Self-Righteous, Critical and Condemning Father Still Evokes Child-like Responses!!

[maidenofknight]

I have just finished months of therapy for self-esteem issues and BDD issues. In my therapy, one of my discoveries was that I am still helpless and woefully unable to face the prospect of confronting my father. I shake and cry silently at the thought of even seeing him face to face. I have 'slammed the door' on him in my life in general, having nothing to do with him. He lives quite a distance away from me, so I don't have to deal with it the possibility of seeing him too often.

I was just really shocked when my therapist asked me if I could say three things to him what would it be? I clammed up and looked at the floor. She pressed gently, I started to cry and tremble inside. I heard myself saying 'I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.' Then she asked me for just one thing. I still could not look at her or speak anything coherent. It was embarrassing!

My father was not a very violent man, just very controlling. I was not to have a preference or a thought of my own. He used shame like most people use water to shower their children with. He did elbow me in the face once - hard - and he did knock my head together with my sisters head - we both saw stars!! I only fought him one time - he tried to take my art pursuits from me - and I fought for it by getting my mother to sign permission for my class schedule in high school behind his back. The rest of the time, I walked, talked and thought the way he said it should be done.

One of my earliest memories was going to Kindergarten - the first day of school - and feeling like I could breathe for the first time! I was so happy and so excited to be free!! I was a shy and quiet child by nature, but that day I sent my mom packing with a big smile telling her I would be fine and she could leave! Also - I remember running up to Dad at a tender young age telling him I loved him and his reply still rings in my ears. 'I love you more when you are good.' mg:

My goal is to be unaffected by his presence. I have spent years trying to erase the mental conditioning and established my own life, creative, unique and free in so many ways. I even became an artist and have found a way to make a successful living at it despite his opinions! Now he brags about it. He is not a part of my life now, but my middle daughter is nearly eighteen and is seriously in a relationship looking towards marriage... meaning I may have to deal with him in a year or so. I am trying to get prepared. Any ideas would be appreciated. I already wrote a 7 page letter in therapy expressing my feelings and releasing pent up emotion, but it doesn't seem like enough. I heard his voice on the phone in the background while talking to my mother a few weeks back and my whole insides recoiled. Obviously, there is still work to be done.

Avoidance is not going to work forever.:nah::nah:

Any thoughts?

 

[Cat Dancer]

I have just finished months of therapy for self-esteem issues and BDD issues.

Are you meaning that you're done with therapy for good? Maybe continuing in therapy would help you deal with these issues.

 

[NewKarma]

You clearly think it's still an issue for you (and it sounds like it is!), so please do continue to peruse this. I would suggest, however, that your father need not be aware/involved in how you work through this. If he's still anything like what you describe, I doubt it would be productive to include him in your healing.

As Cat Dancer says, are you still going to therapy? That's the perfect place to continue working on it...

 

[maidenofknight]

Off and on for years I have tried to work through this issue unsuccessfully. I just came to a point in therapy where I just didn't feel like it was doing any good anymore. We were just wandering around from one issue to another in circles ... and not accomplishing anything. She said she didn't really know if dredging up the past once again was helpful or not. Dad is not going to change or admit any thing... my siblings have both confronted him, but he remains unmoved... but they too are no part of my life. My brother is too much like him, and my sister too. Both very judgmental, critical, closed minded and have made their mind up about me ... at first I was the 'goody-goody' now I'm the black sheep because of life decisions I made and also that I have nothing to do with any of them. But away from them, I have peace for the most part, life is never perfect but at least I am away from the source of my self-hatred and self-doubts.

I just want to become impervious to the old feelings being around them brings to the surface - it acts almost like a knee jerk reaction. I need to do this not only for myself and my sanity, but - for my daughter's sake. Otherwise her wedding may be a fiasco. I won't be able to keep myself together emotionally, and knowing her, she will feel responsible for that... and I DON'T believe she should be subjected to that inappropriate guilt by my stupid inadequacies. It's not her problem, its mine! At nearly 50 years old, I still cry and tremble inside? This is ridiculous, but it frightens me to think of confronting him. I don't stand a snowball's chance... well you know.

I would continue therapy if I thought it would help, but it just doesn't seem to be doing anything. Other current issues keep coming to the forefront, and I have those under control. It's the huge toad on my back that no-one seems to be able to get off!!
:jump:

 

[busybee]

hello,

Well it seems that there are many things that are going on here. I suppose that while self reflection is a good thing, dredging up the past with seemingly no results may be frustrating. At the end of the day you sound like you have made a remarkable life for yourself despite the fact that you are struggling with the inner demons. We can choose our friends but not our families, we cannot be responsible for what they say and do. Now I am no therapist, like you close to 50 and demons of my own. My ex sounds just like your dad. Draw a line in the sand. Create your boundaries of what is and what is not acceptable. Your daughter getting married while it is an important event.......... it may some time away yet. Dont over anticipate. Some people including family members are just not good for your emotional well being. Dont allow them to have that sort of control over you. Be proud of who you are the journey you have travelled. You sound like a remarkable woman.

 

[maidenofknight]

Be proud of who you are the journey you have travelled. You sound like a remarkable woman.

Thank you Busy Bee. It is good to hear some praise from someone who has had to fight demons of their own too.
Maybe I should try a different counselor? Everyone seems to think I need to continue therapy.

 

[busybee]

As stated earlier, I am no therapist and on this site there are many with knowledge and skills that I do not possess. I have found that the information put forward by Dr. Baxter the team provides us with information based on their expertise and would be guided by this. I too see a therapist. I saw 1 therapist for 17 years and while he did not work miracles, I am the one who was required to do the changes. What he did for me however, was to be able to live in an untenable situation, provided me with statistics, knowledge and support. For that I am thankful. I have another Therapist now, but i am on a different life path, sometimes i see her fortnightly, but currently I am only seeing her maybe quarterly. Therapy is not just about what you get out of it, it is also what you put into it. I had to develop, grow and mature??? (still not there yet.... even at 49) before I was ready to make the required changes. Good luck on your journey.

 

[maidenofknight]

Are there diiferent levels of therapy? Is there like a mild 'counseling' offered versus a 'deeper' form of therapy? I keep reading about people who actually cry and relive pain and purge deeply buried memories and feelings in therapy sessions... but I have actually been in therapy several times and it felt more like talking to a friend and venting. I had one therapist who really dug deeply after my first husband passed away unexpectedly... and he was extremely effective. But that was quite a few years ago and I don't remember if he was using any specific sort of 'technique' - all I remeber is that It took days to mull over and digest the things he brought up into my mind from within. He was a private doctor and I was still covered under my late husbands health coverage when I saw him. Most times my counselors are at 'free' or state-funded clinics because I am no longer insured, and have very limited resources. Is that why the counselors are more surface and less effective because they see people who don't really have the funds to pay for a long-term or very involved program? Or is it just me? I try to be open... I talk pretty freely about my life - just like on here. I read books, I do research, I really want to get better and exhume these demons that reside so deep inside and have such an impact on me. I have even thought in the past of 'checking myself in' to a mental health facility when I was suicidal, seeing if they had a better way of reaching inside and bringing this stuff out. There is so much that reamins a mystery to me. I just don't remember. But I know that what I do remember is just the tip of the iceberg... there has to be much more to have such a profound impact on my self-worth and self-confidence. How can I find the right thype of therapy that I am seeking. I don't want fuffy feel good therapy, there a poison in my soul and I will endure anything to get it out!!!

HELP!