Seeking Answers, Acceptance As Key?

[aims1515]

Apologies in advance for the essay!
I have been reading lots of information and articles in the hope to ?feel better? or at least find some temporary comfort from what feels like my overwhelming emotions. I am 26 and have struggled with my mental health throughout my childhood but specifically (in medical terms at least) since I was 19 when I had a breakdown of sorts and started anti-depressant medication.

Since then I have been through various cycles of feeling better and then relapsing when met with life?s challenges. Despite this however I managed to gain an honours degree in Psychology and hold down part time jobs until graduating. I then worked full-time within residential childcare and I am currently in the same company working as an Assistant Psychologist. I had ambitions to work as a child psychotherapist and started a part-time masters in psychoanalytic theory and observation last year. In the last 18 months I have had particular difficulty since my parents moved to Spain (I am currently in Scotland) and I have no family in the area, my parents were often my crux at being able to cope during my relapses.

I have been up and down throughout this period but took a particularly bad spell this November (in hindsight what was probably a slow build up over the year) and have had to take leave from work in order to come out to Spain to try to recover with the help of my parents. My problem is two-fold; I am currently in a state of transition trying to manage these difficult emotions in an unfamiliar yet nurturing environment whilst trying to decide what steps I need to take in order to make better changes for the future. I do not want to continue in this cycle of recovery and relapse as the intensity has increased with each episode. One consideration is whether to relocate to Spain with the support of my parents. I have already decided that I cannot continue with my masters course as the intensity and introspective nature is too difficult for me to cope with just now (but perhaps maybe forever).

I am also questioning my role at work as suitable for me when I struggle so much with my own emotion regulation. I work with children in care with difficulties in attachment and their own emotion regulation. My passion and love for psychology is due to my own suffering and I know it's most likely why I am good at what I do. But I'm not sure whether it is healthy for me to work in this area when I struggle with it myself. I have always been able to put these doubts aside and continue my aspirations in this field but this current relapse is making me reconsider what I want to do at all, and what would be the best for me in terms of my own mental health.


In the short and unbearable time ?recovering? in Spain I have been doing lots of reading and searching for ?an answer?. Looking at mindfulness I am beginning to accept that my issues lie in my ability to deal with strong emotions and I am trying to accept where I am right now. My attitude towards myself has also improved as I try to practice self-compassion and fortunately I have seen some improvement day to day although I feel I am still struggling greatly. I am greatly impatient and I struggle to accept my current emotions. I have decided not to make any big decisions just now regarding moving but I do feel that being nearer my parents is an important value to me and gives me a sense of security I currently don?t have within myself. However, I will be returning to Scotland and to my job in one week and understandably I am fearful of not being able to cope.

Some days I can practice mindfulness using online guided meditations, but other times it is too overwhelming and I just want to retreat into the safety of my bed.
There are so many pieces of advice out there and different self help books and areas but I find it very confusing because in reality there is no right answer. I have realised I think that acceptance seems to be key and not to fight your emotions.

I can see why this would be key but really struggle to fathom it. How can you accept emotions that make you feel like life is not worth living?? How can you approach these emotions without fear and with curiosity and acceptance when the experience itself is so unbelievably difficult? My biggest fear is the experience itself and a future of constant relapses.

I can't bear to live my life constantly on edge of being 'unwell'. I feel like two different people; the me when I am well is capable and motivated but when I'm 'unwell' I am reduced to someone terrified by life and desperately seeking to feel better. i know that to recover I need to accept and not fear the future, but how can you not fear the experience of fear itself?

As much as I am trying to move on from my negative experiences and be more positive about the future, my memories are filled with despair and hopelessness. Focusing on positive memories from the past only makes me more desperate to feel better. I know I will eventually get there with time but for how long will I be well until another relapse?

i have little patience for feeling this way

 

[Daniel E.]

but I find it very confusing because in reality there is no right answer.

Right. It's about finding what works for you. Maybe acceptance is overrated. Maybe going to the gym is better for you than trying to think positive, etc.

