Possible Depression caused by Emotional Loss?

[Emotions_Blocked]

Hello.

I suppose Frequent readers have read my story. Maybe some even think i'm getting a bit irritating (apologies in advance). I have been out of a 3 month relationship almost 2 months ago. Since then i have been experiencing intense grief. Of course my appetite and sleep are influenced (as they are whenever i face any stressfull situation thats SO annoying) but not in a level that is dangerous for my health. I can still sleep for 7 hours at nights and eat breakfast/lunch/dinner. Not with great appetite though.

My main physical problems focus at the morning time. At the moment i wake up, just 10 seconds after, my Ex comes in mind. I am still trying to revive, explain, blame (myself or her) about how things went, think of a "mental exit plan" that will allow me to say "It's not my fault. I tried. The thing wasn't going to work anyway". My stomach gets stressed and i have no appetite at all for like an hour. Slowly as day passes, i get better and better. At night i feel the most relaxed, although i am still thinking of her constantly.

Recently, i read a REALLY interesting and REALLY helpful book at Psychological Self-Help - Table of Contents (its freely available for download as pdf).

I have reasons to believe that my current "blues" state was existent even before i met my Ex girlfriend. It's just that the loss of her triggered it. I was actually afraid that this would happen some day thats why i was avoiding to bond with girls or i was trying to end relationships "safely".

Some of my thoughts about why i think i have depression are:

1. i find most of my friends boring.
2. i find most of the activities boring, unless i have some strong motivation to do them.That motivation is usually a girlfriend and a girlfriend only (for example, work out to have more beautiful body).
3. i find my house, my life, my country, environment, BORING

Since i have broken up, i didn't have the mood to travel or go somewhere or change scenery. Maybe i didn't have the possiblity also.

I think that some root of my problems lie in the fact that i always wanted to live alone, travel abroad and gain experiences.

Now, within 2-3 weeks, i have the opportunity to study abroad, so most of my wishes will come true. I think that this radical change of country will help me. On the other hand, what scares me is that i will be there alone, so i feel more "vulnerable". I don't have my parents to help me if something goes wrong. it sounds SO stupid but maybe i'm depended on them subconsiously. I have always lived with my folks and i'm 25 yrs old.

I am constantly thinking that if i went abroad, i'd like to meet a girl and move in with her. So, in a way, i want to live "alone", but it's like i'm replacing my folks with a woman, isn't it?

Is that "wrong" per say? Since the last 2 years i always wanted to have a passionate love leading to a long-term relationship. A woman by my side. I was fixated about that. My whole life maybe was about that.

You can imagine what that means from the moment i broke up with my ex. It's like i'm down to zero again. or even lower.


ps: many thoughts and long post... sorry.. but it feels nice to open up.
ps2: recently i discovered it feels nice to help others also..nice feeling.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Wanting someone to share your life with, wanting someone with whom you can feel emotionally and spiritually connected is normal. Grieving the loss of someone with whom you thought this was possible is also normal and it takes time to work through that loss, not only the loss of the actual relationship but also the loss of the dream of what that relationship might have been.

The danger is that if you are feeling this need as intensely as you seem to be, you might be setting yourself up for further hurt and disappointment. When one is desperate for a relationship, one is more likely to overlook the early warning signs that the relationship is unhealthy or simply wrong for you.

We all need eventually to learn how to enjoy our own solitude and to feel okay without relying on another person to feel that way. When you reach that point, you will find you make better choices in terms of who you allow into your life, both friends and intimate partners.

 

[Emotions_Blocked]

We all need eventually to learn how to enjoy our own solitude and to feel okay without relying on another person to feel that way. When you reach that point, you will find you make better choices in terms of who you allow into your life, both friends and intimate partners.

thanks.. i believe thats the root of the issue..!
Although hard to do. I feel that urge to be with someone and in love so much that nothing else is compared to that..

David,
i would like to know, when theoretically someone is actually in a place of making a good choice for a relationship, then what are the signs that the relationship is unhealthy or wrong?

I mean, when should someone actually "break up" ?
I am asking cause friends and family have accused me several times of easy-breaking up-easy quitting etc

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That's not a "25 words or less" kind of answer. To some extent, we all probably have a tendency to be somewhat "blinded" to warning signs when starting a new relationship. That's why it's good advice to take it slowly and not to rush into anything new. I'm not sure I could generate a list of things to look for other than to pay attention to your new partner's values and goals and to what "feels right" for you.

 

[Emotions_Blocked]

No i suppose there is no such list .. :-/ (unfortunately!)
I believe in most cases you have to give it time as you said. But still, you can't actually hold back much. Cause if you hold back, the other person may not present his real self..Or you may end up wondering if the relationship didn't work because you weren't giving that much to it.
That means you have to spend time, open up, thus finally, even if you realise it's not the right person for you, you'll get hurt anyway if you end the relationship... There's no safe way to go through this

although i have a short list i should worry about from now on, even though some may debate i shouldn't :
1. emotional background. many ex partners. no long-term relationships
2. self-esteem issues presented in various ways
3. really fast display of feelings based on enthousiasm rather than personality connection
4. mid-relationship issues : loss of respect . sudden change of feelings . [of course these are more general]

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't think it's ever hopeless.

