Really bad session

[Will]

...Don't get me wrong, it's not like I want to just break down and give up...

But I'll bet you don't want to break out in song and dance, either. <--- meant very lightheartedly

I suspect you'll have some times coming up where it seems like you're falling back and may even suffer some setbacks, but it really looks like you've got some good tools, within yourself, to deal with that as it comes rather than letting it run roughshod over you. Just remember to use the tools at your disposal when you feel like you're in over your head. Regardless, I just had to let you know what I was seeing.

With regard to what you want, you're on your way to getting, what you haven't got, already. Yeah: There is a lot more work to do, but it definitely seems like you're doing it.

 

[Pheonix]

Dear AmZ,

I have been reading your posts here for a while but didn't reply because more than one person already answered you and gave really good advise. I just want to say that many of the feelings, in fact most of them you are struggling with I have felt. You clearly describe them very well and also the intense overwhelming pain the experience has on the sufferer. I felt them most of my young life interceded by disoriented spaces of numbness and depersonalization. I suffered physical, mental and sexual abuse, grew up not being allowed to have?express emotions or opinions. (actually not ever having developed skills to recognize or handle such emotions).

One skill I did do well at was numbing, forms of dissociation and hiding my self, even from myself. These were not faulty thinking or irrational. They were the right strategies that children adopt who in the care of an unstable and violent parent and when no help is forthcoming. Over my life I have changed alot. Therapy helped, (with the right therapist but it was not the whole cure). A lot I did on my own. SSRI's and anti-psychotics helped at crushingly bad moments but now I am no longer needing these.

What helped was understanding that my experiences and past thinking was valid and accurate and telling it to a therapist who was nonjudgmental and sympathetic. It took a lot to voice these experiences (Journaling, drawing). I was so wanting to bring these things out and so numbed by my unexpressed emotion, I would feel so depressed afterward and have severe headaches because I was unable to cry. I pushed myself too quickly at times and overwhelmed myself more than I had skills to cope and the result was dissociation and eerie depersonalization, which I then tried to manage with cutting and a drinking binge. When this happends to you, as your therapist says, you are pushing your self, or therapy is going to fast for you and you have to slow down and be kind to yourself.

Educating yourself is very helpful. For me it was validation for my experiences (having my head banged against the wall was abuse, here it defines it in this book) or (having to play sex games and watch porn was abuse too because it says so here and here) and discovering that my childish responses had been normal and not because I was bad a liar or stupid. All this helped but was painful to face. Next came connecting the way my past formed me who I really was. Learning who that person was without blaming myself was paramount to shedding a ton of guilt and self hatred I had for myself. I did this in therapy but I did a lot on my own by reading accounts of others who had struggled with the same history. I found we are all just merely human that otherwise. I am well into the stage of connecting with recognizing emotions and learning how to manage intense ones without letting them overwhelm me.

You mentioned trouble feeling in your body (dissociation, depersonalization). I advocate a movement therapy that helps strengthen the mind body connection. Slow gentle movements and breathwork like, ti chi, dancing, aikido or any non competitive sport that makes the mind body areas in the brain work together. See if you have any classes locally. Repeated regular use of these movement therapies has been show to quieten neurological activity in brain. For me it helps dispel those numbed spaced out times and helps me feel "real and in my body again and not like a head floating around observing my life like it was a screenshow". When that happens I know its time for me to slow down and just let feelings come, knowing that they will pass again and I will not fall down flat on my face because of it.

Just want to let you know, when I really started good therapy most painful just before the times I made gains in healing. I call myself pheonix because each time it was like I was dying and after a time I came back to my self again with more insights and a little more stronger. It happened so often I thought hey its like I am a pheonix. I realized that the experience I felt as dying was a moment of change. A little ego shedding away, a moment of true fear and uncertainty and then just at that moment a new configuration comes together, a new perspective and a stronger sense of self. That is the way of growth.

I say to myself, it took time and crap for me to get this way, its gonna take a lot of crap and time to get me outta this. Like its said, when your going through hell, just keep going", your gonna come out the other side eventually. I just would like you to know changing is natural, healing is possible and growth happens. I thought like you did, I would never have a happier life and was doomed to a miserable life. But it has not been like that at all. Just be gentle on yourself and trust your instincts for healing.

 

[Daniel E.]

