timesnotpoison
Member
I'm the oldest daughter of a psychosomatic, achievement oriented, secretly mean Narcissist.
For as long as I can remember I've had a consistently chaotic, negative and crazy-making relationship with my mother.
My parents are still together and my father enables her behavior, and supports her financially.
My mother has not been employed for twenty years (except for brief periods of working at a florist's and then quitting).
When she started as a "full-time mom" it was to "properly" raise my three siblings and I, and once we became old enough to become independent she claimed she still couldn't work because she was not well enough. With that being said, she does have legitimate health problems, such as an irregular heartbeat; but she puts an inappropriate, dramatic twist on such facts and regardless of her lack of financial income, she takes all credit for my dad's work.
I'm in a particularly prickly situation, as a young adult with a college degree who is not financially independent yet and still living at home. In college I lived out of state, which was paid for by my student loan providers. After graduating I lived with my boyfriend, but they would not accept such a thing so I told them I was staying with a female friend. They ignored me for 6 months and then insisted I move back home. Although I was working, my mother put forth a tumultuous, agressive fight which included threats, and verbal and psychological abuse, and took away the keys to my car, making me lose my job. My parents use money to manipulate me. They present me with "gifts" that will "make me successful" and then hold them above my head or take them away when they decide that I don't "deserve" them, such as my car.
Let me make this clear, I have been persistently searching for steady work for over a year. I have an art degree and I don't live in a city so there are very few jobs in my field in the area. I have tried to branch out, but I have not found a full-time, steady opportunity yet. I have been employed several times, and I have not been fired from any of these positions, they all have sort of faded away. Right now I am working odd jobs and making enough to pay for my cell phone bill, car insurance, and student loan payments, but I went to college and I'm a hard worker and I know I can find something steady and become financially independent at last.
My parents harshly criticise me and badmouth me to my family and their friends. Rather than being understanding and helping me they take advantage of my "free time" by making me run errands, clean the house, and "babysit" my teen brother. They expect me to commit full-time to my mother's responsibilities instead of looking for work or advancing my life. In their eyes, I should not care about my social life, and I should be closest to them, although they are cold, condescending and negative. They "push me" forward by having long "interventions" with me, during which they share cruel, scarring, sometimes ridiculously unjustified accusations of me and become aggressive and dramatic if I politely disagree with them.
They do not respect my boundaries. I lie to them very often about where I am, in their perspective if I am not at work I should be at home tending to the families every need. My mother obsesses about tragedies that she saw in the news and sends me numerous articles and such about them, and brings them up at inappropriate times rather than asking me about my life.
My father holds me accountable for my mother's abuse, insisting that I don't communicate with them enough, which is why they "need" to give me "tough love"; but every friend or event I share with them is twisted and held against me, so why would I want to share?
I am very close with my younger sister, who is much more passive than I am. My mom tries to pin us against each-other, and we recognize this and it doesn't get to us. My sister lives out of state and asked me if I'd like to go live with her. I started interviewing for jobs out there and spent one week searching for work before my mother turned it into a fiasco and forced me to come home. Although my sister has her own apartment, my father co-signed the lease (?) and so in my mother's mind, it's their decision if I'm allowed to live there.
There are a lot more job opportunities in my field out there, and I really want to live there, but I know my mother will do everything in her power (take away my car, laptop, health insurance) to prevent this from happening unless she decides its a good idea.
My aunt also offered me a room in her house, which is about an hour from my parent's house. My parents seem okay with this idea although I have not acted upon it as I fear that my aunt will act similarly to my mother, as they are sisters.
I would deeply appreciate any advice on how to deal with this situation. I feel like I'm caught in a downward spiral and being held back by my parents. So I ask
For as long as I can remember I've had a consistently chaotic, negative and crazy-making relationship with my mother.
My parents are still together and my father enables her behavior, and supports her financially.
My mother has not been employed for twenty years (except for brief periods of working at a florist's and then quitting).
When she started as a "full-time mom" it was to "properly" raise my three siblings and I, and once we became old enough to become independent she claimed she still couldn't work because she was not well enough. With that being said, she does have legitimate health problems, such as an irregular heartbeat; but she puts an inappropriate, dramatic twist on such facts and regardless of her lack of financial income, she takes all credit for my dad's work.
I'm in a particularly prickly situation, as a young adult with a college degree who is not financially independent yet and still living at home. In college I lived out of state, which was paid for by my student loan providers. After graduating I lived with my boyfriend, but they would not accept such a thing so I told them I was staying with a female friend. They ignored me for 6 months and then insisted I move back home. Although I was working, my mother put forth a tumultuous, agressive fight which included threats, and verbal and psychological abuse, and took away the keys to my car, making me lose my job. My parents use money to manipulate me. They present me with "gifts" that will "make me successful" and then hold them above my head or take them away when they decide that I don't "deserve" them, such as my car.
Let me make this clear, I have been persistently searching for steady work for over a year. I have an art degree and I don't live in a city so there are very few jobs in my field in the area. I have tried to branch out, but I have not found a full-time, steady opportunity yet. I have been employed several times, and I have not been fired from any of these positions, they all have sort of faded away. Right now I am working odd jobs and making enough to pay for my cell phone bill, car insurance, and student loan payments, but I went to college and I'm a hard worker and I know I can find something steady and become financially independent at last.
My parents harshly criticise me and badmouth me to my family and their friends. Rather than being understanding and helping me they take advantage of my "free time" by making me run errands, clean the house, and "babysit" my teen brother. They expect me to commit full-time to my mother's responsibilities instead of looking for work or advancing my life. In their eyes, I should not care about my social life, and I should be closest to them, although they are cold, condescending and negative. They "push me" forward by having long "interventions" with me, during which they share cruel, scarring, sometimes ridiculously unjustified accusations of me and become aggressive and dramatic if I politely disagree with them.
They do not respect my boundaries. I lie to them very often about where I am, in their perspective if I am not at work I should be at home tending to the families every need. My mother obsesses about tragedies that she saw in the news and sends me numerous articles and such about them, and brings them up at inappropriate times rather than asking me about my life.
My father holds me accountable for my mother's abuse, insisting that I don't communicate with them enough, which is why they "need" to give me "tough love"; but every friend or event I share with them is twisted and held against me, so why would I want to share?
I am very close with my younger sister, who is much more passive than I am. My mom tries to pin us against each-other, and we recognize this and it doesn't get to us. My sister lives out of state and asked me if I'd like to go live with her. I started interviewing for jobs out there and spent one week searching for work before my mother turned it into a fiasco and forced me to come home. Although my sister has her own apartment, my father co-signed the lease (?) and so in my mother's mind, it's their decision if I'm allowed to live there.
There are a lot more job opportunities in my field out there, and I really want to live there, but I know my mother will do everything in her power (take away my car, laptop, health insurance) to prevent this from happening unless she decides its a good idea.
My aunt also offered me a room in her house, which is about an hour from my parent's house. My parents seem okay with this idea although I have not acted upon it as I fear that my aunt will act similarly to my mother, as they are sisters.
I would deeply appreciate any advice on how to deal with this situation. I feel like I'm caught in a downward spiral and being held back by my parents. So I ask
- How can I maintain a civil relationship with my mother in the time that I still am living with her?
- How can I convince her to "let me leave"
- How can I go about becoming independent despite all of these obstacles?
