Seeking Serious Advice

[poohbear]

Ok. First, let me say I like this forum and am immensely appreciative of it's existence, as I have posted many times. On the same hand, I wonder why I have this feeling of guilt for posting my own problems (although I have before). I sometimes feel like I will be taking valuable time and attention away from someone who really needs it. Even so, I have been having such a hard time the last year and a half, that I feel I must write a summary and ask for a little unbiased advice.

I am currently separated and divorcing my husband. We separated in Nov of 06 and have done nothing but fight ever since. The reasons we separated were multiple, but primarily: we grew miles apart, I wanted therapy he didn't (til the last minute), he drank alot (denies it now), I decided it wasn't worth the hearache anymore and left. We decided on a shared custody agreement (week on/week off, even though it was difficult to get used to at first. Since then, this has been the arrangement. When we first separated, we were supposed to be in a trial separation, but he filed for a legal separation almost immediately, and I recieved notice on my birthday December 7th, barely a month later. We went on for months (disagreeing about everything imaginable, while he refused to pay child support). He even went so far as to refuse to pick up our sick children at school or to refuse to take care of them on his weeks. Of course, I would take them and miss work. I lost a good full time day position doing that. So, now I work 64 hours every other week (only 8 on the weeks I have the boys), just to make ends meet. I initiated therapy for my sons (the 14 yr old at first, then the 9yr old.) b/c I noticed such an increase in their stress levels and aggressiveness towards me. I carry so much guilt for leaving the marraige in the first place, I can't help but feel alot of this my fault. Alot is. But alot is also his fault. However, the kids blame me, outwardly. The 14 yr old in particular. It has come to the point now that the 14 yr old won't stay with me, he is especially violent towards me. He stays with his father most of the time, and visits me 3 to 4 days every other week. This has been going on since April. Now the 9yr old is exhibiting his same behavior, and I fear he will hate me too. Then, if this happens, the 4 yr old will most certainly hate me. What I fear most out of all this is that the boys will not want to be with me. Their father is more financially secure and offers them more of everything. He has the help in his life that he needs to raise three boys. I don't.

There is now a guardian of the court involved (who really, REALLY hates me and is very blatant about it). He has met with me once in 6 months and has met with my kids and ex multiple times. He has told my lawyer he will side against me. My family is screwed up beyond recognition, and I cannot rely on them. My support system consists of a bi-polar sister living across the country, and my parents who live here (my mom is an enabler and a psychologically unfit to even BE a mom, and my father molested my (half) sister-- the bi-polar one). I have one very good friend who is perfectly normal (with her own faults, though) that lives up North. I envy her drive and dedication, she has a full life, but no family. My best friend here is (literally) an uneducated woman, so very into the "man makes the rules, man of the house" lifestyle that I do not feel comfortable talking to her about certain things. I feel she is not an intellectual equal, although she has a pure heart of gold and the very best of intentions. I have gone to on-again, off again therapy b/c of my inability to cope, adjust. But, I cannot afford it regularly. So, for now, I have quit going. I have so very much going on in life, that I just sometimes feel so overwhelmed. Not the suicidal overwhelmed, but the close to the breaking point overwhelmed.

I have no degree, and I had so very wanted to go to Nursing school. Actually, I was in nursing school-- a 2 yr program, but each time I had problems, I had no support of help at home (when married) and I flunked out. So, my attempts are maxed out, and if I return, I will have to attend school a while, just to increase my GPA, then apply to get in a 4 yr program and PRAY i get in. My chances are slim. I work in a hospital and am very good at my job, I would have numerous good references, I fear not being able to do this in a timely manner to turn my life around, though. My schedule will not allow it, with the week on, week off thing going. I suggested antoher idea to my ex, of course he wont agree. Hell, he wouldn't even pay child support for 8 months, what was I even thinking making the suggestion at all? I am so tired of all the fighting and the bickering. I am tired of the week on, week off. I am tired of the kids being so unhappy. I hurt so much when I see them unhappy. SO much. I am at the point where I am tempted to just give up and give primary custody to my ex, but I fear that he will fight for full custody. He already asked once, but was unable to prove my "unfitness". I want what's best for them. They seem so happy with him, and so unhappy with me. How do you determine what's best for them? I know I can be a better mom if I didn't have to worry so mcuh about money, and getting my hours into work so I can have my bills paid and worrying about how to even pay the bills and such. I fell like I need to go back to school, but I can't do that with this custody arrangement. I feel like I have to give up custody or not go to school to have a better life. Then I worry that if I did give up the kids and went to school, that I would fail and all would be for nothing.

