Hello,
I've been experiencing a lot of insecurity and jealousy in my relationship, and was wondering if anyone had any coping ideas/skills they could share with me. I'm engaged and my fiance and I both have serious trust issues stemming from traumatic childhoods.
When we first began dating, I put up a front. I acted like I was too mature and too confident to get jealous-but that was a lie. All I accomplished back then was hurting him while I thought I was protecting myself.
We got past that and he eventually discovered that I was actually quite jealous, indeed. We agreed to openly communicate to the other about how we were feeling in order to get us past it.So I did. Everytime I felt insecure or jealous-for whatever reason-I talked to him about it. At first, he was very supportive and re-assuring.
But now, (because he says it's all I do) just gets defensive and angry. This makes me angry b/c he is as insecure and jealous as I am, and I go out of my way to console him when he's feeling these things. I feel that it's very hypocritical of him to judge me for feeling the same terrible emotions that trouble him.
I don't bring up the issue anymore, and I don't ask for reassurance anymore--it's not worth the arguing. I feel sad and disappointed. I thought he was the person I could feel safe talking to about these issues; I thought he was the one who would understand and at least try to make me feel better-no matter how often it took. But now I just try to ignore the insecurity. And I try to push the jealousy away, and I hope that one day I'll feel better and I won't have to bother him with it anymore. I just put on a "happy" face and if he asks "what's wrong?" I lie or change the subject to avoid a fight and to avoid further feelings of isolation. Can't he see that being angry at me when I'm feeling like this only spawns more insecurity? He tells me that I've ruined all the "good times". I ruined the night we got engaged, I ruined romantic evenings on vacations, I ruined his birthday, I ruined holidays, etc. How can he say I ruin everything and then expect me to feel good about myself???
Any advice is appreciated!
I've been experiencing a lot of insecurity and jealousy in my relationship, and was wondering if anyone had any coping ideas/skills they could share with me. I'm engaged and my fiance and I both have serious trust issues stemming from traumatic childhoods.
When we first began dating, I put up a front. I acted like I was too mature and too confident to get jealous-but that was a lie. All I accomplished back then was hurting him while I thought I was protecting myself.
We got past that and he eventually discovered that I was actually quite jealous, indeed. We agreed to openly communicate to the other about how we were feeling in order to get us past it.So I did. Everytime I felt insecure or jealous-for whatever reason-I talked to him about it. At first, he was very supportive and re-assuring.
But now, (because he says it's all I do) just gets defensive and angry. This makes me angry b/c he is as insecure and jealous as I am, and I go out of my way to console him when he's feeling these things. I feel that it's very hypocritical of him to judge me for feeling the same terrible emotions that trouble him.
I don't bring up the issue anymore, and I don't ask for reassurance anymore--it's not worth the arguing. I feel sad and disappointed. I thought he was the person I could feel safe talking to about these issues; I thought he was the one who would understand and at least try to make me feel better-no matter how often it took. But now I just try to ignore the insecurity. And I try to push the jealousy away, and I hope that one day I'll feel better and I won't have to bother him with it anymore. I just put on a "happy" face and if he asks "what's wrong?" I lie or change the subject to avoid a fight and to avoid further feelings of isolation. Can't he see that being angry at me when I'm feeling like this only spawns more insecurity? He tells me that I've ruined all the "good times". I ruined the night we got engaged, I ruined romantic evenings on vacations, I ruined his birthday, I ruined holidays, etc. How can he say I ruin everything and then expect me to feel good about myself???
Any advice is appreciated!