Really bad session

[AmZ]

Err, I just feel awful.

The 2 hour session tonight went wrong and was misunderstood in lots of different ways... Now I've gotten home, it's 11.10pm and I feel physically sick. It's really affected me.

Anyone here that can lend an ear or two?
It's just all inside me now and giving me a bad stomach and I don't know what to do.

Thx.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Did she misunderstand you? Can you explain a little more if you can/feel like it?

 

[AmZ]

I have an 815 word email to send her and all of what I have written in necessary, so I guess I just have to send it and be done with it!?

First of all, I just spent 3 days in my apartment by myself, feeling reasonably OK, but basically not feeling OK but telling myself that I was feeling OK and once again, avoiding most thoughts and feelings. I spent most of my time in bed, a ridiculous amount of hours, some sleeping and mostly awake just with my eyes closed and nothing much else going on inside.

As soon as I was on my way to therapy tonight, my eyes were filled with tears on the bus because I was looking at all the families and people out having fun and me, not being that. Arrived at therapy and something clicked again and just forgot about those thoughts and feelings and didn't say anything but it was inside of me somewhere.

I was tired more than usual because of hardly sleeping last night due to those days at home not doing anything and sleeping a bit more than usual. Add that to the last 2 weeks in me finding it really difficult anyway in concentrating in sessions in general and sometimes just being totally speechless and unresponsive which is not an intentional thing - And tonight was therefore worse.

The therapist brought up about relationships and marriage and I said it's not a good subject because of my sister's revelation which she told me the other day that she is feeling very unhappy and basically the same way as me, but has a marriage and a 3 month old baby at stake, and her own happiness of course, so I am feeling concerned for her, so not a good topic. Then something else came up at the end of the session, and it triggered me to think about something that I unfortunately found myself in the middle of several months ago between my sister and her husband. Something that is still lingering in at least my mind and I'm still upset about. Cut a long story short. She was 4 months pregnant at the time and I was at their apartment, they got in to an argument and he grabbed her shoulders and my automatic reaction of course, was to get him off of her, so I did. (They have since been to marriage counseling so I hope that this won't happen again). Anyway, was a bad bad event and my sister was screaming at me to get out of the room and saying that it's between only them and they need to sort it out and that I shouldn't be involved. Well, 1. You are my sister and I'm not going to watch someone physically put their hands on you and not know what is going to happen and 2. You are carrying my niece in your womb. Therefore, I think I'll go for staying involved in that one, as much as it was a horrible thing and I didn't want to be involved in of course. So then it was the end of the session and I just went totally quiet because of it and left on a bad note. She knew something was up but said that we'd run out of time so need to discuss it next time. We're not meeting for another 2 weeks now, so I was feeling doubly worse having this inside of me and needing to get it out. Which I have just done, so, thank you for listening.

Wow, maybe I really should limit what I say on here!! I'm sorry. Whatever. I'm just going to say it. Someone can write my autobiography for me in the future or something!!

Generally, I was feeling worse and a hell of a lot more depressed than I realized so it was 'bad timing' in what the therapist brought up tonight such as making a plan as to my social life and what I can possibly do this week to find friends. She was very different with me tonight and said to me that she thinks it's been a bit too intense so we need to slow things down a bit and also split the 2 hour session up in to 2 x 1 hour sessions in the week so I don't go away feeling awful for a week before our next meeting.

Anyway, as ya'll can see... That's about enough to get started with!

I just felt so terrible after the session and got home and just broke down crying and took me a good hour or so to piece together what happened in the session tonight and to understand what is going on inside of me.

My therapist is going out of town so we are not meeting for two weeks now, this is why it was more frustrating for this to happen and for me to feel like things were left on bad terms or not being understood fully. But at least now I can see, I think, most of the reasons as to why tonight's session went how it did. I know this is probably the depression speaking, but it's those guilt and self-blame/hate feelings which make it even worse because I was 1. unaware of how I was feeling/my thoughts so couldn't help myself or tell the psychologist and that's annoying and frustrating. 2. I was unresponsive and lacking in concentration and was not with it, so I feel bad for being like that also when it was so totally not my intention to be like this.... and etc.

