Scaring Myself

[GDPR]

I feel a little scared of myself right now,and the way I am feeling. And the way I am thinking.

I am extremely stressed out,and when I get like this,I just want to end it,so that I don't have to deal with the way I feel.

I am trying to ride this out and I keep reminding myself that the way I am feeling will pass,that I could wake up tomorrow morning and feel 100% different.But at the same time I am telling myself that I should end this sh*t permanently,that even if the way I am feeling does pass,it will come back again...and again...and again.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Riding out the feeling is definitely the right thing. Can you call your therapist for some extra support?

I am thinking of you and sorry you're so stressed out. Is there something physical you could do to get some of the stress level down? Take a walk or squeeze one of those stress balls. I know that sounds simplistic. I wish I could think of something helpful.

 

[MHealthJo]

Would it help LIT to talk about the topic of the stress?

Or maybe you can tell yourself, it is entirely possible that the feeling will become much rarer as you continue learning and healing..... It can get to the stage where it rarely comes back again......

 

[GDPR]

I'm sorry,I shouldn't be posting at all when I'm like this. So,I will stop.

 

[Andy]

I'm sorry,I shouldn't be posting at all when I'm like this. So,I will stop.

I think posting when your "like this" is exactly what you should be doing. Maybe people here can give you some support to help sort out your thoughts. Personally, keeping everything ruminating in my head is THE WORST THING I can do because it just piles up and piles up and then things typically get worse.
If you don't have anyone you can use for support (even if it's just for today) please feel free to use this forum, that's one of the main things it is here for. :support:

 

[forgetmenot]

LIT talk ok release the stress and yes the emotions will come and will go and in time you will learn better ways to cope with the onslaught of emotions but until then you reach out where ever you can for the support you deserve. You can talk here ok letting go of some of the stress hun not keeping it to yourself helps hugs to you

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hey there LIT,

We understand, to varying degrees, what you're going through... Not exactly what you are going through, but we've been through stuff and we've been where you are... Do you feel you are overwhelmed but are afraid to talk about it? Why are you afraid to reach out to someone? Shame? Guilt? Neither of those should be something we victims feel, but because of our upbringing, we sometimes turn to these thoughts because that's how it was drummed into our heads.

It's absolutely better to come here and share how you are feeling (what you are remembering, thinking, feeling, etc if you feel comfortable) rather than penning it all up inside.

You were likely trained that your feelings weren't important, and you've mentioned that you've felt you shouldn't talk about things before, likely because this was drilled into your head. Keep it quiet, keep it secret, keep it in the family... You're not allowed to feel, share, remember, because it threatens the (dysfunctional) family dynamic. You were told bad things would happen if you told. But remember, you weren't safe, you were just too scared to say anything (because of threats, manipulation, ingrained behaviours, belief systems, etc)...

Well now you are safe. You're an adult. You can talk to who you want about what you want when you want. You can break those old patterns by bringing NOT hiding things. You don't even have to tell us, you could write the stuff down and bring it to your therapist. Do you have an email you could send to him? Can you call him?

Remember, you aren't your thoughts, so you don't have to give in to them. If you think you are going to give in, call 911 or call your crisis line, okay?

In the meantime, even generally, please know you are safe to talk about things here. ♥

 

[GDPR]

I thought about calling or emailing my therapist,but I decided not to. I don't want to alarm him when there's a chance I could wake up tomorrow feeling 100% different.

I thought about killing myself.It seemed like the easiest solution.

And then I thought about getting wasted.I was thinking which would be better,to kill myself or get wasted.I'm here,typing right now,so it's obvious which I chose.

I hate myself!

 

[forgetmenot]

Don't hate you hun don't ok you are suffering enough without you attacking you. You do what is necessary to help you through this pain but i hope you don't drink too much hun tomorrow you will only feel worse ok try to get some sleep if you can Sleep is one way i escape from pain hugs

 

[GDPR]

You do what is necessary to help you through this pain

That's what I hate myself for right now.

---------- Post Merged at 08:48 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 08:34 PM ----------

This was a very bad idea.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Well, at least you stopped, because you recognized it wasn't a good idea.

Some people don't even try, they just succumb to numb.

Dealing with feelings is tougher, but actually it makes dealing with life better... I have a feeling deep down you probably know this.

But now that you've had a swig or two, drink lots and lots of water and chew on a little salty something like pretzels so you don't dehydrate... Even gatorade or a banana or something with potassium...

And when you get around to it, hopefully soon after you've had something to eat, stop feeling bad about yourself. You've feel bad enough without feeling bad about feeling worse! ♥

My two cents is next time take action and get some help from an email/call to your therapist... You are still self-harming when you make yourself ill with drugs or alcohol... By the way, can I ask, in the interest in your safety, are you drinking alcohol, taking some kind of drug, or doing both?

If you are doing both, or even just drugs, that's pretty dangerous... Alcohol consumed in copious amounts can cause alcohol poisoning... If you start to feel really awful you may have to call 911 anyway hon.

I hope you're okay! ♥

 

[forgetmenot]

you chose the lesser of two evils here hun

I have done the same
i sometime will take alcohol to calm me down just one or two drinks something i hate myself for too because i said i would never touch the stuff actually i was given the stuff because i was just so beyond myself in pain and anxiety.
The thing is hun alcohol was necessary if i did not take it i would have harmed me or even more

You coped the way you knew would help and although it was not the best coping skill it was better then giving into your suicidal thoughts right. hugs

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What was a very bad idea? How you chose to cope? or posting here?

 

[GDPR]

Posting here.

---------- Post Merged at 09:54 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:53 PM ----------

Both actually.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Why do you think posting here was a bad idea? I think it was a good idea.

 

[forgetmenot]

posting hun is a good coping mechanism you did good to post hugs

 

[GDPR]

I think it was a bad idea because it shows that I keep struggling.

I have such a hard time dealing with stress.I wish I could put into words what it does to me. And there's so much of it right now that I'm not sure how I will be able to pull myself through it.Or if I will be able to.

I feel completely worn down. Like I have been broken. I feel it in my soul.

---------- Post Merged at 10:24 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 10:23 PM ----------

I believe I may have reached my breaking point.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Of course you're struggling but that's not failure. Failure is giving up. And the whole purpose of this forum is to help people when they are struggling.

You CAN get through this, just as you have every other time. It's not pleasant. It's not what anyone wants to do. No one finds it comfortable. But you can and will survive it.

You're wounded and you feel broken. Most of us have felt that and you have felt that before too, I know. But you're not beaten.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." ~ Ernest Hemingway

We are broken and we heal. Sometimes we have to experience that cycle more than once, sometimes several times. But we rise again and we go forward and these experiences make us a little stronger the next time.

You may be at a breaking point. You may feel broken. But you are not beaten or conquered. You will prevail.

The alcohol is what makes you feel pessimistic. It focuses you on the negative. But alcohol doesn't make you see more clearly, just more pessimistically and more hopelessly. Don't listen to the alcohol.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi hun hope you are feeling a little stronger today hugs

 

[GDPR]

After I had my morning coffee,I decided to put earbuds in and go lay in the middle of my yard. I closed my eyes and listened to the music. And I could hear cicadas and birds in the background,it was like they were part of the songs.

And then I opened my eyes as I was listening.I noticed all the little things around me,like birds in the trees,bugs crawling around,etc.,and it was so moving it made me cry.

I stayed out there for almost 45 minutes.And now that I am back inside,I have all the same thoughts/feelings that I had yesterday,but they don't feel as huge and powerful right now.

I think I'm going to give myself another day or two,and if I am not over this 'episode',I may call my therapist.