[Trigger] Revisiting the past

[Jazzey]

For the past few weeks, since my last therapy session, I've thought about my past. A few memories or thoughts have come back to me which I've journaled in preparation for my next session. I did this particularly so that I wouldn't forget those ideas, or dismiss them too quickly. I was thinking that I'll let my psychologist tell me what's relevant and what's not.

For instance, a recurring nightmare that I had as a child, and which I still sometimes have (I've had recent memories which lead me to think it may not be just a dream). Or, my fear of basements - for which I may now have a reason.

Generally, I've been feeling calm, almost grateful to have these little epiphanies every once in a while. Blips of memories - which may or may not be real. But they're still what my brain is bringing up - for whatever reason. I've actually felt more like myself than I have in a very long time.

This week though, every time I close my eyes, I see the monster from this summer. I'm remembering every detail - even details that I had forgotten since that time or not even noticed at that time.

My question is this - do others who've been the victim of rape, when trying to deal with other parts of their past, succumb again to the memories of rape? What makes these come back again? (I hadn't really thought about the rape in a few weeks - at least, not like this).

 

[HBas]

I cannot answer since I have not been through something like that but Jazzey, You are very brave and I am writing to let you know that I can see how you stand up to those monsters in your writings and it inspires me to face mine - everyday, a litte step at a time.

I so hope that you find the answers.

HB

 

[Jazzey]

Thanks HBas. Most days I'm really ok now. These thoughts just seem to resurface at times without my appreciating what drew them back in.

As for being brave, I think I'm just trying to move forward at this point. I have this nasty habit of staying in thoughts that enable me to keep punishing myself. Just trying to change those old patterns.

Thank you for the sweet words HBas. They do mean a lot to me :hug: :hug:

 

[HBas]

And it's all true.

I hope you are doing much better - you should never punish yourself for something that you have no control over but that is So Much easier said than done! I hope the positive thoughts attack you and take over your mind leaving you overjoyed and smiling!

Take care dear Jazzey!

:support: :airkiss:

 

[forgetmenot]

I am glad you are doing well Jazzey. Do i succumb to the memories when revisiting the past only in emotions. Very strong emotions I guess the memories of the past are so intertwined that when dealing with one part of it that triggers in some way other part of the memories to come forward. I am sorry the part about that night comes back to haunt you I hope with your T help you will be able to diminish the times it happens take care Jazzey you are very strong to attack this issue and others of your past.

 

[texasgirl]

Jazzey,

I have memories of rape that come in waves, with details that become more vivid and then die down again. The fear, disgust, anger, and sadness come with it, but then the emotions calm down. What I am dealing with right now is the fact that having been raped by my psychiatrist when I was inpatient at a state hospital and my ability to trust my current therapist. Since he is the only therapist in my town who deals with psychotic disorders, I am pretty much limited (in terms of finding a female therapist).

In any case, I, too value the memories that do come up about this and all the other abuse, since it helps once again to validate the experiences. I don't think that the memories of long ago experiences (for me anyway) are as chronological as they are pieces of a puzzle.

I wish you much support and hope this is helpful.

Take care,

TG :hug: :hug: :friends:

 

[Jazzey]

Thank you Mary and TG. I think that the memories are so entertwined to the emotions that are resurfacing that I can only assume that this is why they're revisiting me now. But I'm a lot better with respect to what it does to me physically and mentall - I'm just exhausted from having the thoughts. While the memories are disturbing, they don't nearly have the same effect on me as they did even a few short months ago...Progress.

And thank you TG. I think that you're the first person I've heard be grateful about getting some of the memories back. Thank you for sharing that part of it. Sometimes, when I have a reaction that I don't necessarily see others having, I dip back into the thinking patterns that I'm making it all up again.

And like you, there is no direct chronology to the memories; it's more of a mishmash of pieces that I try to place in my history based on other pieces of information.

:hug: :friends:

 

[Charity]

it's more of a mishmash of pieces that I try to place in my history based on other pieces of information.

That's interesting; I've been trying to do the same thing lately. I remember most details of my abuse quite clearly-- but I can't for the life of me think exactly how old I was at the time. I know I was at least ten or eleven and no more than fourteen... Sometimes I'll try and use little things like, "Well, I didn't have glasses yet, and I got those when I was 13 or 14... " or other such things that might let me know exactly where in my childhood these memories fit in.

Strangely enough, I'm surprising myself with this process... I'm starting to suspect that my memories of my abuse aren't quite as crystal-clear as I've always thought. Well, if I can't even remember how old I was, how clear can they be?? I'd better stop and go think about this before I hijack this thread entirely. Sorry, Jazz, you've gotten me on a roll....!

 

[Jazzey]

Roll away with it Charity. You and I share the same thought processes here. Feel free to hijack - I'm guessing your thought processes will give ME some great insight. :friends:

(that is exactly what I do - I tie the memory to real memories or places that I know I was during that particular incident - it's my historical locator).