Enough said.

 

[Daniel E.]

My therapist is going out of town so we are not meeting for two weeks now, this is why it was more frustrating for this to happen and for me to feel like things were left on bad terms or not being understood fully.

BTW:

Some tips that patients can use while their therapists are away:

• Keep a journal. Write down your feelings, thoughts, details of any dreams and any major events. You'll have plenty to talk about when your therapist is back in the office.
• Take care of yourself. Tell yourself, "I can cope," and "I am strong." Danielson adds: "If you're panicked and you're telling yourself, 'Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!' then you're not self-soothing. Parent yourself when your therapist is gone in the way you would parent a beloved child." Learn to do that even when your therapist is around.
• Don't isolate yourself. Reach out to others, including friends and family members, in your support network, but avoid the temptation to use them as stand-ins for your therapist.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-...ope-when-your-therapist-goes-on-vacation.html

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think slowing down a bit is not a bad idea. I had to learn some better coping skills before we got into the heavy duty trauma stuff. I still struggle and I still go back to bad coping skills, but it is better at times. You've had a lot of years of pain and, I think, neglect, and it will take some time to heal that. I hope that makes sense.

 

[AmZ]

Thanks Daniel and CD.

Keep a journal.

I have an online one which I update on a daily basis several times during the day. It's shared with my therapist so she can look at any time and before the session to get a gist of what has been going on since we last met so that's a good thing.

It was especially difficult last night for me to get much out of the session. Of course someone who is upset and depressed can therefore waffle on like me for hours about the bad stuff, but 1. The therapist said we're going to move away from that a bit and 2. I think I have mixed feelings about that because talking about the bad things gives me a good release, but I know that on the other hand it makes me feel worse at least for the short term.

The therapist gave me homework to do and asked what I thought of it and if it was something I wanted to do. I told her honestly, that one of them asked me to find only the positives out of the past and the events that happened and in looking at my mother's depression/unhappiness and what positives I can take from that. I didn't know what to make of that and if I would be able to find positives, but said that she is the professional, so I can go with her suggestions of course!

Then she asked me to do something else in just writing about the negatives of something else.

I don't even know what I need to do and what would be good for me. Doing something about negatives will no doubt make me break down even more badly than I feel now. But maybe I need to do that and it's a good thing? (I am guessing not at this stage). On the other side of things, trying to find positives in something negative is something that is very difficult for me to do now for different reasons. But I told the therapist that maybe it's better for now that I struggle in finding positives rather than focusing on negatives.

It's very difficult and I can see that the therapist doesn't really know which approach to take with me right now. She tried a couple of things last night and they were just my worst nightmare and I couldn't do them.. i.e. switching seats with her and doing a role play of me being the therapist and the therapist being me. It just didn't work and it just made me cry and totally freeze up.

Hopefully there are a few shimmers of light at the end of the tunnel however which will make things better within the next few weeks: 1. Raising the dosage which I am doing today. As much as we know, of course, we can't just rely on medication, but I am really needing some chemical assistance here! If the change of dosage can start to work even a bit, that would help out greatly. 2. Having the 2 week break from therapy. I'm not going to use it as a time to avoid everything and am going to make sure to carry on doing the mood logs and all other homework that was given to me. Maybe the 2 week break will actually be a good thing and I've got to make sure to not waste time and to use it to my advantage so that I (and the therapist) can meet back the next time with things being a bit clearer, rather than last night where they weren't. 3. I sent the therapist an email late last night to explain what happened and to tell her how I was feeling after the session etc, so I'm glad that I did that and it will help her also to see and be aware of this for the future and to understand things better. Was good that I opened up with her once I managed to find my thoughts and feelings.

So I finished on (not only 1, but) 3 positive points (for once!).

Words of wisdom?

Do I make sense and does it seem like I am at least being reasonably level headed here and realistic?

Thx.

 

[Daniel E.]

