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[Ashley-Kate]

As i spoke to my social worker the other day i came to realise that my anorexia is a form of suicide it is as if i am letting myself dye slowly so that if my familly and my friends and the people that know me love me that much they will catch me before i go to far, so slowly i let mybody express the need i have to end my life but secretly i hope that they will stop me that they will find a way to reach me and stop this. The acward thing is that i reject everyone so when they do come to me and ask me how i am doing or if i need help i shut them out i lie and manipulate them so that they leave me alone with this disorder i want them to help me but at the same time i fear they will take away the identity that my anorexia provides me. I want to be healthy but at the same time don't want to eat! I don't want to die but at the same time i fantasise about it every waking minutes about ,my body becommng frail and thin weak and finally dead.. why is it that i am so confused!
thanks
ash

 

[Mari]

Dear AK, I hope you will soon find your way out of the confusion. Choose life! :heart: Mari

 

[Into The Light]

this sounds like your anorexia is really a cry for help from you. :hug:

when do you see your social worker again? i think this is important for you to bring up with her.

do you think you could open up to your family a bit about this? that you push them away but that in reality you want for them to be there for you? and maybe you could work on a solution together?

have you made any arrangements with another social worker or therapist yet for when you move?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

i see my social worker tomorrow but not the same one, she is the one that i don't really like from the hospital anyway i am going to get her to try and transfer me to someone close to were i wil be living in august and well i am doing a bit better latly although the hole e-d hasn,t changed i have been feeling a bit more happy i guess..

 

[Lana]

Hi Ashley-Kate;

Your realization is quite profound on many levels. Firstly, it shows just how much in control you really are. Second, it shows that you have some decisions and choices to make. And it reminds me of a joke I heard once:

There was a flood and all people took to higher ground in search of safety. However, a priest stayed with his church and when questioned why he didn't leave, he replied, "God will save me."

The flood has risen and almost all people have left. A boat came for him, but the priest refused to come with them and climbed on top of the church saying, "God will save me."

As the waters rose higher submerging the church, he stood on top of his roof, on tiptoes so he could breathe. A boat came to him and people begged him to get into the boat, adding that they're running out of chances to save him. He again refused to get on the boad, saying "God will save me."

Well, the flood took the town, the church, and the priest. As the priest enters the Heavens, he's asked how he came to be there. He said, "Well, there was a flood and I waited for God to save me, but he never came."

All of the sudden, a thundering voice filled the Heavens, "And who do you think kept sending you the boat?!"

So, Ashley-Kate, make sure you don't miss your "boat". I do hope that you to expore this further with your therapist. It's a huge breakthrough and worth the effort.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Well i had an appointment with my shrink that i had stoped seeing once i started the hole recovery process cause i believed that i didn't need her help anymore and that i was able to take care of myself i saw her today and well as she noticed my physical state had deteriorated in the last 2 months that she didn't see me she also informed me that she had resined from her position at the hospital and therefore would no longuer be seeing me! so well she gave me one last appointment with her next week to arrange the transfers and stuff for a temporary fallow up here until i move and therefore get transfered yet again! I am a bit upset cause firstly she told me this in the last 5 minutes of my appointment and although i ddinT, really like her at all to say the least she knew me she was one of the only people that dared confront me and well tell me what she really thought about my e-d and not be scared of the way i would react. It frustrates me cause it has came in such a difficult time for me and wel by the time i finally meat the new girl and start feeling comfortable with that person i will already be moving out of town and transfering yet again therefore reducing the time for any progress at all. so i will be moving into my new dorm room in my present state of mind therefore in my anorexic state of mind. I am even more scared and even more stressed i have an appointment with my nutritionnist in 2 weeks and my greatest fear is that i reach a critical spot in my anorexia that forces her to hospitalise me. i am so completly out of controle but i don't want to jeopordise my first semester of college

 

[Thelostchild]

Aww ash I do hope that you find your way through this I know that this is a really hard and confusing time for you as it was or still is for me at times. :heart: stay strong

Em

 

[Ashley-Kate]

well i am living in the dorm now and although it is difficult i am staying strong or at least trying it's hard cause it is so easy to just skip a meal or go out for a run i have no one stopping me. i try to be with peopel durring meal times cause i am trying my best to not lie anymore so if they eat i can't say i already ate or something like that i eat with them.. but it's not easy every day that passes the pull towards anorexia is stronger although bulimia .. well it hasn't really stopped. tomorrow i am going to a clinic with my roomate it's a CLSC she has to go for her dr. and i am going to go check to see if i can start seeing a psychologist there. but i also may wait till school starts to see the psychologist form the school she can refer me to them instead of me going to see them.. and having to wait very long ..

 

[David Baxter PhD]

:2thumbs: Good for you, Ashley. One day at a time...

 

[Into The Light]

i am glad to hear you're at your dorm now and are working on getting settled in. keep trying and hang on. i am really glad you are trying to eat when others are. :goodjob:

 

[Halo]

Sounds like you are doing good AK....keep it up :2thumbs:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

i think it helsp that it is me that choses the hole thing and not constantly everyone around me .. so now i take more responsibility of my own actions. just hopes this lasts.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Hang in there!! My thoughts are with you.