Relapse

[Ashley-Kate]

people tend to say that relapse makes us stronger that it helps us in futur recoveries but i don't really get that. i have relapsed many times before in my e-d and well it is nothing compared to this time. Alll the other times i was getting out of a forced hospitalisation and my only plan was to basicly lose the weight they made me gain, and here i am almost 2 months after my "doing good" i relapsed. My nutritionnist weighed me and it was too much to handle i couldn'T take the not knowing( cause i chose not to look) i freeked out and when i got home i weighed myself as i was a bit dissapointed in the result i decided i would watch more carefully what i ate, but then came the day i went and visited my college dorm room then te college itself and everythig started becoming to real! I freeked out and then the restriction started even worst than many times before. i have'T binged though nore have a i purged i have been trying my best to keep on eating just a bit so that i keep that as a habit but i feel lost i feel like i failed myself and i am scared cause i don't want to go through this again, the hole starting over again, i'm so scared cause i know what is happening to me now. I spoke to a social worker from youth protection that used to fallow me when i was a minor she wanted to see me so i went to her office and i bursted into tears, telling her that i don't know what i want anymore i want to know what it is to live but i am scared. I feel as though i am using my anorexia to hopefully one day find peace and be happy or continue until i finally reach happiness or die. It's been 5 days since my relapseevery day draws me farther and farther from hope and i am terrified i am mving in 2 months and i don't want to go to school this way
ash

 

[ladylore]

Re: relapse

Ashley Kate -:hug::hug:

I am glad you talked with the social worker. Its great when we have someone around who has cared about us for many years. I am glad she is there for you.

Challenge your thinking about the relapse. It was a relapse. No more no less. It doesn't take away from all the hard work you have done. It may have been caused by stress or even trying to live up to a belief that you have.

Reading your post a couple of questions came to mind that may help you figure things out. What does happiness look like to you? How do you know when you have reached that place of happiness?

It happened 5 day ago. So you have had 5 days of going back to the healthier behaviours - and that is great.

I am glad you reached out. Take care of yourself. :hug:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

no i haven't had 5 days of getting better i have had 5 days of just giving up! i let myself go. What is happyness i don'T know but i am hoping when i get there i will know!

What is wrong with me why am i just unabel to stick to it! why is it so hard for me to just let go of my anorexia and live without it why am i so attached... why can't i just let myself live why do i have to constantly punish myself for existing?

 

[butterfly88]

Ashley -

The most important thing you need to hold on to right now is the belief that you are not a failure. You had a set-back - that is human nature. You can not beat yourself up over this - or expect that you should be perfect - none of us - not on this panel and not on this earth are perfect. We all make mistakes, we all have set backs and we all experience troubling times. You are not a failure.

You are a strong woman who has proven to yourself before that you can do this. But you are feeling weak and vulnerable now. Embrace the feeling - but don't let it overwhelm you. Try to remember how it felt to be in control of your life when you were eating healthy. You felt empowered - and strong. Then you were in control. You can feel that way again - you will feel that way again. Try hard - so hard not to belittle and berate yourself for being human. Try not to place such super-human expectations on yourself. Set small, realistic goals for yourself each day - something you know you can accomplish so you can feel proud. And gradually increase the goal - little by little - baby steps and you'll get back to where you want and need to be. And just keep reminding yourself that you are worth the fight - you are not a failure - you are a beautiful human being who deserves to be healthy and happy.

 

[Halo]

AK,

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling but I agree that a relapse doesn't take away all the hardwork and success that you have had. It just means that you had a rough few days and now need to get back on track. I know that it is probably easier said than done but do remember that you have a lot of support and people that care about you, including us here.

Take care and be gentle with yourself :heart:
:hug: :hug: