I've decided to take what feels like a big risk and write about the cause of my recent suicide attempt. The shame is so acute. I thought perhaps if I write about it here it might help. It is a risk though. It might backfire. Here goes....
This will have to be somewhat long. Apologies.
3 1/2 years ago I experienced a very acute episode of dissociation and depression. I was wracked with guilt feelings over some sexual "acting out" I did when I was younger. I was married when I was 20. I had some extramarital sexual encounters between ages 20-24. Twice I slept with my brother-in-law. Always alcohol was a factor, but nonetheless, what I did was terrible.
When this episode happened I was having flash backs from the faces of all the men I was with from age 16-24. It was terrible. I had to tell someone what I had done. (My husband never and still does not know). I told a very close older male friend and my therapist (who I started to see after this event).
In the middle of this acute distress I got caught up in what I can best describe as a story or a fantasy -- that I was raped by my father and brother. I told my therapist and this very close male friend that that happened. For the past 3 1/2 years I haved experienced "real" flashbacks related to this fantasy, and I have leaned heavily on this therapist and my friend to get me through terrible depression and flashbacks. I even wrote some about the trauma and flashbacks on this board.
I actually started to do better in therapy. The depression was nearly gone and I was thinking of leaving therapy. Then, all of a sudden, I just opened up to my therapist and told him the truth.....that I wasn't really raped by my father and brother. He, amazingly, took the news in stride and has been trying to help me understand why I would have concocted such a story -- what purpose it would serve.
But the shame of it all was/is just too much for me. I took the overdose a few weeks after coming clean. Since then i decided to tell my good friend, and I have probably ruined that relationship as a result. The loss of such a good friend, who understandably feels betrayed and used by me feels like too much to bear.
I feel so terrible about myself.........like such a crazy, deceitful person. I still haven't told my husband the truth (probably will not), which is also a burden.
There is no one else to talk with about this beside my therapist. I wish I could meet someone else who has done something similiar so I wouldn't feel so alone and crazy.
I don't know what people on this board will think of me. I certainly don't think very much of myself. The irony is that those who know me would describe me, I think, as incredibly honest with real integrity.
I don't know how or why I did what I did.
This will have to be somewhat long. Apologies.
3 1/2 years ago I experienced a very acute episode of dissociation and depression. I was wracked with guilt feelings over some sexual "acting out" I did when I was younger. I was married when I was 20. I had some extramarital sexual encounters between ages 20-24. Twice I slept with my brother-in-law. Always alcohol was a factor, but nonetheless, what I did was terrible.
When this episode happened I was having flash backs from the faces of all the men I was with from age 16-24. It was terrible. I had to tell someone what I had done. (My husband never and still does not know). I told a very close older male friend and my therapist (who I started to see after this event).
In the middle of this acute distress I got caught up in what I can best describe as a story or a fantasy -- that I was raped by my father and brother. I told my therapist and this very close male friend that that happened. For the past 3 1/2 years I haved experienced "real" flashbacks related to this fantasy, and I have leaned heavily on this therapist and my friend to get me through terrible depression and flashbacks. I even wrote some about the trauma and flashbacks on this board.
I actually started to do better in therapy. The depression was nearly gone and I was thinking of leaving therapy. Then, all of a sudden, I just opened up to my therapist and told him the truth.....that I wasn't really raped by my father and brother. He, amazingly, took the news in stride and has been trying to help me understand why I would have concocted such a story -- what purpose it would serve.
But the shame of it all was/is just too much for me. I took the overdose a few weeks after coming clean. Since then i decided to tell my good friend, and I have probably ruined that relationship as a result. The loss of such a good friend, who understandably feels betrayed and used by me feels like too much to bear.
I feel so terrible about myself.........like such a crazy, deceitful person. I still haven't told my husband the truth (probably will not), which is also a burden.
There is no one else to talk with about this beside my therapist. I wish I could meet someone else who has done something similiar so I wouldn't feel so alone and crazy.
I don't know what people on this board will think of me. I certainly don't think very much of myself. The irony is that those who know me would describe me, I think, as incredibly honest with real integrity.
I don't know how or why I did what I did.
