Second post of the night..topic is "How can I start feeling good about feeling good?"

[HotthenCold]

Second post of the night..topic is "How can I start feeling good about feeling good?"

For some reason I have a very negative, cynical pattern of thinking that I revert to. I feel as if there is a panel of judges in my head that I need to justify my thoughts to. This panel is composed of the most cynical friends I have, and public figures who I respect, such as comedians like Doug Stanhope and George Carlin (both hilariously pessimistic in their views). For some reason I feel pathetic, delusional, and ridiculously sentimental whenever I feel loving or optimistic thoughts. I hate this because it keeps me locked in negative thinking. And to make things more distressing, I usually end up finding out that the real life versions of the people on my inner judges panel are actually much kinder and more optimistic than I had given them credit for. This leaves me feeling as if I am some twisted Gollum-like character who is now more alone than ever before since I have surpassed the negativity and cynicism of the people I was trying to impress.

Things are ok when I am on a roll and things seem positive and my need to impress the judges is minimal, however, when I am in a hole like I am now I feel as if I must impress ?The Panel? and it spoils any sapling that threatens to grow in to a healthy oak of optimism. I?m sick to death of feeling like I need to defend my happiness. I realize that some, maybe all, of the issue is that I don?t know how to stand up for myself and I continually try to please others. So how do I learn to do what is right for me no matter what? I?m sick of pleasing others, especially the negative crowd. I?m not a child anymore, so why am I trying to impress the ?cool? kids???:bash:

 

[W00BY]

Re: Second post of the night..topic is "How can I start feeling good about feeling go

Wow!

I thought I was the only one with that complex an inner monologue (tiring isn't it?)

I think it's quite something you have even managed to describe this mind battle you have and tbh not many people can be as clear as this about what is a very complex bundle of emotions, thoughts, feelings and actions.

There is an image comes into my mind from my childhood when I read your post because it resonates with my own thought complexities...

As a child there was this fence outside a house I used to wait for a friend at and it had the most amazingly large (in fact the biggest I've ever seen) rope knot...it was not one rope but many people had for some reason over years and years added to and it was massive. Funnily enough I loved untangling things, always have, and I would have a go at it every time I seen it and I would feel such a sensation of this is impossible, don't even bother, why are you doing this? and it was a near impossible task I was taking on.

However every time I had a go at it I did a bit more and it got less and less impressive and mentally defeating, I moved away eventually and that place got torn down.

I feel as if this is what many of us do on some level on this site within our own minds and inner selves each time we discuss our minds and emotions.

I certainly think this when I read your post, to be able to identify such a soup of emotions and be able to describe it as you do is untangling within your own mind a bit more of a massive ball that may never be completely untangled...but...each time you visit it... it gets smaller...less complex...not as scary...and easier to see where you can go next!.

 

[Ftbwgil]

Re: Second post of the night..topic is "How can I start feeling good about feeling go

Hi Hot and cold,

I can relate to what you are going thru and yes you did explain yourself quite well. I read a book about brain neuroplasticity and how I relate it to our situation is that I believe for whatever reasons our deep rooted belief of ourselves has somewhat become part of our fundementtal thinking sort of like a map. This can happen due to abuse personal perception .... all sorts of reasons. This fundamental belief map can be changed.... you can call it a map of internal beliefs. With neuroplasticity They change the brain map with people who have had strokes by repeated movements to create new pathways. There are only a limited number of space for these maps therefore they cannot be incrreased but can be changed. The bottom line is that when we do well we feel we do not deserve it and we subconsciously sabotage our success to meet our inner deep core beliefs. I believe these beliefs are from our inner child . Because here we are as adults acting out and not agreeing with our actions.

This is not a permanent I will call it affliction as it can be changed. Proof of that is that when we do work we get better. Sooo the unfortunate reality is that we have to do a lot of work to change our beliefs. Have you visited the growing the inner child program in this forum. Since I have been working this plan I have gained some strenght and it continues to grow. I am tryingto change my beliefs about myself. Just being rejected and abondonned can make us feel less worthwile... not loved... flawed.. agreesion is not necessary for us to feel worthless... not acknowledged not loved can do incredible harm and cause us to doubt ourselves.... and then you add abuse etc and that can really create huge harm and in most cases this harm is done to a child who never moves past the hurt... its usually stuffed inside of us ... deep down and it surfaces. Im doing a daily journal of enththiastic and positive reinforcement, I am doing the inner child recovery program with a recovery partner, reading books seeing a therapist. Its a lot of work and if anything I realize a lot of my energy has been directed towards my abusers filled with blame and self pity. This thiking is not helping me it is causing me to stay stuck. Sooo I have to make a greater effort to accept total blame /responsability for my actions... at the end of the day my abusers are not there to force me to act out.... I am doing this of my own free will influenced by a pissed off imature lonely lost inner child. So My goal is to get to know my inner child and give him the love support tools and confidence he deserves.

Bottom line its a lot of work.... real bummer or it can be seen a opprotunity to become a better person

good luck with your recovery... everybody deserves to be happy

 

[MHealthJo]

Re: Second post of the night..topic is "How can I start feeling good about feeling go

Getting new beliefs and values to feel more comfortable and "stick" does take practise and time, but it will happen as you reinforce those brain patterns HTC. Refer back to your CBT resources for the exercises that help create that stickiness and reinforce the positive thoughts that are good for you. Regularity of CBT exercises is the key when it comes to changing beliefs and thought patterns - just like a muscle that can do a new task more easily as it pumps iron and grows. In partular the 'pros and cons', 'for and against', 'devils advocate' type ones can be super killer for this.

And remember that you have come a long way already and definitely gained. It's very cool to see.