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW, one opinion:

Mindfulness is better at keeping a person from getting depressed than from pulling a person out of depression.

Mindfulness Isn?t a Depression Cure-All

 

[aims1515]

Thanks that's actually really helpful and I definitely agree to an extent. I always thought that as I try to sit with my emotions and thoughts in the midst of depression that it is impossible to focus and tuning into those difficult emotions might not be overly helpful but only accentuate the distress (adding the frustration also of not being able to relax).

Any tips for when you're really in the brink of it? I have returned to Scotland and as I feared I haven't been able to cope and haven't been able to return to work (a self fulfilling prophecy perhaps but it's what has happened nonetheless). My difficulty now is that I'm without My parents here and face days without work to 'recover'. I have appointments and weekly therapy to help but getting through the days is the worst, how can I fill my day?

 

[Daniel E.]

Any tips for when you're really in the brink of it?

Changing the environment, like taking a walk or drive in nature or just going grocery shopping. (In the winter, though, that may obviously be harder or just plain dangerous if one is snowed in.)

Also: Dealing with Depression: Self-help and coping tips

 

[MHealthJo]

Getting out of the house in some way or another is a great suggestion.

When you feel you really can't, depending on your situation and what you are looking for, the internet of course offers so many different things to us now....

Some people like to find home volunteering or other things they can do at home, via sites like helpfromhome.org...

Reseach topics, reading projects, personal enrichment, courses or hobbies, looking at or doing some kind of art or photography or writing or something, or just plain old video games that are fun and engaging and can be pretty satisfying if you find good ones...

Of course though, the challenge during depression can be motivating oneself to actually do anything rather than nothing. That can be really tough sometimes.

What I find useful during those really worst times is total compassion and kindness and acceptance toward myself about it and about my doing of nothing (except maybe reading or chatrooms or something on my smartphone while I'm resting) until I feel like I've gotten through the worstest bit.

I'll also add a few favourite most helpful books / resources I always go back to to help me:

Climbing Out of Depression - Sue Atkinson
Feeling Good - David Burns
Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now, A New Earth, etc. (I like the audio versions of Eckhart Tolle especially.... really soothing for some reason.)

Listen to the Meditation Oasis Podcast | Meditation Oasis

librivox.org


I would also say, don't be tempted to look at yourself as a wimp or anything in any way. Depression or anxiety feelings etc at their stronger levels, are pretty massively horrible forms of human suffering.

That said, Eckhart Tolle's stuff in particular might help you toward that space where you can sort of.... get "space around it".... a strange sort of, a little bit of distance between you and the feelings.... hard to actually explain.... Russ Harris's stuff may be helpful in that way too.

Feel free to chat to us some more too, and sorry you are dealing with this really really difficult stuff.

Hang in there and know that over time, you will get more experience and skills and tools and stuff. It really can get easier and better, and if relapses do become an inevitability that you have to accept, they will end up with you remembering things that helped you at other times or remembering to read peoples stories to get ideas injected into you. Different options and ideas and possibilities will come. It can take time and be a winding road so be kind, patient and compassionate with yourself as much as you can. And know you are not alone, many many live this life and understand. Reading stories of others and knowing there are always others in a similar situation or feeling, helps me too.

 

[aims1515]

Thank you, there are some really helpful things there. It's good to know I'm not the only one who finds saviour in my phone, reading anything in an attempt to rest my head or give some clarity on my thoughts or listening to mindful meditations. They might not entirely work at the time but they get me through the toughest times.

And thank you for your kind words about recovery. Because I have been so wrapped up in fear every time I relapse each episode has got worse and worse. However this time I do feel I am tapping into new skills and tools so that maybe the next time doesnt need to be worse but I can have more faith and acceptance that recovery will happen.
You sound similar to me in that you like to read during your difficult times and try to learn from your experiences, I hope that in doing this you are right and that I things will get easier.
It's nice to know I am not alone