First of all, I just spent 3 days in my apartment by myself, feeling reasonably OK, but basically not feeling OK but telling myself that I was feeling OK and once again, avoiding most thoughts and feelings. I spent most of my time in bed, a ridiculous amount of hours, some sleeping and mostly awake just with my eyes closed and nothing much else going on inside

Unfortunately, with depression/anxiety, that kind of withdrawal behavior is likely to repeat itself sooner than later (one way or another), so to add to Cat Dancer's point:

What about trauma and loss?

Often when people have experienced traumatic events and loss, negative thoughts and feelings about the event come to mind all the time. It becomes hard not to think about it or feel terrible that it happened. We find that it is important to understand how these experiences impact your current behavior. For example, you might find it difficult to sleep at night, and so you spend a lot of time sleeping during the day. If you sleep during the day, you may be unable to perform important daily activities or lack the energy and desire to socialize with family and friends. This treatment [behavioral activation therapy] will help you to identify activities that might be making your depression worse, and can help you modify or change those activities so that you feel depressed less often. The goal of this treatment is to help you make the best life possible for yourself. This can be hard work, but if you trust the process you will find that good things will come from your effort.

Source: Brief Behavioral Activation Treatment for Depression Manual, Revised

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/resource...ation-how-to-be-more-active-in-your-life.html

 

[AmZ]

...you may be unable to perform important daily activities or lack the energy and desire to socialize with family and friends. This treatment [behavioral activation therapy] will help you to identify activities that might be making your depression worse, and can help you modify or change those activities so that you feel depressed less often. The goal of this treatment is to help you make the best life possible for yourself. This can be hard work, but if you trust the process you will find that good things will come from your effort.

Concerning the basics in life such as having a good and steady job so no worries about paying the bills or money stress in general, a nice apartment etc, I am content and all is fine there pretty much.
The problem really is two things:
1. What I don't have currently
2. Loads of stuff from the past that has made me who I am today

When you put these two things together, number 1 is made worse and more difficult to attain because of number 2.
If I just had number 1 as a problem, it would be a reasonably easy thing to sort out, at most, I could have a life coach or something that could give me a little push along and guidance if I needed it... But because of number 2, I am in a bad place now because of my past and present and unfortunately, the way I am feeling now, well, I know it's an extremely negative thought to have and is counteractive to the therapy and to myself 100% - But it feels like my future is doomed also. I feel like I can't change myself so much, I don't know what I've wanted out of life for many years and will never work it out, I will never be happy with myself and my life in general, I'm better off alone otherwise I am just a burden on others and have the possibility of being in a marriage with children for example, and doing what my mother did and being depressed like this and having my children see the awfulness of it just like I saw my father when he had a mental breakdown and in my mother being unhappy (AKA depressed) all of her life and growing up with that.
The list could go on as to why I feel like a hopeless case.

I can only hope that even though I truly know that a part of me genuinely feels like this and has done for some time, that something finally good will come out of all of this now I am in therapy for the first time. I have so many years to look back on and 'fix', like using CBT to create honest, alternate and more positive thoughts about stuff (which now is not working whatsoever) - There are so many years there that I was not happy and had issues without even then realizing it. All I have to do is think back to when I was 12/13 years old, by myself at the back of our garden and I just decided that I wanted to smack my arm on a tree branch and break my arm. I tried to do it but luckily in my sweet child-like sensitivity (which I don't have so much now), after a few smacks, it hurt too much so I stopped. Along with accidentally cutting my arm badly on a sharp twig (and having a visible reminder of that still on my arm) - Like the psychologist said, the anxiety and depression etc goes back a lot longer than I think.
That's why it all just feels like too much to do and an impossible task. I never think of ending my life but can easily see myself just living a life of semi-contentment like I have been doing forever, mixed with terrible downs like this, the need for medication again and just floating along in life with OK times and terrible times, no excitement, no friends, no interests, maybe add on some substance abuse there just so that I can escape now and again... And in the end, get old and eventually... My life ends naturally... and that was the story of that. The point of existence was?

 

[Daniel E.]

This is exactly why behavior therapy is so helpful -- to help you get out of your self-limiting, default mode of ruminating/obsessing. Ruminating is "thin thinking" while the experience of actively engaging in one's life is much richer than that. So the goal is to "get out of your mind and into your life."