I don't know how I can control myself so that I can just be somewhere in-between and not one of the extremes all the time.

I may have taken your question out of context, but a point I like to reiterate is that I personally like DBT self-help methods for trying to regulate distressing emotions (such as when feeling suicidal):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy#Distress_Tolerance

And something related to that is self-compassion (which I find is lower when in "crisis mode"), e.g.

Positively correlated with self-compassion:

Self-kindness:

• I try to be understanding and patient towards those aspects of my personality I don’t like.
• When I’m going through a very hard time, I give myself the caring and tenderness I need.

Mindfulness:

• When something painful happens I try to take a balanced view of the situation.
• When something upsets me I try to keep my emotions in balance.

Common humanity:

• I try to see my failings as part of the human condition.
• When I feel inadequate in some way, I try to remind myself that feelings of inadequacy are shared by most people

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-...assion-focused-therapy-in-cbt.html#post176108

 

[AmZ]

First of all, sincere thank you to everyone's replies.

But I'll bet you don't want to break out in song and dance, either. <--- meant very lightheartedly
I suspect you'll have some times coming up where it seems like you're falling back and may even suffer some setbacks, but it really looks like you've got some good tools, within yourself, to deal with that as it comes rather than letting it run roughshod over you. Just remember to use the tools at your disposal when you feel like you're in over your head. Regardless, I just had to let you know what I was seeing.
With regard to what you want, you're on your way to getting, what you haven't got, already. Yeah: There is a lot more work to do, but it definitely seems like you're doing it.

Ha, yea, I'm not quite at the sing and dance stage. Don't ya worry, I'm English, so I get the lighthearted humor
Thanks for the words of support. As much as I feel like I am doomed and will never be happy and all the rest of it, I'm still going ahead, so looks like I haven't given up hope quite yet. Even though there are things in life that I can add that will make me happier, I do just feel though that somehow I'm going to expect more out of life and not be satisfied. I don't know what big thing I am looking for. An automatic thought of mine would be to have a big close family - And unfortunately, that's not something I have or can make appear! That's really something important to me that I wish I had and have now. That closeness and security and comfort. Anyway, will have to go down to the next level of what I am looking for... hmmm!

Dear AmZ,

I have been reading your posts here for a while but didn't reply because more than one person already answered you and gave really good advise. I just want to say that many of the feelings, in fact most of them you are struggling with I have felt. You clearly describe them very well and also the intense overwhelming pain the experience has on the sufferer. I felt them most of my young life interceded by disoriented spaces of numbness and depersonalization. I suffered physical, mental and sexual abuse, grew up not being allowed to have?express emotions or opinions. (actually not ever having developed skills to recognize or handle such emotions).

First of all Phoenix, I really appreciate your reply. Not only do I seriously look up to you and admire you for all the work you have done and for your strength, but in also taking the time to offer your story to me and give me some pointers also.
This is where I do the 'first mistake of therapy' and say "other people have been through worse than me and manage to cope much better. What is wrong with me?". But I know, that for many reasons, I shouldn't do that. On one hand, I don't want to totally disregard my past and say that it was 'fine', you know, 'a little less easy than your average person', but on the other, for the first time speaking about so many things in therapy and so many big realizations about events and people in my past and how it has formed me along the way, it's a big deal. I've managed to 'keep it together' for so long and for 10 years, so since I was 15, not feeling quite right somehow but getting on with life and never once breaking down or anything. Not surprising how badly this hit me 4 months ago, and why it's still going on because there is so much to deal with.

SSRI's and anti-psychotics helped at crushingly bad moments but now I am no longer needing these.

This is one of my biggest 'fears' - I worry for my future and my mental health. Possibly breaking down like this again and the awful feelings that come with it, affecting the people around me etc etc. That's why I (know that I) am avoidant a bit to make friends and build my own family, husband, kids etc.. I don't want to affect those loved ones around me. I guess I'm just having to get over this because otherwise there is no point in doing anything! Hearing your story gives me hope though

What helped was understanding that my experiences and past thinking was valid and accurate and telling it to a therapist who was nonjudgmental and sympathetic. It took a lot to voice these experiences (Journaling, drawing). I was so wanting to bring these things out and so numbed by my unexpressed emotion, I would feel so depressed afterward and have severe headaches because I was unable to cry. I pushed myself too quickly at times and overwhelmed myself more than I had skills to cope and the result was dissociation and eerie depersonalization, which I then tried to manage with cutting and a drinking binge. When this happends to you, as your therapist says, you are pushing your self, or therapy is going to fast for you and you have to slow down and be kind to yourself.

