I remember being scared of airplanes flying over, b/c I thought he might see me- and come and get me. I really thought if it were him he would land the plan nearby and come and get me. I remember sitting on the floor w/ my sister, and something went wrong- I don?t remember what it was, and he took our heads and crashed them into each other. I remember the pain was almost unbearable but what was greater was the confusion. I remember seeing him explode time after time, yelling so much that I would think he would have to faint- but he never did. I remember hiding in my closet until they were done yelling, knowing no place was safe. I remember lying awake in my bed, hearing them scream at each other late at night, crying myself to sleep. I remember crawling on the ground to the room they were in, trying to hear more of what was being said, sometimes alone, sometimes with my sister. I heard a lot of accusations, a lot of rummaging in the past, a lot of put-downs. I remember hiding behind the kitchen counter, trying to make myself invisible, while the screaming went on. I remember literally hiding in a room, alone, sometimes w/ everyone else, like prisoners until he would leave. I remember dreading the days he would be home and yet feeling guilty about feeling that way. I remember how I would make sure everything was in order, clean up, hide things only to minimize any potential of him getting mad. I remember him screaming so much that his spit would roll down his cheeks, his eyes would be all white, his face flushed red. I also remember sometimes standing up to him, throwing myself in his way, after verbal pleas and begging did not help, to prevent what I could prevent. I remember sitting in the car, wondering whether the people in the other cars couldn?t hear him scream- surely they could. I remember him stopping at the side of the road, inviting one of us, mostly her, to get out of the car and walk. I remember watching her pick up the phone, holding it far away from her ears, pretending like she was listening, but knowing if she would let him scream for as long as he wanted, eventually he would stop or hang up- what was the point of having him scream in your ear about nothing and everything? I remember how one moment everything was wonderful, and suddenly it was hell. I remember and even though this was then and not now, I still remember. Things still escalate, blame, guilt are still his best friends. But you learn to avoid it, you learn to be ?diplomatic?. I?m not putting blame on anyone, I?m just remembering all of these things.. But what do I do w/ all of this now? Remember and forget? Pretend like none of it ever happened? See it as a normal part of growing up or (family)life? Does any of this even matter, or is it just making a big deal out of nothing???