There is so much more involved, I cannot possibly put it all in one post. I think I just needed to vent, and would really like to hear from people who have had to live this, giving up their kids. What is it like, what are the regrets? I'm already 35 and can't afford to make big mistakes in life. I don't have much time left to love my children and to show them what kind of person I am. They will grow up soon, and will remember my decision for the rest of their lives. How can I separate myself and prioritize my life here? I'm really confused.--Pooh

 

[Into The Light]

my heart really goes out to you. that is such a difficult situation. what has your lawyer done for you? your husband should have been paying alimony the past 8 months to start, and he's doing a lot to undermine you and has caused you to lose your full time job.

i am not sure the kids will be happier with him if he's drinking.

as for this person who hates you, the guardian of the court, you need to find an impartial person, someone who has the kids' best interests at heart, not your husband's. speak to your lawyer about this, because you are not getting a fair representation here.

with regards to therapy, can you get someone who works with a sliding scale? i think if you could get support from a therapist it would make this difficult time in your life a little more tolerable.

with regards to your kids hating you, divorce is really painful for children, and they can't understand everything right now. it will be hard but hopefully in time when they've grown up they will learn to understand why what's happening now happened, and they won't be angry with you anymore. just keep working at letting them now how much you love them. kids need to know they are loved. even if they are angry with you, that is the most important message to get to them.

i am really sorry for all the problems you are facing. sending you many hugs. :hug::hug:

 

[poohbear]

It was the 1st eight months that he didn't pay child support; he waited until it was ordered by the courts. That made things very, very difficult. And I couldn't afford a lawyer, so I had legal aid at first. She was not very helpful, only go tthe child support ordered, which I was eternally grateful for. My parents helped me pay the retainer for this one, after he tried to take the kids from me in April, and about the time the adlitum was assigned. My lawyer was not impressed with the adlitum, either, and still is not. He has done a few underhanded things, but nothing we can get him off the case for. We have had only one court date since his assignment, and at the time he had not done these things, so we didn't really have anything to say gainst the assignement. Since then, several things that make him look fairly biased and partial, which we will show in court, of course. My lawyer has gone to bat for me against him. He's a pushy, egotistical, opinionated, self-righteous man, who is supremely against the idea that he might have to compromise his first impressions (of me).

My ex WAS drinking alot when I was with him, even had a DUI. I was home (only working part time) to take care of them(the boys), though. So, he went to his "after hours meetings", or out with friends and such, and I cared for the kids. He did this alot at first even while separated on the weeks he didn't have the kids, proven by a bunch of receipts from bars that I got copies of. He changed the locks when he found out ( a few months after we separated) and as far as I know, doesn't drink around the kids anymore. I don't know if he is still binge drinking or not, but of course he says no, and if it can't be proven it won't be an issue for custody anyway.

I was on a sliding scale, or reduced rate. We have a great system here at work, I just happen to be out of money when the appointments come around. Gas has been so high lately, I had no disposable income whatsoever lately. Still don't really, but trying to catch up. School supplies first, though.

I plan on trying to continue letting them know I love them, but it just feels like they hate me. It's how they act. I don't tell them this, I don't want to make them feel guilty and I don't want them to show affection out of guilt. Also, I want them to be with me b/c they WANT to, not out of obligatory feelings. So, I have told the 14 yr old I will no longer force him to come over and visit, he can do so at his own leisure. It seems to have no effect, though, b/c his father makes him come over. He hates this, so of course, he blames me. It's been immensely hard for he younger ones, and each time the eldest atcts up, they get upset and cry, wanting to go back to daddy's house. It breaks my heart. Makes me think I'm a horrible mom, and such. Of course it doesn't help to have the two oldest acting out this way, telling me I'm a horrible person/mom.

I've come to dread my weeks with the boys. I dread it b/c of the fear that eventually they won't want to come over anymore-- some times it's already like that-- they cling to daddy and cry they don't want to go. I fear it will be that way today. (Sundays we swap). They used to do that with me, but it's rare now.

I know at first, when we separated, I said things that might have seemed like I was against their father. I admit that. We both did. I feel alot of parents make those mistakes. But I am really trying now to remain neutral. I try not to point out what the horrible things were in our marraige, not to the kids. I try to not talk about daddy at all, unless they bring it up first. I try really hard. But I fear I'm not doing a good enough job of it. Have I already screwed things up so badly that my boys hate me too much to forgive me for being human? That's my fear.

