Running On Empty

[Cavi]

My T suggested getting some relaxation tapes b/c I have such difficulty sleeping...I got one and popped it in the CD player and well, it scared the ebby jeebies outta me!...I was fine when it first started, it was only music...
But when the woman started talking it just absolutely threw me into a tizzy...

I hurried up and shut it off, I told my T what happened and she told me not to listen to it again...Last night K was looking through the CD's and found that relaxation CD...She asked me what it was and I told her, well she put the blasted thing in the CD player...The music started and once again I was fine but I asked K to take it out....K being K, refused so I got up and went in my bedroom and shut the door...

She TURNED the volume up...I had a full blown panic attack and I don't remember all that I did, anyways she finally shut it off...I went to bed and kept having flashbacks and I barely slept last night...I went out for my run this a.m. and on the way back I got really tired...I had to fight to make it back...(I was 5 miles out)...

I haven't eaten anything and I am edgy...which in turn is making me depressed even more...I don't want any part of food!...I'm not crying, but my chest is tight and I can't sit still...I don't want to bother my T so I am trying to sit with this...

I have no clue why that CD bothers me so bad...My brother that was arrested for felony stalking and harrassed me and my parents, use to be a hynotist and magician...But I remember everything he did to me, he tried to hypnotize me once when I was younger but it didn't work...

I feel like a total idiot for reacting the way I did...My T would like to strangle K to begin with (Not literally) so I'm hesitant to tell her about this last fiasco....

Needless to say, the CD got pitched!........RIMH

 

[Cat Dancer]

Ugh. Sorry about the cd and what happened with K.

You're definitely NOT an idiot for reacting that way. We all have things that trigger us for different reasons. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Cavi]

Thanks Janet...RIMH

 

[foghlaim]

I feel like a total idiot for reacting the way I did...My T would like to strangle K to begin with (Not literally) so I'm hesitant to tell her about this last fiasco....

Needless to say, the CD got pitched!........RIMH

I totally agree with what janet has said above,,,YOU are not an idiot...
and I agree with your T.. re K. what she did was uncalled for!! and insensitive to say the least!.

I'm sorry you are really having a bad time. but do relay what has happened to your Therapist.. she needs to know what is happening in your life in order to be able to help you.

Good for you for pitching that cd.. like a frisbee was it... still going i hope.. .

 

[Cavi]

Good for you for pitching that cd.. like a frisbee was it... still going i hope.. .

LOL..RIMH

 

[ThatLady]

What K did was cruel and controlling, RIMH. There's no excuse for that behavior. You're a kinder person than I, I must say. I might have been tempted to cram the CD down K's throat!

Do tell you therapist about this. She can't help you if she doesn't have all the data to work with. :hug:

 

[Cavi]

I use to rage bad at K...Now, I yell but its like an empty yell...kwim?...I will tell my T and I have a feeling she is going to want to talk to K...In the beginning of my therapy with my ex T, she pulled K in session one night b/c K was telling me things were happening that weren't...She hasn't tried that stunt since!...RIMH

 

[Cavi]

Ok, I'm struggling with a decision...We always had cake and ice cream on anyone in the families birthday...I feel like if I don't do it tomorrow for mom's than in a way I'm not celebrating her birthday...But theres one HUGE problem...I didn't have the ED when my mom was alive and sweets are a major trigger for me to go off on a bad binge...I've been good since this past Sunday and I'm afraid that I'll get triggered if I have that stuff...

But I feel like I am being selfish, its moms day...I know if she were alive and knew about the ED she would tell me not to have it...She liked to go to the movies and out to eat so I'm doing both of those things tomorrow...I've been thinking of where her and I use to go to eat that would be less of a dangerous thing for me...

when I starved myself and than started the binge/starve cycle my body developed a sensitivity to sugar and salt...the bingeing has been more predominant in the past year than the starving, its starting to affect my kidneys...I've been having problems with my eyes to only when I binge tho...

I really don't know what to do...I am trying to stay upbeat b/c if I take a nose dive it will only make tomorrow harder...So how do I come to peace with not having the sweets?...RIMH

 

[Into The Light]

I know if she were alive and knew about the ED she would tell me not to have it...She liked to go to the movies and out to eat so I'm doing both of those things tomorrow

this is your answer. she would not want you to do this because it's not a good thing for you. honour that, honour what she would have wanted. instead of cake and ice cream, maybe you can make a playdough cake of some sort and put some real candles on it? that way you can blow them out and there's a birthday feel. going out to dinner and a movie is a good idea too, it's something she loved, and won't be a trigger to you from the sounds of it.

 

[Cavi]

Hey Ladybug thats a cool idea! Thanks!...Yeah it would upset her if she knew I did something to hurt myself b/c of her b-day...We had a difficult relationship alot of times but theres no doubt she loved me...RIMH

 

[Cavi]

ok, now I know I've lost it...I was in the spa tonight and when you lay in the lounger it faces west, anyways it had started to get dusk and there wasn't a star in the sky...I swear!...My mom's favorite color was blue and when I turned the lights on the spa, what color showed up first but blue...

I got a little teary eyed but acknowleged it and than left it alone...I looked up and saw this light in the sky, at first I thought it was a plane but it stayed there...I realized it was a very bright shining star...No other ones in the sky...

I connected that star to my mom...I've been struggling tonight not to binge and when I saw that star it was as if she was with me...It's so hard for me at times when I trust no-one and I feel like I am this world alone...Yeah I have K but....I know alot of this is my own doing (being alone) but I've been so distrustful for over a year and I don't know how to trust...

My T says she cares, and I keep asking myself but what does that mean??...
I know what the word care means but I can't feel or touch, or read her mind to know if its real...Even if it is, her caring can't change anything...She or anyone else can't give me what I need...

I knew a lady from another forum and she didn't do anything wrong, but I walked away from the friendship...Most (99%) of people can't stand me, 1. they don't have the patience to deal with my learning disorder and also when I get under stress I stutter BAD!...2. It has to do with the fact that I feel intimidated of not having the knowledge that alot of people have...

I relate to animals...Especially horses and dogs...My horse that I had was the one that helped me come back from the emotional seizures...Alot of times I feel like a jungle girl trying to fit into society...I taught myself to play the electronic keyboard and my mom use to love to listen to me play...The day she died I played, that was the last time I ever touched it...

2 years ago, I gave it away...the lady came to get it and she was asking me questions about the painting above the couch, about my pc. and something else (can't remember) and I'm like I dunno...I felt like finding the nearest hole and crawling in it!...I kept myself isolated for years and years when I was agoraphobic...

So basicly, my conversations skills suck...I can write what I feel, but thats as far as I go...My mom and I had a difficult relationship but she was the one person that accepted my disabilities and loved me anyways...I couldn't get my ex T to understand why my mom's death was so hard for me...

Mom was the one that went up against K, or my siblings when they were giving me a hard time....If I said something, well lets put it this way, the door listens better to me!...I was always an outcast b/c I quit school and didn't have kids...I am soon to be 45 and my family treats me as if I am still that dumb kid.....................

Sorry didn't mean to get off on that...Point was the star and my mom........RIMH