations?
I also feel really incompetent and scared for my future. every single little thing scares me right now and I feel really out of control and ashamed and different. I think of every little insecurity I have. I think of every little fear and apprehension I feel. I feel so incompetent and scared and ashamed that I cannot feel like I can move foward in my life.
I wanna go back to school, but I am SO scared. I studied to be a teacher and now I don't want to do that. I did that cause I thought it would be a key to getting better in life. My mother used to tell me, "get a degree and then you can do whatever you want in life". NOT true. I can be a teacher with my teaching degree and I don't enjoy it and it is VERY stressful. I feel like a failure for not being able to handle stress. My mother feels she supported me because she paid for my tuition, and now I feel like I owe her something. I feel like she hasn't supported me much, because she has always invalidated me (my feelings and experiences).
I have another job that I got training for (*I* paid for it) and I have clients on the side and love it but I have little self-confidence. My mother has showed very little interest or pride for this trade that I do. It hurts me. I haven't advertised much cause I'm scared and up and down a lot emotinally. Plus, since I work as a substitute teacher to pay the bills, I am often exhausted.
I feel that because I have borderline traits, I must be just looking for someone to blame and making it all up. My mother told me all my life how this and that is "just" my perception of things. I have pretty much no friends at this point cause I cannot trust relationships and people and it usually goes bad (arguments or just drifting apart). I am so lonely and confused. I'm tired of feeling afraid and confused.
In the meantime, try not to think too far in advance- baby steps.