poohbear
Member
Ok. First, let me say I like this forum and am immensely appreciative of it's existence, as I have posted many times. On the same hand, I wonder why I have this feeling of guilt for posting my own problems (although I have before). I sometimes feel like I will be taking valuable time and attention away from someone who really needs it. Even so, I have been having such a hard time the last year and a half, that I feel I must write a summary and ask for a little unbiased advice.
I am currently separated and divorcing my husband. We separated in Nov of 06 and have done nothing but fight ever since. The reasons we separated were multiple, but primarily: we grew miles apart, I wanted therapy he didn't (til the last minute), he drank alot (denies it now), I decided it wasn't worth the hearache anymore and left. We decided on a shared custody agreement (week on/week off, even though it was difficult to get used to at first. Since then, this has been the arrangement. When we first separated, we were supposed to be in a trial separation, but he filed for a legal separation almost immediately, and I recieved notice on my birthday December 7th, barely a month later. We went on for months (disagreeing about everything imaginable, while he refused to pay child support). He even went so far as to refuse to pick up our sick children at school or to refuse to take care of them on his weeks. Of course, I would take them and miss work. I lost a good full time day position doing that. So, now I work 64 hours every other week (only 8 on the weeks I have the boys), just to make ends meet. I initiated therapy for my sons (the 14 yr old at first, then the 9yr old.) b/c I noticed such an increase in their stress levels and aggressiveness towards me. I carry so much guilt for leaving the marraige in the first place, I can't help but feel alot of this my fault. Alot is. But alot is also his fault. However, the kids blame me, outwardly. The 14 yr old in particular. It has come to the point now that the 14 yr old won't stay with me, he is especially violent towards me. He stays with his father most of the time, and visits me 3 to 4 days every other week. This has been going on since April. Now the 9yr old is exhibiting his same behavior, and I fear he will hate me too. Then, if this happens, the 4 yr old will most certainly hate me. What I fear most out of all this is that the boys will not want to be with me. Their father is more financially secure and offers them more of everything. He has the help in his life that he needs to raise three boys. I don't.
There is now a guardian of the court involved (who really, REALLY hates me and is very blatant about it). He has met with me once in 6 months and has met with my kids and ex multiple times. He has told my lawyer he will side against me. My family is screwed up beyond recognition, and I cannot rely on them. My support system consists of a bi-polar sister living across the country, and my parents who live here (my mom is an enabler and a psychologically unfit to even BE a mom, and my father molested my (half) sister-- the bi-polar one). I have one very good friend who is perfectly normal (with her own faults, though) that lives up North. I envy her drive and dedication, she has a full life, but no family. My best friend here is (literally) an uneducated woman, so very into the "man makes the rules, man of the house" lifestyle that I do not feel comfortable talking to her about certain things. I feel she is not an intellectual equal, although she has a pure heart of gold and the very best of intentions. I have gone to on-again, off again therapy b/c of my inability to cope, adjust. But, I cannot afford it regularly. So, for now, I have quit going. I have so very much going on in life, that I just sometimes feel so overwhelmed. Not the suicidal overwhelmed, but the close to the breaking point overwhelmed.
I have no degree, and I had so very wanted to go to Nursing school. Actually, I was in nursing school-- a 2 yr program, but each time I had problems, I had no support of help at home (when married) and I flunked out. So, my attempts are maxed out, and if I return, I will have to attend school a while, just to increase my GPA, then apply to get in a 4 yr program and PRAY i get in. My chances are slim. I work in a hospital and am very good at my job, I would have numerous good references, I fear not being able to do this in a timely manner to turn my life around, though. My schedule will not allow it, with the week on, week off thing going. I suggested antoher idea to my ex, of course he wont agree. Hell, he wouldn't even pay child support for 8 months, what was I even thinking making the suggestion at all? I am so tired of all the fighting and the bickering. I am tired of the week on, week off. I am tired of the kids being so unhappy. I hurt so much when I see them unhappy. SO much. I am at the point where I am tempted to just give up and give primary custody to my ex, but I fear that he will fight for full custody. He already asked once, but was unable to prove my "unfitness". I want what's best for them. They seem so happy with him, and so unhappy with me. How do you determine what's best for them? I know I can be a better mom if I didn't have to worry so mcuh about money, and getting my hours into work so I can have my bills paid and worrying about how to even pay the bills and such. I fell like I need to go back to school, but I can't do that with this custody arrangement. I feel like I have to give up custody or not go to school to have a better life. Then I worry that if I did give up the kids and went to school, that I would fail and all would be for nothing.
