David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
SEX BETWEEN ACQUAINTANCES OR DATE RAPE?
by Regina Kearney, Freedom from Fear Organization
August 2009
Jake and Tammy were two undergraduate college students that met while living in the same dorm building. They had dated in the past, but had been broken up for over a year. Despite ending their romantic relationship, they remained close friends and continued to hang out with each other and talk regularly online and over the phone. One night Tammy met up with Jake at a bar within walking distance from campus. She had had too much to drink and was visibly intoxicated. Since breaking up, Tammy had moved to an off-campus apartment that was several miles from the bar. Jake offered to let Tammy sleep at his nearby dorm for the night since she was clearly in no shape to drive home. Tammy agreed to stay with Jake but made a point of saying, ?I?m just agreeing to stay over because I know that I can?t drive right now, I don?t want to do anything physical. We?re just friends now!? Jake nodded his head, agreed and told her that he was only offering to share his dorm room with Tammy to help her avoid doing something dangerous.
When Tammy got back to Jake?s dorm room she was having trouble walking straight and became sick from drinking too much. Tammy vomited in Jake?s trash can and then blacked out. The next morning, she woke-up to find that she and Jake were naked in his bed. When he awoke, Tammy asked Jake if they had had sex the night before. He told her that they had. Tammy felt conflicted about the experience. She was angry towards Jake, she felt as if he had taken advantage of her in her altered state. She felt angry with herself for having gotten so drunk in the first place, and felt guilty about agreeing to sleep at her ex-boyfriend?s room. She knew that she did not want to have sex with Jake and that she would never have agreed to do so sober, but she could not remember what had happened the night before. She tried to rationalize with herself, telling herself that Jake was a person with whom she had slept with before and trusted in the past. He was also a good friend that often looked out for her well-being. Therefore, she should not be upset that she slept with him again. Despite this rationalization, Tammy could not help but feel used, guilty and negative about the experience. Tammy decided to try to forget the whole ordeal and put it behind her. She chose not to talk to anyone about it.
When most people think of rape, they envision a stranger jumping out from a dark alley and attacking a woman. Or, they think of a man physically forcing a woman into sex after she has clearly said ?no? to him. Most people do not think of rape as something that occurs between boyfriends and girlfriends, between friends, or between people that once dated. What occurred between Jake and Tammy can actually be defined as date rape or acquaintance rape. Date rape occurs between two people who know one another and usually happens in social situations (Stevenson, 2009). It is one of the most common types of rape with 73% of rape victims knowing their assailants. Thirty-eight percent of rapists are friends or an acquaintance of the victim (see RAINN | Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network | RAINN: The nation's largest anti-sexual assault organization.One of “America’s 100 Best Charities" —Worth magazine for more information).
Sex between two people needs to be consensual; otherwise it can be characterized as rape. Just because a woman does not say ?no? or ?stop? to a man, it does not mean that she has consented to sex. Likewise, just because a woman has had sex with a man in the past, it does not mean that she has consented to having sex with him again at another time. A woman can try to stop a man from having sex with her through physical means by pushing his hands away or pushing him off her, yet she may never tell him to stop verbally. If the man continues to advance and has sex with that woman, he could face rape charges (Stevenson, 2009). A lack of consent can include a rape victim?s inability to say ?no? to intercourse due to the effects of drugs or alcohol (findlaw.com). According to the law, a woman is not in a state of mind to consent to sex when she is intoxicated. If a man is intoxicated himself, and sleeps with a woman that is also intoxicated, he can still face rape charges (Stevenson, 2009). Tammy could not remember the details of her sexual encounter with Jake, but irregardless of whether or not she had consented to sex with him, Tammy was too intoxicated to make that decision.
Although men are raped, according to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, women are most often the victims of sexual assault with nine out of ten rape victims being female. One out of every six American women will be the victims of an attempted or completed rape within their lifetime. College age women are four times more likely to be sexually assaulted than women of other ages. Despite the prevalence of rape, and date rape in particular, the crime is widely under-reported. Only about 6% of rapists ever spend a day in jail, and 60% of sexual assaults are never reported to the police (www.rainn.org).