 

[Into The Light]

this might be a good time for you to discover yourself, now that you are single again. travelling abroad sounds like it would be an amazing experience. you don't need another person to be whole. the right person enriches your life but aren't required for loving yourself.

do you think maybe you are wanting to be in a relationship for fear of being alone?

 

[Emotions_Blocked]

yes, very likely. although everyones sais i have always been a lonely child, (wasnt until 16 at school that i became social), these last couple of years i YEARN for a relationship..I'm 25 and my fear of abandonment didn't let me have any actual CLOSE relationships at all.. (except the last one). Maybe that's why my need is so big.
And i thought it was just hunger for love, but it seems now that it's also the need for someone to be near me, to plan her future with me, to walk the track of life with me..I find it a lot more interesting than being alone..

 

[Into The Light]

it sounds like your fear of abandonment is the source of your difficulties. do you think you would be willing to explore that with a therapist?

 

[Emotions_Blocked]

I have talked to one or two but they didnt focus on that...
Since then i've read books and i'm willing to try self-help and methods of overcoming it on my own.. By giving more time and space to other person. By building more self-confidence through experiences.
You know, i have the suspicion that on this last relationship, by over-trying to win that fear,i didn't pay attention to red flags which normally would alert most of the people.
It's like I tried to move from one end to the other...

 

[Lana]

Hi EB;

To add to the replies of others here, I would explore this "big need" that you speak off. From my own experience, wanting a relationship and wanting to be with a person that compliments you, is very different from needing to be with someone. The latter, sorry to say, is more selfish and has nothing to do with the other person.

When you "need" a relationship, the focus is fulfilling your own need and your own criteria of a picture-perfect-partner. Problem with that is that partners are rarely perfect (which actually is a good thing).

Now, when you "want" to be with a partner, it signals acceptance of another as imperfect as they are -- but perfect for you.

As to "when should you break up?" question -- when neither you or your partner can be yourselves and feel like you have to live up to some list of items. So while I can appreciate your list of what the other partner should have or be, your own past cannot be dismissed either. Use your past to learn the valuable lessons, but I don't recommend living it it -- it'll only lead you to repeat the same mistakes.

 

[Into The Light]

I have talked to one or two but they didnt focus on that...

this really stood out from your post to me. the question is why did they not focus on this. were you able to articulate that this is what you need help with? did they know that this is what you need?

crucial to the success of therapy is the right therapist-client fit. my therapist always tells me i'm in charge of what we work on and where we go with things. of course she needed to know what i needed, and i have had to work hard to tell her, because in the beginning i didn't even know how to begin to tell her. but i think you have a good grasp on what you are in need of.

my point is this: find a therapist you feel would be a good fit for you, and find a way to express to them what you really need from them.

i hope this helps

 

[Emotions_Blocked]

Thanks everyone for the replies!

_Lana, i really get what you're saying.. and i agree to almost everything.
Acceptance of the imperfect person - that seems perfect to us as you said is the key point and maybe the definition of love..fully agree.
_On the other hand, I suppose everyone has some criteria, things, values or ethics he'd like his/her partner to have..If it wouldn't be like that everyone would date everyone right? From my little experience, I can notice patterns between someone's past and future actions. As i can notice patterns in my actions of course.
_And at the same time, everyone should try to get better. Doesn't the phrase "we have to find someone who can accept our faults" my ex said sounds a bit naive/selfish?
_I'm thinking, maybe it's that when you are desperate for a relationship, you ignore your standards. You ignore the red flags, you make choices based on impulse or just maybe on Looks and not on solid facts/characters. But i still wonder, what is actually love and what's it's connection with reason and logic? Quite complex. Love is blind, but then you need you keep your eyes open for the relationship to work.
I believe i'm getting really worn-off from trying to draw conclusions. One thought cancels the other. And some of them scare the hell out of me cause they mean "you messed it up. you lost her. its your fault." And then it's all over from the start..
I'm battling in two fields, in one i'm trying to move on after the breakup, and in the other i'm trying to understant/accept my psychological problems. One interferes with the other, making the situation an endless loop thats goes like:
I have a problem -> It's my fault that the relationship didnt work out -> it could work out -> I lost a woman who i dreamt spending years with -> hmm what if i tried to get back to her after some time? (practically impossible) -> self-harming thoughts..
We both had issues -> but i tried -> it's not completely my fault -> i'll work out myself and i'll find someone better .(will i?) -> anyway she's still thinking of me. (selfish egoistic thoughts ease the pain)

Into The Light : Yes maybe you're right. I didn't point them to that direction. I only had a couple of visits though to 2 different ones. I'm afraid the cost of the therapy is a bit high, i'm still a student..


@everyone : extreme brainstorming, really sorry for the length of my posts.