There is so much more involved, I cannot possibly put it all in one post. I think I just needed to vent, and would really like to hear from people who have had to live this, giving up their kids. What is it like, what are the regrets? I'm already 35 and can't afford to make big mistakes in life. I don't have much time left to love my children and to show them what kind of person I am. They will grow up soon, and will remember my decision for the rest of their lives. How can I separate myself and prioritize my life here? I'm really confused.--Pooh
I am currently separated and divorcing my husband. We separated in Nov of 06 and have done nothing but fight ever since. The reasons we separated were multiple, but primarily: we grew miles apart, I wanted therapy he didn't (til the last minute), he drank alot (denies it now), I decided it wasn't worth the hearache anymore and left. We decided on a shared custody agreement (week on/week off, even though it was difficult to get used to at first. Since then, this has been the arrangement. When we first separated, we were supposed to be in a trial separation, but he filed for a legal separation almost immediately, and I recieved notice on my birthday December 7th, barely a month later. We went on for months (disagreeing about everything imaginable, while he refused to pay child support). He even went so far as to refuse to pick up our sick children at school or to refuse to take care of them on his weeks. Of course, I would take them and miss work. I lost a good full time day position doing that. So, now I work 64 hours every other week (only 8 on the weeks I have the boys), just to make ends meet. I initiated therapy for my sons (the 14 yr old at first, then the 9yr old.) b/c I noticed such an increase in their stress levels and aggressiveness towards me. I carry so much guilt for leaving the marraige in the first place, I can't help but feel alot of this my fault. Alot is. But alot is also his fault. However, the kids blame me, outwardly. The 14 yr old in particular. It has come to the point now that the 14 yr old won't stay with me, he is especially violent towards me. He stays with his father most of the time, and visits me 3 to 4 days every other week. This has been going on since April. Now the 9yr old is exhibiting his same behavior, and I fear he will hate me too. Then, if this happens, the 4 yr old will most certainly hate me. What I fear most out of all this is that the boys will not want to be with me. Their father is more financially secure and offers them more of everything. He has the help in his life that he needs to raise three boys. I don't.
There is now a guardian of the court involved (who really, REALLY hates me and is very blatant about it). He has met with me once in 6 months and has met with my kids and ex multiple times. He has told my lawyer he will side against me. My family is screwed up beyond recognition, and I cannot rely on them. My support system consists of a bi-polar sister living across the country, and my parents who live here (my mom is an enabler and a psychologically unfit to even BE a mom, and my father molested my (half) sister-- the bi-polar one). I have one very good friend who is perfectly normal (with her own faults, though) that lives up North. I envy her drive and dedication, she has a full life, but no family. My best friend here is (literally) an uneducated woman, so very into the "man makes the rules, man of the house" lifestyle that I do not feel comfortable talking to her about certain things. I feel she is not an intellectual equal, although she has a pure heart of gold and the very best of intentions. I have gone to on-again, off again therapy b/c of my inability to cope, adjust. But, I cannot afford it regularly. So, for now, I have quit going. I have so very much going on in life, that I just sometimes feel so overwhelmed. Not the suicidal overwhelmed, but the close to the breaking point overwhelmed.
I have no degree, and I had so very wanted to go to Nursing school. Actually, I was in nursing school-- a 2 yr program, but each time I had problems, I had no support of help at home (when married) and I flunked out. So, my attempts are maxed out, and if I return, I will have to attend school a while, just to increase my GPA, then apply to get in a 4 yr program and PRAY i get in. My chances are slim. I work in a hospital and am very good at my job, I would have numerous good references, I fear not being able to do this in a timely manner to turn my life around, though. My schedule will not allow it, with the week on, week off thing going. I suggested antoher idea to my ex, of course he wont agree. Hell, he wouldn't even pay child support for 8 months, what was I even thinking making the suggestion at all? I am so tired of all the fighting and the bickering. I am tired of the week on, week off. I am tired of the kids being so unhappy. I hurt so much when I see them unhappy. SO much. I am at the point where I am tempted to just give up and give primary custody to my ex, but I fear that he will fight for full custody. He already asked once, but was unable to prove my "unfitness". I want what's best for them. They seem so happy with him, and so unhappy with me. How do you determine what's best for them? I know I can be a better mom if I didn't have to worry so mcuh about money, and getting my hours into work so I can have my bills paid and worrying about how to even pay the bills and such. I fell like I need to go back to school, but I can't do that with this custody arrangement. I feel like I have to give up custody or not go to school to have a better life. Then I worry that if I did give up the kids and went to school, that I would fail and all would be for nothing.
There is so much more involved, I cannot possibly put it all in one post. I think I just needed to vent, and would really like to hear from people who have had to live this, giving up their kids. What is it like, what are the regrets? I'm already 35 and can't afford to make big mistakes in life. I don't have much time left to love my children and to show them what kind of person I am. They will grow up soon, and will remember my decision for the rest of their lives. How can I separate myself and prioritize my life here? I'm really confused.--Pooh
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