Racing thoughts

[Thelostchild]

Im trying to empty my racing thoughts.

I had a hard life growing up 1/2 of my life I had no dad so there for I was caring for my two sisters and cooking and cleaning while my mom was out working two jobs. ?At the age of 4 when my so called dad was around he was doing alot of drug and drinking heavely, not to mention bringing home other women while my mom was at work. ?My so called father also mentall and physically abuse me and mom. ?I watched her being beat and guns held to her head night after night, unexplained parties, my mom was beat until the piont that she couldn't go to work. ?I was always told how ugly I was and put in a pool of gasoline, yes gasoline in my little small pool that i swimmed in every summer. I watched my so called father have intercorse with another women, I ran and put all my sisters in my room and locked the door, now i want to know how I knew what they were doing? ?In 1990 my mom married her husband and became a great dad, always there for us.


I realize I' am the way I' am. ?And I know what happened and such ?but I just don't know or understand how Im supposed to change or deal with the way I' am. ?I have a low self asteem and ?and I can't make decisions, I have a hard time communicating ? my mind is alway filled with racing thoughts,I hold alot of things in and it builds up until i explode or do something desructive to myself ?and im always trying to find answere's that are not there.. ?I often think because of who Iam and the way that im is the reson why my marriage is going in the garbage?well I've said enogh already. Sorry for this miss spelled words.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Em, the first thing I would suggest is that you might start trying to get some of those thoughts and feelings out of you by writing them down - journaling - they don't even have to be in sentences, just whatever comes into your head, and they won't be meant to be read by anyone but you, ever, unless you want them to be. This has two results: First, it does allow you to "get rid of' some of the thoughts and feelings that are racing around inside you and making you feel tense and unsettled. Second, sometimes the act of writing them down on paper helps to clarify what those thoughts and feelings are - again, I mean primarily for you, yourself, not for anyone else.

Is counseling an option for you at this point? It is difficult for most people to let go of the mixture of feelings and anxieties and thoughts that come from traumatic experiences such as those you describe without the help of someone trained to guide you through the process.

 

[sunset]

I am so sorry! What a rough childhood you had, but I am glad you are getting some help. And, I am happy to see your Mom married someone that is a good person and can be a good Dad for you.

((((hugs))))

 

[Thelostchild]

I used to keep a journal. But I recently burned it. my husband kept looking in it. Not that there is anything that i need to hide, but thats just something that you don't go and read ya know.
I go to counseling all read. I go once a week. Some times I think that its not enough? Even thougt I have racing thoughts I never really know what to talk about. And I was actually going to sit down and write out what was going through my head. that way I have some idea of what I want to talk about when I get there , I don't just want to ball up alll the time and have my couselor do all the talking.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Hmmm... that's too bad (about your husband reading the journal).

You might use an "electronic" journal that you can password protect ( see Freeware Diary / Journaling Program). Or write down your thoughts on loose papers and then destroy them once you're finished...

 

[Thelostchild]

thats a good idea. I thank you so much for being here and helping me out. I never take people who help others for granted. I look up to people like you. and thank you for listening and find some sort of solutions.

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

Hi LostChild,

It sounds like you had a hell of a time growing up and I dare say that its involved with your low self esteem and other things that you describe in your other posts.

I am glad that you are seeing a therapist, how long have you been meeting with him?
Anyway, I have a suggestion, and I am in no way minimulizing the hurt, confusion, and abuse that your family went through. It is with regards to your sentance, "I just don't know or understand how Im supposed to change or deal with the way I' am". When you dwell on emotions, espeshially ones of such strong a nature, your thoughts tend to work in a cyclic motion. They'll bounce from one sad myserable topic to another, which doesn't do any good for your overall happyness. So along with seeing your therapist, may i suggest doing some spiritual reading, I don't mean religious, but by all means. Or some philososphy books, some pertaining to the great questions of life. Books that will challange and help a logical way of thought.
I think that if you use these in addition to writing down your own feelings, and seeing your therapist, you may get some peace. Or begin to..
Take good care of yourself