Why do most female victims choose not to report rape? A recent study of the reporting practices of female sexual assault victims conducted by Spectrum Health Hospital in Grand Rapids, Michigan attempted to determine women?s reasons for not reporting rape. According to this study, the main reasons that victims identified were: wanting to avoid the stigma attached to rape prosecution, fear of rejection from co-workers and friends, feeling partially responsible for the assault, feeling ashamed or embarrassed by the assault, and having a prior relationship with the assailant (Jones, Alexander, Wynn, Rossman, & Dunnuck, 2009). Although this study examined reporting practices in women that had sustained injuries from rape and sought medical treatment for these injuries, some of their reasons for not reporting it can be applied to Tammy?s situation. Tammy was embarrassed that she had too much to drink and had lost control of herself. She also felt partly responsible for having sex with Jake- after all, Tammy had agreed to stay at his dorm room, possibly giving him the impression she was willing to sleep with him. She also had a prior relationship with Jake and had had intimate relations with him in the past. Where Tammy differs from the women in the study conducted by Spectrum Health Hospital is that she was not aware that what occurred between her and Jake was, in fact, rape. Not knowing she was raped will prevent Tammy from ever reporting the experience to authorities.
As Tammy?s experience illustrates, there is a lot of ambiguity when it comes to date rape. Although a woman may not want to have sex with a previous partner another time, she may not be aware that he is not justified in sleeping with her again if it is not what she desires. Likewise, a woman may not be aware of her legal rights involving sex while intoxicated. In any case, women should be aware that they have the right to refuse sex with anyone, even a boyfriend or husband, and should not be afraid to say ?no? or ?stop? when they do not wish to sleep with a man. Men should play it safe when it comes to having sex with women, and a man should stop what he is doing if a woman tells him to, pushes him away, or stops him physically (as opposed to verbally). If a woman is intoxicated in any way, a man should not partake in sexual activity with that woman.
If you or someone you know has been raped, or has questions about a sexual encounter, you can call the confidential Sexual Assault Hotline at: 1- 800- 656- HOPE Or visit the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline on the web.
Regina Kearney is a Master?s of Social Work student currently completing an internship at Freedom From Fear.
References:
by Regina Kearney, Freedom from Fear Organization
August 2009
Jake and Tammy were two undergraduate college students that met while living in the same dorm building. They had dated in the past, but had been broken up for over a year. Despite ending their romantic relationship, they remained close friends and continued to hang out with each other and talk regularly online and over the phone. One night Tammy met up with Jake at a bar within walking distance from campus. She had had too much to drink and was visibly intoxicated. Since breaking up, Tammy had moved to an off-campus apartment that was several miles from the bar. Jake offered to let Tammy sleep at his nearby dorm for the night since she was clearly in no shape to drive home. Tammy agreed to stay with Jake but made a point of saying, ?I?m just agreeing to stay over because I know that I can?t drive right now, I don?t want to do anything physical. We?re just friends now!? Jake nodded his head, agreed and told her that he was only offering to share his dorm room with Tammy to help her avoid doing something dangerous.
When Tammy got back to Jake?s dorm room she was having trouble walking straight and became sick from drinking too much. Tammy vomited in Jake?s trash can and then blacked out. The next morning, she woke-up to find that she and Jake were naked in his bed. When he awoke, Tammy asked Jake if they had had sex the night before. He told her that they had. Tammy felt conflicted about the experience. She was angry towards Jake, she felt as if he had taken advantage of her in her altered state. She felt angry with herself for having gotten so drunk in the first place, and felt guilty about agreeing to sleep at her ex-boyfriend?s room. She knew that she did not want to have sex with Jake and that she would never have agreed to do so sober, but she could not remember what had happened the night before. She tried to rationalize with herself, telling herself that Jake was a person with whom she had slept with before and trusted in the past. He was also a good friend that often looked out for her well-being. Therefore, she should not be upset that she slept with him again. Despite this rationalization, Tammy could not help but feel used, guilty and negative about the experience. Tammy decided to try to forget the whole ordeal and put it behind her. She chose not to talk to anyone about it.
When most people think of rape, they envision a stranger jumping out from a dark alley and attacking a woman. Or, they think of a man physically forcing a woman into sex after she has clearly said ?no? to him. Most people do not think of rape as something that occurs between boyfriends and girlfriends, between friends, or between people that once dated. What occurred between Jake and Tammy can actually be defined as date rape or acquaintance rape. Date rape occurs between two people who know one another and usually happens in social situations (Stevenson, 2009). It is one of the most common types of rape with 73% of rape victims knowing their assailants. Thirty-eight percent of rapists are friends or an acquaintance of the victim (see RAINN | Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network | RAINN: The nation's largest anti-sexual assault organization.One of “America’s 100 Best Charities" —Worth magazine for more information).
