• Quote of the Day
    "Don't let what you can't do interfere with what you can do."
    John Wooden, posted by David Baxter

foghlaim

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I'm not sure how to phrase this right..
last night i realised i had another reason for Si. it's stupid i know but it the way i feel.

i actually like doing it because it makes me feel alive in some ways. and i like the feel of the marks after a day or two. sometimes I'm not even aware i have done it, but other times it's a conscious decision.

now i know it's not right to feel like this but i do, how do i change the way i think about doing this, now that i have recognised that fact.

i have read the threads on how to avoid doing it and sometimes it helps, talking to some one also helps. but when i am in my room and I'm edgy or just not settled in myself.. SI makes me feel better.

nsa
 

ThatLady

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Re: problem i think..

I don't SI, nor have I ever. However, I've read the accounts of several of you on these boards who have said that SI helps you to "feel better". I won't claim to understand this at any level except an intellectual one. However, I wonder if working on finding another method of satisfying the need to feel something might not help; like, holding an ice cube in your mouth or hand, etc. This could be done while carrying on an inner dialogue about what you're feeling and how you'd like to learn better ways to cope with the feelings that are causing the self-injuring behavior.

These are just thoughts from someone who doesn't have the problem. Don't know if they're helpful, or not, but I do hope we can find something to help. Perhaps, amongst those who share your difficulties, more useful solutions are available. :)
 

Halo

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Re: problem i think..

I can completely relate NSA. I too think that after SI it makes me feel very alive and aware of what is going on around me. I find that my disordered eating binging/purging/restricting is another way of me feeling in control I know that it doesn't necessary help the situation or my life but for some reason it helps to give me focus and that alive feeling.

now i know it's not right to feel like this but i do

I don't think that there is such a thing as "feeling right" it is just how you feel and you are entitled to those feelings.

I guess what I am trying to think about is what is it about SI that gives me that rush or alive feeling. What am I lacking or missing in my life that I could get from other things.

Obviously I don't have the miracle answer to this question but I can relate and am interested in hearing others replies.

Again, glad to hear that I am not alone in this. :)

I think that is the million dollar question for me.
 
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I think it has been many things for me, right now it is punishment.

But also, for me, it is a thief, a robber, a horrible beast that has taken over as time goes on. I've struggled with this for almost 30 years and I think it's taken away my ability to feel my true emotions and it's taken away my ability to speak my thoughts and to go beyond the shame of it to be with other people, to reach out to others. And it gets scarier and scarier each day and the thoughts inside get darker and darker.

I think I do it because I feel so worthless and useless and I want so much to move beyond those feelings, but it's a cycle, a vicious horrible cycle. The more I do it, the worse I feel about myself, so I do it more to punish myself and so on.

For me, and I can only speak to myself, I think it's cost me so much. I truly think it has made my life worse in many ways.

I think one of the scariest things I have ever done was tell my therapist, but it was ok to do that and I really want to deal with it, deal with what is behind it and move past it. Or I want to at least WANT that. If that makes any sense.
 

Thelostchild

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nsa.


I, SI and I can relate to what you are feeling. I like doing it to, not only does it make me feel alive, I like the pain and the sight of blood. I don't think that its stupid.
 

foghlaim

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thanks for all the replies to this thread.. ppl.
I know there is no miracle answer to changing the way i thnk about this.
For me tho i don't think it's right to actually like it, to like doing it, this is where my problem is. a while back when i did it it was to relieve frustration and tension. and at that time, it ws like i was in another world, diff realm altogether.. sometimes this still happens, but other times it doesn't and that bothers me cause i know what i'm doing. i t hink i just repeated myself,, sorry.

Janet: you said abve "I think I do it because I feel so worthless and useless", well i can tell you , you are not useless or worthless. all you have to do is look at your baby and see that, as well as see that you are worth your weight in gold on this forum. I know you find that hard to take on board but if you can try.. keep saying it to yourself oveer and over again until it sinks in ok.

Tlc and Nancy and Janet and myself included, we really have to find some way out of this cycle... how i don't know.. but we do.
at least i should say I do, cause it's causing me a problem i hadn't before.

again thanks for the replies everyone..

nsa
 
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nsa, thanks for saying that. I let other people's voices live inside my head, I guess. I really believe what they told me. I am going to try to turn it around though. That's all I can do is just try.

Tlc and Nancy and Janet and myself included, we really have to find some way out of this cycle... how i don't know.. but we do.
at least i should say I do, cause it's causing me a problem i hadn't before.

I agree. I'm not giving up believing that I can leave this behind. Maybe it will always lurk around in my mind, but hopefully one day I won't let it control me so much.
 

