More threads by mythkeeper

Hello everyone! I've been lurking and reading your board and think it is great, but now I have to ask for help.

Warning, this is rather long, but needs to be to make it clear and to present all sides.

I met a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, kind, and warm man about 17 months ago. For a year we had a truly blissful, extremely harmonious, very open to talking about feelings, and very close :hug: relationship. We love one another very much and both say we have never had a relationship like this. Our sex life was/is? spectacular and intense, both with emotion and physicality Heaven. He works in the mental health profession as a case worker and is well acquainted with psychological concepts. Four months ago I moved into his house that he shares 1/2 time with his 16 year old son.

Everything has changed. To set this up, I must give some background. I had been taking Wellbutrin, then WellbutrinXL for three years. Due to insurance and financial concerns I quit taking it in August and went through terrible withdrawal and fell flat on by face as far as depression goes. I had trouble motivating myself to do much of anything, was irritable, tired, and generally upset about many things. Work is a huge stressor and has been a bitch lately. I have had to take anti-depressants for over 15 years because of moderate to extreme depressive episodes. Normally, when I have been mildly depressed for a few days, my partner had been supportive, willing to talk, understanding, etc. Lately he has been withdrawn, quiet, not very affectionate and not very much in the mood for real communication.

The other thing is this. I am slightly messy, he is a neat freak. I am prone to leaving a cup sitting with only a small amount left over, I don't always flush the toilet after peeing to save water, I leave things laying around like coats, purses, etc. Also, I moved some of my things into his already furnished house and I am a craftsperson who likes to work on projects and yes, leave this out till I am finished. Keep in mind of course that he leaves hair in the sink when he shaves and sometimes doesn't take all cups and glasses back to kitchen right away. I have been cleaning, vacuuming, mopping, etc., more that he has over the past few months, even when I don't feel the slightest like doing it. I have a cat and I am the one who cleans up after her and I do stay on it.
I also am very kind and nurturing to him which is very different from his ex-wife who was a bitch and yelled and screamed constantly.
Here is where it gets messy. Friday night he woke me up because he was talking in his sleep and here is what he said:

"Why don't you flush the toilet, what's wrong with you, I don't care."

And then, the worst"

"What is wrong with you? Why don't you clean up every now and again, you stupid bitch? I hate you, why don't you leave?"
This was said in a desperate tone, somewhere between angry and almost crying like a child who is angry and hurt all at the same time.

I am devastated to say the least.:( When I confronted him with it, his first response was, "I didn't say that." When I assured him he did, he said, "I'm not responsible for what I say in my sleep, what do you want from me?" This led to a discussion about my so called bad habits and messiness, I reminded him that he had some irritating habits. This was cool, except that it led no where really but you can be sure that I cleaned the house top to bottom even with a bad cold and that I HAVE BEEN VERY careful about the messiness.:rolleyes: I have lost alot of trust here and I have also pulled back some, relating is a strain and I feel as I am acting like I feel great, but really I feel crappy. Any move to try to talk this out leads to "I'm tired of talking about everything." He is also more withdrawn, staying on the computer alot more, and saying much less.

Please help me to sort this out. I love this man very, very much and will do anything to get things back on track. What does it mean when a person says these things in their sleep? Are they partly truely how the person feels and do they mean it?
What should I do and how should I act? Why is everything so difficult when for a solid year it was peaches and cream?

Any help would be so greatly appreciated that I cannot express enough gratitude.


David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
Mythkeeper, this seems to me to be a perfect case for couples counseling. The things you are describing are the normal irritations of living with another person when you are unwilling or unable to talk about them directly without having it escalate into an argument and increasing hurt feelings. A competent couples counselor can do a lot to help you iron out the wrinkles in this relationship, especially by helping you with communication skills and more effective conflict resolution.

Some books that you may find helpful:

Another factor is that it IS difficult to live with someone who is depressed - there's no escaping that fact. Additionally, you indicate that you have had a lot of stress at work and you have discontinued your medication. It may be time to get back to your doctor and talk to him/her about returning to medication, not necessarily Wellbutrin (if you were having difficulty with that before) but something to assist you in coping with depression and stress.
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