And in the end, get old and eventually... My life ends naturally... and that was the story of that. The point of existence was?

To experience life, not to avoid it: http://forum.psychlinks.ca/depression/19634-depression-and-the-meaning-of-life.html

That's why it all just feels like too much to do and an impossible task. I never think of ending my life but can easily see myself just living a life of semi-contentment like I have been doing forever,

That's just your depression talking and your anxiety worrying about the future. (People with anxiety often live in the future to the point that the present doesn't even seem real.)

 

[AmZ]

Thanks Daniel.

This is what the therapist said we are going to start to focus on in the session last night. (Behavior therapy).

I can do this to a certain degree, but I was honest with her and said that I really feel like some things I really can't physically do now but that hopefully once I'm feeling a little better, I can then do.

As much as it sounds like and appears that I avoid even leaving my house of something, it's not really the case asides from in the last couple of weeks where I have had a bad couple of hours in the morning for example and found it difficult to get the motivation to get up and go out to do errands etc, plus the weekend I just had at home which was longer and worse for some reason.

I work 3 days a week, in a young environment, and several times during my work day go around and speak to different people, laugh, talk 'normally' etc - And it's not something that I am telling myself to do or something, it's something I like doing and do naturally and like a 'normal person'.

I go to some studies twice a week also but we're on a month break and go back in a couple of weeks. Again, I talk to people in between the lessons, they talk to me, etc. It's just that things never get to the 'next level' of making a friendship out of it or in making that extra effort/push. I know that this is partly because of me and my issues and unsureness about myself maybe, bad self confidence and a bit shy etc... But a lot of the time also it's because like these lessons I go to or the other things I have done in the past, it's been in the English speaking community here and often people are here just for the summer or for a short visit, and by the time some kind of contact develops with someone for example, the next thing I know, they've gone back to the States or wherever they are from.

So, I can even say now in all of my negativeness, that I still see myself as a pretty 'normal' person... Fine I have some (big) things to work on and work out in my life and OK, I am being a bit avoidant now because I am feeling rather depressed and unmotivated and at times, as much as I try my hardest to, I get stuck in a few hour/one day bad rut. (Could be worse also).

I don't want to keep analyzing things and going from this to that, but it's all simply a weird experience for me!

It was 9.30pm tonight and after writing here, I just had this urge to sleep for a bit so I set my alarm for 30 minutes later. And I just woke up and went in to the bathroom to brush my teeth and had that depersonalization feeling again. It's the third time it's happened and is all a bit of a weird experience. Anyway, the psychiatrist and psychologist said that it can happen and confirmed that due to a few different reasons, they wouldn't be surprised that it happened to me and confirmed that from what I described from what happened before, it was that.

Anyway, just weirdness! Again, like my body is moving and doing something but that I feel no connection that I am the one making those movements happen. Like I'm gliding on the floor and looking at my feet move but can't 'feel' that my body is connected to me. Anyway, apparently I just brushed my teeth lol...

I am 'LOL-ing', but it's not an overly fun feeling. Luckily I just snapped out of it pretty quickly, but it stemmed from me feeling the need to sleep and feeling a weird sense of well, nothingness in my body and something in my mind telling me to switch off for a bit. Then woke up and that feeling lasted for a few minutes.

Are there any techniques or anything that can be used to get out of these moments?