 

[Into The Light]

try to look at this as a life experience. you lost someone, that hurts, of course it does. but there is no point in blaming yourself, or thinking "what if i had done this, or that".

it takes two people to make a relationship work.

at this point in time, for the both of you, you weren't right for each other. that doesn't make you a bad person, or her. it just didn't work out, and as painful as that is, it is okay. it doesn't make you a lesser person.

of course everyone has certain values and criteria, and you cannot blindly ignore those. there are some things you need a potential partner to have similar views on, or else it's just not going to work. as you date you get to know them better and discover things about them.

a person that is right for you would be someone you could discuss your values with, and you will find out how much they have the same values (or not).

i think this is something that you can discover fairly early on in the dating process. not on the first date, that would be too much, but after a relatively short time if you are having fun together and are enjoying each other's company, that kind of thing will naturally come up in your conversations.

i didn't realize you are a student, i understand now it's tricky finding a therapist due to finances. what are your options for on campus counsellors?

don't blame yourself for the failure of the relationship. grieve the loss of it, and the loss of what could have been, but also know that you always have another chance at finding the right person for you. she wasn't it, but there is someone out there who is.

 

[Lana]

_On the other hand, I suppose everyone has some criteria, things, values or ethics he'd like his/her partner to have..If it wouldn't be like that everyone would date everyone right?

You're absolutely correct about that, but I think that similar values, ideals and so on are part of the attraction in the first place. So, would everyone date everyone if it wasn't like that? No, I don't think they would...at least not for very long because they wouldn't have anything in common to lean on once the newness of relationship has worn off.

_And at the same time, everyone should try to get better. Doesn't the phrase "we have to find someone who can accept our faults" my ex said sounds a bit naive/selfish?

I don't quite agree with that either. We have to be comfortable and familiar with our own "faults" and ideally, see them as personality quirks rather then faults. To expect others to accept those traits while you yourself are not accepting them is asking for trouble. What may happen is a division between acceptance as was the case in your relationship. You told her how wonderful you thought she was and she didn't believe you, because she herself did not think that way of herself. So, you tell me, do you think it was naiive or selfish?

_I'm thinking, maybe it's that when you are desperate for a relationship, you ignore your standards. You ignore the red flags, you make choices based on impulse or just maybe on Looks and not on solid facts/characters.

I am in complete agreement with this. It's like that with all our needs -- they overshadow everything else. It's akin to a junkie looking for his or her next fix....with no regard as to what they have to do to get it...absolutely none...their need is the only need...everyone else just doesn't exist.

But i still wonder, what is actually love and what's it's connection with reason and logic? Quite complex. Love is blind, but then you need you keep your eyes open for the relationship to work.

No one has been able to answer exactly what love is or how it is maifested. The only consensus was that it is different things for different people. So, if there are a billion people, there will be a billion of definitions. When you know yourself, your limitations, your strengths, your ideals, your values, your goals, your true inner core, you will know love. Not only will you be able to love others then, but you may find that you're much more selective as to whom you will share that self with...not out of need, but out of love and respect for yourself and others. You won't need the admirations of masses to feel loved or valued...but you will also be able to treasure and value when such is given to you by another.

So, EB, stop looking for faults in you or her. All you're doing is indulging in a blame game and trying to rationalize your and her insecurities. Maybe she was just like you. Maybe her insecurity, tripped your own. Flirting and flattery are all fine and good, but they do not constitute a relationship. Ends are always sad. But they're also wonderful opportunities to learn about yourself and reinvent the new and improved you....instead of wasting time trying to tear the past down.

 

[Emotions_Blocked]

You told her how wonderful you thought she was and she didn't believe you, because she herself did not think that way of herself. So, you tell me, do you think it was naiive or selfish?

that one really hit the spot...!!..
i hadnt seen that perspective before as simple as it seems...

there was nothing i could do/say to convince her she's a wonderful person.. and i ended up trying and trying and giving more and more but that afterall made things even worse.
wicked scenario..

Thanks Lana & Into The Light

 

[Emotions_Blocked]

I m sorry to bring this up... i just didnt want to open a new topic just for me..

The time to move ahead and travel abroad, live alone and study alone is getting closer but dammit..... i m having doubts again.... i m thinking... am i doing this just to get over my ex... or am i going to have fun?... what is going to happen..Will i manage to meet someone? (a she).
etc etc...
As i move along and feel a BIT better about the EX thing, my need to be with someone and share my life with becomes intense again...

 

[Lana]

There's no need to be sorry, EB. That's what this forum is for.

Your need to share your life is normal. You may feel a sharper need right now because your'e still in the grieving process of loosing your previous relationship. That will take time so be patient with yourself. I think that a relationship so soon after the last one may be a rebound. So, don't rush it. You're just missing what you thought you had with your ex-girlfriend.

Hang in there and keep talking to us. In the meantime, find joys in being in your own company....if you can master that, you will be less likely to end up in a relationship out of need and more likely because you want to.

 

[Emotions_Blocked]

oh i so feel the need for a warm caring hug, nothing more than that..

 

[Lana]

:hug: the best I can do here and now.

Hugs, as wonderful as they are, are not good enough reason to enter into a relationship. However, hugs are a great way to express care to people that are already in your life...and you get them back. So, why not hug someone you already know?