Sad about Sister's Suicide

[healthbound]

Tomorrow (well, technically today) is my sister's death date. I'm sad.

It's been several years since she died and it is still overwhelmingly sad sometimes. Every year is a little different. This year I still an increase in anxiety and had dreams but the anxiety was less and the dreams were different. The dreams morphed into reoccurring ones I have about the house we lived in as teenagers (usually I will get gory nightmares for a few weeks before her death date). Even though the dreams still suck, I think it's a good thing they are changing.

Anyway, I just wanted to write a quick note here because I can. I've talked about her here and so I know I can also talk about being sad. Not exactly sure why I don't feel like I can talk freely about my sadness to other people ---or why I seem to think I need her death date to feel it, but it is what it is. And after having said that, I even feel awkward writing this.

Maybe I just wanted to tell someone that I feel sad. Somehow seems to honor my sadness and seems to honor her. Sucks that she's gone and the people in my life don't even really know she existed. Seems strange since she's such a big part of me (for right or for wrong).

I've got my therapist appointment first thing tomorrow then a couple of other appointments. After those I'll head up to her grave and spend some time with her. Being at her grave is actually very grounding for me. Sad...but grounding.

Anyway, here's to you Frog, :flowers:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I had a similar anniversary on December 2, HB... the loss of my daughter. The loss doesn't get any easier as the years go by. It just gets easier to cope.

 

[sister-ray]

:hug::hug::hug:

 

[Meg]

I am very sorry for both of your losses :hug: :hug:

Healthbound, I hope that by honouring your sister today you will find some peace amidst the sadness.

 

[NicNak]

Thanks Healthbound for sharing your story with us. I am glad you feel comfortable talking here.

I am sorry for the loss of your sister. I wish you peace :hug:
===============
And sorry for your loss too Dr Baxter. I wish for you peace too :hug:

 

[Jazzey]

:hug::hug:

 

[Retired]

My thoughts are with you both at what must be a difficult time.

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[kimmy]

We think of you :cat3:

 

[white page]

:hug:Healthbound:hug:
:hugr. Baxter :hug:

my heart is with you both . :support:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Sorry, folks - I didn't intend to hijack HB's thread. It was really just to express to her that I know that these times can be hard.

 

[amastie]

Tomorrow (well, technically today) is my sister's death date. I'm sad.

.....Maybe I just wanted to tell someone that I feel sad. Somehow seems to honor my sadness and seems to honor her. Sucks that she's gone and the people in my life don't even really know she existed. Seems strange since she's such a big part of me (for right or for wrong)....Being at her grave is actually very grounding for me. Sad...but grounding.

Anyway, here's to you Frog, :flowers:

I live in Australia, what seems like a million miles away and yet, through you HB, I know that she existed, and that part of her will always exist while you have breath and somehow, in me too, there is a place in the back of my mind that is reserved for the thought of her now that you have brought her to me. I'm glad you are able to attend her grave and allow that to ground you

Hearts and flowers to you, and to her.

:flowers: :heart: :flowers: :heart:

I feel honoured that you have shared about your sister with me.

For now,

amastie

 

[amastie]

I had a similar anniversary on December 2, HB... the loss of my daughter. The loss doesn't get any easier as the years go by. It just gets easier to cope.

Having been quick to reply to HB's post, I hadn't seen yours which followed it, David. Please know that my heart goes out to you also. I'm currently grieving the recent loss of my beloved dog but I know that that is nothing to what you and HB have experienced.

Please know that I hold you and your daughter's memory in my heart at this time.

:support: :flowers:

amastie

 

[NicNak]

Sorry, folks - I didn't intend to hijack HB's thread. It was really just to express to her that I know that these times can be hard.

I am sure HealthBound understands and we do too. :juggle:

:hug: :hug:

 

[amastie]

Yes
amastie

 

[healthbound]

Hi Everyone...and thank you all so much for your wonderful and supportive words It was really nice to log on and read the replies even though it was last week. Thank you.

And thank you David for sharing about your daughter. One of the most prevalent feelings I have is feeling alone in my experience. People don't seem to talk about loss very much. Especially if the loss is combined with trauma. I immediately felt comforted by simply knowing someone else I know has experienced something similar. Thank you.

On top of her death date last week, I was hospitalized for abnormal blood tests (high d-dimer) that led doctors to believe I might have a blood clot. After a number of tests, they said they couldn't see one. I still feel horrible though (physically). I just did an over night oxygen test and will know the results from that tomorrow.

I wonder if my physical ailments are related to PTSD with my sister??? I really can't stand feeling so crappy anymore and need to figure it out soon. I can't function like this anymore.

Maybe my crappy health is due to my binge eating? I dunno. I'm sleeping MINIMUM 10 hours (but mostly 12 - 14 hours) per night and I STILL feel like I've been hit by a truck. My entire body hurts and I'm exhausted.