Something else I am waiting for the therapist to teach me is how to understand my feelings and thoughts as they are happening rather than looking back a couple of hours and only realizing then why I was acting a certain way etc. This still counts for the depersonalization however, because on one hand, I knew that it was very weird to all of a sudden feel like I need to sleep for 30 minutes of out nowhere and start to feel a little strange, but wish that I could see then what was happening to me, and well, to be honest, why it happens at all! (Mainly the depersonalization and concerning me not having a great connection with my feelings/thoughts at times, that's something I need to learn about myself somehow in therapy, however that will be dealt with). It's like what happened in last night's session - Just one example was me being totally unresponsive to some things the therapist was asking me and in me finding myself totally speechless and just couldn't get any words out at all. That's never happened to me before, and now looking back at it (again, looking back at it and not at the time realizing), I see that it was because she was asking me something that she wasn't aware that was extremely a sensitive subject for me at that time and I hadn't even told her about an event that had taken place to do with this subject. Without me even realizing this at the time, this is why everything totally shut off mentally and physically with me, but didn't necessarily appear to be that way from the therapists possible point/s of view. Anyway, that's why I had emailed her and said that it wasn't me intentionally avoiding something on a conscious level, that it was something more than that which I felt like I had totally no control over and at the time, my mind was just blank and didn't know what the hell was going on with me also!

---------- Post added at 10:35 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:33 PM ----------

Sorry, I just realized how much I just wrote there... Still feeling a bit 'out' of it and then back to reality again (!)... I don't remember writing all of that in 'one go' or that long

 

[Daniel E.]

It's just that things never get to the 'next level' of making a friendship out of it or in making that extra effort/push. I know that this is partly because of me and my issues and unsureness about myself maybe, bad self confidence and a bit shy etc... But a lot of the time also it's because like these lessons I go to or the other things I have done in the past, it's been in the English speaking community here and often people are here just for the summer or for a short visit, and by the time some kind of contact develops with someone for example, the next thing I know, they've gone back to the States or wherever they are from.

BTW:

Leave the house: New friends are unlikely to come knockin' at your door; you must get out and among people fairly often. Accept invitations--sometimes even when you'd rather not. If you're shy, hanging out with someone who is not shy can help. Researchers in Japan call that person a "surrogate" and found that after seven months, shy students entering a university who used a surrogate had as many friends as not-shy students So instead of going to a party alone, recruit an outgoing friend to join you. If you need to cling a little, that's OK. Sooner or later you're bound to recognize a kindred introvert spirit with whom you can sit and talk in that non chit-chatty way we love.

Stick your neck out: Meet someone you want as a friend? Be a little (but just a little) pushy. Make contact, extend invitations. What feels pushy to you might just seem friendly to others. As introverts, our sensitivity can work for us or against us. Don't be so sensitive that you are afraid to take a chance; be sensitive enough to recognize if and when it's time to give up.

Accept some awkwardness: Like first dates, the early stages of friendship can be awkward and self-conscious. This is not a reflection on you, the other person, or the potential for friendship. It's just the way it is. One way to mitigate this is to do things together other than just meeting for a meal. Go to a museum, a movie, an art festival--anything so that you aren't just sitting there gazing into each others' eyes. Also, with other things to talk about, you won't be tempted to overshare personal stuff and overwhelm the other person. (Have you ever done that? I have.)

First, Leave the House: Strategies for Making New Friends | Psychology Today

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/shyness-...eople-when-you-are-a-depressed-introvert.html

Israel Meetup Groups - Israel Meetups

 

[Daniel E.]

Another reminder about making friends: http://forum.psychlinks.ca/shyness-and-social-anxiety/23479-finding-friends.html

Regarding the language barrier, you only need one English-speaking friend or even acquaintance to make a difference.

 

[AmZ]

Thanks Daniel.

For now, I'm in a bad way, the worst I have felt, so am going to stay at my sister's for a few days.

On the way to work today, I closed my eyes and was listening to my music and just couldn't move my body. I felt like I was going in to complete shut down and wouldn't be able to physically get myself off of the bus. If I was at home then no doubt I would stay in this state for a long time so I need to avoid being in that situation for now and be at my sister's.

---------- Post added at 09:36 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:04 PM ----------

This is very confusing. From one hour to the next, I don't know what to think or what not to think.
I don't want to over-think things or under-think them.
If I over-think, then I probably make myself feel worse and drive myself crazy unnecessarily.
If I under-think then I feel like I am totally avoiding my feelings, thoughts and emotions.

I felt awful this morning and this evening again I have this total sense of calm physically and mentally, well, I think if someone tapped on my head then it would echo. It's not like I want to feel bad of course and I'm not trying to curse myself every time or something but when I feel like this, I wonder how I can be feeling and thinking absolutely nothing and can only put it down to avoidance. But then I can't even get to any thoughts or feelings/emotions.

Should I just go along with this (strange) feeling of being relaxed, totally calm and mentally blank, or not? I just don't see it as a 'good thing' because of what I have described. I don't know how I can control myself so that I can just be somewhere in-between and not one of the extremes all the time.
Does this make sense?

EDIT: Taking in to account that the last time I felt like this for longer than a few hours, and lasted for 3 days in fact and how that ended up, that's why it gets me concerned also when I feel like this. For the 3 days it lasted before and was feeling more and more peculiar and ended up with me having that weird 'glaze over' moment and self-harming out of nowhere (at least as it seemed to me. No 'plan' to do it, not even a second before. Just blurry eyed, ears ringing, switch went off like it wasn't me even doing it and the next thing I know, I've done that).

Ty.

 

[Daniel E.]

If I over-think, then I probably make myself feel worse and drive myself crazy unnecessarily.
If I under-think then I feel like I am totally avoiding my feelings, thoughts and emotions.

You don't seem to have the problem of underthinking So if the phrase "paralysis by analysis" describes your situation:

You cannot always control your thoughts.
You cannot always control your feelings.
But you can always control your behavior.
As you change your behavior, your thoughts and feelings will also change.

Getting control: overcoming your obsessions and compulsions

 

[AmZ]

You don't seem to have the problem of underthinking

I realized after that I didn't clearly write what I meant to. I wasn't referring to thoughts to do with my past, intrusive thoughts about bad things happening, etc, I mean specifically over/under-thinking, or more specifically analyzing how I am feeling - And only when I feel like I am feeling this nothingness-goodness.

If we can scrap maybe the fact that I am questioning this nothingness-goodness feeling and just look at the feeling by itself, that is what I would like to understand more. I say this because I could just stop thinking about the way I am feeling and carry on for hours or days possibly feeling and thinking nothing. But like I just added (after you posted back I think), the last time, it resulted in me leaving work early, which I didn't even know or understand why I was doing that, got home, was along the way thinking and feeling nothing, opening a pack of food, and the next thing I know, I was self-harming.

I maybe sound like a total confused mess. I admit, that my thinking is a bit screwed up right now and things are crossing-over a bit, I know. I know that I am not 100% clear.
I am just concerned to 'accept' this way I am feeling because it doesn't feel natural or normal at all, then either ends up in me harming myself or ended up in me having those 3 days at home 'feeling better', going to session, on the way there feeling full of emotions, getting there, feeling nothing and just having this strange 'switch-on-switch-off' thing where sometimes I just couldn't even think or get any words out with the therapist, like totally speechless not even being able to say 'I don't know' or bursting in to tears for 10 seconds, then just stopping and feeling back to nothingness again and laughing at how I was just crying and now the thought totally went out of my mind and most of the time, totally lose my track of thought and forget for a good several seconds what we were even talking about!

Thanks for your time and patience.

 

[Daniel E.]

Oh, ok. I think you are referring to self-monitoring, e.g.:

Self-Monitoring for PTSD - Using Self-Monitoring for PTSD

Your mood logs, journal, etc. should help with self-monitoring.

 

[AmZ]

Thanks Daniel.

I don't really think it was, sorry... I know I'm not being so clear.