Sex between two people needs to be consensual; otherwise it can be characterized as rape. Just because a woman does not say ?no? or ?stop? to a man, it does not mean that she has consented to sex. Likewise, just because a woman has had sex with a man in the past, it does not mean that she has consented to having sex with him again at another time. A woman can try to stop a man from having sex with her through physical means by pushing his hands away or pushing him off her, yet she may never tell him to stop verbally. If the man continues to advance and has sex with that woman, he could face rape charges (Stevenson, 2009). A lack of consent can include a rape victim?s inability to say ?no? to intercourse due to the effects of drugs or alcohol (findlaw.com). According to the law, a woman is not in a state of mind to consent to sex when she is intoxicated. If a man is intoxicated himself, and sleeps with a woman that is also intoxicated, he can still face rape charges (Stevenson, 2009). Tammy could not remember the details of her sexual encounter with Jake, but irregardless of whether or not she had consented to sex with him, Tammy was too intoxicated to make that decision.
Although men are raped, according to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, women are most often the victims of sexual assault with nine out of ten rape victims being female. One out of every six American women will be the victims of an attempted or completed rape within their lifetime. College age women are four times more likely to be sexually assaulted than women of other ages. Despite the prevalence of rape, and date rape in particular, the crime is widely under-reported. Only about 6% of rapists ever spend a day in jail, and 60% of sexual assaults are never reported to the police (www.rainn.org).
Why do most female victims choose not to report rape? A recent study of the reporting practices of female sexual assault victims conducted by Spectrum Health Hospital in Grand Rapids, Michigan attempted to determine women?s reasons for not reporting rape. According to this study, the main reasons that victims identified were: wanting to avoid the stigma attached to rape prosecution, fear of rejection from co-workers and friends, feeling partially responsible for the assault, feeling ashamed or embarrassed by the assault, and having a prior relationship with the assailant (Jones, Alexander, Wynn, Rossman, & Dunnuck, 2009). Although this study examined reporting practices in women that had sustained injuries from rape and sought medical treatment for these injuries, some of their reasons for not reporting it can be applied to Tammy?s situation. Tammy was embarrassed that she had too much to drink and had lost control of herself. She also felt partly responsible for having sex with Jake- after all, Tammy had agreed to stay at his dorm room, possibly giving him the impression she was willing to sleep with him. She also had a prior relationship with Jake and had had intimate relations with him in the past. Where Tammy differs from the women in the study conducted by Spectrum Health Hospital is that she was not aware that what occurred between her and Jake was, in fact, rape. Not knowing she was raped will prevent Tammy from ever reporting the experience to authorities.
As Tammy?s experience illustrates, there is a lot of ambiguity when it comes to date rape. Although a woman may not want to have sex with a previous partner another time, she may not be aware that he is not justified in sleeping with her again if it is not what she desires. Likewise, a woman may not be aware of her legal rights involving sex while intoxicated. In any case, women should be aware that they have the right to refuse sex with anyone, even a boyfriend or husband, and should not be afraid to say ?no? or ?stop? when they do not wish to sleep with a man. Men should play it safe when it comes to having sex with women, and a man should stop what he is doing if a woman tells him to, pushes him away, or stops him physically (as opposed to verbally). If a woman is intoxicated in any way, a man should not partake in sexual activity with that woman.
If you or someone you know has been raped, or has questions about a sexual encounter, you can call the confidential Sexual Assault Hotline at: 1- 800- 656- HOPE Or visit the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline on the web.
Regina Kearney is a Master?s of Social Work student currently completing an internship at Freedom From Fear.
References:
- Jones, J.S., Alexander, C., Wynn, B.N., Rossman, L., & Dunnuck, C. (2009). Why women don?t report sexual assault to the police: The influence of psychosocial variables and traumatic injury. The Journal of Emergency Medicine, 36(4), 417- 424.
- Findlaw.com. Rape. Retrieved July 13, 2009.
- Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. Statistics. Retrieved July 13, 2009.
- Stevenson, J. (2009). What every guy must know about date rape. July 13, 2009.