Halo

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Tlc and Nancy and Janet and myself included, we really have to find some way out of this cycle... how i don't know.. but we do.
at least i should say I do, cause it's causing me a problem i hadn't before.

I too am confident that I will beat this evil demon inside me and like Janet said, it will probably always be in my mind but I don't want it to be a constant thing in my life that I turn to when I am stressed, sad, angry, lonely etc. I am hoping (with the help of therapy) to find out what other things that can be done when I am in that sort of situation instead of "automatically" thinking of SI (or escaping as I call it).

It will happen for me and I believe for all of us if we are willing to trust other ways taught to us :)
 

^^Phoenix^^

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Your not alone nsa
I SI too, and go through the same reasonings. I like it. sometimes i don't and am disgusted but do it to hurt myself, (probably the punishment that janet is talking about) I used to do it when i was healing... just so that i wouldn't heal all of the way, like seeing the wounds was validation. I don't know, all I know is that I was always confused (I've headed into the past tense because my 'episodes' of SI have become infrequent, the last time was about a month ago) Feeling pain I could make sense of was also a big factor for me.
Bah. It is confusing, and there is no right or wrong reason for why we do it. But being able to find those reasons helps make sense of it, and for me, that helped ebb the feelings in the long run. I have been lucky - I have two psychologists that I am close too, and my friends and some of my family have really tried to be there and listen to me try to make sense of why I do it. I found that talking, talking, talking has really helped, aswell as writing down my feelings when I feel like I might do it again.
Blarg! I am babbeling again. Just wanted you to know that you aint alone.
 

Halo

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Phoenix,

I think that you made a couple of really great points. The first being:

Feeling pain I could make sense of was also a big factor for me.

I had never thought of it like that.....thanks for the insight.

Another thing is:

It is confusing, and there is no right or wrong reason for why we do it.

I truly believe like Phoenix that there is no right or wrong reason for doing it. I think for myself finding out why I do it is more important than figuring out whether it is right or wrong. Obviously when I am in the middle of SI I feel that it is the right thing to do to relieve whatever feelings I am having but when I am done and possibly the next day is when I think that it is wrong to have done it. Again I don't think it is really an issue of right or wrong but what happens to me and what am I trying to escape from when I feel like I need to SI.
 
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I truly believe like Phoenix that there is no right or wrong reason for doing it. I think for myself finding out why I do it is more important than figuring out whether it is right or wrong.

I agree. I think it's important to get to the underlying issues.

I had this thought today and it scared me. I know one day I will need to give it up, but it is my voice, even if no one ever hears me because no one ever sees it or knows about it, but it's terrifying thinking about losing my voice. But maybe by then I will have a new and different, effective voice and not one that destroys me.
 

foghlaim

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"But maybe by then I will have a new and different, effective voice and not one that destroys me"
a goal you can add to your list.. and it's one that is attainable, thru therapy and writing or reading here. I like that sentence.. it speaks volumes!!

and i guess i have to agree with all of ye when ye say that it is the underlying reasons for si that have to be found, acknowledged and worked on.
thanks for that.

nsa
 

Thelostchild

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Phoenix,

wow you really surprised me when you said that you SI. I would have never known.
 

foghlaim

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my problems with si are not getting any bettr these days.. so i have decided to go away for awhile.. hopefully i won't do any si while gone and get ot of it.

it's a big problem for me.. Ihate what i'm doing to myself and the way i think about it all the time now..

anyway.. that's it..
my thanks to all who replied on this thread.
no need to reply to this post. ok
i'm outta here in the next day or two if i can.
see ye all when i come back... whenever.
meantime..
MY very best wishes to all of ye..

is mise a chara nsa
 

ThatLady

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Although you've said not to reply, I want you to know my heart is with you wherever you go and until you return.
 

foghlaim

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thanks TL.
my departure has been delayed for a week or 2 tho. aaggh ,, i so wanted to go sooner.
anyway, what wil be will be eh?

thanks again.

nsa
 

ThatLady

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nsa said:
thanks TL.
my departure has been delayed for a week or 2 tho. aaggh ,, i so wanted to go sooner.
anyway, what wil be will be eh?

thanks again.

nsa

Well, darn! Don't you just hate it when something you're looking forward to has to be pushed back because life gets all up in your face? :D

Anyhow, the good part is...we've still got you here for a week or two! Big hugs to you! :)
 

sister-ray

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[/quote]


Anyhow, the good part is...we've still got you here for a week or two! Big hugs to you! :)
[/quote]


I'll second that ;) :)
 

foghlaim

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ah here,, ye keep this up and i won't be able to go at all... lol (emotional blackmail lol)

thanks TTE.
 

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