It's amazing what you explain here and how I have been going through the same thing. I hope that my therapist is non-judgmental - I've been finding it difficult with the embarrassment factor of my past both in telling her about my own behavior and my parents and others. Anyway, I'm working on it and have been honest with her about things, but know that I need to push that little extra to get those extra details and feelings out so that both I and she can understand things even more so.
My lack of emotions has been difficult to deal with also. In the first 3 sessions, I was letting it all out and crying, oh boy, but it was good and the first time I have released the thoughts and feelings about things. On the 4th and 5th session, I felt myself shut down and just couldn't open myself up or even get to the thoughts in my own head. I've heard my psychologist and 2 psychiatrists say the work 'avoidant' to me a lot so, err, yes, that refers to me! Working on that also though. Just have to find a way to get there and I will eventually.
Just like you said in your case, the therapy was a bit too much to handle at the beginning and just like me, I self-harmed 3 days after the 3rd session after having those days just feeling totally fine and nothing on my mind, I knew it was not 'right' what I was feeling. Then the next thing I know, I cut my arm. Anyway, hope to not do that again, and haven't. Also the drinking for me is a problem. It's not that I'm an alcoholic (!) but I know it's still substance abuse. I've gotten seriously drunk twice in the last 3 months or so, and of course did it just to avoid everything. It's always something I have to be aware of because it's something I did all the time as a teenager also, getting drunk and stoned to numb the pain. And it's not good.

You mentioned trouble feeling in your body (dissociation, depersonalization). I advocate a movement therapy that helps strengthen the mind body connection. Slow gentle movements and breathwork like, ti chi, dancing, aikido or any non competitive sport that makes the mind body areas in the brain work together.

I have had my gym membership frozen for a couple of months but am due to go back this Sunday so I really hope that this will be something I can get back in to and go twice a week. They have classes also in many things, so will check those out also.


I'm feeling good today and for the first time, my thoughts are still there, I am still in reality and everything is connected. I can say "my life is sucking a bit now and things are tough" and nod and frown when I say it, but I am also feeling the get up and go to do things, just went out food shopping etc, and didn't have that sinking feeling about going out. Whether it be the new dosage already kicking in or just a random good day, I am enjoying it. I wonder if it is the raising of the medication as I've slept better the last 2 nights also, a lot more sound and solid sleep. Even though still waking up at 5am, I've managed to go back to sleep for a couple more hours and sleep very good. I am of course knowing that there are going to be more hard and possibly awful times, but know that I will get through it. It's really a day to remember for me.

I just love what you wrote Phoenix, so I'm going to end this on quoting you!!!!!!!

Just want to let you know, when I really started good therapy most painful just before the times I made gains in healing. I call myself pheonix because each time it was like I was dying and after a time I came back to my self again with more insights and a little more stronger. It happened so often I thought hey its like I am a pheonix. I realized that the experience I felt as dying was a moment of change. A little ego shedding away, a moment of true fear and uncertainty and then just at that moment a new configuration comes together, a new perspective and a stronger sense of self. That is the way of growth.

 

[Daniel E.]

I don't really think it was, sorry...

BTW, what I meant was that self-monitoring is a way to be more mindful of the antecedents of impulsive "unthinking" behavior (e.g. "the next thing I know, I was self-harming"). For example, self-monitoring can include noting the use (and non-use) of positive behaviors like coping skills.

In DBT, self-monitoring assists chain of events analysis, a.k.a. behavior chain analysis. For example, leaving work early could be seen as part of a chain of avoidance behaviors, with one behavior facilitating the next. (A common example concerns drug addition: Going into a certain neighborhood where one used to buy drugs may seem like a coincidence when it is not.)

Self-monitoring (like mindfulness) can also assist with choice awareness and increasing self-efficacy: "Perhaps the most important aspect of resisting an urge is your belief that you can resist." (Watson & Tharp, Self-Directed Behavior)

 

[AmZ]

Thanks for the links Daniel.
I'll have a good read of them.