Comments, guesses, personal experiences and hijackers welcome
Thank you again everyone for your support.

 

[Jazzey]

Just a very warm :hug:....

Jazzey added 917 Minutes and 49 Seconds later...

Hi HB,

I couldn't answer this thread last night but, I will now. You were in my thoughts then, as you were again today.

So here goes -

Maybe my crappy health is due to my binge eating?

From my experience, the binge eating is only part of the equation. I know that you've had a tough time emotionally lately; do you think that your binge eating is related to where you are emotionally?

On top of her death date last week, I was hospitalized for abnormal blood tests (high d-dimer) that led doctors to believe I might have a blood clot. After a number of tests, they said they couldn't see one. I still feel horrible though (physically). I just did an over night oxygen test and will know the results from that tomorrow.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. It's a lot to handle. I'm wishing you good health very soon. And, yes, I believe that your symptoms could be related to your mental health. That's why I think it's imperative, when we feel lousy, to really push and make efforts to really care for ourselves mentally (and physically). And, I think the physical flows from feeling better mentally. Hard to take care of ourselves when we're here...requires twice as much effort as normally but I think it's really important to remember the goal at the end - our total health.

Comments, guesses, personal experiences and hijackers welcome

I don't wanna hijack your thread! But I'll gladly share a little of my recent experiences where I've asked myself the very questions you asked here last night. I've been going from medical appointment to medical appointment (frankly *sick* of the appointments). I'm in physical pain which sometimes dissipates, but never for too long. Any amount of stress, and boom - I'm ready to cut off my lower back. At the beginning of this week, my upper back muscles were so tense, you could have flicked a quarter off of them. Now that they've finally started relaxing, they're still killing me.

At the beginning of the week, I had something really stressful to deal with. to add to the situation, something triggered a very nasty anxiety attack that pretty much remained with me for three days (finally starting to come down from it).

Those were the physical symptoms. Now for some of the weird emotional ones - anger, almost rage and an overwhelming sense of sadness: all neatly tied up with a bow of confusion for me as to the source of the emotions (although I think I've figured it out now). I'm usually a very calm person who has never shown anyone anger; it usually takes a lot for me to feel anger but, even then, I would never show it.

The anger got me in trouble professionally - showed a little too much sarcasm and anger at the WRONG person. I'm not too worried about it for the time being - well, because it's done. But, I am conscious that it's probably diminished my credibility in certain areas of my job. And really hoping that those feelings of rage/anger (whatever you call them) don't come back.

Morale of the story - Once I started thinking about the source of all these emotions, the physical pain did lift a little. More importantly, I started realizing that I now wanted to take care of myself. Throughout the entire thing, I made it a point to eat very healthily because that's what works for me. By the end of this week, I actually wanted to eat healthily - which indicated to me that I was fairing better mentally. And I'm looking forward to being able to exercise again really soon.

I don't know if any of these things help HB but, I did want you to know that I'm thinking of you and, that I really hope that you will take care of yourself :hug:

Keep us posted on how you're doing.

 

[NicNak]

Hi Heathbound. Sorry to hear your not feeling well :hug:

I sleep alot too and still feel like I was hit by a truck, some days too. :vroom: takes me forever to pull myself out of a sleep state.

Sorry if this sounds silly but I was wondering if maybe ontop of everything else, is there a possability it is your bed adds to making you feel achy?

I'm sleeping MINIMUM 10 hours (but mostly 12 - 14 hours) per night and I STILL feel like I've been hit by a truck. My entire body hurts and I'm exhausted.

I know I had to buy a new bed and it helped a bit. At least with the aches it did. I am still tired.

I sometimes have a warm bath with Epson Salts, it is supose to help with aches.

I am sorry I can't be more assistance to you. I hope you feel better soon :support: :hug: :flowers:

 

[white page]

On top of her death date last week, I was hospitalized for abnormal blood tests (high d-dimer) that led doctors to believe I might have a blood clot. After a number of tests, they said they couldn't see one. I still feel horrible though (physically). I just did an over night oxygen test and will know the results from that tomorrow.

Hi Healthbound ,
Suicide is a very violent experience for everybody close to the person who ended their own life , apart from guilt, we feel anger because of the emotional
violence we experience , but it is very difficult to express or even admit to that anger . there are so many ambivelent emotions whirling in our heads that it is very difficult to cope with at times .
May I suggest , (only if you feel ready) , that you write out how you are feeling, as if you were addressing your sister . tell of the grief that you feel , tell her that you would have liked to say goodbye . At times we need to formalise and ritualise our feelings to step through the different stages of grief , and telling her how you feel in writing may help you to step over the next threshold and reclaim another bit of your own vitality .
hugs wp