I don't know what I did wrong. How did I make such a mess of things that my own boys don't want to be around me. How can a mom try so damn hard to be there for her kids, do everything in her power to keep them, and them not see it for what it is, a love so strong? I have ALWAYS made my schedule around my boys, even before the separation/divorce. I have always done for the kids, school wise. Always been there for field trips, parties, etc. I have always taken good care of them in illness. I have found another full time job where I can (for now) work in 64 hours on the weeks they are gone, and only work one 8 hour shift when they are with me. What kind of horrible mom would work those unGodly hours, just to be there for her kids? I take them to their appointments, in fact, I INITIATED the therapy against their father's wishes. I felt it was necessary, given their behavior(s). I feel like I have done my part. I have done what needed to be done. I have tried my best. But my best apparently isn't good enough.

And now, I feel like a failure. It's all falling apart. I feel like I must give custody to him primarily, like I just don't have anymore fight in me. I hate confrontation, it makes me physically ill sometimes. (I have IBS). I am drained on the weeks I have the kids, not only from my long 64 hrs at work (those four 16 hours shifts are gonna be the death of me!), but it's in a health care position, so I am drained from all that "giving", too! I have made it so I have one day off inbetween my last long shift and pick up time, but it seems not enough time to get my bearings for the rejection I must inevitably face.--Poohbear

 

[Into The Light]

poohbear, you are putting up such a fight for your kids, please don't feel like a failure. the kids may seem like they hate you and don't care but really they are just hurting because their family is no longer together. they don't understand and cannot understand until they are grown up how hard you have worked to be there for them. don't let their behaviour towards you make you give up. keep doing what you're doing for them, because at the end of the day they then will not be able to say you weren't there for them, that you didn't fight for them. they will know you did the best you could for them. they can't see that right now but they will when they are grown up and that is invaluable.

i really think the first thing you need for yourself is a support network for you. i have no idea what's out there for people in the midst of divorce and having problems with their children but there must be some kind of support group out there you could join. posting here is the first step and i think it is very important that you talk about what's going on, just to be able to get feedback and support. i think that is crucial to you getting through this.

you mention you said things early in the separation against their father, that was unfortunate but i think you could talk to them about that and admit that maybe you shouldn't have said those things and that you are sorry for that. that you don't want to come between them and their dad, and that what matters to you is that they are happy. let them know you understand this is so hard for them, that they are hurting, that you're sad too and wish it could be different. they may still react angrily to all of this but at least they will have heard from you first hand how you are sorry and wish it could have been different. the message will reach them.

you aren't a horrible mom. i know those words cut deeply, but you aren't. you are doing your very best for them and that to me is what makes a good mom. you are doing your best in a very difficult situation. just acknowledge it to them when they tell you this, that you hear them, that you know that that is how they feel but that you still love them and want to make things better for them.

don't give up. i know this is terribly draining but don't give up. persevere and you won't lose your boys.

 

[poohbear]

Well, here we go again. I am just about brought to tears. My 9yr old immediately started the "faucets". Clinging to daddy when it was time to go, crying in the car. Now, he's already trying to pick fights (I'm getting better at spotting this) and already on the phone with daddy, wanting to go back. Of course, alot has to do with his 14 yr old brother not being here and his confusion about all this, but I am at a loss. It hurts SO mcuh to think my boys don't want me. I hate to see the self satisfactory grin on my ex's face when the boys do this. He just grins from ear to ear when they cry on Sundays (leaving his house). Makes him SO happy to see that they don't want to be with me. What am I to do? They don't want me. I don't want them unhappy. I am so ready to just give up. If I were a bit more weak-minded, I might do what everyone expects me to do and to give up completely. Even my 14 year old told me last time (yelling at me) that I'm too stupid to know when to quit, to know when I'm "beaten". His words. What makes a 14 yr old say that to his mom? God, I hurt so much. I just hurt.--Pooh

 

[Into The Light]

pooh, it sounds like your ex may be feeding them that kind of thinking (that you don't know when to quit).

try to sit down with your 9 year old right now. try to sit and listen to him. have you read the book Amazon.com: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen Listen So Kids Will Talk: Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish: Books ? it is a really good book and i have found it helpful.

the book teaches you to basically say something to your son that reflects what you are seeing, and lets him know you are there and are listening. right now he's crying and unhappy that he is with you. you can say, "you seem sad/angry/upset that you're not with daddy." he may or may not respond. you can then say "it must be really hard for you to have to leave daddy to come see me." he might agree or not, you can then say "am i right when i say that?"

just try to have the conversation with him, acknowledge his feelings, tell him what you think he's feeling and let him correct you if you are wrong. give him time to answer, don't rush it either, and really wait and listen.

this is all you need to do for know. just let him feel heard and understood as best as you can.

if he's not responsive, you can ask if he wants some time alone. if he doesn't answer, tell him "i think you want me to leave you alone for a bit. i'll let you be for a short while and then i'll come back. you can come find me if you want to." then after a half hour go see him and see how he's doing. if he doesn't want to be alone, ask him what he would like to do after you try to connect with him. is there anything fun you can do together that he might like?

i hope some of this helps.