I definitely see the leaving of work early being the start of that and what it ended up in so am trying to be more aware of the avoidance in particular. It's a word I have sure heard a lot from psychologists and psychiatrists. I really want to be able to see and understand what is going on in my own mind so of course am trying to work really hard on this and everything in general.

The self harming goes back longer than I first thought (or realized. Whatever the correct phrasing may be). I blocked out a lot from my childhood and teenage years or at least, I have the/some memories of things but never questioned them at the time, neither have I questioned them since. Only now in therapy am I like 'Ahhh'. Just need to look at the visible scars and think back to how I was 'injured' to put the two together. 3 'old' scars and 1 new one from the other week. The oldest goes back to when I was 12/13 years old, then the next at 15 or so, then 20 or so and now 25. Hope I can not keep following this little sequence here.

Always more and more coming out in therapy. More painful things and more realizations. i.e. my mother's depression and anxiety which was confirmed by my dad on the phone the other day. Just came back to me when the therapist had asked about my mum and I remembered that she often had heart palpitations (never knew what/why that was when I was a kid/teenager) but remember that happening a lot, plus general unhappiness and anxiousness. My Dad told me on the phone that since the first time they met when she was 23 years old, she had anxiety and depression and never did anything about it, ever. She had a very bad patch with it when she was 23 years old (sounds slightly familiar?) and then really bad postpartum depression after she'd given birth to my sister and coped very badly. And all the way up until now, still unhappy and all the rest of it. As much as my Dad likes to deny it, he is also a pretty anxious person and extremely sensitive and emotional. He had a 'mental breakdown' when I was 14 years old or so and it was awful. It was due to having a traffic accident but there was always more to it that he liked to admit. Even after, he said he had a virus (sound familiar?) and the doctor sent him to a psychiatrist and my Dad was convinced for 3 months that it was a virus all the time... This all comes together nicely in to explaining perhaps, a lot or at least a little about.... me.

I'm just really upset about everything. I can't help but feel this sense of being 'doomed' and that I will never be happy.
I worry less about myself and think that I can deal with all of these things by myself, but when it comes to my future and marriage and children, I'm very scared to get in to that because of what I went through and saw with my parents. I don't want to be that unhappy and uncaring mother, or that emotional and out of control wife. I don't want my kids to see me when I totally break down and stay in my bed for a month with the curtains closed. I don't want to be the wife that always is searching for something better in life and ends up wrecking her marriage and abandons her kids and ends up with nothing for the rest of her life.

I know that I am in therapy and I am not denying that it's a very good thing I am doing and I am 'glad' (can just about say that!) that this has all happened and come out in the last 4 months, but on the other hand, I just still feel that doomed feeling and not happy, confused, don't know what I want, don't know what I don't want... the list could go on.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I can relate to what you're saying. And I'm a lot older than you. I have struggled with depression/anxiety/self-harm/eating disorders/suicidal thoughts/PTSD/OCD since I was very young and it does make me sad to look back and see the crappy life I had and actually still have.

You're getting help and there is hope though. What you're dealing with is treatable. And everyone in the world struggles with something like this. Maybe it's a mental illness or a physical illness or helping someone who has mental illness or physical illness. We just have to try to do better and get help.

 

[AmZ]

Thanks CD.
I know that not all is hopeless in my situation. It is seriously difficult to say that (at least right now).

I'm feeling really awful. Like I'm just shutting down mentally and physically. Like I'm close to death, God forbid or something...

Last few nights have slept even worse than usual. Really bad dreams, then wake up in the morning and having terrible intrusive thoughts and visions going around in my head. Visions of my niece in her pram and a truck coming towards it and me saving her and pushing the pram the other way, but then in turn, pushing it in to another oncoming vehicle. Then visions of my friend who died in a quad bike accident whilst on holiday a couple of years ago, having awful visions of that and playing it out in my head. And other things like visions of a small girl that has been ran over by a car in the middle of the road, laying there, lifeless. Loads of things like this.

I wonder what happens if the 225mg of Effexor doesn't assist in anyway, then 300mg doesn't... Then the psychiatrist said about adding some other medication alongside the Effexor. What else is there that they can add? I have no knowledge about this.

Thx.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Those visions sound scary. I'm sorry.

Has your psychologist said anything about hospitalization? I know that sounds drastic but sometimes it can be helpful.