 

[texasgirl]

Jazzey and Charity,

I do, too - usually to photographs of me as a child. Frankly, I have virtually no memories of my childhood before the age of 12 but some that have come up over the past few years especially when I was told by outsiders about what actually happened to us. For me, it's all about validation, I guess in part because we were told forever to keep everything secret. To a child, this creates a great contradiction, especially when the perpetrators profess to love you and then hurt you so badly.

Take care,

TG :friends::hug:

 

[Jazzey]

Frankly, I have virtually no memories of my childhood before the age of 12 but some that have come up over the past few years especially when I was told by outsiders about what actually happened to us

Funny how that is TG. Until last summer, I had always had this weird 'feeling' that I had been abused. And each time that this thought came into my mind, I'd quickly dismiss it as 'melodramaticizing' my life.

In 2001, I saw a psychologist after a fairly intense experience - I forgot my name, my address, my phone number. I could recognize myself, but I couldn't really string a sentence together and when asked this basic information, I couldn't give it.

I saw this psychologist once. When he started to dip into family history - I took off on him. Didn't say a word, just left and never went back (even though those sessions were school mandated - I was in University at the time).

All of this left my brain since then - never once thought about it. That is until last summer. The 'monster' told me that story about when we were kids. In that instant, everything came flooding back. Not necessarily memories, but the certainty that those feelings had been bang on all along...Some snippets of that even have now come back to me.

Here's the weird part about all of this - as bad as my experience with rape was last summer, that isn't what really bothers me. I'm fairly certain that I was completely dissociated for the entire 10 days that he was in my home. What bothers me are all of those snippets from the past - only because, like you, I want the validation, I want the certainty - in the events, in the people that I'm remembering - everything.

The rape - that I'm 100% clear on. I know the perpetrator and what he did. When I was 12, I also know what happened, and same for when I was 14, 16, 19, 21, 23, 25, 28 & 32...(weird writing this down - it looks even more ridiculous in the written form). It's the stuff from childhood. All of those other people from later in life are already in my bad books - I know how to protect myself from them now. What about the people that I don't know? That's exactly how the rapist came to my home for 10 days...I just didn't know.

 

[texasgirl]

Your description is uncannily like my own in the sense that my current therapist asked me to provide him with a history. I was able to recount everything hook line and sinker from the age of 14 on, even though I do also know that during some of the things that happened including rape when I was older I remember the feeling that I wasn't "there" even though I remember the events.

I don't know what forces the issue of validation so much except to say that because what happened to us was meant in part to take away our humanity, our very beings, by taking an essentially unformed child and ripping away their trust. Now, come hell or high water, I want it back. Maybe I can't get it, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it. I don't even want to confront anyone. I just want validation and somehow to connect the pieces so as to be a whole person with a continuous history.

I am so so sorry you had to endure so much, Jazzey.

TG :hug::hug:

 

[Jazzey]

Now, come hell or high water, I want it back. Maybe I can't get it, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it. I don't even want to confront anyone. I just want validation and somehow to connect the pieces so as to be a whole person with a continuous history.

Bingo TG. Except that I really think that we can get that trust back, that we can get all of it back - through a lot of hard work. Maybe learning to trust our own instincts again? (instead of seeking that external validation which makes us HUGE targets...I think).

And like you, I have no desire to confront anyone. That knowledge is for my own peace of mind, for my own strength - no one elses. I just want to know so that I can understand some of my fears or reactions - so I can get to that trust again, develop those skills that I seem to never have developed.

I am so so sorry you had to endure so much, Jazzey.

Thank you TG :hug: :hug: :heart: And I'm sorry for what you've been through too.

I know this may sound sick, and I don't mean it to - but I'm actually grateful about everything for right now (at least really trying to be grateful for the knowledge that came with the experience...I don't know if this makes any sense). It explains so much about my personality - things for which I really couldn't forgive myself or didn't like myself. Now I can put it into a 'sort of context' and not be so hateful towards myself. Maybe learn something and not keep doing everything for another decade or so?

 

[texasgirl]

Thank you, too, Jazzey. And you are right on about having internal validation rather than leaving ourselves open (which I firmly believe for myself led to my trusting the wrong people in later years).

With respect to how I feel about myself now, I have to say to a certain extent that I agree with you in so far as my having a modicum of pride about having come through so much. On the other hand, when I hand over my "history" to therapists, they often don't know where to start or how to deal with it. To which I respond, "imagine having to live it - you're just having to read it." And, despite it all, there is strength left in us to go on, to try to improve ourselves, to understand ourselves, and to move beyond a life of being captive to our pasts.

You are so helpful to me. I really appreciate it, Jazzey.

TG :friends:

 

[Jazzey]

Thank you too TG. You always help me with these thoughts - thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know it's not always easy to talk about these things. I'm always struck by the level of your strength TG

:friends: :airkiss:

Added: I wanted to thank everyone who's shared with me on this thread. For the next little while, I have to stay away from this thread. I think it's affecting me. I've been having some pretty bad nightmares. But please keep sharing on this thread. Because when I can finally shake these nightmares, I'll be back to read all of your stories. Thanks again everyone for being so generous with your stories. :hug:

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks Jazzey TG and Charity your responses have been very helpful and i see all your strengths and i hope you get the answers and healing you so deserve