 

[poohbear]

I do this. I've done it alot the last few months. It gets old. Not that I will stop trying. I will continue doing this, but it still hurts. I'm at that breaking point, where one more thing will just snap me into pieces. I have also just found out that apprently he is now requesting different custody arrangements. He never said this to me, even though we were going to mediation and were supposed to be finishing. Now I hear he wants something entirely different. THis is going to break me, I know it. It has been so long already. I need to be free of this burden. But, he knows I can't take much more. This will break me...--Pooh

 

[Into The Light]

why not let the boys stay with their father for a week that is technically yours and use that week to recuperate - so don't go to work, but take time out for yourself? catch up on sleep and rest and take some time to catch your breath?

 

[poohbear]

Sad. I thought of this, too. He refused to take them. I have no one to care for them right now, when they are with me, except me, hence my delightful work schedule. Nice set up, huh? I don't know what to do. Thanks for trying to help. Right now, I need to go. He's crying and upset and I feel like there is nothing i can do, that is the right thing to do. What a mess!
--Pooh

BTW: if there is ANYTHING that he can do to make things more difficult on my weeks or fo rthe kids, or for me financially, he has done it. So, there is no option of asking their father to help. He will only persent this to the ad litum, telling him I am emotionally unstable to care fo them. He has already done this once, I had to go to my therapist and get letter from my friends stating they think I am emotionally fit to care for my own kids. This man has done it ALL.--pooh

 

[Into The Light]

pooh, i know you have to go right now, but i think what you should do is document everything he does as they happen so as to create a paper trail. it sounds like he is deliberately trying to set you up to have a breakdown so that he then can swoop in and have the kids taken away from you. i know this is hard but you really need good some legal counsel.

i am so sorry for the situation your are in. mobilize whatever resources you have. list all friends and family you have. list all possible resource centers that could help. list all possible lawyers and therapists you could get involved. i know you're financially in a tight spot but see if you can find someone who specializes in these kinds of cases. what about the school, are there any resources there like counsellors that could work with the kids? can you talk to your employer about your situation and get some legal counsel or other support through work?

 

[Into The Light]

poohbear, here are some other thoughts, i am just throwing them out, not saying you should or shouldn't do any of this, because in the end it's a judgment call and only you know what's going to work for you. here are some options:

option 1. give yourself x number of sessions with your therapist (1, 2, 3, 4, whatever) and just know you will go for those limited number of sessions. see the therapist to brainstorm on what you can do in your situation given everything that is happening.

option 2. decide to let your ex have the kids, but only temporarily (don't tell him this that it's temporary). let him have full responsibility and care for them for a while. make sure that before you tell him this, you have some very serious talks with your kids to tell them that you really, really love them, that you hate to see them hurting, and that you don't want to force them to come see you when they don't want this. tell them you know that their dad is making them come see you even though you've told them that if they don't want to he makes them. that you are letting them stay with him now because you love them and you want for them to be happy, and that it hurts you to do this but that you want what is best for them. that if you tell their dad he can care for them that that way he won't force them to stay with you.

maybe even better. talk to your kids first and have a heart to heart. ask them what they truly want. do they truly want to live with their dad? tell them that if this is what they truly want, that you will let them do that, because you love them. come to an agreement with them that at least you can come visit and take them out to do something fun on a regular basis. make them a part of this decision. that way he can't start telling them "your mother doesn't want you, see, she just decided she didn't want you staying with her anymore". that way, they will know you have agreed to this together and they will know you didn't just abandon them.

in the time that they are with him you can work on recovering yourself, build up some money, and hopefully in time the kids will realize life isn't perfect with dad and they will ask to see you.

option 3. if he is poisoning their minds against you, and is doing what he can to make things more difficult for the kids, this means he doesn't have their best interests at heart. he is harming them. talk to your lawyer about your options, and/or shop around for another lawyer and present your case. maybe you need to get child services involved? someone needs to mediate between you and him but on behalf of the children. this isn't happening right now and it's what needs to be done.

i am just thinking out loud here and maybe this will spark some other ideas for you.