As far as medications, I've taken an anti-psychotic with my anti-depressant medication. It was helpful to me. I've also been on two different anti-depressants at once. There are different things they can do with meds. It's just kind of frustrating trying different combinations and still feeling bad.

Thinking of you.

 

[AmZ]

Thanks again CD

Thanks for the info about the additional medications that are available - So what exactly do the anti-psychotics do? I guess asides from those, the only other option would be to switch to try a different anti-depressant? Unfortunately, all SSRI's are not an option for me due to the bad side-effects I had before when I tried two different ones.

About hospitalization - I am still functioning most of the time, going to work and asides from leaving work early a couple of times, haven't had any sick days for a month or so. As long as I keep managing to function like this and not self-harming (and no thoughts of ending my life) then I don't think they'd take me in anyway and I don't think I'd want to go either.
So I'm really trying to keep going here... and keep it together as much as possible.

---------- Post added at 04:49 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:13 PM ----------

As my therapist is away for this week so I am not meeting her, she said she'd catch up with me via email/phone during the week. She emailed me this morning and said she looked at the logs (which are stored/shared online) and that I need to stop doing the thoughts/feelings/events (obsessions and compulsions log) for now. I usually update it a couple of times a day and add when and as necessary. She said that I need to stop obsessing over things and just focus now on action of doing things. What I put in the log are not just obsessional/worrying thoughts but also about my dreams and intrusive thoughts etc. Anyway, I think that it helps me to release and write these down, and I think it's good for the psychologist to see, but obviously she's not seeing it as a good thing for me now, so I will go with it and stop for now.

So now I have a daily log of 'pleasurable things' and I need to do 1-3 things daily. Another log also is automatic thought vs. alternate thought, so I have to do 1-3 of those also daily. I can do the thought log but the activity log is rather difficult. There's not so much I want to or have a desire to do. I just about manage to pluck up the energy and enthusiasm to do anything, let alone thinking and doing things that I find pleasurable. All I'm planning on doing this week is going to work three times which takes up those days completely, meant to be back to the gym, so hope to go twice, and see my sister one day. Asides from this, maybe I can try some origami or get back to my sketchbook, but both of those things make me pretty anxious to be honest, so it's not so pleasurable.
The psychologist says about doing social things. Pfft, it's hard enough for me to sit there and just doodle in my sketchbook, let alone go and socialize. I am feeling very unhappy right now and am thinking that I don't even want friends and that I'd rather be alone so don't even want to make an effort with that, let alone to even have the enthusiasm and get-up-and-go to do it in the first place even if I wanted to do it!

This s*** sucks... I guess that I am referring to life.

 

[Daniel E.]

am thinking that I don't even want friends and that I'd rather be alone

In case you aren't aware of it, you are probably rationalizing, e.g.

Avoidants who say they want to be alone are often really expressing a fear of connecting...

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/anger-management/24053-over-thinking-things.html#post174596

Similarly:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/shyness-...ted-with-an-anxious-awkward-social-style.html

 

[AmZ]

Avoidants who say they want to be alone are often really expressing a fear of connecting...

Not going to disagree with that... And I know that I need friends and connections but just feel like I can't do it right now. I'm feeling too bad and negative and everything.
I wasn't so avoidant before the anxiety and depression started back in June. I was still trying things in order to try and meet people etc. I can admit, fine, a little avoidant and not trying everything I could possibly do. But now I'm just tired of it all and tired of putting all the effort in and being let down by it all in the end. I've really been hit down this time, and hard and I'm not doing so good at getting back up right now. To some degree, I can do things, like hopefully get back to the gym which is a good thing, and do this and that, go back to studying next week for 4 hours twice a week and speak with people and will make the effort as it's a neutral environment... You can go there and sit and say nothing to nobody and no-one will think you are abnormal, or you can do the small talk with someone, and I am fine with doing that. But that's all I feel I can do right now. Things like going to play soccer with a bunch of 20 screaming American teenage girls (no offense Americans!) is not my kinda thing right now.

On one hand, I know that the psychologist has to try and push me to do things, but on the other, some things are not feeling possible for me to do right now but I am not counting them out for the future.

I am just honestly feeling under water here and coming up for quick gasps of air now and again so that I don't sink completely.

 

[Daniel E.]

or you can do the small talk with someone, and I am fine with doing that. But that's all I feel I can do right now.