I have a mood log which I fill in several times daily depending on how the day is going and how 'connected' I am.
I'm really just questioning this specific feeling, or lack of feeling and thought which doesn't seem to connect to anything in my mood log or at any specific time etc and has just happened a few times. Once for the 3 days, another time for a few hours and today when I switched from feeling awful from the moment waking up until 6pm or so, and 6pm-now (10.45pm).
Anyway, it's something big I have to work on and it a big issue and problem for me.
It's come out in therapy that basically starting from childhood, I didn't really challenge the boundaries with my parents, especially my mum. She'd ask for me and my sister to do her dirty work for example, my sister would maybe pull a face or mumble something under her breath and get in to trouble, but I always kept a total blank expression and said 'OK' just to 'keep the peace'. It was bad enough that my mum was irrational and my dad knew (and me and my sister knew) that she was and that our dad wanted to 'stick up for us' but 'had to' most of the time 'stick up' for his wife (and me and my sister knew that also) and work together in that parental team, as I would term it. That's just one example, but for whatever reason/s, I've most of the time not been honest about my feelings/wants/needs etc, and have thought more about what the other person wants to hear/not hear/see/expect from me, but in doing so, have made myself go through things that I actually didn't want to do for example. Problem being, I have been so used to doing that for so many years, that I don't even realize when I do it at the time because it's something so 'natural' inside of me to do, therefore, I have no bad feelings like anxiety inside of me when I do it. Alongside this, I've just always been the thinker and not the talker, the quiet one and not the loud one and basically the one that keeps everything inside but that appears on the outside to be just a very chilled and easy-going person. On the inside, well, not that I have even realized it and still can't a lot of the time, but I have so much going on inside of me it's ridiculous. No surprising that the OCD with the hand counting started at the age of 14/15... Never questioned that also, and that was basically anxiety of course.
As you can see from me elaborating on this subject, I simply don't know how or why I am feeling a certain way a lot of the time, and more so than that, even more extreme is not even being able to see or recognize what thought came up in my mind which made my mood change.

I am just in one whole big confusion about myself really.
It's very difficult.
Add on all the other things, and it's 10 times more difficult.

 

[Will]

I am just in one whole big confusion about myself really.
It's very difficult.
Add on all the other things, and it's 10 times more difficult.

This may seem really counter-intuitive and a lot of it is coming from the gut - an intuition or hunch - associated with everything I've been reading from you. I also need to say that it in no way diminishes the seriousness of the issues you're facing.

But I've got to say that I think you're doing better than you think you're doing. I hope that makes sense.

 

[AmZ]

This may seem really counter-intuitive and a lot of it is coming from the gut - an intuition or hunch - associated with everything I've been reading from you. I also need to say that it in no way diminishes the seriousness of the issues you're facing.

But I've got to say that I think you're doing better than you think you're doing. I hope that makes sense.

Thanks Will.
That's what I've been hearing so I should take that in to account ;-)
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I want to just break down and give up, but sometimes I feel so utterly close to it it's scary. I hope that I can continue on at least like I am and for things not to get worse. That's all I'm really asking for now. It's snowballed and gotten to a point which it can't really go any further before it starts affecting me more in being able to function in order to go to work for example. Luckily (if you want to see it like this), it's stopped me from functioning at times that I wasn't really functioning anyway (!) or I mean at times where I didn't 'need' to like going to work etc... Well, a couple of sick days in a few months, but not bad.

I know that I am stronger than I realize, even though I feel so utterly weak and not in control, I've fought constantly for 4 months now to get to where I am to be in therapy and on medication. I'm pretty sure that others on here have clearly seen that also from my hundreds (wow) of posts! Even though I've made it to therapy, it's still taking time for things to settle a bit which anyway is part of the process... I'm really eager and persistent and am learning to keep my patience also because I can't expect fast results, as much as we'd all like them. Same with the medication which is still not quite there yet.
On I go.
This 4 months since this 'started' has just been so exhausting and too many other things to describe here... I've got so much to work on and still have to think about my past (and gain closure on those things), work on my present and my future (well, that concerns me a lot). I don't want to be that depressed parent that their child has to see crying in his/her bed or having a total mental break down and have their 11 year old child call for an ambulance. I don't want to be that unsatisfied wife that takes her children and husband for granted and runs away from it all and ruins it all and still stays unhappy.
I want to be happy, be able to understand myself and be able to help myself for once.

 

[Daniel E.]

As you can see from me elaborating on this subject, I simply don't know how or why I am feeling a certain way a lot of the time

OTOH, "bad brain days" is not an uncommon phrase in mental health.

, and more so than that, even more extreme is not even being able to see or recognize what thought came up in my mind which made my mood change.

OTOH, that can become an obsession in-an-of-itself, one that prevents engaging in the present.