During this last week, I was triggered by an event in my life. To any bystander, the situation would probably look innocuous, but it didn't have that effect on me. Without going into too many details, I was approached by a man who commented positively on my physical appearance. When I didn't really respond - he came back with another male friend. This was in a public place - and again, to anyone looking at the situation it would probably appear innocuous. In fact, when I told my boss of this situation and what was said his response was: "well you should be grateful you're still getting attention from men"...No, I'll never be grateful for situations such as this one.
Earily, I find that I'm good at spotting predators. I've always found that I was good at knowing when someone was a predator - I'm just not good at protecting myself in these situations. But I know one when I see one.
A few things came to me through this situation. The physical symptoms - I can't stop trembling, I can't sleep, I have a tough time with depth perceptions (I can't walk down a flight of stairs without holding on to the railing).
I luckily had an appointment with my psychologist this week. And we discussed this situation and its effect on me. While some of my symptoms are definitely linked to PTSD, others are tied to my dissociating. I'm really good at "checking out" and do this through a variety of means (so I learned this week
):
1) I drink (ok, that wasn't a big surprise for me);
2) I'm a workaholic working in excess of 200 hours a month (7 days a week) - this I never tied to dissociation. But I will acknowledge that as long as I'm working, I don't have to think about anything relating to me;
3) in work situations, I can get really angry - almost rage and be quite biting. This too, according to my psychologist is a means of checking - out. During those periods where I rage, I'm not thinking about me, I'm focusing on my anger and the emotions elicited by the person who's triggered the anger
4) I also learned that I never relax - because that would mean potentially having to think about certain things. Which is why meditation is really hard for me - because I'm afraid of mindfulness - what will it bring on? So instead, I'm constantly fighting myself so that I don't relax.
And finally, I learned that a few years ago, I had a dissociative episode. For a brief period of time (1 day), I didn't know my name, my street address, my phone number. That particular episode has always troubled me because I thought I had some kind of mental breakdown or burn out and was really scared to have another one. I now have an explanation for it and what it was.
Has anyone else experienced a strong dissociative episode? Do you find that your senses on people are really good? Meaning that you can recognize certain traits in people (for me - I recognize them in their eyes, the way that they look at people) ? Has anyone else had trembling and loss of depth perception after a trigger? How long does it last (I'm going on 5 days now with the trembling)?
Sorry, I know there are a lot of questions here - my mind is swimming a little lately. I also attribute this to my PTSD.
Earily, I find that I'm good at spotting predators. I've always found that I was good at knowing when someone was a predator - I'm just not good at protecting myself in these situations. But I know one when I see one.
A few things came to me through this situation. The physical symptoms - I can't stop trembling, I can't sleep, I have a tough time with depth perceptions (I can't walk down a flight of stairs without holding on to the railing).
I luckily had an appointment with my psychologist this week. And we discussed this situation and its effect on me. While some of my symptoms are definitely linked to PTSD, others are tied to my dissociating. I'm really good at "checking out" and do this through a variety of means (so I learned this week
): 1) I drink (ok, that wasn't a big surprise for me);
2) I'm a workaholic working in excess of 200 hours a month (7 days a week) - this I never tied to dissociation. But I will acknowledge that as long as I'm working, I don't have to think about anything relating to me;
3) in work situations, I can get really angry - almost rage and be quite biting. This too, according to my psychologist is a means of checking - out. During those periods where I rage, I'm not thinking about me, I'm focusing on my anger and the emotions elicited by the person who's triggered the anger
4) I also learned that I never relax - because that would mean potentially having to think about certain things. Which is why meditation is really hard for me - because I'm afraid of mindfulness - what will it bring on? So instead, I'm constantly fighting myself so that I don't relax.
And finally, I learned that a few years ago, I had a dissociative episode. For a brief period of time (1 day), I didn't know my name, my street address, my phone number. That particular episode has always troubled me because I thought I had some kind of mental breakdown or burn out and was really scared to have another one. I now have an explanation for it and what it was.
Has anyone else experienced a strong dissociative episode? Do you find that your senses on people are really good? Meaning that you can recognize certain traits in people (for me - I recognize them in their eyes, the way that they look at people) ? Has anyone else had trembling and loss of depth perception after a trigger? How long does it last (I'm going on 5 days now with the trembling)?
Sorry, I know there are a lot of questions here - my mind is swimming a little lately. I also attribute this to my PTSD.
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