That would be a good start (re-start).

 

[AmZ]

I can go and do that but it doesn't change my outlook on life.
Plus stuff from the past if annoying the heck out of me and I'm very upset about, including family relationships which I feel a lack of right now and from the past that no friend can possibly fill.

 

[Daniel E.]

I can go and do that but it doesn't change my outlook on life.

On one hand, I know that the psychologist has to try and push me to do things, but on the other, some things are not feeling possible for me to do right now

So you are letting your negative thoughts and feelings dictate your behavior?

 

[AmZ]

Well, if I wasn't happy with my job (due to my thoughts and feelings about it), then I would go and get a new job. That's not correct?

If I am unhappy with life (due to thoughts and feelings about it), then I guess I will carry on and keep searching for what I actually want out of life - But I just feel like I've never been so happy and don't want to live life just being semi-content. I'd rather just go and get drunk, get some weed and go through life just like that... Would rather be totally messed up and not give a darn... Just carry on with the boringness and numbness of it all, and worthlessness about it and get the knife out of the drawer for some feeling maybe. Just don't see the point in it all.

I'd be for sure a lot happier if I had a big/ger family where I am. I don't even have it back in England. Here I have just my sister who is busy. Just want some love, care and that closeness that you get from family members. I have nobody just to give me a darn big hug and kiss and say "I love you". I really don't think I can gain so much from friendships and even if I were to say maybe I could, it takes so long to create that bond and long term friendship. I'm so far gone from that, it's been 10 years since I had that.

 

[rdw]

It is so difficult to push oneself to change established thinking patterns however the more one practices the easier it becomes. Five minutes, ten minutes will become 30 minutes and then one day you will be shocked to find you are enjoying yourself again. (Surprise - was that a real genuine laugh?) The small steps towards positive thoughts and postive interactions will provide rewards over the long term. I agree with your therapist - put away the obsessive/negative thought journal and focus on the fun activities of the day.
I bounced along the bottom of my depths for so long that even I was sick of me. So I started counselling and listened to my counsellor's advice. I began a life even when I did not want to, was too tired to, or was sure I would not like a certain activity or the people there and they would not like me. Each week I forced myself to do three things and eventually began to take part in activities out of my comfort zone. Some I liked - some I did not but I did not quit or give up on myself. Each try made it easier to try again even when my thoughts were negative - that made the difference for me. After six long years of downward emotions and fears I have a renewed enthusiasm for MY life. Don't get me wrong this is still a work in progress. However, I have some really great weeks now and can handle setbacks without retreating into my old negative coping "solutions".

 

[Daniel E.]

I really don't think I can gain so much from friendships and even if I were to say maybe I could, it takes so long to create that bond and long term friendship. I'm so far gone from that, it's been 10 years since I had that.

That's another very common rationalization of discounting the potential benefit (including the benefit of engaging in anything positive) and then saying it's not realistic, anyway.

Another common point is that potential benefits can include one growing as a person, in addition to meeting psychological needs/wants.

And, AMZ, you had also mentioned romantic relationships, e.g. marriage, before. Something some people forget is that just dating can be fun, which is a point Albert Ellis used to make. The same can be said about forming friendships -- the process itself can be fun and rewarding, not just anxiety-provoking: "Fear is excitement without the breath" (Fritz Pearls). My favorite point Ellis made about romantic relationships applies to friendships as well:

You are bringing in these catastrophes....instead, think: "There must be some human beings who like me as I am. Let's see if this is one of those human beings."

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7965308202224028422#

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/general-...e-advice-how-to-overcome-this.html#post149712

Each week I forced myself to do three things and eventually began to take part in activities out of my comfort zone.

And to reiterate that point, just knowing/feeling one is going in the right direction (though that awareness/feeling may come and go) helps a lot. That positive feeling can abate during periods of goal ambivalence, but behavior oriented towards subgoals is one thing that can help with that.

Also, to quote Carl Rogers:

I find I am at my best when I can let the flow of my experience carry me in a direction which appears to be forward, toward goals of which I am but dimly aware.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/client-c...arl-rogers-the-flow-of-becoming-a-person.html

 

[AmZ]

Thanks as always for the replies.

I bounced along the bottom of my depths for so long that even I was sick of me.

