Self-accusation, anxiety, and shyness. How to overcome them?

[northern barbarian]

Hello everyone!

Sorry for many grammatical errors, I’m not a native speaker.

I’m asking your help. It can be an advice or just a suggestion regarding my life situation. Maybe you can give me some answers to the questions below.

I’m not too old man (27), but I haven’t ever felt young. Considering how much opportunities I have lost and how little progress I’ve achieved, I feel ashamed.

At the moment I am at a crossroads, in rather uncertain life circumstances. I don’t like my current job now and the salary is small. In addition, I can lose it. It seems that there is every kind of reasons for changing it. But I have no experience in other jobs, and I (still!) don’t know if I like my profession. Also I’m afraid to look like fool, because of being an amateur. I’ve been always studying very well, and I feel ashamed every time I do something wrong.

As for the hobby – the things I do fine are reflection and self-accusation. I can realize destructive nature of self-accusation. And still I continue to blame myself. Because I can always find a reason for this.
My other “hobbies” are the following: videogames (shooters, mostly), movies, TV shows, fiction books. In a nutshell, I have been drowning in escapism and passivity for the last 15-20 years.
Being self-absorbed I think that I’m not capable to love somebody. I still don’t have a girlfriend; I’m too shy and anxious for just one try.

When I think about my last actions I often remember the bad ones and call myself coward, scoundrel, egoist, etc. Sometimes it gives me some kind of masochistic pleasure, sometimes it brings me relief, because I accept my every flaw and I consider my everlasting position of loner and nonstarter to be the highest justice.

I made an interesting observation recently. Over the past few months I have lost about 10 kg with home exercises. And I have become even more sensitive and nervous than I was. Does our body fat somehow protect our nervous system?
Food and caffeine influence my mood even more now. I have never eaten very much food, but I drink a lot of coffee and energy drinks. I don’t think this is right, but I can’t imagine my life without caffeine. I’ve become more indifferent to alcohol, though.

Also, lately, when I'm alone in the room, I occasionally get a desire to lie down, gather up and just sob. Earlier, during bouts of loneliness, I was overcome by apathy, a fairly calm state of depression. Now I have to restrain myself in order to match with the traditional male attitudes prescribed by society. Maybe this is wrong, but as a schoolboy, I often cried, and I can not remember how it helped me. Back then everything was even worse.
I depend too much on peoples’ opinions. And someone's comment on youtube can greatly affect my mood in the next few hours or even days. Recently I have been advised to suicide, but, of course, I don’t seriously consider such a prospect, although I see some logic in these words in relation to me. I live joylessly and I don’t bring joy to others, I don’t do any good to people. The fact is that I have obligations, I have close relatives, who love me and I have conscience.

People always prefer avoiding me. I think I can understand them. Maybe I am some kind of energetic vampire? It’s hard to say.
Communication with people, especially with unfamiliar ones, always cause certain amount of stress and absorb my energy, so most of the time I do like being alone, but sometimes I feel need in support. Don’t know if I deserve it, though.

Now I’d like to put some questions, which excite me the most. How can I stop blaming myself and feel ashamed for unrealized potential? These feelings don’t motivate me at all, they just make me worse. I feel that I owe something to society. Do I have a right to live happily? I did a lot of bad things with my inaction.
How can I be less anxious and touchy, maybe there are some lifehacks which help taking it easy. I want to depend less on people's opinions. I want very much, I suppose.
I’m afraid I’ve asked too many questions, which can’t be answered. I’ll understand if nobody answers me.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: Self-accusation, anxiety and shyness. How to overcome them?

A lot of depressed, anxious, or otherwise negative thinking is based on a false narrative (based on all-or-nothing thinking and other distorted thinking that keeps one stuck).

There are lots of therapies that can help (and they are more similar than different), e.g. cognitive behavior therapy, solution-focused therapy, narrative therapy, mindfulness approaches, etc.

Do you have access to a therapist?

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: Self-accusation, anxiety and shyness. How to overcome them?

Recently I have been advised to suicide, but, of course, I don’t seriously consider such a prospect, although I see some logic in these words in relation to me. I live joylessly and I don’t bring joy to others, I don’t do any good to people.

I have found this helpful: The Inner Voice that Drives Suicide

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: Self-accusation, anxiety and shyness. How to overcome them?

I made an interesting observation recently. Over the past few months I have lost about 10 kg with home exercises. And I have become even more sensitive and nervous than I was. Does our body fat somehow protect our nervous system?

I did find this just now, in case it relates at all to your situation:

Dieting Can Lead to Depression, Even If You Manage to Lose Weight | Time

A new study at University College London examined 1,979 overweight or obese individuals in the U.K. to investigate the effects of weight loss on both physical and mental health. Unsurprisingly, losing weight led to significant physical benefits: those in the study who lost 5% or more of their original body weight over four years exhibited a drop in blood pressure and reduced serum triglycerides, both of which lower the risk of heart disease.

However, controlling for health issues and major life events that could cause depression, those participants were 52% more likely to report a depressed mood than those who stayed within 5% of their original weight. Though the study doesn’t prove that dieting causes depression, it does show that weight loss doesn’t necessarily improve mental health, as many people assume.

 

[Daniel E.]

I consider my everlasting position of loner and nonstarter to be the highest justice.

Avoidance of social situations (and avoidance in general) is a common symptom of depression or anxiety, both of which are treatable and manageable, ideally with some professional help such as a doctor or therapist.

How can I stop blaming myself and feel ashamed for unrealized potential? These feelings don’t motivate me at all, they just make me worse.

More than anything, I think you need to give yourself a break -- which you realize to some degree as you are quite insightful. Cognitive behavior therapy is one way to do that.

One piece of advice often mentioned here is don't compare yourself to others. For some people with mental issues (such as depression, anxiety, etc.), just surviving one's 20s means a lot. Stress/anxiety often decreases as people become more adjusted to adult life.

 

[gooblax]

Hey @northern barbarian. Thanks for your detailed post and questions.
I'm a couple of years older than you and have a lot of similar thoughts about myself to what you have described in your post. Daniel has posted some good info above and I don't have much to add at the moment, although I've just started seeing a therapist (technically I had a false start about 10 years ago, but that's not important for this discussion) and am working on my self esteem and challenging my self-critical thoughts e.g. Challenging and Silencing Your Inner Critic which might be something that could interest you too.

 

[northern barbarian]

Re: Self-accusation, anxiety and shyness. How to overcome them?

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Hey @northern barbarian. Thanks for your detailed post and questions.
I'm a couple of years older than you and have a lot of similar thoughts about myself to what you have described in your post. Daniel has posted some good info above and I don't have much to add at the moment, although I've just started seeing a therapist (technically I had a false start about 10 years ago, but that's not important for this discussion) and am working on my self esteem and challenging my self-critical thoughts e.g. Challenging and Silencing Your Inner Critic which might be something that could interest you too.

Hi, gooblax. Thanks for the link. i wish you get better.

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Do you have access to a therapist?

Thank you very much, Daniel. Thanks for all your posts and links. I really appreciate it.
I have never been to a psychotherapist. I knew that I need therapist's help when I was about 12. But there was no financial opportunity back then. Now I can afford this, it just remains to overcome fear.