I know the feeling! After 3 weeks of therapy, I'd quite frankly had enough of my own voice and that's where I came to not saying enough and in not being honest with the therapist and felt much worse for it. Anyway, now she seems to have changed her approach with me and is not talking so much about negative things or events that upset me to this day. They are still far from being dealt with however, so I hope we'll return to those and talk about the others that we haven't yet, at another time.
RDW, I am glad that things are better for you and that you persisted along with things. I admire your strength and determination. Well done.

I'm really trying also and as bad as I feel, I am putting in the effort. Today, I have some things on my agenda. Amongst them is to go back to the gym today which I am due to do and am up for that, also to make some coping statements for myself and fill out my thought log homework, do some art which counts as one of my pleasurable activities today and then tonight I am going to an open lecture with a friend... Oh yes, I guess that I can kind of term her somewhat as a friend. It's the woman I bumped in to several weeks ago that I used to study with. I sent her an SMS yesterday to ask how she is and she invited me tonight to this lecture, so going to go to that also. That's a big 3 pleasurable activities on my list to do today. Not much time to sit around and get in to a bad way by myself in my apartment.

Another common point is that potential benefits can include one growing as a person, in addition to meeting psychological needs/wants.

Agreed.

And, AMZ, you had also mentioned romantic relationships, e.g. marriage, before.

Yes, my dad and sister tell me that all I need to do is get married and that will solve a lot of things for me. I see how it could in some respects, but in other respects, well, 2 things.
First of all, me and my sister and very similar. She was in the same situation as me before she got married. No friends really, not knowing where and what she wants out of life etc. She is now just over a year in to marriage with a 3 month old baby and a couple of weeks ago broke down trying to me saying how she thought marriage and having a child would give her the answer to a lot of things and fulfill her, and that she is not feeling that.
It's not to say that the same thing will happen to me of course, but for me, I'd rather sort myself out by myself rather than get married and try to build myself through that support that comes with marriage. I'd rather 'find myself' now and go in to a marriage being at least a little more 'steady' within myself. I couldn't imagine getting married like I am now with all the issues and the rest of it.
There are other things which I have issues with in general with getting married, having kids and in general relationships for the future. I am just so scared about the future and my tendencies to be anxious/depressed etc, that I don't want it to affect my future relationships with people, especially more so with a husband and kids. It's something that I've been watching my whole life with my parents and how their relationships with others and between themselves was rocky because of their tendencies (and more than your average person, I know everyone has some form of issues or can be i.e. more sensitive, less open, etc) and it was unpleasant to watch to be frank. Both watching from the outside and in being affected by mainly my mother's anxiety and depression and what the outcome of that was, wasn't pleasant, and in seeing my dad have a mental break down and how that was for him, plus again being affected by that as a kid and seeing awful things.... I'm, I guess, just very hesitant. That's why I know I often come back to the thought of just being by myself because even though I feel awful, at least I can just about deal with things by myself, and even if I can't, then it won't affect anyone else anyway, because there is not really anyone else in my life that it can affect.

Anyway, I can see all of these things luckily, so it's a good start and something to work on.

 

[AmZ]

Don't even know how I managed to get out of my house this morning. For the last 4 days I've been feeling gradually worse and this morning was awful in all respects. The anxiety and OCD has come back pretty bad also... so is a horrible mix of depression and anxiety
Woke up with bad anxiety and stomach, shaky, irritated, restless, was just rocking myself all the time even when standing up whilst I was getting ready for work.
Tried deep breathing for 30 minutes and it helped a bit, but took me ages to leave my house and travel to work.
On the bus, I just closed my eyes and listed to my music and got to my destination and was the last one off the bus. I struggled so much to open my eyes and get up off the bus.
I'm totally out of it and in a state of silence. I keep closing my eyes at work and don't want to open them back up. I just want to curl up in my bed and lay there.
My appetite has nearly all gone in the last few days and I don't want to eat. Last night I slept a little 'better', if you class better as waking up 3 times in the night, instead of several times. But I'm tired mentally and physically and my body hurts and have had a headache on and off for 3 days.
Couldn't fall asleep for a while last night even though the night before I hardly slept and both looked and felt exhausted last night. And I'd gone to the gym during the day and was active all day.
Really bad day for me today (and week in general. Worse than last week. And last week was worse than the week before that, etc.)